Warning to all mums

[ILoveHolidaysAbroad]

No matter how wonderful you make your children’s upbringings, they leave and never look back. I did it all for my kids, the best of everything, no expense spared, I worked very part time to be there with them, they had extravagant birthday parties and holidays to Disney land multiple times. Now they are adults and I hardly hear from them. No fall outs. But they just make their own new families and you become discarded.

I'm sorry you feel discarded OP, can you flesh out the details a bit to give us a fuller understanding?

My dd are tweens so still young, and my parents in their 80s. I feel very loved by both generations but for me - I love my DC more - maybe this is the way; our kids don't love us the same way we love them, and that is natural.

As I say, dc are young so maybe I don't know anything .. they still adore me now and I would be heartbroken if they barely contacted me in future.

My god, why is everyone being SO horrible to an OP who is missing her children because they're too self-absorbed to be in contact with her much? It's a very common scenario. I don't have kids, but after you have grown them and birthed them and nurtured them and loved them, it must hurt like hell if they don't keep in touch much when they're older.

All the PP saying they'd be just fine with it and the point is to raise independent kids are being disingenuous, imo. There is NO reason why an adult child can't spread their wings, be independent, and also keep in touch with the parents who love them.

”Extravagance” and “no expense spared” doesn’t necessarily equal a happy childhood. There is the foundation which creates the roots and desire to return for children. You dont mention what their childhood was actually like outside of the parties and holidays. What kind of parents were you OP?

Not always true. I grew up to have my own family and career but contact my mum daily and travel to see my parents as often as I can (we live 3 hours away due to work).

She also phoned her mum daily until she passed away.

So that’s not always the case

Exactly.

Some posters are just so horrible.

Sounds great. I look forward to all my time, money and space back. Thanks for telling me though OP, might dial back christmas a bit this year. 😂

Obviously you would want your children to be independent, but is it really reasonable for parents to "expect nothing"? As long as the parent wasn't abusive or awful in some other way, I do think we have a responsibility to the people who gave us life and nurtured us and love us more than almost anyone.

The notion of filial duty is dead in the water these days, and I think that's a bad thing. All things being equal, people SHOULD honour their parents, which could look like bothering to make a phone call once in a while to stay in touch. People are so selfish and are all about themselves. The irony is, they'd probably be happier if they gave more of themselves to others instead of putting themselves first all the time.

My relationship with my mum and her with her mum have worked this way too. I don't feel lacking in independence: I just love and appreciate my mum. And I actually like her - and have a DH who is secure enough to recognise that's fine.

I don't see op is somehow selfish or plainly undeserving if this isn't how it has panned out.

She hasn't told us enough to decide that.

I do think too many mothers live vicariously through their children.

Why must something have happened? Why is it SO impossible that her children are just a pair of selfish gits, like so many people are?

That is to say, there's nothing wrong with your children being the most important thing in your life. But they are not your WHOLE life.

I’m 59 and spoke to my mum daily before she died when I was 52. She’d phone early and we’d do the crossword in the paper before I went to work- her reading out the clues. I speak to Dad at least weekly- often more, and we go for walks together about once a fortnight.

My kids (38 and 25) speak to me every day. One FaceTimes with his son to say hello to GanGan (me), and the other I have a similar routine with as I had with my mum, where we do Wordle, Connections, and Chronophoto, and compare scores.

I don’t expect them to gush- our relationships have changed into friendships. I don’t physically see them as much because they live fair distances away (one in Europe), but I have my own life too.

I think we have to manage our expectations a bit. They can’t be with us because they have jobs, partners, kids, pets, friends… but we should have some of those things to keep us occupied too, and speaking to our grown children shouldn’t be a chore or a duty for any of us.

The notion of filial duty is dead in the water these days, and I think that's a bad thing. All things being equal, people SHOULD honour their parents, which could look like bothering to make a phone call once in a while to stay in touch. People are so selfish and are all about themselves. The irony is, they'd probably be happier if they gave more of themselves to others instead of putting themselves first all the time.

So well put. This is what I have been trying to say - and would have said if I'd thought of this way of putting it.

I make an exception for children with crap parents. It's incredible how parents who abandon or compromise children's lives to live their own will whinge about their children being ungrateful ("they never accepted their abusive step-father: what a brat"), but we have no basis whatsoever to think that is op's situation.

