To not pay stepchild’s private school fees.

[CloverRiver]

My stepchild is 13 and has 3 years left of secondary school. They’ve been in a nice private school for the past 2 years, funded by my DP and his ex-wife. They benefited from a reduction and discount in fees.

My stepchild recently came to live with us full time, this is ordered by the court and social services and it has been traumatic for him. I’ll avoid details because I don’t want to out myself and to protect their privacy.

My issue: My stepchild’s school has now said that, as my stepchild is living with us full time, they want to assess my income and I need to be a co-signature to his school fees. I do not want to be liable for school fees, potentially thousands a year. If I sign this contract I will be made joint and severely liable, if for whatever reason DP didn’t pay or we split up I’d still be liable for it. I also do not want my accounts being analysed in depth, audited etc. DP and I are not married but we do live together and have done for a number of years.

I have told DP that it’s a firm no but he is now really cross and adamant this will potentially mean his child loses his place at school. The school has sent two emails now saying they want my income details and that they expect me to sign the contract. Before people suggest pulling him out and putting him in state, he has moderate autism, so he really does need and benefit from the school.

If we ignore my spelling (being dyslexic) explain exactly how it is fraud, and scroll back to my posts where I point out:

A- I worked in a school bursary

B- That such an agreement should be drawn up by a SOLICITOR under their guidance.

However, I reiterate, the OP has no current legal obligations to the school as she has signed no contract and the child is not hers. She cannot be held liable for anything as things stand.

The school, as all do, offer bursaries at their discretion, if they are not happy with the scenario they can withdraw the offer.

Can you call and speak to someone rather than put it in writing on email. Ask for full clarity on the situation, you aren’t married which is the main crux of this, the child has had a tumultuous time of it lately and what are the bare bones of the situation. You need to put it on them. I’d insist over the phone that you aren’t married and don’t have joint finances. I’d say bursary places are for children who have had difficulties in life not just academic bursary’s. You aren’t the child’s parent especially in the eyes of the law.

You're not married so technically this isn't even your step child. You could walk away today if you wanted.
Don't sign anything.

I’m sorry but she doesn’t get to not be liable for him . She hasn’t lost parental rights just residency right so she is liable for her son . You are not married or on the court order . You just need to appeal this with the school

These are two separate issues, although school have conflated them

(1) eligibility for bursary, based on household income
(2) school wishing to be able to pursue you for fees if DP and his ex wife don't pay

You're not legally responsible for the child but I kind of see where the school are coming from. Other parents may feel it's unfair for a household with a lower income to subsidise DSS's fees. And school are running a business - they want to be sure the fees will be paid

If you decline, I expect -
(1) child may lose bursary
(2) school may threaten to withdraw the school place, but I imagine they'd be keen to avoid that

I would try to get an appointment with the school and speak to them. But YANBU. I would not get involved in being financially responsible for a £26000 liability with all the trappings it incurs.

OP, how long have you been in a relationship with/lived with your partner?

And leaving this issue aside, how do you view the future of the relationship? Does it have lifelong potential or are you not ready to make that commitment? Do you want to marry him down the line? There are no right or wrong answers there - but if you do see this as a potential lifelong relationship then that also entails a lifelong familial relationship with your partner's son. That should be a factor in your choices.

Tbh I'm not quite sure what you want from your post though.

For us to agree that the school is being unreasonable? That's of no use to you - even if they are unreasonable they still hold the cards. There has been some useful practical advice about trying to push back, but ultimately it's in their power whether they pull the bursary or not.

For us to reassure you that you're doing the "right" thing? Well, you're not legally responsible for your partner's son's school fees and refusing to pay them is certainly sensible. It's a huge amount of money (though depending on how much you earn, it may or may not be so huge to you). And certainly if there's anyone to blame for this, it's the boy's mother. Plus, private school is a huge luxury in the first place.

For us to give you relationship advice? Well there's the thing. You're not obliged to do anything or take on additional financial responsibility. But nonetheless, this will have an impact on how your partner and his son feel about you. You know them better than us, and maybe they're the kind of people who can genuinely move on. Or maybe they're not, and they'll see his son disadvantaged at a time of real trauma for him, and they'll always have that thought lurking that you could have done something about it and chose not to. And practically the most obvious route forward is for either you or your partner to move out (depending who owns the house).

They have to reassess the household finances due to change of circumstance, that is standard.

Either DP can pay both his and ex’s share of fees or he can’t.

If he can’t the school can either:

1. Increase the bursary
2. Decline to increase it in the knowledge DS may have to leave

They can’t remove an existing bursary on the basis that a non-related individual won’t pay it.

