Hoarder in-laws want us to inherit their stuff

[Xmasiscomingsoon]

My in-laws in their 70s are serious hoarders. They have a massive house filled with stuff.

They have repeatedly told my DH and me that they will not sort out their belongings and expect us to inherit or sell everything after they pass, believing it's all valuable.
For example, hundreds of DVDs, crystal decor, old DIY tools, and casual "jewellery" that's not my taste and to be blunt, not worth inheriting, the quality of something you would see in Claire's or Accessorize.

DH has sincerely explained that majority of their possessions have little to no value, and we do not want them. We offered to help them declutter or sell items, but they refuse, as they are unwilling to give things away for free or accept low selling prices.

We live in a tiny terrace with no storage. I dread the enormous task of clearing their 4-bedroom house, annex, and workshop when the time comes.
AIBU to think what they are asking of us is very selfish?

Tell them you've paid upfront for big skip 👍

Well for now they are still alive and that is their stuff.
Imagine being told to get rid of it all before you die so you don’t cause any inconvenience to anyone once you’re gone. And I assume you will partly inherit the 4 bed house, would that be an inconvenience too?

Not everyone is cut out for swedish death cleaning. YABU to expect them to do it.

As PP have said, house clearance companies exist and can do it for you. Some will do it for free or cheap if it looks like there is enough with resale value to make it worthwhile for them.

Do you mean they won’t want my first attempt at oil painting, and my carefully written poems? and They’ve actually dropped hints at some items! Some things are not their taste, but there are some nice things in all the “ stuff”. They’ll definitely my piano! Good job I won’t be here to see the skips and listen to the discussions!

Oh no. How awful. Having to declutter a large family home, with annex before taking possession of said inheritance.

Seriously.

I recognise myself here! I feel somewhat comforted that I am not alone in this!

These people are in their 70s, they have potentaily another 10-20 years before this stuff becomes Ops concern.

I still have flashbacks to clearing my late IL’s house rammed with over sixty years of stuff. It was made worse as my DH also has those tendencies and wanted to look through everything personally. It took us six months to clear a 3 bed semi and garage, shed. They had left a note book listing things that they thought were worth something (they were worth bugger all). I must admit I impressed myself with my research skills on getting a lot of the stuff to various charities. Several bin bags of knitting wool went to a charity that teaches prisoners to knit. Thousands of buttons, zips and threads the local church shop wanted those. Unfortunately the gigantic collection of paper bags, yogurt pots and margarine tubs went to the recycling. My DMIL’s vast wardrobe of identical pairs of brown slacks and short sleeved white blouses went to the BHF shop.

You have 2 options. Your decision may be influenced by whether you believe in the afterlife and their ability to haunt you.
Option 1 you make it clear you’ll pay a clearance company to empty the property before selling it / will put it up for auction ‘as is’ and sell to the highest bidder.
Option 2 you smile and go along with it & revert to option 1 upon their death.

Just be grateful that your DH is not my DH... I DREAD his parents dying becuase he will want to KEEP it all. He will be convinced that it is either valuable, or sentimental.

His mother recently gave him a huge bag of coins... apparently valuable. If he had taken them planning to get them valued then sell them, fine. But no.... I just discovered them in a big bag under the bed in DD's room. I am waiting for the right moment to tell him that if he is keeping them becuase they're valuable, let's sell them now because we need to pay for a driveway repave.

I only got to this post! I was going to say exactly this.

Way back in the day when i was a Trainee solicitor I did a rotation in probate. This was not uncommon at all.

I highly recommend just getting the local auction house in to take what they can sell and then a house clearance for the rest.

It's sad though- we had one client who had no beneficiaries at all. He was devoted to his 'collectables'. . They were not worth anything to anyone and were mostly junked. I actually bought something from the deceased estate auction of one of the things he was particularly proud of because i could not bear it going to the tip.

OMG this!!

Just take the best bits/best stuff, and get in a house clearance company for the rest.

DH and I have got a lot of clutter, mainly from his hobbies and our loft is full of stuff we don't want to chuck out.
I've told DH if I'm left I'm not spending weeks going through his stuff! I've also told DS that when DH and I are both gone to have a quick look through and take what he wants then get a house clearance company in.
I don't think you should worry about this at all OP, you have absolutely no obligation to take a lot of stuff you don't want, just say "thank you" to your in-laws and then get a skip or a house clearance company to take away everything you don't want when the time comes.

