To not pay stepchild’s private school fees.

[CloverRiver]

My stepchild is 13 and has 3 years left of secondary school. They’ve been in a nice private school for the past 2 years, funded by my DP and his ex-wife. They benefited from a reduction and discount in fees.

My stepchild recently came to live with us full time, this is ordered by the court and social services and it has been traumatic for him. I’ll avoid details because I don’t want to out myself and to protect their privacy.

My issue: My stepchild’s school has now said that, as my stepchild is living with us full time, they want to assess my income and I need to be a co-signature to his school fees. I do not want to be liable for school fees, potentially thousands a year. If I sign this contract I will be made joint and severely liable, if for whatever reason DP didn’t pay or we split up I’d still be liable for it. I also do not want my accounts being analysed in depth, audited etc. DP and I are not married but we do live together and have done for a number of years.

I have told DP that it’s a firm no but he is now really cross and adamant this will potentially mean his child loses his place at school. The school has sent two emails now saying they want my income details and that they expect me to sign the contract. Before people suggest pulling him out and putting him in state, he has moderate autism, so he really does need and benefit from the school.

Presumably she'd already signed a contract with the school saying she eas jointly and severally liable for fees. So she can't get out of it that easily !

I would be encouraging DP to seek legal advice on this.

YANBU, it's not your responsibility to pay DSSs school fees.

I wouldn't pay either @CloverRiver

Your DP and his ex have opted for a school they cannot afford, your DP now cannot afford even the reduced fees on his own, this child's mother is refusing to financially support her own son, none of that is a problem of your making. It won't just be these fees either will it, you will be expected to pick up the financial slack in all areas of this child's life. I would bet you are already supporting a larger share if the household expenses for DP and his DC as well as being the one to source and pay for counseling. Your DP needs to get real here about what he's asking of you and start researching a new school for his DC.

Realistically would your DP be able to afford to live with just his DC or does he rely on you to supplement his housing too?

Yes, as well as other clear precedents where cohabitants are treated differently to spouses.

But this goes back to OP and DP really needing to know all the information. Are the only bursaries financial, if there's an endowment fund what would the terms allow for, are there policies that might apply in a situation like this? There really is no point making assumptions that the school must automatically work on the same rules as, say, the Universal Credit system.

I understand that your step-son has had to come and live with you and his Dad. SS have been involved and the change of residency has been Court mandated. However, why isn't your step-son's Mum no longer required to pay half the school fees or child support? Regardless of the situation she's the lad's Mum, and I assume still has parental responsibility? My only thought is that she's no longer able to pay due to being institutionalised in some way. Essentially if you agree to the assessment and sign the contract, your step-son will lose his bursary due to your salary, so you will have no option but to provide financial support to your partner is some form. If you refuse the assessment and to sign the contract, then your partner won't be able to afford the school fees as his son will lose the bursary. Personally, I think it's a cheek to be asking you to agree to the assessment because you aren't married to your partner and you don't have parental responsibility for your step-son. However, I can see the schools point of view, as well. Signing is a big risk for you, because you aren't married, and if you did split, you'd still be responsible for the school fees. Would you be liable for the school fees until he finishes school completely or for the year? You are in a tricky situation. Damned if you do and damned if you don't. I understand you don't want your partner to have to move his son out of the school, but unless you're prepared to help financially, that's exactly what will have to happen.

The school are deciding fees based on household income. Those who earn little enough money will be subsidised through a bursary of some sort. Though it might not come from taxpayers, it does come from somewhere and is rationed for those with highest need. So it is still fraudulently claiming financial advantages because at least one of the adult couple do not want to assume the commitment and responsibility of a dual income despite benefiting from a co-habiting relationship.

Perhaps this is to prevent the boyfriend from sponging off the mums benefits? But tbh if he decides to live w her then I can understand why benefits should be adjusted accordingly. I assume the mum is also living for free in a council home, which means the man won't exactly be paying rent. So in fact he should be making contributions, which means her benefits should be adjusted accordingly. Too many people take advantage of the benefits system.

