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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think gentle parenting has made some kids unbearable to be around?

619 replies

KindButFirmFox · 05/11/2025 16:58

Boundaries aren’t oppression.
Sometimes “gentle” just looks like “ineffective”.

AIBU to think balance has been lost between empathy and discipline?

OP posts:
Barnbrack · 05/11/2025 17:55

Thequeenandthesoldier · 05/11/2025 17:39

Sorry to jump in @Barnbrack , but those alternative solutions sounds tedious ineffective lengthy and dreary. awful

What is everyone else meant to do, other than smiling with a rictus grin whilst you coax him into returning teddy discuss the relative benefits and otherwise of using a dustbin and brush, apologising to own DC and put shoes on?

Focus of the day is on your gentle parented child and associated bad behaviour.

I would encourage my DC to drop that friendship I think

There's no coaxing, he gets one chance to hand back or I take it back. Takes 5seconds

Barnbrack · 05/11/2025 17:57

Tontostitis · 05/11/2025 17:46

Gentle parenting IS the problem. It cannot be implemented correctly because children need, and thrive, on good boundaries. Gentle parenting requires everyone around the child to be flexible with their boundaries whilst the child supposedly learns this is not practical or realistic and the sooner the proponents admit it's just shut parenting whilst trying to be the nice person at all times the better.

Nope. Gentle parenting requires holding boundaries. Flexibility is not what you want.

Endofyear · 05/11/2025 17:57

YABU because gentle parenting doesn't mean not having boundaries.

ThatsCute · 05/11/2025 17:58

Yes. My DN refuses to eat anything we have when we get together as a family, so my SIL brings along a pizza to pop in the oven for DN’s meal.

DN is always first in the queue for the family dessert—they will join in there. Funny that.

Barnbrack · 05/11/2025 17:59

Thequeenandthesoldier · 05/11/2025 17:39

Sorry to jump in @Barnbrack , but those alternative solutions sounds tedious ineffective lengthy and dreary. awful

What is everyone else meant to do, other than smiling with a rictus grin whilst you coax him into returning teddy discuss the relative benefits and otherwise of using a dustbin and brush, apologising to own DC and put shoes on?

Focus of the day is on your gentle parented child and associated bad behaviour.

I would encourage my DC to drop that friendship I think

Well within your rights to drop a friendship.

The thing with gentle parenting is holding boundaries like this reduces bad behaviour over time. So at 3 my son would have snatched as detailed and dealt with as detailed while at 7 is be genuinely shocked if he snatched. He's more likely to be the child mortified at being snatched from.

How do you manage similar scenarios?

Dideon · 05/11/2025 18:00

I watched a couple asking their child to keep walking for 20 minutes the other day . In the rain
!!
My child would have been carried under my arm and it wouldn’t concern me what way he was facing .

childofthe607080s · 05/11/2025 18:01

Gentle parenting has been taken by many / nearly all to really mean permissive parenting

my guess is it only works for a subset of children at best

devildeepbluesea · 05/11/2025 18:01

QuaintSwan · 05/11/2025 17:06

You are conflating gentle parenting with permissive parenting. Gentle parenting includes boundaries, expectations and clear consequences. It doesn't include hitting, shouting or unconnected punishment.

The trouble is, 90% of gentle parenters also don’t know the difference.

TheignT · 05/11/2025 18:04

JudgeBread · 05/11/2025 17:06

As is always eventually said on this thread when it's posted roughly every week, gentle parenting isn't the problem. It's that a lot of people don't know the difference between gentle parenting and permissive parenting. Permissive parenting is the problem.

*I say this as someone who would use neither

Edited

Totally agree.

Daisymae55 · 05/11/2025 18:10

DH and I took DD to the park a few weeks ago. A cute cat wondered in. Most children gave it a nice stroke and went on playing. One 3 year old boy was being very rough with the cat and eventually hit it. The mum just half heartedly called “gentle” from across the playground. He just carried on.

No way I’d just sit there and let my daughter hurt an animal.

