To not pay stepchild’s private school fees.

[CloverRiver]

My stepchild is 13 and has 3 years left of secondary school. They’ve been in a nice private school for the past 2 years, funded by my DP and his ex-wife. They benefited from a reduction and discount in fees.

My stepchild recently came to live with us full time, this is ordered by the court and social services and it has been traumatic for him. I’ll avoid details because I don’t want to out myself and to protect their privacy.

My issue: My stepchild’s school has now said that, as my stepchild is living with us full time, they want to assess my income and I need to be a co-signature to his school fees. I do not want to be liable for school fees, potentially thousands a year. If I sign this contract I will be made joint and severely liable, if for whatever reason DP didn’t pay or we split up I’d still be liable for it. I also do not want my accounts being analysed in depth, audited etc. DP and I are not married but we do live together and have done for a number of years.

I have told DP that it’s a firm no but he is now really cross and adamant this will potentially mean his child loses his place at school. The school has sent two emails now saying they want my income details and that they expect me to sign the contract. Before people suggest pulling him out and putting him in state, he has moderate autism, so he really does need and benefit from the school.

Seriously do not do it . Your other half seems really unreasonably. If you are not married , his not your step-child and not your responsibility. The fact that your taking on someone else child and living with them , is more than enough.
And also, private school is a luxury

We have a clear precedent of treating the partner's income as household income.

He is not your stepchild. You are not married to your DP. You have no legal responsibility for the child.

Why isnt the mum paying?

Have they moved into your own or is it co-owned?

Do not sign any paperwork accepting financial responsibility. It is not just fees but trips,lunch,transport, exams fees, events etc. All the added costs can easily put £1500 -£2000 on bills.

What happens if the child wants to stay on for Sixth Form? You say no but Dad says yes - what happens then. You are being used as a cash cow

You are not married and he is not your child. The school have a responsibility here to. Your step child has had a huge upheaval and now they are making it about money. I would be fuming with the school. I would go to a a family solicitor for advice.

It is, clearly. People just have a problem with that.

Sorry - not had time to read the last few pages but just to say. I do sympathise, OP. You sound blindsided and it must be a worrying prospect. For me it is not about it being a private school, it is about it being a source of stability for a traumatised teen with SEN. Having seen how badly things can go wrong for that cohort, I would do all I could to keep him in that school.

My comment on owing 1/3 is because PS fee invoice are issued termly. I can't see a scenario where she would have to pay for a full year (assuming 26k pa fees).

They can’t asses your income.

Private school is a luxury. If you leave private school the state will provide the child with an education.

I guess he would get the discount if he moved out but then I expect he wouldn’t be able to afford living costs on his own? (If he can, then this is the answer).

I guess you need to make a decision if you want to support your OP/his child.

I wouldn’t sign any contract either but may decide to support my OP financially if he could no longer get the discount. He and his child come as a package so it depends how committed you are to him/the relationship. Is marriage on the cards?

It’s not a partnership because OP doesn’t want to fund her DSC’s school fees? DSC’s parents sound like they’ve applied for a financial assistance bursary. It was on them to ensure they knew the T&C’s.

Not a chance in hell if pay my DSC’s fees, especially when their own DM isn’t contributing. If the DSC has had to be moved out legally due to behaviour/conduct of their DM, it’s the DM who has caused the corresponding issue with school. Not OP. She’s not there to pick up for the failings of DSC’s parents

@CloverRiver can you answer my question about an EHCP please? It's an important factor here as the LA should be paying the fees if he is in a private school with an EHCP in place. You've not explained what you mean by "moderate" autism, but if he has extra support needs above his neurotypical peers and requires a higher staff-to-child ratio than a mainstream state school would allow, then he should have an EHCP.

Whats that got to do with what I said?

How? Private school is a luxury. If the child cannot attend private school any more then the state will provide the child with an education.

Unfortunately this sounds like he will need to move schools.

No. Bursary contracts aren’t like that. They contain clauses for things like annual or key stage reassessment and for improved income. I’ve never seen one that says ‘if you move in with a higher earner then their earnings will contribute towards our bursary calculations immediately.’ In this case it isn’t even that. It is ‘your child was resident ant two address (yours and his mother’s) but now he is unable to see his mother we will assess your girlfriend’s income.’ So they were happy with cohabiting when the boy was resident in two places. Schools are not like the state operating a credit or benefits system. They don’t have the power to drag someone into a contract unilaterally. They are only able to enforce the contract with the original signatories.

This is perfectly true, JadeSquid, but it concerns household expenses and benefits rather than optional luxuries like private schooling

As so many have said, supporting a child is the parents' job, with help from extended family if necessary and available, and that applies even if a new partner marries the parent

I agree, though, that a man with means would most likely be expected to pay up, especially on Mumsnet - though not by me

Could you ask for a face to face meeting with the headteacher/responsible person at the school? I think this needs discussing in person rather than by email.

Benefits are paid by the taxpayer. This is a fundamental difference. The taxpayer should not have to keep paying while a single parent works out if their relationship they moved in voluntarily is going to last. No one needs to move in.

OP don’t let your partner spin this as your fault or your responsibility, especially to SS. Unfortunately your SS has to change schools due to his mum being abusive and not contributing.

It is treated the same when it comes to deciding fees and liability for expenses. Lots of people (mostly women) deal with this standard of means tested assessment every day. Just not in relation to private school and nobody cares and/or thinks it is acceptable.

Only if the EHCP names the school.

Private school is a business. They don’t have to subsidise a child who lives in a household which isn’t in financial difficulties.

I would be happy to have my income assessed. You and your partner, married or not, are a household and therefore your income should be considered as such.

But the financial responsibility is your partner’s and the child’s mother’s. I would not be signing anything. If this arrangement isn’t financially sustainable, it’s better you know now rather than in the middle of GCSEs.

I went to private school my whole life. The school couldn’t even make my own father liable for paying my school fees. My mother struggled on her own to do it. I think you simply need to say no. You dp needs to find the funds or change schools unfortunately.

Would never expect a man, who wasn't the father of a child, to support them financially.

Private schools can choose to "manage out" certain students so just consider whether there might be a political angle here - whether they may be looking for a way to push him out. Especially if the bursary is a large one. They are probably operating at a loss wrt your stepson and they do have power over whether he stays or goes, so tread carefully.

I think it's worth starting a thread elsewhere, maybe on the Secondary Education or step parenting, asking for advice specific to bursaries and a step child. The bursary is highly relevant here and there will be plenty of MNers who knows about them. Schools have a responsibility not to give bursary money to families who can fund the fees in other ways, and in other circumstances such as benefits, it's widely accepted that household money counts in ability to pay.

How big is the bursary - does it cover most of the fees?