To not pay stepchild’s private school fees.

[CloverRiver]

My stepchild is 13 and has 3 years left of secondary school. They’ve been in a nice private school for the past 2 years, funded by my DP and his ex-wife. They benefited from a reduction and discount in fees.

My stepchild recently came to live with us full time, this is ordered by the court and social services and it has been traumatic for him. I’ll avoid details because I don’t want to out myself and to protect their privacy.

My issue: My stepchild’s school has now said that, as my stepchild is living with us full time, they want to assess my income and I need to be a co-signature to his school fees. I do not want to be liable for school fees, potentially thousands a year. If I sign this contract I will be made joint and severely liable, if for whatever reason DP didn’t pay or we split up I’d still be liable for it. I also do not want my accounts being analysed in depth, audited etc. DP and I are not married but we do live together and have done for a number of years.

I have told DP that it’s a firm no but he is now really cross and adamant this will potentially mean his child loses his place at school. The school has sent two emails now saying they want my income details and that they expect me to sign the contract. Before people suggest pulling him out and putting him in state, he has moderate autism, so he really does need and benefit from the school.

That is not how legal contracts work. They cannot just go, oh x won't pay lets take her off the contract and ask y. They need to be chasing her for the money she owes on the contract that she signed. Your partner then has until the end of this year to come up with a plan on how he is going to pay this.

I understand your position. If I was your partner I would decide to live separately to you to avoid my child having to leave their school - which you have said will happen whether you agree to this or not anyway because of your income.

There is something else going on here.

I've asked around 4 times why he can't get a loan and what the difference is per year now the mum isn't paying.

The fact you're not answering suggests

1 He doesn't want to - he'd rather you stepped up.
2 He doesn't think he'd get a loan as he has a bad credit rating.

Have you read the current contract that is in place?

No - they could move out and quite possibly qualify for a bigger bursary. Single dad, low income, entirely supporting himself and his child.

I think there are two separate issues here:

1. Assessing your income in terms of bursary. This seems like it is common practice, so in theory you could say yes to this part, assuming you are not signing anything.

1. The fees going up once your income is assessed and DP not being able to afford it (and also you being liable for fees). What is your DP's suggestion here? Is he asking that you contribute directly? If he is, he needs to have a straightforward conversation with you about this. You said he was annoyed, but I'm not clear at present what he is asking you to do.

It does sometimes happen that people aren't pursued for a contractual obligation because the other party doesn't think the cost will justify what they'll get out of it. Without more information it's not possible to say if the school are right in that assessment, but certainly people exist who it's not financially worth suing.

Ah I see. I misunderstood. In that case the dad either goes and lives on his own without a partner so that his child can continue to go to the school or he stays with OP and moves his child to another school. No other options really.

He could get a loan - but again I’d be subsidising him and paying. He’s already having to cover double the school fees to account for his ex-wife no longer paying. Any loan he would get would mean he would have even less and I’d then be having to pay a greater share of the bills and expenses ergo I am effectively paying the school fees again!

I have not read all the thread, but is this not quite simple?

The school assess reduced fees based on household income, therefore either -

(1) OP accepts that the household is OP, DP and DSS, and they are all in it together financially and emotionally
or
(2) OP accepts they are a household but does not accept that the fact that they are all in it together financially and emotionally and does what suits her no matter the cost to DSS
or
(3) OP and DP stop living as one household in the hope that this can result in OP making the choices that I support her in making whilst DSS can retain the school place he needs

Why the hell didn't you consider the cold hard fact (and I support you 100% in this) that DSS in not your f-ing kid and ultimately you don't care that much before moving in with his dad? Why the hell did DP not consider his kids needs before moving in with OP?

This isn’t about unpaid fees!
It’s about reassessment for a bursary.

Well it’s his mum that is the bad guy here if she is refusing to continue paying her share of the fees. I think you all have to accept that if he is going to lose the bursury and you don’t want to take on the financial obligation ( which I don’t blame you) he will need to move to state school.

Just write to the school and tell them

You have no responsibility for DPs financial arrangements - your finances are separate
You have no parental responsibility for the child ( assuming you are not named in any court order)
You are not, and will not be liable for school fees.
Tell them to cease the harassment.

Alternatively, have a lawyer write the letter.

You are not at all unreasonable. If you chose to treat the child, that’s one thing, but they cannot demand it.

The OP needs to check the contract and see if they can change this mid contract.

True, but it can take years and may not succeed. I’d be inclined to push for that bursary to remain in place until he completes he’s GCSEs and then reassess for sixth form. It’s not fair to be forced to move a child midway through a two year course and there is some case law to support this. A different situation with a grammar school but the basic premise of an increased obligation to provide continuity applies.

This is what happens in a family though..have you considered that being a stepparent (or maybe even a parent) isn't for you?

So he can't get a loan really because he can't afford the repayments- that's what you're saying.

Can he increase his income?

Seriously is this a man you want to be with? You've taken on a very complicated situation and his attitude towards you doesnt sound great.

Do you have children? Do you want children?

Surely they can assess bursaries based on household income?

The problem here is that OP and DP want it both ways - household for cost saving a sexual partner on tap purposes, but not for "we're all in it 100% together purposes" (because they're not, because OP is sane and does not see DSS as her son or responsibility, cos he ain't.)

He has to move out or get a second job.

It can't be fraud if its legally done - you are not married, you can change your financial agreements at any time, especially in light of new circumstances.

They key thing is that it is formally agreed and that you declare it as income so it is fully kosher with the tax man.

So you have told him no so what does he intend to do?

Take on more work?

Move out If it would guarantee the bursary?

He wants his son at that school so it's his problem to solve imo.

I am all for step children being treated as a family unit but this is not something I would agree to either.

The income should be based on the child's biological parents or at the very least the ones who enrolled them up in the first place.

Could you fire back with, although you live together as a couple, your finances are separate and even your partner is not privy to those details.

Also, I am no legal expert but could this fall under GDPR after all you are not the child's mother or step mother so also should not be privy to personal details relating to your partner/boyfriends childs information.

So have they asked the mum/ex wife new dh to pay as well

Isn’t this still down to the school’s discretion ultimately? As couldn’t they argue, okay he’s your lodger but you still buy food for them? Or he’s your lodger but you still share a car? That sort of scenario?

I'll be honest my child has a step father who would do anything for her, treats her fully as his own and I don't have a step child(as such, he's his adult step son but part of our household) so I am biased but I can't imagine not doing my best for a step child and if it was feasible financially I'd help with the school fees if the benefit to the child was as worthwhile as it sounds in this situation.

We are a family, finances are very joint, I couldn't cohabit with someone and not have an equal relationship with, whoever earns the money (me in our case)