Just nod and agree and when the time comes get a house clearance company to do the job.

Sensible approach. My parents were never hoarders and have always been very tidy and orderly. However, my mother is nearly 93 and my Dad was 89 when he died, so inevitably there is a great deal of stuff in the house. This is normal. She frets about what a lot of work it's going to be for my brother and me to sort out and we tell her not to worry about it. We will see to everything. We don't bother to spell out that the crystal, china and French polished brown dining room suite she's looked after so carefully for over 60 years are unfortunately not likely to be of interest to anyone else. The hideous ornaments that have needed so much dusting may not even be accepted by the charity shop. It's sad, but that's how it is.

I wouldn't be able to chuck everything in a skip unexamined in case we missed something important, even though that's very unlikely. I don't mind doing it, though. It's one last thing I can do for her (when we get to that point). I was happy to help my husband clear his parents' house because I love him and it was a big help and support to him at a difficult time.

Agreed.

I had an elderly friend who wanted me to be her executor. I've refused. She's denied being a hoarder: the last time I visited, I had to sit on a cushion on the floor of her living room. There was no room on her couch or armchairs. She has shelving with 'collectables' on every single wall, including along her staircase - which is also used as shelving. I felt suffocated.

Even her bath was full of things. The council is aware.

It made me realise that I have a problem - not nearly as bad as hers, thank goodness - and I'm clearing out as much as I can. In the meantime, I've told my cousins to call in a clearance firm if I snuff it before it's done. (I was an only child and have a lot of my parents' things here.)

I checked whether my late husband's kids wanted certain items that had belonged to him and my MIL and those were packed up and sent to them about a year after he died.

I've also contacted a local undertaker to sort out a funeral plan for myself.

I've given my cousins the name of a local firm that cleared a garage for someone else - they emptied it and gave her £50 for the tools that were of use.

In the meantime, a local charity shop has accepted quite a lot of stuff* - clothes of mine (in good condition) plus some ornaments (mainly unwanted presents). Included in the charity shop donations have been presents from my elderly pal. She's addicted to QVC and sometimes buys stuff which she passes to others. Last year, the charity shop was happy enough to accept a twirly globe light ornament and - I kid you not - a laughing gnome. My friend insisted that I should put it in my car to keep me company.

*I made the mistake of mentioning my charity shop trip to another friend. She dumped a load of stuff on me. I told the lady in the shop just to tell me what items were of no use and I'd gladly take them straight to the tip. In the end, she accepted one lamp and one lampshade. All the other (rather grotty) lampshades went to the tip. (Yes, I'm old and my friends are even older than I am.)

My parents did. My mum did go into a NHS continuous care facility with dementia and my dad lived alone, but completely independent, right up to Dec of last year, when he too went into the same place my mum had been in (she had died in 2021). NHS continuous care is free. He stayed there for 3 months until he died in March. So you never know.

Extremely selfish. House clearance company is the way to go.

Just tell them that you'll get a house clearance company in to take the lot.

I am not sure why you would want to distress them to no purpose by saying this?

I have a friend like this. She downsized to a smaller house but didn't get rid of any of her (abundant) stuff. Two years later, half of it is still in unlabelled boxes in the two garages (where there's not enough room for a bike, let alone a car). And she's always buying duplicate stuff (kitchenware, bedding, tools, lamps etc) because she can't find the ones she already has.

Pointless. Hoarders make relationships with objects , it would be like telling someone “ once you die I’ll have all your pets euthanised “. If I were you I’d make emollient noises, then ruthlessly get rid of anything you don’t want once they aren’t around anymore. Yes they are selfish and their expectations are unrealistic , but hoarding is a mental illness.

Not RTFT but when one goes you may find the other softens their position on this. When FIL was alive the house (and garage and sheds!) were packed to the rafters with stuff “just in case it was worth something/could be needed later on”.
Now it’s just MIL and over the last couple of years we’ve gradually decluttered with her to the point where it is manageable, only one shed that contains garden tools, a mostly empty garage, only xmas decs in the loft. There is still a lot of stuff (ornaments, holiday trinkets and so many books!) but it’s so much better than before.

I don't think you'll win this one, but I've personally had many conversations along the lines of "give it to the charity shop, someone will treasure it and the charity will benefit, if you wait until it's too old it will be binned'..

But that didn't stop a tearful tantrum when selling their house I refused point blank to take a 50 year old faded green shaggy bath rug for my own house.... 🧐