To not pay stepchild’s private school fees.

[CloverRiver]

My stepchild is 13 and has 3 years left of secondary school. They’ve been in a nice private school for the past 2 years, funded by my DP and his ex-wife. They benefited from a reduction and discount in fees.

My stepchild recently came to live with us full time, this is ordered by the court and social services and it has been traumatic for him. I’ll avoid details because I don’t want to out myself and to protect their privacy.

My issue: My stepchild’s school has now said that, as my stepchild is living with us full time, they want to assess my income and I need to be a co-signature to his school fees. I do not want to be liable for school fees, potentially thousands a year. If I sign this contract I will be made joint and severely liable, if for whatever reason DP didn’t pay or we split up I’d still be liable for it. I also do not want my accounts being analysed in depth, audited etc. DP and I are not married but we do live together and have done for a number of years.

I have told DP that it’s a firm no but he is now really cross and adamant this will potentially mean his child loses his place at school. The school has sent two emails now saying they want my income details and that they expect me to sign the contract. Before people suggest pulling him out and putting him in state, he has moderate autism, so he really does need and benefit from the school.

A very hard no from me. If it is your house, ask your partner to leave, and visa versa if it is his.
Also why is your partner getting angry you will not contribute? What a entitled attitude. The child is not yours, do not weaken your finances, you may need them later, or if you do it, you may have to scrimp and scrape for alot of years.
This is not your problem to solve.

I think you're focusing on the wrong thing, if you don't mind me saying it. Yes, technically if you signed it you'd be 'liable' to pay but you'd give immediate notice to the school if you couldn't afford it, leaving only one term to cover - still a lot of money but not 26k.

It's more the fact that he'll lose some/all of his bursary as they'll take your income and assets (and expenditure - cars, holidays, size of mortgage) into account. So, what discussion has been had about who pays the difference in fees once the bursary has gone/is smaller? That's the conversation that needs to happen with you and your partner. Was he expecting you to cover it? Now that WILL be thousands and thousands....

If he was expecting you to cover it and you refuse to do so (which in my mind you are right to do. You've had no conversation about it and you are not married), then his son would have to leave school anyway.

I'd ask for a meeting with the bursar and go from there, but be warned these things are sometimes out of the bursar's hands as external agencies are usually used to 'assess' the amount a family can contribute towards fees and then the bursar makes the final decision based on this information.

@Emptyandsad

Not on the basis that a non-related individual won't pay it but they can withdraw the school place on the basis that the reduced school fees aren't being met anymore.

Which has nothing to do with OP, but due to the withdrawal of the ex.

If you are talking about a liability of £26k and there is no choice but to either sign it or not, (and if you don't, then the boy cannot stay at the school), what you need to decide is whether it is worth spending £26k to salvage your relationship (assuming you can afford it).

If you decide not to sign it and your boyfriend is furious that his child cannot attend this school, then it strikes me that your relationship might be at an end anyway.

Yet again the absent parents gets to walk away financially scot free and the resident parent and their partner have to foot the bill. Its all a load of rubbish. Whatever the circumstance it is the main responsibility of the parents. I don't think that the partners girlfriend should be suddenly having to foot a luxury bill of thousands. I am sure that the OP is already contributing to the every day living of the child but luxury choices that other people made shouldn't make the OP feel obligated, that is entitled of the parents.

The truth is if the boyfriend didn't live with the OP then he still would not be able to pay this bill. He is now able to pay more towards this bill BECAUSE he is living with the OP and what she is already contributing, the OP then shouldn't have to also pay even more towards this bill that the OPs boyfriend could never afford to pay on his own.

Well that might be for the best because her boyfriend sounds entitled as fuck.

Can anyone with knowledge about this explain why the school didn’t deem me relevant (or the ex-wife’s husband) prior to stepson living with us full time? When it was 50% each, it was only the parents who were on the contract and the parents who paid and were deemed liable. Now that stepson is with us full time, I am suddenly financially responsible but wasn’t when he lived here half the time?

Is this standard practise on behalf of the school as it all seems very odd.

A cohabitation agreement comprehensively establishes you are cohabiting and that (if the bursary is based on household income), your income should be taken into account.

This won’t work to show your income isn’t relevant to the bursary. At all.

