To not pay stepchild’s private school fees.

[CloverRiver]

My stepchild is 13 and has 3 years left of secondary school. They’ve been in a nice private school for the past 2 years, funded by my DP and his ex-wife. They benefited from a reduction and discount in fees.

My stepchild recently came to live with us full time, this is ordered by the court and social services and it has been traumatic for him. I’ll avoid details because I don’t want to out myself and to protect their privacy.

My issue: My stepchild’s school has now said that, as my stepchild is living with us full time, they want to assess my income and I need to be a co-signature to his school fees. I do not want to be liable for school fees, potentially thousands a year. If I sign this contract I will be made joint and severely liable, if for whatever reason DP didn’t pay or we split up I’d still be liable for it. I also do not want my accounts being analysed in depth, audited etc. DP and I are not married but we do live together and have done for a number of years.

I have told DP that it’s a firm no but he is now really cross and adamant this will potentially mean his child loses his place at school. The school has sent two emails now saying they want my income details and that they expect me to sign the contract. Before people suggest pulling him out and putting him in state, he has moderate autism, so he really does need and benefit from the school.

So, either way he won't be eligible for the bursary?

So, unless you cough up, he'll have to leave.

Sadly, for him, I don't think you're being unreasonable

So what this shows is that they can bend the rules when they want to.

Asking again, why can't your DP get a loan?

I'm shocked he's not talking to the school and trying to come up with a payment plan even if the fees have to be paid once his child has left at 16.

I'm also shocked he's shouting at you. Taking on a child who has had such terrible parenting (at least by the mother) is not easy and I think you need to ask yourself if this is a man you really want and if he's a 'nice man'.

It's going to be a long road with co-parenting a child with so many issues anyway without the financial side too.

Do you have children and do you want any with him?

The schools stance is that our household needs to be assessed, despite us not counting as a household when stepson only lived here half the time. Now he’s full time we are, in their eyes, now a household. They want to assess my income and also state I need to sign the new contract as part of that contract which will make me and DP joint and severally liable for the fees.

This suggestion looks good. It would get you off the hook for fees and allow DP to continue to pay the current reduced fees. It would also allow the boy to maintain some stability in an otherwise disastrous situation.

Good luck!

Have you posted on this before? It sounds familiar, especially the paying for the child's counselling.

There are two separate issues here.
The first is whether the child remains eligible for the bursary. It is entirely up to the school how they determine the criteria. It sounds like they consider the household income rather than parental income. Therefore, they are asking for evidence of your income to determine whether the child remains eligible for a bursary.
The second issue is then whether you sign the parent contract. It is this which makes you jointly & severally liable for the school fees. I can’t see any reason why you would sign up to this. Nor can the school insist that you do.
I do suggest a meeting with the Bursar & pastoral lead to ensure they fully understand the situation. Unfortunately, school finances are increasingly tight so they may not have the flexibility to bend the criteria that they had a couple of years ago.

🤫 just occurred, apologies (I know people hate this) but is this a reverse?

In your position I’d move out into smaller accommodation to separate all the paperwork/household set up. I’d continue the relationship but not the living together situation. This does mean some extra spend but you are not chained to the school contractually.

I think you’re kind of missing the point.
Obligation to pay fees is one aspect of this, and I think we all agree that OP should NOT be signing any contract to that effect.
But the bigger issue is the qualification for a substantial bursary. If OP doesn’t allow her income to be assessed AND commit to a liability to pay the remaining fees, the bursary will be removed and fees will be unaffordable.

The living arrangements need to change or the kid needs to change schools. That’s about the top and bottom of it.

I would just kick up as much of a stink as possible until this goes away. Lean on the fact you are not married, refer to your partner as your “boyfriend” and say regardless of what sort of a tantrum your DSS’s mother has thrown, these are his two parents. Either they’ll give up or they won’t but it’s worth a shot.

You've already said that.

You're not saying why your DP isn't in school discussing this, or able to get a loan.

What an absolutely awful thing to do to the child. That poor kid. But is it possible the mum is doing this to punish your partner? She would know that this would force things and place pressure on your relationship. And yes, she would be using her son as a pawn. But she already has a MH condition and has 'lost' so maybe saying 'fuck it, let's go nuclear'

I understand you are walking a fine line here- and it does force your hand to make a decision about how committed you are to DP as a unit (including his child). It's emotionally charged and feels a manipulative. Id want to separate, or get some breathing space.

No, this has only occurred in the last couple of days. I have posted about the situation of my stepson and his mum before, perhaps that’s where it seems familiar?

What on earth are you on about- you mean this is the dad?

Agree.

But eiither way he needs to leave the school. If they assess your income, the discount goes. If you don't let them, the discount goes. Is your DP expecting you to pay the increase in fees? Surely he knows that is unreasonable when it's not your child and you aren't married.

I hope no one, in this day or age, is running on the opinion that marriage isn’t required for anything and partnerships are equal - we see about 100 threads on MN a week from women who discover this isn’t true, and they’re about to get financially fucked over. As for the bursary, it will come down to the law. I may absolutely be wrong; I don’t know exactly what paperwork OP’s DP signed, and it doesn’t sound like she does either.

@CloverRiver , the only answer is to consult a solicitor. We’re talking about £26K or a child’s well being; it’s worth getting a qualified, legal opinion, which none of us are. It doesn’t matter what any of us think; all that matters is paperwork and the law.

Look at what @DeftWasp has posted as a way round this and I would do it so the child gets to keep his place and you are not considered a household.

They can fuck off, both the school and your grifting boyfriend.

Is your DP skint?
How much short of the annual fees is he , if the ex isn't paying?

Why can't he get a loan?
He could get a 3-year loan.

So who was paying her share before, her husband?

Your DP needs to go to the school and say as his ex has parental responsibility, her income needs to be assessed alongside his. Ultimately he’s on shaky ground though. It seems that his income counted as 50% of the requirement as he had 50% custody. As his son is going to be living in a better off household, it stands that he is no longer eligible for the bursary. He will be benefiting from a stable, non-abusive and financially secure household though, so your DP should be pleased?

Have you even read the thread- he's not her husband.

@DeftWasp Would this not be considered fraud? The school know we live together and have done for a couple of years, now all of a sudden he’s my lodger?

Yes it would be fraud. You may well be able to get away with it though