Not your child = not your problem. I would not be getting involved. Why are people do keen yo pass on their responsibilities to others?! I'm sure they will somehow survive at state school 🙄

It won't be 3 years anyway. It will be 5, then they will probably wont to go to university etc etc

Society does though. Do you protest against that in any way?

If the school had not made this request, what would have happened? Would your partner have continued to put all his income towards his contribution to school fees while you covered his living expenses? Or do you charge him market rent? I assume you do not, because you say he cannot afford to move out and continue paying his share of the fees. Therefore you are already indirectly subsidising the school fees.
It sounds like the school has worked this out. The question for them now is not the principle of doing so, but the degree.

It sounds like the best thing for your DP and DS to do is move out. As you don’t have PR, you then become irrelevant. And if DP has a low income and has to support both himself and his son, he may actually qualify for an even bigger bursary than he does now.

It may be treated the same but the two things are different.

Benefits = government paid to provide a basic standard of living which means the person would not be able to pay bills or eat without it.

Private school = luxury as it is a choice. If you choose not to use private education the state will provide education.

Who’s house is it? Could you say you’re separating and moving out?

I’d say “friend’s son”.

OP’s sexual relationship with the boy’s father is none of the school’s business.

It certainly shouldn’t impact bursary decisions about a pupil she has zero legal or genetic relationship with or responsibility for.

Haven’t RTFT but given the trauma they have recently faced, moving schools is not something they should also be expected to cope with. It would be too much, they have been through enough. I understand why you don’t want to be liable but in this case, I think your DP needs to put his child first and move out so he can be assessed as a single parent. His child needs him now and he needs to do whatever it takes to protect them.

The son has autism. Don’t assume the state will provide an appropriate school place for him. I speak from very bitter experience!

Would it be possible to have a meeting with school and your partner to explain situation saying that you don't have parental responsibility which is crucial in this situation and also you have no say in his life/ educational choices and therefore you struggle to understand how it can be expected of you to have financial obligations.

Yes your DP needs to move out and so he and the child are a separate household.

Sad but true.

OP do you and your partner have younger children?

If the DP and his son buggered off and the OP never saw them again she would still be liable for the school fees. It's a ridiculous situation to expect someone with no parental responsibility or say in the education of the child to sign a contract of financial responsibility for them.

The only people liable for the fees should be those with parental responsibility who signed up for the school in the first place.

Quite simply - he will have to move schools.

the bursary was given on household income. That’s now changed.

as others have pointed out it’s the same as someone on benefits wanting to keep them when a partner moves in.

@CloverRiver there’s nothing for you to do here. Refuse to be assessed. The school will have to take up next steps with DSC’s parent’s. If they rescind the bursary, he can go elsewhere, or your DH/partner will have to work out what to do.

None of this is your responsibility.

If your stepchild's parents cannot afford school fees for him, this is not your problem - you aren't married and you have no legal responsibility towards your stepchild. However, private schools are free to use their own criteria when establishing who benefits from fee reductions. I suggest that you make your own appointment with the school bursary (without either your partner or his ex-wife present) to ask detailed questions about the school's criteria for fee reductions.

Yes but they can go to tribunal to fight for parental preference if the LA did not name that specific school. OPs partner and ex should really know the ins and outs of these things if they have a child with SEN

What on earth is “the commitment and responsibility of a dual income”???

You're proving my point. The single mother who has her UC taken away and a bloke who won't provide is at risk of her and her child not having basic things like food.

The OP will either have to pay a bit of school fees and likely maintain a decent standard of living minus a holiday or two, or the kid will have to go to another school.

I don't think the OP is in the worse situation here. If I really thought this is terrible that theyre even asking her, then I'd be straight out and trying to support single mothers who might not even have dinner tonight because the government expects her man to pay for it. This is normal. The expectations they have of OP are normal.