To not pay stepchild’s private school fees.

[CloverRiver]

My stepchild is 13 and has 3 years left of secondary school. They’ve been in a nice private school for the past 2 years, funded by my DP and his ex-wife. They benefited from a reduction and discount in fees.

My stepchild recently came to live with us full time, this is ordered by the court and social services and it has been traumatic for him. I’ll avoid details because I don’t want to out myself and to protect their privacy.

My issue: My stepchild’s school has now said that, as my stepchild is living with us full time, they want to assess my income and I need to be a co-signature to his school fees. I do not want to be liable for school fees, potentially thousands a year. If I sign this contract I will be made joint and severely liable, if for whatever reason DP didn’t pay or we split up I’d still be liable for it. I also do not want my accounts being analysed in depth, audited etc. DP and I are not married but we do live together and have done for a number of years.

I have told DP that it’s a firm no but he is now really cross and adamant this will potentially mean his child loses his place at school. The school has sent two emails now saying they want my income details and that they expect me to sign the contract. Before people suggest pulling him out and putting him in state, he has moderate autism, so he really does need and benefit from the school.

Yes, this crossed my mind, too.

No I wouldn't do this but if I was your partner I would move out if you not doing it impacted my child's education.

If I were in OP’s shoes you wouldn’t have to; I’d be gone.

If DP can’t afford it, he can’t afford it. It’s unfortunate but the doing of his ex, not you.

He won’t be able to afford £1200 + full living costs either, so it’s a no go unless you stump up.

As others have said, you’ll be on the line for everything else too: trips, uniform, university.

If you’re a multi-millionaire and this is small fry to you, perhaps consider it, as a gesture of goodwill. But you’re legally, morally, in every way not obliged to.

Your DP has a massive cheek to be annoyed with you and I’d be very turned off by that.

Would the school accept funding via EHCP if the boy cannot attend mainstream?

If yes can your DP get ball rolling on an assessment. It might take a year or so (with a LOT of input from your DP to keep it moving) but you may at least get a year funded, which is the equivalent of two years at 50%. Obviously this is dependent on the child's needs.

Does your DP have any relatives who could lend him the money? Or even his ex's family?

The son would still have to move schools and they’d both be worse off in that scenario.

Agreed that I think this relationship is over. I wouldnt want to stay in a relationship with someone who wouldnt think of my child, particularly one who has additional needs and has just gone through something so traumatic. However, similarly if for example I got cancer and couldnt work, I would also expect my partner to financially support me. Equally I would do the same and have done the same in the past. If your income is the rationale for why the kids loses his bursary, then you shouldnt live together or you subsidize. This is an awful situation for all of you and perhaps you can stipulate that you loan your partner the money and he pays you back.

Hope you never have sc living with you that are going to university then as that's exactly what you have to do. Doesn't mean you have to support them in actual financial terms but the "system" assumes you will as you are living with the parent. I do believe this is wrong though and a very outdated policy.

Being unable to work due to cancer, and wanting to go to an expensive school are entirely different scenarios.

£2400 is too much of anyone's money.

OP why not just submit the figures for assessment? Then the school will come back with what is required going forward. You don't have to sign anything, or agree to anything at this point anyway to be re-assessed, but you need to know if you are going to lose the bursary to make an informed decision going forward.

If you are refusing to even submit figures, I'd be annoyed at you too to be honest, your DP is really stuck in limbo here until the school make a decision, and they won't do that until you submit your information!

This. Me too. I suspect there are other red flags in the relationship.
If he were a decent man, he wouldn’t be trying to financially bully her like this.

I can only assume that it’s because the student had 2 parents at 50/50 = 100. If they had previously counted partners, it would’ve been 50/50/50/50 = 200. This is just a guess, so you’d have to ask them directly.

If your DP moves out with the stepson, he cannot afford living costs plus private school either.
In every situation, unless you convince the private school otherwise, your DP simply cannot afford this. So the choices are 1) the boy moves to a state school now before they get started on the GCSE curriculum or 2) you convince the school of the trauma the kid has been through and that you are not legally liable or even have parental responsibility, so they will effectively be ditching a vulnerable kid at the worst possible time.
Third option if they do not play ball, you name and shame publicly somehow, but you can only tell the actual truth as it could be libel.
Personally, if I were a governor at this kind of school I would absolutely want to be supporting a vulnerable autistic kid in their GCSE years when their mother has mental health issues.

There is an alternative to private school, state school, a system that most children are in because most people can't afford it (just like OPs boyfriend cannot afford it) and don't have a partner they can guilt trip into paying for. There isn't an equivalent alternative to university.

This is entirely different as the loan ( that household income stipulates ) is paid back by the student not the parents. I will not be subsidising my steps kids uni costs, nor does my husband paid for my kids private schooling. That’s a parent problem for parents to sort.

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who hadn't married me and yet expected me to fork out £2400 a month for their child's education.

Honestly, when people have children, why do they think it's the entire world's responsibility to pay for that child except both of the parents who wanted that child and brought them into the world.

If my partner got cancer, I would support him one hundred percent.

The child of a man who won't marry me, forking out money for his private education - that's not happening.

You're comparing apples and pears and just being deliberately and annoyingly obtuse.

Could you lend your partner the money? Obviously a legal document would be drawn up to cover the situation, both to sign

Surely that would be 25/25/25/25?

I would send them a reply that states quite clearly you hold no responsibility for this child and him now residing at your address is neither here nor there. They have no right to assess your income, nor to threaten to remove any discount based solely on your refusal, and if they persist you will be making a formal complaint. It's no business of theirs how you conduct your personal life.

As you're not married, simply uttering the words 'we're no longer together' is enough to break your ties with this child, so they have no recourse to expect finances from you.

Same, the first blackmailing conversation of ‘pay £600/£1200/£2400 a month for my child while his own parent/s don’t or I’ll leave you’…
would also be a ‘bye then’!

Your income, whether you were married or not, wouldn't be relevant in assessing your partner's child maintenance responsibilities, so why is it relevant unless you've taken on parental responsibility.

How's he going to pay it back. He can take out a bank loan. She will never see that money again loan or not.

If he can't get a bank loan, then he ll never be able to repay his partner.

Where has "won't marry her" come from? OP hasn't said why they're not married. She may not want to get married.

They have no right to assess OP's income but they do have a right to withdraw the bursary. I don't understand your final point - what recourse would the school have to "expect finances" if they were married? I don't see it makes any difference.

If I understand this correctly if OP helps out she will be paying £1200.00 per month to keep her DP's child at school for the next 3 years. That is £43K and that's if the fees don't increase

I'm sorry but that is a big fat no from me. Your P (he doesn't deserve the D) absolutely cannot expect that from you