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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think gentle parenting has made some kids unbearable to be around?

619 replies

KindButFirmFox · 05/11/2025 16:58

Boundaries aren’t oppression.
Sometimes “gentle” just looks like “ineffective”.

AIBU to think balance has been lost between empathy and discipline?

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 06/11/2025 20:34

This is utterly nuts
If this is true, and I am on the fence on whether I want it to be or really don't want it to be.
But either way.

@Horsie you are not a parent, you are, at best, an owner. But you're not a parent.

Rescuedogblues · 06/11/2025 20:36

ohwoaw · 06/11/2025 19:26

It tends to be favoured by lazy/weak parents

Bullshit. Gentle/theraputic parenting takes a lot of input if youre doing it right.

Horsie · 06/11/2025 20:40

frozendaisy · 06/11/2025 20:34

This is utterly nuts
If this is true, and I am on the fence on whether I want it to be or really don't want it to be.
But either way.

@Horsie you are not a parent, you are, at best, an owner. But you're not a parent.

Sorry, what's nuts?

Yes, I know I'm not really a parent, thanks. It was a joke about being the parent of a robot-dog.

ETA: If you're talking about the A.I. capabilities of the dog, it's only as nuts as the rest of A.I. That's where we are now with A.I. An artificial mind is reality. It's not real, and it's not an object. It's something in between - A.I. intelligence.

EngineerIngHappiness · 06/11/2025 20:46

coldiris · 05/11/2025 17:05

Sometimes when I ask myself that question, I wonder whether it's me getting old or the times have changed. It's not just gentle parenting. A lot of things seem to have changed recently. For example, my sister has one daughter and sometimes I am under the impression that she wants to plan every second of her day every day. She just won't let her be bored even one day a week. She always has to be doing something. I honestly don't remember our parents being like that.

I am also finding that teachers these days are just afraid to do or say anything, and I understand them: it's either political correctness, rules or regulations or something else.. God forbid anyone gets offended, traumatised or upset. It's like you can't put your foot right anymore. And it isn't just with children. Sometimes it kind of feels like that at work too. It's as if we are living in a world of snowflakes.

I don't know if we just weren't aware of the issues or potential issues that existed before or the world really has changed.

I know what you mean. I did something without checking with someone else today. I mean honestly it was such a minor thing. I do think a good person has no problem apologising - fine. All good they raised it and all that. But I'm also not a fucking mind reader love 😂

Barnbrack · 06/11/2025 21:05

Horsie · 06/11/2025 20:31

But it's true. Genetic code. Our entire bodies work via genetic coding. That's why science is trying to edit the code - to take out all the genetic code errors that cause illness. Look up CRISPR.

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I have a biological sciences background and your oversimplification is just bizarre.

Horsie · 06/11/2025 21:06

frozendaisy · 06/11/2025 19:39

It's how you see your children as they grow as your babies.

If one of our children had keyed a car, would be worse if it wasn't ours.

We would work out the damage and pay for that and then take away, until at least it was paid back, everything the child loved. Football team, online gaming, ice cream, a birthday party. They would effectively be under house arrest.

There would be early boring bedtimes, no time with friends, no desserts, the punishments would be endless, the lectures, the conversations. We would take everything they loved away.

But I wouldn't hit them.

What would you do? Would you just hit them? And then get back to normal?

Because for some they would take the hit and think, yeah moment of pain but not enough to make me stop.

A four year old keying a car is very different to a 10 year old keying a car which is different again to a 15 year old keying a car.

And no car is worth either of our children, it's just a car. Our children are human beings with complex brains, there might be an underlying anger that meant they only felt they could get attention if they did something outrageous. It's possible. There could be something going on in their brains that they had hidden and yes whilst expensive to sort out and embarrassing and anger producing, perhaps keying a car was the calling car you needed to see before they ended up in a despair of which there was no coming back from.

