Hen party drama

[Horsingabout2]

My two best friends are in charge of my hen weekend. I’ve given them free rein within a couple of paramaters (including not to exceed a certain cost so as many people as possible can make it given it’s quite close to Christmas).

I am not in the WA group but I know they were putting the itinerary in there earlier. One of my friends has called me to say one of the attendees (my cousin) has kicked up a fuss about one of the meals being a butlers in the buff style evening. Said they won’t go on the weekend if that’s the plan. No one else has said they’ve an issue.

My cousin hasn’t contacted me directly. I don’t want my friends to have to rearrange things given the efforts they’ve gone to in order to arrange. AIBU to say that if she wants to be stubborn and not attend, that says more about her and how highly she must regard me?

it is different. This naked man isn’t at risk of being raped and he probably wasn’t trafficked. It’s ‘funny’ rather than sexual. He won’t be harmed at all.

🤣 I’m definitely no pearl clutcher! but there are a myriad of reasons someone could be uncomfortable in this situation and allowing them to gracefully bow out without drama is the obvious thing to do.

@NormasArsei agree everyone should ‘do’ what they feel comfortable with but some pp have been nasty calling ops friends classless and unethical, it’s silly

Why does disliking this sort of event mean that your cousin must hold you in low regard?

So you'd be quite happy for your future husband to have strippers/lapdancers for his Stag do?

Sounds absolutely dire. I expect a few more folk will find an excuse not to come.

Nah. Sounds absolutely shite and completely tacky.

Stop pearl clutching at other women being allowed to make their own choices and have different standards to you.

God that sounds awful. I'm with your cousin here.

Yes, the same as some men like a bit of eye candy in strip clubs at stag dos. And that is fine isn’t it?

Hen night, Prosecco fuelled ‘games’ led by a semi naked bloke is my idea of hell.

I don’t knit and I don’t like cake.

Everyone has different ideas about what’s fun and what’s acceptable, but being part of a privileged group doesn’t automatically make it classy. Of course, everyone is entitled to their opinion and if you feel that butlers in the buff are classy, that’s fine, but that has to be a judgement based on the nature of the event itself, not the socioeconomic status of the attendees.

Also, pearl clutching is used to describe people expressing regressive views, not progressive ones like questioning sexual objectification.

So what? You don't have to be working-class and work in Aldi to have the morals of an alley cat. In fact, recent news indicates that the reverse is true, and the higher the privilege the looser the elastic morals.

I agree with this.

It really isn't par for the course. It's grim. And a bit (a lot!) chavvy.

You should probably ask the real world OP and not the faux protectors of men on Mumsnet. It’s just a man with an apron and his top off. It’s not the same as a strip club where women are at risk of sexual assault and death. Women don’t view this as men do so it is not the same at all and failure to recognise that shows a type of privilege of not living in the real world.

you’re not asking her to take part in a hostel style mutilation as a group activity - just to see a man with his top off. She doesn’t need to sexualise him. I hate paintballing but it’s a typical activity that’s done for the benefit of others so you just get on with it. It does show she’s probably on Mumsnet and holds her faux principles above you. Just skip that part if it bothers you so much and don’t make a big song and dance.

Many of the women here are pearl clutching at the notion that other women are allowed to have different standards and make different choices to them. OP is also pearl clutching at this idea.

Perhaps OP thinks her cousin is looking down on her because her standards are different to the OPs. Seems to be a common thread here.

I suppose if you are not confident in your choice and realise that to many it will seem tacky, and you care a lot about what other people think, you might choose to be offended at someone saying "No" to your tacky notion of what is fun, and exercising their boundaries.

Crikey, I remember going to one of these butler in the buff things 20 odd years ago, I was only 17 and found it incredibly awkward and cringeworthy back then! I’d be mortified and wouldn’t go if my close friends organised this for my hen. They may as well ask everyone to dress up as playboy bunnies 🐰 if they are so keen on exploitation. Let’s face it, probably young guys trying to make a buck. If they get their kicks off on that… I’m not sure many women with sons of that age would approve

Ah but the OP thinks it is the same you see. She’s absolutely fine with her husband to be having a lap dance (and more) because it’s “par for the course”

At least you and your husband to be are well suited! Both utterly low rent.

And no, having a dance from a stripper is not ‘par for the course’ 🙄🙄

This must be a wind up, unless net Huns has invaded.

Oh, so the OP feels the need to balance the scales, I missed that.

She'd have to purchase a couple of male prostitutes for that, though. I doubt naked young men dressed as butlers grind themselves on women's laps or offer "extras" the way most strip clubs do.

Men who do these jobs are also at risk of sexual assault or physical assault and trafficking happens to lots of male victims. Just because ops hen party are not likely to be a harmful group doesn't mean this person isn't exposed to other harmful groups in society because of this 'job' and isn't at risk in any way. I know the stats are not equal, but to say he's never going to be harmed is incorrect.

Sounds like your cousin is the only decent one

Butler in the buff, get some respect

No not really. Still cringeworthy.

it isn’t par for the course.
No not every woman wants to view a strange man naked being paid to serve no matter how drunk.

Good on your cousin. If this was a man saying this thats meh didn't want to be served by a naked woman we would be applauding him.

I wouldnt want to attend that sort of occasion. With or without having drunk a bucket of Prosecco.
Lap dancing for your dh to be as well.
Super classy. If you are happy with that, great but your cousin isnt weird for not being keen.

It’s not my usual cup of tea but it’s a hen do so par for the course, and we all secretly like a bit of eye candy when we’ve had a few Prosecco’s don’t we!

I know he’s likely to have a dance and he knows as long as it goes no further then I’d have no issue given that’s par for the course on a stag.

Very much below par if you ask me