AutumnnotFall · 05/11/2025 18:12

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 05/11/2025 17:12

I think actual, real gentle parenting (not the permissive thing) doesn't work for all children, and that parents who are trying to gently parent children who don't want to be gently parented and would be much better with some very firm boundaries are doing the wrong thing.

I had five kids. Only one of them would have been possible to gently parent. The rest would have been feral little furniture throwing buggers. And you can't parent one one way and the rest another way, so they were all parented quite firmly.

I don't agree with this actually. I have to parent both of mine differently, one ia NT, and the other AuADHD. It would be complete mayhem if I didn't, and what works for one does not work for the other. They both know right from wrong, and have boundaries. I think it is too easy for ignorant people to judge a snapshot of somebody's day, with no clue about their situation.
And yes some parents don't parent and their NT kids are ferel, I agree with that part.

Neurodiversitydoctor · 05/11/2025 18:13

Annoyeddd · 05/11/2025 17:25

It sounds like everyone is saying I gentle parent my children you permissive parent/ spoil your kids

I didn't DS was (is) a clever, tenacious and determined child. He needed clear bounderies and firm enforcement of those bounderies (many older women including MIL regularly told me he needed spanking). Gentle persuasion was compltely ineffectual, the only things that ever worked for him were tangible rewards and significant consequences. We also had to be absolutely consistent any deviation and he'd drive a truck through it. Hard work and as PP said not especially fair on his much calmer and amenable sister but thems the breaks. IME the wheels really come off with permissive parenting in the teenage years.

CountFucula · 05/11/2025 18:13

I see the most damage when a parent always centres their child. Child gets hurt - child is centred. Child hurts others - child is centred. Child has hurt feelings - child is centred. Child hurts someone’s feelings - child is centred.
makes them un-fucking bearable at school.

PinkBobby · 05/11/2025 18:15

I think there’ll be plenty of people here to defend actual gentle parenting which isn’t letting your kids run around with zero boundaries, consequences or care or concern for others.

Permissive parenting is an issue but I have some empathy for these parents too: I think lots of parents get very little time with their kids and, when they are with them, don’t want to spend the whole time battling (which can be what’s necessary sometimes to be consistent). Maybe that’s in the afternoon/evening when kids are tired, maybe that’s on a holiday or out at the weekend when they’re in unfamiliar settings (restaurants). I think there’s elements of guilt, pressure to have SM worthy family time, and a whole load of trying to do the right thing. People seem generally burnt out at the moment with work, parenting, finances etc. It’s a lot of stress and there doesn’t seem to be any genuine help for parents day-to-day.

I also think a lot of parenting tips on SM give people too little context for how certain approaches should be used. people watch 30secs of great advice but don’t get the extra info on what else needs to be in place for it to work.

And, of course, there’s a bunch of parents who literally don’t give two hoots about their kids’ actions (as has always been the case) and will let them do what they want, when they want.

I think a lot of parents are really trying their best though, they just don’t have the capacity or time to do the very hard job of parenting. And because parenting through fear (shouting/hitting) isn’t acceptable anymore, there appears to be more challenging behaviour.

Chickoletta · 05/11/2025 18:15

I’m a teacher and we were discussing this in the staffroom the other day. Yes. And our jobs have been made so much more difficult as we teach children who have never encountered boundaries.

HildegardP · 05/11/2025 18:15

There's the square root of naff-all solid research to support "gentle parenting".
The distinction between "gentle parenting" & "permissive parenting" is merely an irregular verb; "I gentle parent, they parent permissively".

Tiswa · 05/11/2025 18:18

devildeepbluesea · 05/11/2025 18:01

The trouble is, 90% of gentle parenters also don’t know the difference.

Then they aren’t following the ethos of gentle parenting are they?

also I disagree about having to parent all children the same. It is exactly that which can cause issues, parenting should be adapted around the differences of children as well

WalkDontWalk · 05/11/2025 18:19

KindButFirmFox · 05/11/2025 16:58

Boundaries aren’t oppression.
Sometimes “gentle” just looks like “ineffective”.

