To not pay stepchild’s private school fees.

[CloverRiver]

My stepchild is 13 and has 3 years left of secondary school. They’ve been in a nice private school for the past 2 years, funded by my DP and his ex-wife. They benefited from a reduction and discount in fees.

My stepchild recently came to live with us full time, this is ordered by the court and social services and it has been traumatic for him. I’ll avoid details because I don’t want to out myself and to protect their privacy.

My issue: My stepchild’s school has now said that, as my stepchild is living with us full time, they want to assess my income and I need to be a co-signature to his school fees. I do not want to be liable for school fees, potentially thousands a year. If I sign this contract I will be made joint and severely liable, if for whatever reason DP didn’t pay or we split up I’d still be liable for it. I also do not want my accounts being analysed in depth, audited etc. DP and I are not married but we do live together and have done for a number of years.

I have told DP that it’s a firm no but he is now really cross and adamant this will potentially mean his child loses his place at school. The school has sent two emails now saying they want my income details and that they expect me to sign the contract. Before people suggest pulling him out and putting him in state, he has moderate autism, so he really does need and benefit from the school.

He can just about cover his half and the half his ex-wife is now refusing to pay. He cannot afford full fees unless I pay or I subsidise his living costs (which is basically me paying again).

Some schools determine bursaries on household income regardless of whether both parents are legal parents and fee contributors of the child and some don’t. Some work on a case by case basis.

If the bursary is reassessed to include OP’s income DP is still the one liable for the fees not OP. She can’t be made to sign the contract.

He's not your lodger he's your partner.

At the end of the day, this kind of thing isn't so unusual

When you move in, a partner who isn't married suddenly their income becomes relevant for your adult child's university loans. Even though you're not married and even though you were never, the child's legal guardian when they were a child.

It's household income. Just refuse to do it, and your partner will have to find the money for his child.

The ex is the trigger for things then, having presumably withdrawn her consent to liability etc.

The child now lives with you, so you as a couple must decide what's best for them

The school cannot demand your financial details, nor expel a child if you don't provide them
They can, however, say that the discount your stepchild receives is dependent upon this information
If you think you would lose the discount anyway, based upon your earnings, there's no need to supply the information

Joint and Several liability is normal for school fees, but in this case, that liability would normally be between the child's parents, not you as a step parent

What do you want the outcome to be here @CloverRiver ?

Even if you manage to find a way to not be involved in the financial household assessment you say your DP can't afford the fees even with the discount / bursary and you obviously won't be willing to pay any shortfall, so surely the child needs to be moved to a state school?

On the face of it, no, seems mad to expect you to be liable.

But, the lad obviously hasn’t had an easy time of it if his mum is no longer allowed to have contact which doesn’t happen for no small reason.
If it means the difference of him having a positive school experience for the next 3yrs, then I think I’d just suck it up, assuming I was confident the relationship was going to last. An unhappy teenager makes for a very miserable household!

Hmm. Is your partner expecting too much from someone who isn’t married to him? (Sorry to ask this.)

Maybe just break up with your DP??

Not your circus, not your monkey!
Find a man with less baggage!

I think it’s perfectly reasonable to expect your income to be taken into consideration when looking at whether the child meets the criteria of being entitled to the bursary.

But no way should you be liable for school fees.

I would stop referring to him as your stepson though because he isn’t, and in doing so it implies you are married to his father (which certainly won’t help matters).

If he can just about manage to pay the discounted school fees, then your financial liability is, presumably quite small. He's not going to default on the whole amount if he falls short one month, he's going to be a hundred or so shy of meeting his obligations.

In every household where finances are shared there needs to be a little flexibility. Would this fall into this category? Or is it the principle that worries you?

I mean the child’s own mother doesn’t care about him. The child is not your responsibility. Just leave the dad!

Is not being able to afford full fees the only way to get a bursary?

I am sorry your partner cannot afford to put his child into private school. That will be an adjustment for him and his child. But c'est la vie for the vast majority.

I can't see how the Mum was paying as she lives on benefits as you said upthread.

Whether your relationship survives who knows?

You don’t know that, the bursary could be 75%!

OP said it was 26k over three years. That’s a lot to be expected to stump up (plus potentially sixth form and uni afterwards).

Presumably on his income alone (which can only be done if you were no longer part of the household) he would get a big enough bursary that he could afford the remaining fees.

The options are you stay as a household and your income is assessed and contributes towards fees either directly or indirectly.

Or

You are no longer a household due to breaking up/moving out and just his income is assessed and he pays fees with the help of a bursary.

I suppose theres a third option of you refuse to help financially and traumatised DSS gets withdrawn from school, but I cant imagine any parent opting for that or wanting to stay with a partner who could have prevented that from happening but chose not to.

YANBU.
Protect yourself. You’d be an absolute fool to do this. I’m not surprised your DP is pressuring you though… would be great for him and his son to have a rich muppet under their grasp.
Unfortunately not everybody can afford private school, even those with autistic children. Many would benefit from independent school but they manage with what they’ve got. Your partner can’t afford it anymore - he’ll have to do what everyone else does and move him to state.

And what about all the other costs with private schooling, extra curricular activities, trips, equipment? Will the dp do the same here and demand op pays up?

OP, the sheer cheek of your boyfriend is breathtaking.
Re think this relationship.
His son is nothing to do with you.
He must think you are some dim soft touch to entertain this, as must the school.

Just another reason women are mad to go near men with children.
The entitlement.

Time for you to seriously rethink your situation.

I think this is a case of you can’t have your cake and eat it. People come with baggage. Your partner has a son who he is responsible for. You knew about the son when you got involved with him and although things have changed regarding where the son lives , that’s just life. The school has every right to re-assess. He is getting a heavily subsidised place which many, many other families would like. I’m sorry but I think the options are you either split up and live separately or you and your DP need to find some way of sourcing the funds. The other option is that the son moves into the state sector with most other kids. It’s not the school’s problem.

Well then he can change for a higher paying job, or take a second job, rather than expecting op to pay?

I'm very sorry for your DSS but the issue is that his father can't afford his school fees. What does your DP propose?

1. He could try to persuade the school that his partner's income has nothing to do with his son.
2. He could look for another source of income - work, loan, family.
3. He could move his son to another school.
4. He could move himself and his son out of your home.

If you don't want to pay towards the boy's school fees that's up to you. I guess the school can make their own rules about how they assess eligibility for discounts.

Then He can’t continue to attend the private school can he? If his PARENTS can’t afford it, he can no longer go. That’s just life.

I am going to completely out myself here, but the bursary is 50%. DP was paying £600pm, his ex-wife was paying the other £600pm. He’s now paying £1,200 which he can just about afford. If the bursary gets withdrawn he will have to pay £2,400pm which he simply cannot afford without me contributing that half in some sense.

As others have said this scenario is very similar when assessing student finance. It's very unfair that the main person with care has their partner's income assessed and not the absent parent. But that's how it is.
This is now a test of how supportive you are prepared to be to your partner and how much trust there is. I understand it's completely not your responsibility however there is an autistic boy at the heart of this who has presumably had a very difficult time with his mother. I have been in this exact scenario. All I can tell you is I supported my partner fully. Yes it felt unfair, I was asked to go above and beyond, but I love my partner and with that I wanted the best for their dc. Things have changed and I am now in the situation where I am needing more support and my dp is now here for me, stepping up.
This scenario is unfair on you but if you approach it totally from your own perspective of this isn't my problem, then I don't see your relationship lasting anyway.