Hen party drama

[Horsingabout2]

My two best friends are in charge of my hen weekend. I’ve given them free rein within a couple of paramaters (including not to exceed a certain cost so as many people as possible can make it given it’s quite close to Christmas).

I am not in the WA group but I know they were putting the itinerary in there earlier. One of my friends has called me to say one of the attendees (my cousin) has kicked up a fuss about one of the meals being a butlers in the buff style evening. Said they won’t go on the weekend if that’s the plan. No one else has said they’ve an issue.

My cousin hasn’t contacted me directly. I don’t want my friends to have to rearrange things given the efforts they’ve gone to in order to arrange. AIBU to say that if she wants to be stubborn and not attend, that says more about her and how highly she must regard me?

Or we just know our husbands and their friends and know that being in a strip club is not how they get their jollies. I wouldn't have married a man who got excited about having a random (probably trafficked) naked woman draped over him. It's pathetic.

I know some blokes who would go to a strip / lap dancing club. Absolutely.

I have zero respect for them.

edited for typo.

This 100% I wouldn’t feel comfortable at such an advent and would politely decline. It would have no bearing whatsoever on my level of regard for you. I would accept her decision gracefully and let her know I look forward to seeing her at the wedding.

Yuck. How tacky. Glad your cousin feels comfortable saying no to things that she doesn't want to be involved in.

Nope, because he isn’t a sleaze, and neither are his friends or family.

I think you're BU for judging your cousin for not wanting to take part, that's the bit that sounds most childish to me.
I don't agree with horse racing so wouldn't go to something 'classy' like ladies day - wouldn't expect anyone to change plans but would certainly expect people to respect my view on it and not brand me stubborn. Especially not a family member.

So your cousin has realised your hen weekend is not going to be her cup of tea, and that's fine, each to their own, it doesn't need to mean drama or anyone getting offended, and much better surely that she realises now and bows out than she goes and has a horrible time? Will she know anyone else there? I would message her separately and say you're sorry she doesn't like the sound of that part, and that she's welcome to skip that part and just join you for the rest, or if she'd rather bow out of the whole thing that's fine too. Just be gracious about it and be nice to her, basically.

Yep, it's weird how some women desperately want to believe every man is a grubby, sleazy creep. I suppose it makes them feel better about picking a wanker.

I think had a man written that last sentence MN would have exploded, double standards yet again.

Erm….No actually.

They are in a similar ballpark, though less extreme and with less of the inherent power imbalance that comes with female strippers and lap dancers (though potentially some power imbalance and definitely objectification). I wouldn’t attend something like this - for various reasons, I don’t think paying people to be in a state of undress in a sexualised/objectifying context is ok. I can honestly say that if I were your cousin, I’d be declining that part of the event and it would be entirely about my own values and no reflection on my relationship with you. I would probably be trying to come to the other parts of the weekend though - could your cousin do that?

No. I’m with the cousin. I also hate Prosecco. The best hen party I’ve been on involved taking out motorboats.

Yes, it is so strange that some women on here just cannot stand the notion that other people have different standards than they do.

I’m loving all the Pearl clutching on this thread 😂

I don’t blame her .

its not about how “highly she regards you”. No one needs to put up with an event like that just because it’s your cup of tea.

To be fair, the majority of posters here have said it’s pretty tacky so surely you must understand this is definitely a marmite thing.

i dunno, I just personally think you wouldn’t normally kick about with almost naked men /women , respecting your relationship, so why are hen and stags the exception?

Just let your cousin opt out if the rest of you are so keen.

I'm loving all the "Everybody has my low standards and I won't believe anything at all that contradicts that" on this thread 😅😆

This!
have some grace OP!

I once went to an event where there were a couple of those guys. I find it a bit cringe even after a drink, but chacune à son goût …

Everyone posting above are ridiculous pearl clutchers. The last hen do I went on had a butler in the buff and he was great fun! Make the evening flow a lot more and he led games etc which helped people get to know each other he was a very classy professional. Before anyone tells us we are low brow or tacky, the group is privileged women, around age 40, lots of ‘posh’ boarding school types, professionals like lawyers social workers and CEO’s. Much more fun than a knitting circle or an afternoon tea and home by 6pm or whatever pp think is appropriate ,

You and your cousin are certainly not cut from the same cloth anyway, she has some class. I wouldn't go either, you and your friends clearly have much more in common so I think she is right to pull out and you and your friends can have all the tackiness you want.

I went to a friend's hen weekend and a buff butler came to the house we stayed at and served our meal. It was fun and funny and very respectful all round.
Your cousin is being a bit of a prima donna and could just duck that bit if she felt so strongly.

“a very classy professional” 😂

This a million times over!

I think it's up to you and your stbh to decide what boundaries you place on your relationship and I don't think it's for anyone here to judge that really. But equally I don't think you get to then judge others for having different boundaries for themselves. You can't have it both ways.

Another vote for this being cringe and unethical and not something I’d want to be part of. No connection to her regard for you, simply a need to honour her own values.

You do you. The OP does her.

We’ll do us.