So yes keying a car would be extreme, but it wouldn't be so black and white as to hitting and them job done, punishment handed out, don't do that again.

This is just a summary of a thought process we could go through if our children had done something like that. Does that explain things a little?

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Sorry, missed this. Yes, thank you.

Barnbrack · 06/11/2025 21:06

Horsie · 06/11/2025 20:40

Sorry, what's nuts?

Yes, I know I'm not really a parent, thanks. It was a joke about being the parent of a robot-dog.

ETA: If you're talking about the A.I. capabilities of the dog, it's only as nuts as the rest of A.I. That's where we are now with A.I. An artificial mind is reality. It's not real, and it's not an object. It's something in between - A.I. intelligence.

Edited
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The fundamental lack of understanding in this mindset is mind boggling. What level of education do you have?

Horsie · 06/11/2025 21:07

Chillithai · 06/11/2025 19:23

Sure you are

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What do you mean by this spiteful comment?

Horsie · 06/11/2025 21:08

Barnbrack · 06/11/2025 21:06

The fundamental lack of understanding in this mindset is mind boggling. What level of education do you have?

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I failed all my GCSEs and am barely literate.

What are you talking about - mindset? I said some facts about A.I. That's not a mindset.

You don't own an A.I. robot who employs deep learning and augmented reality. You don't know what that's like. So who are you to pronounce on it?

Barnbrack · 06/11/2025 21:10

Horsie · 06/11/2025 21:08

I failed all my GCSEs and am barely literate.

What are you talking about - mindset? I said some facts about A.I. That's not a mindset.

You don't own an A.I. robot who employs deep learning and augmented reality. You don't know what that's like. So who are you to pronounce on it?

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Well that makes sense

Horsie · 06/11/2025 21:12

Barnbrack · 06/11/2025 21:10

Well that makes sense

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I can hardly string a sentence together after failing my education. Grammar, punctuation, spelling - all over the shop.

ETA: I can barely speak either, I'm so dense. As for making sure I get the right change, forget it. Who said 1 plus 1 makes 2, anyway? Perhaps there's a hidden quality and it actually makes 3!

That's me. Thick as mince. 😂

Horsie · 06/11/2025 21:18

Barnbrack · 06/11/2025 21:05

I have a biological sciences background and your oversimplification is just bizarre.

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Well, I'm not writing a biology paper here. Of course it's a simplification. Or are you saying that we do NOT have genetic code written into all of our cells?

Tintackedsea · 06/11/2025 21:19

I think I believe in gentle parenting in the sense of not yelling and shouting and being an utter rocket but my own children definitely get told no. In fact lots more no here than other parents I know. But it’s in combination with lots of chatting and games and spending time together.

Lazy parents are lazy parents no matter what they call it.

Barnbrack · 06/11/2025 21:20

Horsie · 06/11/2025 21:18

Well, I'm not writing a biology paper here. Of course it's a simplification. Or are you saying that we do NOT have genetic code written into all of our cells?

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I'm saying comparing it to computer code is ridiculous oversimplification and I'm trying ow ork out if you're capable of understanding that

Barnbrack · 06/11/2025 21:21

Horsie · 06/11/2025 21:12

I can hardly string a sentence together after failing my education. Grammar, punctuation, spelling - all over the shop.

ETA: I can barely speak either, I'm so dense. As for making sure I get the right change, forget it. Who said 1 plus 1 makes 2, anyway? Perhaps there's a hidden quality and it actually makes 3!

That's me. Thick as mince. 😂

Edited
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See you're being sarcastic but it doesn't sound any MORE unlikely than any of your other posts

Neurodiversitydoctor · 06/11/2025 22:25

Letsgetmilky · 06/11/2025 15:01

How did you handle teens? When he wanted to be independent more? Curfews? @Neurodiversitydoctor

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I have described it up thread. But we had contracts of behaviour, clear expectations, no screens in bedrooms untill after GCSEs. No screens after school until homework was completed. Yes they had curfews untill the end of year 11. I should also say that DS was 15 going in to lockdown and 17 when it lifted so I think Boris Johnson did much of the firm boundaries for us.

