To not pay stepchild’s private school fees.

[CloverRiver]

My stepchild is 13 and has 3 years left of secondary school. They’ve been in a nice private school for the past 2 years, funded by my DP and his ex-wife. They benefited from a reduction and discount in fees.

My stepchild recently came to live with us full time, this is ordered by the court and social services and it has been traumatic for him. I’ll avoid details because I don’t want to out myself and to protect their privacy.

My issue: My stepchild’s school has now said that, as my stepchild is living with us full time, they want to assess my income and I need to be a co-signature to his school fees. I do not want to be liable for school fees, potentially thousands a year. If I sign this contract I will be made joint and severely liable, if for whatever reason DP didn’t pay or we split up I’d still be liable for it. I also do not want my accounts being analysed in depth, audited etc. DP and I are not married but we do live together and have done for a number of years.

I have told DP that it’s a firm no but he is now really cross and adamant this will potentially mean his child loses his place at school. The school has sent two emails now saying they want my income details and that they expect me to sign the contract. Before people suggest pulling him out and putting him in state, he has moderate autism, so he really does need and benefit from the school.

They’re going to tell her that without her information the bursary will be withdrawn. The school has no obligation to give the bursary at all. They can simply withdraw it and leave the father liable for the fees. OP can certainly refuse to sign any contract obligating her to pay them, but that’s all the power she has.

private schools are in the business of collecting fees. They’re not going to change their policies because of a letter. Everyone would try it. The options here really are going to amount to pay up or withdraw, unless there is the possibility of LA funding.

But the school fees are particularly set by household income and are a huge expense. So huge that whoever pays for it, the other adult(s) in the house will likely have to put more into other financial demands to offset what the parent is paying in school fees. They need the approval of everyone who will be a part of that and for them to agree to get the fees paid come hell or high water.

Your partner needs to talk to the school and explain your position. Presumably they are aware of the situation with the child’s mother. If they withdraw the bursary under these circumstances, making a traumatised child leave, then they’re not much of a school.

She may be dead.

If the school is invaluable because it meets the needs of your partners autistic son then he should be prioritising it above everything else.
If i was in his shoes I would move out with my son if that was the only option available to me to keep my son in that school.

Maybe suggest that to him.

I wouldn't agree to signing that contract either. Something that would leave me liable for the lot even if we split up? No way.

Could you see if the la would fund it by naming it on the child's ehcp?

I think it's interesting case. If you were a billionaire (maybe you are!) It would surely be ridiculous that your partner's son would receive a hardship bursary, while living in a mansion and going skiing in Gstaad twice a year. Equally, if your partner is on his uppers financially and moves in with you (the billionaire), it wouldn't be unreasonable to make the assumption that the household expenses were subsidised by you.

There are limited bursaries for hardship available and they want to make sure that they are given to children with genuine need.

Equally, he's not your child or your responsibility and I can absolutely see why you don't want to be held jointly and severally (not severely - unless things have gone seriously wrong 🤣) responsible for the fees. If it was me, I would agree to the assessment of the household income but would absolutely refuse to be held responsible for the fees. Whether you contribute should be a private matter between you and the child's father

If he can’t afford the reduced fees whilst living with OP, he probably can’t afford them whilst living alone either.

Yes, perhaps he could declare himself homeless and be in hostels for a while then get a council flat, but that’d arguably be more traumatic for his son than changing schools.

It’s pretty standard of them to assess the household, married or not. I wouldn’t sign it either. Your partner needs to start looking at other schools.

A lot of people keep suggesting moving out but I think that OP and some others may feel that she is entitled to a live-in relationship with this man without the added burden of this financial obligation. The way some people are talking about this is as if the OP has a right to be angry at her partner if this situation leads their relationship to becoming untenable or even just readjusted so they live apart. Like he's let her down.

They’re going to tell her that without her information the bursary will be withdrawn. The school has no obligation to give the bursary at all

This is fair, but what isn't is that OP should be expected to subsidise a child with whose father she doesn't have any formal relationship

And as said, if that doesn't suit the "DP" then he can find someone else's money to spend, if anyone will have him when they find out that's what he's after

He has let her down by expecting her to pay. Unfortunately SS will have to change schools. It’s not ideal but plenty of kids are in state schools who’d be better off private… But their parents, like OP’s DP, can’t afford it.

It's not that - but if the man wants to prioritise his child, as he should, he may have to live separately until school is finished. There's no moral judgement here but nobody is 'entitled' to live with anyone apart from the children in the family!

They live together! How is that not a formal relationship?!

I can’t be the only one confused about whether you ARE a stepmother, and in this situation, it makes the entire difference.

IF you are married to his father: then yes, they are going to probably consider your joint income as the “household income” and this will affect the bursary.

IF you are NOT married: Scream it from the rooftops in every email they send you. You are NOT married to the child’s father, you do NOT have legal responsibility for the child. When it comes to this child and school fees, you are as liable as a random lodger his father has, which is not at all. Point it out to them in very legal language, and even contact a solicitor if you need to - if you care about this child, and it sounds like you do, it’s very important for his autism to keep him in school, and making it clear that you have no legal responsibility for him WILL do this, hopefully.

I admit, I have a question. If you’re not married to the child’s father and have no parental responsibility then… the school shouldn’t give you any information about the child? If you were to ask them about the child, they’d cite GDPR I assume, since legally, you’re a stranger. Yet they want you to pay school fees? Tell them it doesn’t add up.

IF you do happen to be married to the father, this is how it works (household income, etc.). I have friends who were absolutely slaughtered in their uni fees because they had a stepparent whose income was taken into account, but who refused to pay.

The best thing you can do is not marry his father until he is out of university (if he wants to go).

OP - in the UK the usual reason for a private school to ask to assess parental income is when the parents are seeking a means based discount or bursary.

I would state to the school that you are not a parent nor a spouse, so your income and person are therefore irrelevant to the negotiations. Your DP will declare the cost of living with you in his own part of the assessment.

Have you spoken to the school directly or is this coming via your DP?

Yes he may have to. I suspect that the OP and some posters here would find that more unacceptable than he might. The fact that he has essentially pulled back on their relationship to accommodate the needs of his son. I think the OP would be more likely to end it with him for that move than he would be to end it with her.

Pretty unlikely, considering the OP says His mother doesn’t provide any financial support and she isn’t allowed any contact with him.

It's really not confusing. We live in 2025. If you live with a partner in a couple then you're financially considered to be a unit for anything where discounts or entitlements are concerned. She's a step parent in that sense. Marriage is not required.

Benefits are to be able to pay for food and bills so you can live. Private school is a luxury so I don't think you can compare. If he can't afford private education then the state will provide education for the child.

This is exactly the point I would be reiterating to the school. You have no legal responsibilities to this child and are not married to the child’s father. As other posters have said, if you were not girlfriend but were a friend or sister or whatever living with him they wouldn’t be asking and so to insist that you do this is ridiculous.

Universities assess based on household income, including non-married partners of parents. If they have a legal basis to do so, I can’t imagine the private school is any different.

‘Joint and severally’ means each signatory is legally responsible for all the fees.

Something to bear in mind when signing for a child’s university house share - a lot of landlords try and put this in and it means if 4 out of 5 sharers default and either have no money or cannot be traced, the 5th (and their parent guarantor) can be held liable for the lot.

Because there's nothing tying OP - or the DP come to that - to the situation legally

Obviously people leave marriages too, but at least those formalise a set of responsibilities, and the only responsibility here seemss to be being loaded on OP

Agree.
My children will always come first and in this situation I would leave my DP rather than see my child lose his school place