To not pay stepchild’s private school fees.

[CloverRiver]

My stepchild is 13 and has 3 years left of secondary school. They’ve been in a nice private school for the past 2 years, funded by my DP and his ex-wife. They benefited from a reduction and discount in fees.

My stepchild recently came to live with us full time, this is ordered by the court and social services and it has been traumatic for him. I’ll avoid details because I don’t want to out myself and to protect their privacy.

My issue: My stepchild’s school has now said that, as my stepchild is living with us full time, they want to assess my income and I need to be a co-signature to his school fees. I do not want to be liable for school fees, potentially thousands a year. If I sign this contract I will be made joint and severely liable, if for whatever reason DP didn’t pay or we split up I’d still be liable for it. I also do not want my accounts being analysed in depth, audited etc. DP and I are not married but we do live together and have done for a number of years.

I have told DP that it’s a firm no but he is now really cross and adamant this will potentially mean his child loses his place at school. The school has sent two emails now saying they want my income details and that they expect me to sign the contract. Before people suggest pulling him out and putting him in state, he has moderate autism, so he really does need and benefit from the school.

I would honestly just leave. What he is asking of you is so out of order. This isn’t your child. Don’t pay or invest in something which you don’t benefit.
how dare they ask for your income and expect you, who has no ties to this child to pay for his education. I would rather leave than give a penny.
he’s already living with you, and now they want your money too. Yes he’s a child BUT you are not his parent. Don’t feel like you have to step up because they will take you for a ride

Why on earth does this school need to assess your income? That’s not normal surely?!

My kids go to private school and we just receive an invoice in advance of a new term, and pay it. No one has ever asked about our income, and I wouldn’t tell them if they did. It’s not like we are asking for credit.

I can’t imagine the school are going to kick out an otherwise paid-up pupil if you refuse to give them this information. Is there some history of non-payment or something?

Things like having both your incomes assessed for means tested fees and benefits.

Basically it’s the same as uc

the child gets a discount in fees due to parents income

so like uc if a man moves in with the woman uc will take his income into the pot

so same with the reduced fees

you are a couple. You live together and therefore your income will come into it

I assume you earn well and therefore the dad /child will lose his reduced fees

Think the only way round it is you can not live together for the next few years of school if need the reduced fees

tho means then 2 households to run. another rent /mortgage to pay and bills etc

Single mothers do NOT have to move partners in. Problem solved.

Not read the full thread so apologies if someone has said this - as a step parent you are not legally tied to your step child - this child has no rights to inherit anything from you unless you make a willing leaving it to them - they are not your next of kin. The school should not be doing this - sounds like they are trying to pull a fast one and get out of the discount for whatever reason. As some previous posters have said refuse and seek legal advice.

And indeed the mum will likely still have this responsibility! If shes formally notified rhe school that she no longer wants this then I'm not sure how that works. But I don't think you can just unilaterally remove yourself

This.

Why are some posters confusing benefits and school fees?

No way should you agree to this. What are they going to do if you don’t do it? Suspend his school place because a person with no parental responsibility towards the child isn’t giving their details? What a joke. Private schools are a business and this one will clearly try go to extra lengths to make sure they get their money.

What if your partner was living with his parents? I’m assuming the school would ask for both of their details too because he’d be living with them?

As much as you like this school for dss, I think they’ve shown themselves up with this. That they’ll hassle someone who isn’t the child’s parent to secure their money and will dish out penalties if you don’t which will impact the child, who they probably claim they care about as one of their pupils. 👎🏻 Yeah right.

So either you give them your private financial information and sign to pay for a child for whom you have no parental responsibility (or rights) and lose the bursary or you tell them to sod off and he loses the bursary.

Either way, the bursary will go and your DP will not be able to afford the fees. If you sign a contract you will be paying the fees even if you separate from the DP.

Why would you sign in this situation?

Because the child gets a means-tested bursary.

I would consider it mildly financially abusive to have a partner demand up to 25k pa from me...

It's telling that your Dp's first thought isnt to apply for an EHCP to name the school, get a second or third job, or simply meet with the head to see if there would be an exception

I do not protest against it, no. Can they if they wish to, yes, should it be expected, certainly not. I'm just of the mind that people should financially support their own children (whether a mother or a father). It's very lovely if someone chooses to help, but feeling entitled is very presumptuous of anyone.

As a mother of 3 ND children I do understand this. I was fortunate that I was able to find schools with good provision and I was very involved with this but there were ups and downs along the way. OPs partner may have to explore his options and look around state schools in the area as they may be excellent. He should also approach the child's social worker, considering the situation I would guess he has one, who may be able to assist with this.

I don't think that the OP should be liable for her boyfriends child's education costs. I am sure that as he is now living with her she is happily contributing towards his every day living costs, and she has already said she is funding his counselling.

The similarity is that:

a) the government hand out benefits and get to set the rules and use household income as the affordability metric

b) the school hands out discounts and gets to set the rules and uses household income as the affordability metric.

Does that clear it up for you?

What they’ll do is apply full fees, which the dad can’t afford, so the place will be terminated.

This is not about OP, it’s about the child getting a means-tested bursary he’s no longer entitled to.

Is it £25K pa or £25k over 3 years?

I doubt very much it's £25K pa as 50% of the fee at a day school unless it's Eton or similar.

The thing is this is about your relationship. In a healthy relationship, OP would have her views heard and considered simply because she is partially liable and perhaps contributing to the school fees. That's not to say she would get to make all.decisions, but she would be heard, by her partner at least. And then he would present what they've decided as a couple to his co-parent as their view on the matter.

OP's opinions being discounted is a relationship issue. You shouldnt pick a partner like that, which is essentially what they say to women who pick men who won't share all financial burdens after moving in. They tell women to pick better.

"I would consider it mildly financially abusive to have a partner demand up to 25k pa from me..."

That's an excellent argument to put forward to the school bursar: that they are colluding in financial abuse!

I think that the state should be strict on absent parents who aren't paying their way (mostly men) which means that the Mother is picking up the slack.

I see what you are saying and in many ways it is not unreasonable but really it depends on what you expect your future to look like with this man. If you plan on staying together indefinitely and marrying and there is the potential to take on parental responsibility then you may as well have a frank discussion about the level of commitment in your relationship and co sign.

If on the other hand you really don’t know if you want to stay together and therefore don’t want to take on any financial responsibility towards your partner’s child then you would be doing all of you a favour by moving on. That may sound harsh but your partner now has full time legal responsibilities for his child and his child is not going away. I’m not sure why you would hang around in this situation if you don’t feel committed.

£25k pa for the later years of secondary school is absolutely standard in private schools.

OP your DP needs to talk to the school.

When I was working in a school, there were children there who were 'at risk' (with very difficult backgrounds) and the LEA were subsidising their fees. I'm not saying that is the case, where an LEA would step in, but schools have discretion.

If they are struggling to fill school places they may prefer a child paying 50% than no child at all.

The school weren’t bothered about me (or indeed ex-wife’s husband) when both my DP and his ex wife were on the school fees. It was them who were assessed and stepson lived between the households.

It seems since this has happened, and only one parent would now be liable, they’ve decided to try to get me on the hook too.

This! What has been the plan previously, what would he have done if you didn’t earn so well, or if you are (hopefully not!) made redundant?
will you still be held liable for signing or will they reassess?