They can simply invite DP and OP to consider whether, as a joint household, she would be willing to take on that responsibility herself, but it’s completely voluntary.

Your relationship is over, OP, unless you are happy to contribute to school fees.

Your DP and his son need to live separately from you so that your DP can continue to be eligible for the bursary and his traumatised, autistic son who has suffered abuse from his mother can stay in his safe school where he has security.

Your options are pay towards school fees as you are part of the family unit, or leave the relationship as you are not part of the family unit.

What difference do you think the married bit makes? The school can't hold her liable either way.

It’s sounds to me whether you go through the assessment or not the outcome will be the same, your DH can’t afford the fees on his own.
Therefore that needs to be worked out. If you are refusing to help he needs to find another way.
i do find it sad that you don’t want to help with the fees if you can afford to. It sounds like he’s been through a lot and changing school at this age is also very tough.
Do you see this man as your life partner, if so his son will be in your life forever. When you take on a partner with children I do believe you take on an element of responsibility and a step family is a family.

It sounds like your poor SS has had a very hard time.

I'd be discussing the situation further with the school, but also expecting DH to take the lead in finding possible solutions to enable his son to stay at the school for stability. Extra job? Actual lodger for extra income? Moving out?

Unless OP is happy to entertain paying fees, and signing for liability, then I would strongly suggest she makes no contact with the school, formally or informally.

Her DP can do the talking, as he is the customer.

One of the terms of the bursary will almost certainly be that they have to provide details of household income annually, and that the bursary will be removed if details not supplied (and the bursary amount will be reassessed annually on household income).

The only way that OP can avoid her income being included in the assessment of household income is for her not to be part of the household.

This.

I feel really sorry for the lad. At a time when he needs as much stability as possible following the change arising from the court proceedings, and whatever preceded them, he may end up having to change schools because his DF's partner isn't prepared to disclose financial info to the current school.

I think that's really callous, and if I was the DF I would be seriously considering whether I wanted to be in a relationship with someone so hardfaced and selfish.

I think it would be better for OP if the relationship ends, he has revealed a grasping and entitled attitude.

Yeah I agree. School wouldn't fall for this

You could agree to disclose details of your finances to enable them to assess bursary level, but I'd hold firm on refusing to take responsibility to pay the fees

Looking online, it seems I would be wanting a Cohabitation Agreement? Which I don’t actually think is a bad thing anyway, regardless of the bursary situation, given the significant change in circumstances.

School are wanting to assess household income to see if he’s eligible for bursary. If you don’t want to give income details then dad will need to pay fees in full, he may no longer be eligible for bursary anymore now he lives with you both.
Student finance assess in same way - it catches a lot of people out. Low earning mum, moves in with bf, teen only eligible for min loan yet bf has no parental or financial responsibility to the teen.

Your idea is nonsense and doesn't work at all. What the school want to know is are they living as a couple - are they a household. They don't need to know if her boyfriend pays her some rent or not.

If you're suggesting that him paying rent provides some useful evidence to help the couple lie to the school about their status then that is absolutely fraud.

If you're suggesting they are honest with the school and say they are living as a couple but by the way he pays me rent under this agreement then the school won't care and it won't affect the affordability situation.

I am a SOLICITOR by the way.

Does your dp expect you to help pay? That’s the vital thing? Given that he can’t afford to pay, even with the bursary, surely it’s irrelevant whether you agree to the school’s demands - unless you dig deep he’ll have to leave.

That’s the conversation you and dp should be having, no point at all in focussing on what the school wants.

For the record it’s perfectly reasonable for them to include your finances in the bursary assessment. It’s not reasonable of them to insist you take on fee liability.

And the school can just turn around and say, "yeah but nah," and withdraw the bursary anyway. It isn't a LEGAL issue. The school can introduce whatever rules it wants.

They can’t remove an existing bursary on the basis that a non-related individual won’t pay it.

Not on the basis that a non-related individual won't pay it but they can withdraw the school place on the basis that the reduced school fees aren't being met anymore.

I don't know whether a bursary can be withdrawn midway through a school year, but my understanding (and please correct me if I'm wrong) is that the basis of the bursary is re-assessed every year.

Either way, what is happening here is that the relationship between OP and her partner is being tested here by some new circumstances. How they react will be a demonstration of their commitment to each other. There isn't a right or wrong answer. OP is responsible for her own happiness and should act accordingly. In my opinion, for what it's worth (not very much) the school isn't being out of order here. Nobody is (except maybe the child's mum; but she has mental health problems).

I meant un-related not un-married - fair point.

Please don't take this poster's advice, they were claiming to be an electrician last week while advising on another thread. I think they just like feeling authoritative.