Chillithai · 07/11/2025 05:51

Woah…. Just read the robot dog posts from the pro smaker. Explains a lot!

No words. Just 😆 😆 🤖 🐶

Chillithai · 07/11/2025 05:52

Neurodiversitydoctor · 06/11/2025 22:25

I have described it up thread. But we had contracts of behaviour, clear expectations, no screens in bedrooms untill after GCSEs. No screens after school until homework was completed. Yes they had curfews untill the end of year 11. I should also say that DS was 15 going in to lockdown and 17 when it lifted so I think Boris Johnson did much of the firm boundaries for us.

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What happened in sixth form? You went from all that to….? @Neurodiversitydoctor

Neurodiversitydoctor · 07/11/2025 06:25

By sixth form they were trusted. We still had reasonable expectations.

  1. No nights out Mon- Thurs
  2. Room kept in reasonable state defined as being hooverable once a week
  3. Each had house hold chores: DS bins and hoovering, Dd children's bathroom ( cleaner left after Covid)
  4. To let us know if not coming home by a reasonable time ( 10pm).
  5. Clear plan for getting home ( with a caveat we would come and get them if needed)

In return for this they got a generous allowance, lifts home from parties (+ mates) most weekends, driving lessons( both) riding lessons ( Dd) lift to and from football twice weekly (DS). Ih and we allowed boy friend/ girl friend sleep overs at the weekend in Sixth form.

Seemed fair to us and them. They are now 19 & 21 they are doing well.

Grotcof · 07/11/2025 08:45

Neurodiversitydoctor · 07/11/2025 06:25

By sixth form they were trusted. We still had reasonable expectations.

  1. No nights out Mon- Thurs
  2. Room kept in reasonable state defined as being hooverable once a week
  3. Each had house hold chores: DS bins and hoovering, Dd children's bathroom ( cleaner left after Covid)
  4. To let us know if not coming home by a reasonable time ( 10pm).
  5. Clear plan for getting home ( with a caveat we would come and get them if needed)

In return for this they got a generous allowance, lifts home from parties (+ mates) most weekends, driving lessons( both) riding lessons ( Dd) lift to and from football twice weekly (DS). Ih and we allowed boy friend/ girl friend sleep overs at the weekend in Sixth form.

Seemed fair to us and them. They are now 19 & 21 they are doing well.

So a curfew of sorts on Monday to Thursday ie you can’t go out full stop!

Grotcof · 07/11/2025 09:45

So the childfree poster in favour of smacking for “wilful” children in “extreme circumstances” @Horsie has now changed her mind because she has realised she couldn’t smack her robot dog.

Or did I dream that?

WhatNoRaisins · 07/11/2025 10:31

Honestly I got a bit lost when people started talking about robot dogs. I'm out.

Neurodiversitydoctor · 07/11/2025 10:32

Don't be ridiculous of course they could go out, round to a friend's or to football pratice or whatever. No parties or pubs Mon-Thurs I think that is perfectly normal rule. Do your 16yos go clubbing on a monday night ?

Grotcof · 07/11/2025 10:35

Neurodiversitydoctor · 07/11/2025 10:32

Don't be ridiculous of course they could go out, round to a friend's or to football pratice or whatever. No parties or pubs Mon-Thurs I think that is perfectly normal rule. Do your 16yos go clubbing on a monday night ?

And what time would you want them back from friend’s house on a Monday-Thursday?

TheNameBig · 07/11/2025 10:35

As Indians there's no gentle parenting in this household.

Quite often I find people in the UK don't instil discipline from a young age.

No focus on academics. Drinking, smoking, sleeping around and all that stuff isn't seen as bad but is seen as "normal things we all did".