To not pay stepchild’s private school fees.

[CloverRiver]

My stepchild is 13 and has 3 years left of secondary school. They’ve been in a nice private school for the past 2 years, funded by my DP and his ex-wife. They benefited from a reduction and discount in fees.

My stepchild recently came to live with us full time, this is ordered by the court and social services and it has been traumatic for him. I’ll avoid details because I don’t want to out myself and to protect their privacy.

My issue: My stepchild’s school has now said that, as my stepchild is living with us full time, they want to assess my income and I need to be a co-signature to his school fees. I do not want to be liable for school fees, potentially thousands a year. If I sign this contract I will be made joint and severely liable, if for whatever reason DP didn’t pay or we split up I’d still be liable for it. I also do not want my accounts being analysed in depth, audited etc. DP and I are not married but we do live together and have done for a number of years.

I have told DP that it’s a firm no but he is now really cross and adamant this will potentially mean his child loses his place at school. The school has sent two emails now saying they want my income details and that they expect me to sign the contract. Before people suggest pulling him out and putting him in state, he has moderate autism, so he really does need and benefit from the school.

Was your income not needed earlier as part of DPs household income in assessing DS eligibility for the bursary? I can see why they definitely need it now as that is DSs only household now, but I don't see how you would be liable if you split up given that the child's mother is now not liable for any of the fees, you'd be in the same position she is currently in if you split up

I wonder if the finance office has gone into default mode? Child has moved to a new household and mother has disappeared, therefore their script says to evaluate new household.

Your husband needs to contact them along the lines of

Dear Burser,

Previously, DS‘ parents, myself and my ex-wife, have been paying his school fees, with the kind help of a bursary. We have been divorced for many years.

Sadly, due to a tragic situation known to your pastoral team, DS‘ mother has had to be estranged from DS, and is not able to take any financial responsibility for him. I, as the only person who still has parental responsibility for him, was hoping to make up as much of the shortfall in his fees as possible. I will not be able to do this without continuing financial support.

I am grateful to my partner for her willingness to share our home with DS, and her day to day support of his needs.

However, as she has no parental responsibility for him and we are unmarried, it would be inappropriate for her to be liable for his mother’s share of the fees.

I am happy as his father to have my income assessed in this new situation and hope we can find a solution in this unusual, tragic case which has already severely impacted my son.

OP- your partner has to go into school and discuss. He sounds irrational and emotional before he's even had a conversation with the Head.

The letter you received said they will 'consider' the financial situation but your partner has jumped to the conclusion that they will not be fair or consider each case on its own merits.

It's HIS problem. It's his marriage that ended, his child, he's living in your home as is his child.

And it's YOU who's on a chat forum asking for advice.

Is he asking for advice? Talking to his bank? His parents (if he as any) and considering ways of finding the money?

This is fraud. Since the value of the bursary likely runs into tens of thousands of pounds, it’s at a ‘Crown Court and jail’ level.

If you think they won’t be caught, that’s what every woman prosecuted for benefit fraud for secretly living with a partner (which happens all the time) thought.

Of course not! Fraud is only acceptable when it comes to allowing the privileged to access more privilege. Not the poor to access a basic standard of living.

A dc you aren't even related to? Obviously not.

How do you know all of this? ie length of time since he divorced, etc etc?

Does the child have an EHCP? I know someone attending a private secondary that they accessed through EHCP at no cost

There is no way in hell I would co-sign your DP’s son’s school fees. If your DP can’t understand why and is putting pressure on you to do so, I would rethink the relationship. Does he just see you s a cash cow? If your DP’s child loses his bursary and has to leave the school that will be because your DP can’t afford his school fees, nothing to do with you.

As for anyone on here giving it the “poor child, lost his mum and now losing his school”, that’s actually not your problem. It’s not your fault your DP chose a shit mum for his son.

And the child is your DP’s son, not your SS as you are not married. If you do leave this man over this take it as a reminder not to get involved with men with children. It’s honestly not worth the headache.

I can fully understand and would feel the same as you.

The point some posters are making is that if you moved out your step child might be eligible for the bursaries. Would you be prepared to do that?

The fact that your dp is annoyed with you that you won't do this for his child and is refusing to see things from your perspective despite the fact you've been supportive in every other way, would make me reevaluate the relationship anyway.

Lol at thinking that a letter explaining that you shouldn't be held to the same rules as everyone else will suffice. Just the idea that one could be able to politely decline is hilarious.

@CloverRiver

You say that the child has been in private school "for the past 2 years, funded by my DP and his ex-wife"

From this alone, should we surmise that your relationship with your partner is relatively new and that your partner moved into your home?

Subsequently, the child has also come to live with you both in your home.

Although the Mum has no physical contact with her son, why does she no longer have any financial obligation to his fees?

Surely, it was she and your partner who signed the contract with the school originally?

The child has a Mum, Dad and possibly four grandparents who should be the first port of call.

You are not, in the least, unreasonable by not wanting to be held jointly and severally liable for those fees.

Your partner is completely audacious expecting you to fund his child's education.

His expectation that you should pay and your totally valid reluctance, sadly, does not bode well for your relationship, I should think though.

It must be disappointing, for you, that he presumed you'd happily stump up.

I think the best thing for you to do is to live apart from your partner. At this point in time, you living together will negatively impact either you or the child in this scenario.
I won’t sigh such either, why would I be liable to pay thousands I didn’t make a decision to take on, like never. However, as this decision will negatively impact the child then you need to separate households for both of their sakes.

Yes the school can do this. It’s household income and they’ll argue money is fungible. You can ask for a meeting with the head certainly since it’s unusual circumstances. But I think we can establish that there is not an easy route for him to stay at the school without the bursary being reviewed and that that process will include your income.

The only way to exclude your income is for one of you to move out. For this sort of thing it’s cohabitation that’s key not legal marriage (otherwise it would be a massive loophole).

I would very seriously consider the negative implications of pulling him out from the circumstances described.

Of course, quite right.

This

Considering they're not even married and that OP has no parental responsibility for the child (who's not a stepson) I can't believe this is even being suggested

Doubtless the DP thinks it would be "nice" if OP helped, but if her money means more to him than showing any respect he'd better findd someone else to subsidise his child - and good luck with that

It’s my understanding from the thread. And the sort of arguments they‘ll have to bring. OP will have to alter anything that doesn’t fit.

Goodness knows what really happened. But OP has said it’s traumatised DS and led to him losing contact with his mother.

No way. You are not married. It is not your responsibility. Tell the school no f'ing way.

That's way too much money to take liability for.

Fair enough for the bursary award, that is normally based on household income.

I agree although there is the possibility his mum is in psychiatric care (even residential ) or prison and not earning.

I'd seriously consider my future with a man who was so entitled and angry, and thought I should step up and pay school fees when we weren't even married.

Maybe forget the fees issue OP and focus on whether this man is someone who's a keeper. I'd not have him!

Can your partner and his child move out - even temporarily? If it seems like the relationship isn't stable surely they won't ask for your commitment?

I don' think it is the fees that are the problem, it is the discount / bursary. OP could be a multimillionaire or could be a SAHM the school needs this if they are offering a discount because of income.

OP Can you and your partner afford the full fees? If so tell them that is what is happening, DH will pay full fees.

I expect it’s just a typo OP, but the expression is ‘severally’ liable, not ‘severely’.

OP is NOT the kids step parent.