Hoarder in-laws want us to inherit their stuff

[Xmasiscomingsoon]

My in-laws in their 70s are serious hoarders. They have a massive house filled with stuff.

They have repeatedly told my DH and me that they will not sort out their belongings and expect us to inherit or sell everything after they pass, believing it's all valuable.
For example, hundreds of DVDs, crystal decor, old DIY tools, and casual "jewellery" that's not my taste and to be blunt, not worth inheriting, the quality of something you would see in Claire's or Accessorize.

DH has sincerely explained that majority of their possessions have little to no value, and we do not want them. We offered to help them declutter or sell items, but they refuse, as they are unwilling to give things away for free or accept low selling prices.

We live in a tiny terrace with no storage. I dread the enormous task of clearing their 4-bedroom house, annex, and workshop when the time comes.
AIBU to think what they are asking of us is very selfish?

My late in-laws had a huge attic stuffed with decades and decades of stuff. Plus their garage was so full they had to park in the street. As they got older they used to say 'oh well, we won't be here to deal with it, so we won't care as we will know nothing about it'. And then MIL would try and pass on DH's old school report cards from 30 years ago 'we thought you might like to have these' - er, NO, we don't want junk.
DH has slightly inherited their hoarding tendencies and I always tell him straight out, if you die before me all that is going straight in a skip.
When the in-laws died, we got a house clearance company and hired a skip and as they didn't know anything about it, being dead, they had no idea their so-called heirlooms etc were dumped.

I am just getting to the end of clearing my hoarder Mother's house since June. The contents of the garage was one large skip in itself. There have been numerous trips to the skip disposing on railway timetables the size of bricks from the 1970s. I started going there before and after work to get it under control

Sometimes I find something that makes me smile about good times long gone by, sometimes I'll reason that it was a result of the serious traumas she was endured to in her life , but most of the time my thoughts about my unwanted second job are that it was a pretty unloving legacy. Eventually I suppose I will be rewarded with an inheritance. But my mortgage is nearly paid off so I don't even need the money that much any more and I can't get excited about that.

I think you just have to accept that this is something shit that is going to happen to you and you have no control over it. Maybe you could encourage them to organise it as that it is easier for you to sort through (eg box for DVDs, box for hats and gloves etc) but ultimately you'll just have to hunker down and get it done. And at least they are not there rescuing stuff from the bin anymore!

But then all you can do is resolve never to leave your own children in that position.

Get them this

@Xmasiscomingsoon , some people find it very difficult to part with things or maybe they don’t like to contemplate their own deaths. My husband and I (in our sixties) moved about 3 years ago and had a massive clear out, some of the things I let go of were very sentimental and I cried but I had really struggled when my own parents died and didn’t want that for my boys. Soon I must have a conversation with them about what of our possessions they would like to keep when we’re gone and we’ll make a note of this to keep with our wills then I will tell them that they can let go of the rest without guilt.
You could buy your PsIL a copy of Swedish Death Cleaning for Christmas or you could just let them be, then when the time comes just get a clearance company in, they won’t know or care then. I’m not sure this is a hill to die on.

I sent a screenshot of this book to our family group chat - my parents thought it was very funny but didn’t get that I was actually serious

I wouldn't, I'd be sweet talking them, saying how there's lots of stuff you like, and making sure the inheritance comes your way!

My elderly father is an angel... he's cleared loads of his old stuff out, thank god.

But if he wanted to hoard I'd be gently wncouraging him not to, cursing the extra work for me and my sis, but otherwise shit up and think "nah, better not risk the inheritance!"

Have you got their Christmas presents yet? Amazon has several good books on the Art Of Swedish Death Cleaning.

It might be time to drop the hint. Or just tell them straight that once they are dead or in a care home you'll be calling in a house clearance company to remove the entire lot, so if they are hiding any cash, genuine antiques of value, diamonds, gold watches or first editions, now is the time to tell you so you can put them to one side. The rest you have no intention of keeping.

Imagine if you chucked it all in a skip, then saw it reappear on the Antiques Road show, worth a fortune! Serves you right!
I hope my glass paperweights , portmerion jugs, decorated eggs in marble, wood and tin, carved boxes etc don’t get chucked into a skip! I know their eyes are on my wooden carved writing bureau and blanket chest, so they’ll have to draw lots. Many tools in the garage in good condition too. They'll be fought over! Oh how I wish I could look on from above, as the contents of my wardrobes and drawers are dragged out , the gasps and comments and the need to buy more rolls of black bags ! The moans as the kitchen is emptied - so many pots and plates, glasses, gadgets never used, oven dishes and pans. As someone rightly said, it’s the price they pay for your inheritance!