AIBU to think balance has been lost between empathy and discipline?

How do you explain ill-behaved children in previous decades? I mean, throughout human history? Or even just the twentieth-century?

Brainstorm23 · 05/11/2025 18:19

I think despite what people say parenting these days is much better than it used to be.

My mum would beat me black and blue with a length of plumbers pipe so you'll forgive me if I really can't get worked up by some of the examples here of gentle /permissive parenting. It's left with me with depression and severe anxiety and I'll be dealing with it for the rest of my life.

For what it's worth i'm not a gentle / permissive parent but I've always treated my daughter like an actual human being with thoughts and feelings of her own from a very young age and it's done her no harm. We don't allow her to be a tablet zombie and if we go to a restaurant we sit and talk and always have.

Thequeenandthesoldier · 05/11/2025 18:19

Barnbrack · 05/11/2025 17:59

Well within your rights to drop a friendship.

The thing with gentle parenting is holding boundaries like this reduces bad behaviour over time. So at 3 my son would have snatched as detailed and dealt with as detailed while at 7 is be genuinely shocked if he snatched. He's more likely to be the child mortified at being snatched from.

How do you manage similar scenarios?

You are correct, it says that YOU would return the teddy and deal with fallout from the child . Apologies for misreading

All of that said...I dont want you comforting my child, that's my job not yours. And the crumbs and shoe gate seem phenomenally being for t everyone else.

As to whether I would handle ...hmm... unsure. Like another poster I have 5 children and they are just so different. 4 would respond appropriately and immediately to my instructions... the fifth was unbelievably hard work. Tbh would probably have tossed you the teddy bear, promises to come round with my carpet cleaner and clipped her into her car seat as my tyres squealed away

Parenting is not an exact science I whole heartedly agree. But they are never too young to be considerate of others and avoiding being selfish (I'm 42 and and still working on that one!)

Simonjt · 05/11/2025 18:21

Chickoletta · 05/11/2025 18:15

I’m a teacher and we were discussing this in the staffroom the other day. Yes. And our jobs have been made so much more difficult as we teach children who have never encountered boundaries.

So again, not gentle parenting.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 05/11/2025 18:21

QuaintSwan · 05/11/2025 17:06

You are conflating gentle parenting with permissive parenting. Gentle parenting includes boundaries, expectations and clear consequences. It doesn't include hitting, shouting or unconnected punishment.

This … so many people say they parent gentle but actually they are permissive parents. Parenting is a verb a doing word and I see so many parents infantile their kids then wonder why they have no manners!

Simonjt · 05/11/2025 18:22

HildegardP · 05/11/2025 18:15

There's the square root of naff-all solid research to support "gentle parenting".
The distinction between "gentle parenting" & "permissive parenting" is merely an irregular verb; "I gentle parent, they parent permissively".

Actually a lot of research shows that clear and consistent boundaries is good for children and can make them feel more secure.

FullBl00m · 05/11/2025 18:22

I’ve voted u reasonable because you’ve confused gentle parenting with permissive parenting. Though admittedly I suspect a lot of people who think they’re gentle parenting are actually practicing permissive parenting.

permissive parenting produces children you don’t want to be around!

AlltheHedgehogsontheWall · 05/11/2025 18:23

It's all very well saying that it's not gentle parenting it's permissive parenting, but gentle parenting is actually really hard to the point of almost impossible if you have two parents working full time.

I don't agree with many of the key the tenets of gentle parenting, but even if I did, it requires seemingly endless supplies of time and patience which I don't possess. The vast majority of parents who do want to gentle parent don't either, and are either going to end up snapping and shouting, or give up on the boundary and give the child whatever they want.

Every parent I've met who classes themselves as a "gentle parent" in real life has been stressed and unhappy and their children have been feral. Not because gentle parenting isn't a good idea in theory, but because almost no-one can actually do it in practise.

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