Private schools fees are a lot and being shared with ex and a discount was doable for your partner

now dad aka your dp has to find double each month /term to cover mums /her lack of fees

you could talk to the school. In person and explain the situation. Obv they know what’s happened to the mum refusing to pay or more the fact she prob can’t afford to pay if on uc

I can’t see them covering the bursary knowing he lives with you and therefore your income goes into the ‘pot’

but you could ask/plead with their better nature that the boy keeps his discount for the next 2/3yrs due to his personal situation

if that happened - can you partner pay the whole discounted rate for the 2/3yrs left of school ?

yes it means you subbing him for other stuff - but it’s a partnership - you would have the do the same if suddenly lost his job or got ill and couldn’t work - and you pay more of the household bills

you say he can’t get a loan out as again you would sub him with the p extra payments - but would a loan over 5years be doable - yes be paying it off after school has finished but similar to paying for a car or a kitchen

I do really feel for this child. His own mother has washed her hands off him. Doesn’t want to see /pay for him at all and her being on benefits all you would get is £7 a week or £27.50 a month like I do from ex

I don’t know your income. I get why you don’t want to pay for prob 50/75% of school fees - but could you manage it while he’s at this school and while you are with dp

is it the possible liable for fees if break up that makes you not want to sign and again I get that

your partner needs to take on a second job /to contribute more towards fees if he expects DS to say there

Yes, it sounds like this is going to put the relationship in a difficult position either way. There's a mismatch in expectations here.

DP thinks OP should sign the contract and fund DSS school fees, OP doesn't. If nothing changes, either he's going to be angry when she doesn't, or she'll be pressured into it and potentially feel resentful. Either of those things could spell serious trouble for the relationship.

You just need to look at the school policies and terms of the bursary. None of us can answer that im afraid

A cohabitation agreement wouldn't stop you being a household for income assessment purposes OP.

The only way for you not to have your income included in an assessment of household income is for you not to be a part of the household. The only way you can do that is to not live together and not have jointly owned property.

Does the law define bonking as a legal status? If I'm bonking my boss, they are still my boss, likewise does bonking your landlady change her legal obligations to you?

The OP clearly does not want to be signing a document that makes her liable for DSS fees, fair enough.

The school also has full discretion as regards the bursary - what I have outlined is a scenario, where no law is being broken, whereby her DP can say fairly to the school "this is my financial living arrangement".

The school can care, or not care as it wishes - but the alternative is to decline the schools financial scrutiny and have the bursary withdrawn.

Because he is now living full time with you

this is his residential address so your income as part of the household will be checked

It will be in the fine print of the bursary agreement - I would imagine the ex wife has withdrawn her consent from the agreement as it stood - they would be happy if they still had the signatures, payees and liable parties.

My guess is she has withdrawn, informed them of the new arrangements and they are following through.

Can you arrange a meeting with the school to discuss?

Along the lines of - look, one of your 13 year old pupils is going through massive upset and change and is vulnerable. His estrangement from his mother has ongoing implications for him and he is having counselling. He needs stability and routine and that is what his father and I are trying to provide even though we are not married. We understand that you are concerned about payment of fees but it is really not in this child's best interests to have to leave the school and go elsewhere. Should we lose the bursary, this is what will happen. The parents are jointly responsible for the fees, not the father and his partner. This is an exceptional situation blah blah blah, safeguarding blah blah blah, duty of care blah blah blah.

And see what they say.

I assume it’s because it’s now more clear cut as to which household stepson lives in.

I suppose so, just seems strange that they are now talking about household income when at one point they were happy just to accept parental income and leave ‘step parents’ alone.

Just say you don’t live there anymore. You being there is none of their business. Or say you have separate finances.

They’re a company OP, they want money.

The standard policy would be that the main household is assessed. Due to your partner and his ex having a 50/50 split household with shared custody, they agreed to split the responsibility. Now SS isn’t in a split household, it reverts to standard policy.

What we haven't heard is whether the OP's partner wants her actually to contribute to the fees or whether he feels he can cope financially and just needs her to be the guarantor, without ever having to stump up.

Of course, most people (me included) would advice against signing anything with which you wouldn't be prepared to comply

And they'll say provide us with details of the household income and we'll assess it and award a bursary in line with affordability based on that household income.

If the household (which includes OP) can afford to pay full fees but choose not to, then the child will obviously need to leave the school. That's the choice of the members of the household, not the school.

However, I suspect that OPs DP will leave the relationship rather than remove his child from the school in view of the circumstances. I certainly would in that situation. His child has suffered enough upheaval and trauma as it is.

If your partner can't afford the fees with the bursary then it is all moot isn't it?

He needs to find a way to increase the bursary or afford the full fees?

It sounds like your SS should never have been entitled tbh. Both his households appear to be ineligible for the bursary once full household costs are considered?