A dead person's expectation is neither here nor there. It has died with them. And yes I have done house clearance for dead relatives.

It's far more likely, I would have thought. And you are given such an absurdly short time to sell the property to fund care, if one (widowed) or both of them need it. So much more difficult when it's full of stuff, it needs to be cleared before you can put it on the market/have it photographed.

Don’t tell them!

Surely most people just pay clearance companies to take everything away and don’t think anything more of it.

I'd declutter that straight into the bin.

you'd think so wouldn't you?

I know I'm so tempted to get it for my family. I'm dreading it, I'm the complete opposite 😕

The best piece of advice someone gave me as I embarked on clearing my parents’ house was something similar. I’m not remotely sentimental but even so it did help to think the sentimental items were not my memories, but theirs.

I have no idea how or why but DH and I both seem to have found one another and both of us have hoarders on each side of our family despite neither of us having those tendancies ourselves. I'm talking can't-get-into-some-rooms-as-you're-faced-with-a-wall-of-boxes levels of hoarding. I won't even visit SIL's house anymore as it's unbearable being in there.

We dread it. My elderly Aunt lives alone in a five bedroom house with multiple outbuildings that is packed to the rafters with stuff and she refuses to downsize or sort any of it. She's said herself that it'll be for us to deal with.

The plan, as others have said is to go through and spend a day picking out anything we want to keep and then just getting a clearance company in to empty the place. We cleared FIL's house ourselves and it was awful and upsetting to see everything just getting chucked into skips but it is what needed to be done. I'm not dealing with it in future though, a company can come in and sort it.

All those boxes and albums of photos , Dad on a beach at Margate! It’s a hell of a job! All those school exercise books from primary and secondary school. All those programmes, souvenir tickets and postcards. I’ve lived in several countries, many different houses, travelled a lot- my family will have great fun when we are gone!

My 80 year old mum downsized recently and despite lots of talk about having a really good clear out before she moved, she actually moved ALL OF HER SHIT WITH HER to a house that was half the bloody size of the old one.

She paid someone to laboriously sort and pack up and label then move all this shit, knowing full well she didn't need most of it, she then paid them to move it all into storage because her new house was so full of boxes she could hardly get in the door. She paid then to unpack it, and she's now paying them to to gradually get rid of all her shit to the tip and the charity shop because she can't move for shit. It's a wonder she's not fallen and broken her neck on some of this shit before now. But only when she literally had NO SPACE for most of it could she actually bring herself to make decisions about what to get rid of. She must have wasted at least 3k on moving this shit from one place to another, to another and eventually to the bin.

Honestly, I despair.

Get house clearance in. Sorted ✔️

We cleared my Grandma's house in virtually no time. Sorted all the paperwork and Everyone took the few things they might want. 4 cars with repeat runs to the tip one afternoon and then 2 guys we found on Facebook with a van and a valid disposal licence for the furniture.

There’s no point worrying now - you can pay for clearance. Probate usually takes time so you’ll have time to clear the house and it’s good you don’t care much for any of their hoard.

This could be a blessing in some ways because it will actually be much easier to do the clearance after the pass, than try to do it piecemeal now while they are alive: they attach sentimental value to every item. You do not.

You are not. So they will not have to suffer watching it all get binned, nor will you be forced to spend very much time sorting through the items that do not interest you.

Instead, as PPs have suggested, you can visit the house, retrieve anything you may want (photos? Any artwork?), dispose of anything highly personal (letters, personal care items, certain items of clothing perhaps), offer a charity the opportunity to take anything they can sell, perhaps offer any furniture that may be in good condition via a website such as Freecycle (where takers have to come and fetch the items they want), and then get a clearance company to come with a skip.

All you would need to do when the time comes is bring a good book and a kettle, and then let the various parties (charity, freecycle takers, and finally the clearer) in to to the house when the time comes.

And until then, you do not need to worry.

Honestly, i know you think your stuff is coveted, but i can assure you they won't be falling over each other to claim your junk things. One persons treasure is another.......

Why would you tell them this? It would just cause them distress. They don't need to know at all.

OP, just accept and agree with what your in-laws say. You can't reason with a hoarder, and attempting to win them over with logic or truth will just cause them unnecessary upset. Then deal with the stuff as you see fit when the time comes. When they pass, they will be released from their hoarding disorder, so you don't have to feel guilty.

My late dad was a hoarder with the same mentality that everything was valuable. 20 car loads went to the tip, recycle or charity, one car load of bric-a-brac went to a general auction (made a moderate profit), and the rest is actually valuable and we are gradually selling it.