To not pay stepchild’s private school fees.

[CloverRiver]

My stepchild is 13 and has 3 years left of secondary school. They’ve been in a nice private school for the past 2 years, funded by my DP and his ex-wife. They benefited from a reduction and discount in fees.

My stepchild recently came to live with us full time, this is ordered by the court and social services and it has been traumatic for him. I’ll avoid details because I don’t want to out myself and to protect their privacy.

My issue: My stepchild’s school has now said that, as my stepchild is living with us full time, they want to assess my income and I need to be a co-signature to his school fees. I do not want to be liable for school fees, potentially thousands a year. If I sign this contract I will be made joint and severely liable, if for whatever reason DP didn’t pay or we split up I’d still be liable for it. I also do not want my accounts being analysed in depth, audited etc. DP and I are not married but we do live together and have done for a number of years.

I have told DP that it’s a firm no but he is now really cross and adamant this will potentially mean his child loses his place at school. The school has sent two emails now saying they want my income details and that they expect me to sign the contract. Before people suggest pulling him out and putting him in state, he has moderate autism, so he really does need and benefit from the school.

I'm with you on this one OP.

I would no way be paying his fees. It's not your responsibility and why should you go into debt.

If your partner is kicking up a fuss about you not paying I would reconsider this relationship.

Is it?

OP, I don’t know whether your DSS will be going to university in the fullness of time, but I would warn you that your finances will impact on how much money he gets. I was a single mother and one reason my DC were not thrilled when I got married was because they knew they would lose their LA bursary. As DH is a thoroughly decent chap, he asked them how much it was, and undertook to pay the difference. I thought then (and still do) that it was an outrage that their own father was required to pay nothing, and their stepfather was the one who ended up paying. OP, if you knew that this was likely to be the situation re DSS, why did you move in together? I totally understand your reasons for not wanting to be involved here. Is your problem with signing the paper that you fear you and DP going your separate ways and your being left liable? Are you prepared to pay for the school fees while you’re together, or do you object to paying it at all? Unfortunately, the person who will lose out here, through no fault of his own, is DSS. It’s up to you and DP how to resolve the situation - and it’s not fair, but unfortunately it seems to be the system.

YABU if your DP is not expecting you to actually pay.

If they're not married then the child is not her stepson

Stand your ground. Do not pay. It is suspicious if you ask me. I wonder if the father gave information to the school in the hopes to get you to help pay for the fees. In any case, just say no. It is not your responsibility. He should understand this. If he leaves you for it, then not your loss. I would never expect someone to pay for my dc school fee's if I was in this situation. If we could not afford it, we would just have to put them in state - that is life. My dc were in state for primary (even though we could have just about afford the private fees for a prep, but we decided it did not make sense). It is a huge commitment and fees go up every year.

As a family, they need to decide if their joint income will be spent on this and I think that is what the school are encouraging to a degree

the school are making sure they have two people to go after the money, nothing else - they've no interest in what the household thinks should happen or not - just how they are going to get the fees if the father defaults

I would urgently look at getting him an EHCP so the LA can pay. If he’s Autistic and needs that school, then they should already be paying.

Marriage doesnt matter. Living together does. It is the same for many assessments.

I am glad you are smart as it would be madness to sign a legally binding contract, making you liable for £26,000! Imagine if you separated and still had to pay it?! That's crazy. I personally wouldn't do it for another child as a girlfriend.

@CloverRiver you would be mad to sign up to this.
On a separate note is the boy receiving disability benefits? That might help towards the fees.

This is the same criteria as student loans which is width considering on the future, they take household income

But they are not quite a family are they? They are not married. They live together, sure. But this type of responsibility should not fall on someone who is not even married to the man.

That's just semantics. They are either a family unit or they aren't. And in ops head clearly they aren't so it sounds like this relationship is done.

I used to work in a school bursary. The school are not being unreasonable, this is a bursary rather than fees per se and it's a means tested reduction, based on household income.

Presuming OP isn't married, The only work round I can suggest is that the OP go to a solicitor and get a formal lodging agreement drawn up and this specifies a reasonable amount that the DP here pays for him and his DS lodgings.

She then also registers a self employment with HMRC to declare this income, the net result is that the DP is just her lodger, has no legal recourse to her income, property etc.

You can of course do such agreements yourself, but having it on a solicitors letterhead will I guarantee give it more gravitas with the school.

Whatever you do OP don't sign any paperwork from the school!

But if these 2 people dont agree to be liable, then the kid doesnt go to the school. So they are forcing them to be on the same page about it.

OP is email the school back stating you are not married to DC's dad and have entirely separate finances. You are not prepared to share your finances with the school or DC Dad or to contribute towards this child's education. You are not their parent. They need to access based on both child's parents incomes. See what they come back with. In meanwhile your DP can decide if he loses the bursary which he probably will if he wishes to pay full fees for his ds or not and can't expect you to make up any shortfall. He could move out if he wished but would be better any better off financially then?

Do you feel the same about guys who move in with a single mum and then are expected to make up any loss in benefits?

Don't budge...the school is chosing to make this problem, and it's for them to resolve with the parents. Is the school struggling financially?
I d go mute now, and let the relevant parties resolve it. I wouldn't even repeat a "no".

Why is his mother not contributing? Is she in prison?

I think you are constantly mixing up the two different aspects of this

one is the joint and severable liability and the other is the household income

the poster is stating in the post about not being responsible for the liability of the school fees - which is different form a household assessment of finances to see the level of the bursery

Surely there's two different things in play here. One is assessing the household income for the bursary and the other is who is liable for fees.
The terms of the bursary are up to the school. If it says household income and he lives in a household with you, then they have the right to assess the income.
However if you do not have PR for the child then they cant force you to become liable for the fees. This seems very strange of them. Certainly my DC when they were in private my EX DP had nothing to do with fees.

Edited o add @DeftWasp provides very good advice here! I'd do exactly this

Sorry you’re in this situation op. My mum’s new partner never officially changed his address until I finished uni because otherwise his income would have been considered when assessing my maintenance grant.

So i don’t know how possible it is and it would be rubbish, but as a PP suggested, could you actually live separately for a bit?

Your DP needs to speak to the school, or get some proper advice.

What is the difference in school fees if he loses the bursary?

What if one of the other parents defaults? Then she would be liable for a lot more.

No way on earth I would agree to this, OP. Which sadly put you and your partner in a very difficult position.