Dh rabg mil every day ubtil she passed away age 91. We visited once or twice weekly. Mol was amazing.

My larents live abroad. Mum has been dead 10 years our contact was regularly but not often like once a month. I was ok with that i needed low contact with her. I speak w my father bo weekly stepdad monthly. Siblings once or twice a year. Sil monthly.
My adult children i hear fro. Daily in pur WhatsApp group speak woth regularly and aee often 2 are at uni so more linited but 2 called me today and thats not unusual.

I get this; my 16 yr old son is estranged from me; I brought him up as a single parent.

Went without to give him the best opportunities, and we had what I thought was a close, loving relationship. But, after alienation from his dad, he's cut me out and I'm just a footnote in his life

His dad and his dad's family meanwhile who never sacrificed anything in his earlier life (money, time, actual parenting) are the only things that matter to my son now.

It's months since I spoke to or seen my son. Interractions now are weird and stilted. If I face-timed him he might answer, but would make it obvious through non verbal cues he has zero interest in speaking to me by doing something else while talking. He doesn't really read any messages and responses are one word if at all

Meanwhile if he does visit me once a year for an hour, he'll be messaging his dad non-stop, or diving to the loo every 5 mins to make secret calls to his dad

This was a child, who up to last year would fling his arms round me and laugh and joke with me all the time

So, solidarity. Sometimes it just turns out like this. People and feelings change, even people you think you know well. Maybe they will come back in time

I speak to my adult son most days, will WhatsApp throughout the day too and see him at least once a week.

I had asked OP about who is texting/calling/asking to meet up (if it's only her or neither) to not add to anymore harshness, but I need to reply to this even if it doesn't necessarily pertain to the OP.

You don't have kids, but you're someone's 'kid', how do you feel about your parents?

I have a close relationship with my kids, and my Dad, but have nothing to do with my mother. She'll tell everyone we're selfish and she 'did everything for us'...no she didn't, she guilted us constantly. Expected her to be the centre of our world. Banged on about everything she did bringing us up and how hard it was, but when WE had kids apparently we had loads of spare time to do everything she wanted. She had a mum, my lovely Gran since passed, who helped my Mum out loads. My mum didn't do that for us - not that I would have wanted her too because then my kids would be the next ones given the guilt trip (which they have been! One feels sorry for her, the other refuses to talk to her).

So yes, there are reasons adult children do not speak to their parents and it's not simply down to not being taken on nice trips or being starved/abused.

My siblings and I don't stay near each other and none of us speak to her. Hasn't crossed her mind she's the common denominator.

Obviously you would want your children to be independent, but is it really reasonable for parents to "expect nothing"? As long as the parent wasn't abusive or awful in some other way, I do think we have a responsibility to the people who gave us life and nurtured us and love us more than almost anyone.

Having children is more about the parents needs and wants than anything, it's not a selfless thing. There was a thread the other day where someone said you raise kids to be self-sufficient so they can come back and care for you when you're old 🙄it's always that, or "I need to give my kids what I didn't have"-so trying to recreate their own childhood. And most men only want kids so they can take them fishing/hunting/football etc. it's ALL about the parents, always. The OP thinks because she took her kids to Disneyland they should just be grateful!

My mum.was extremely abusive and I didn't discarding her. Maybe that's the answer. Trauma bonding.

My eldest is at uni and hardly stays in contact but he is like that with everyone. He is fine once home. I do wonder how he will be once he is fully left home. I have told him if I have to use financial blackmail to force contact, I will. We laughed, he is still shit at staying in touch. He is busy living his life.

My parents are dead, and I'd give anything to see them again.

Of course some parents are awful, but most are not awful and love their kids. Selfishness is much more common than abusive parents, IMO. Especially these days, where everyone is so self-absorbed thanks to social media.

Obviously people have children because they want them, yes.

Unless you had horrible parents, I do think that you have a duty to them. That is a deeply, deeply unfashionable view today, I know!

I hear you OP. I also think ‘they are not trauma bonded and I gave them wings’ let them fly.

I’m 28 with my own DD and partner and I see my mum almost daily

Yes so parents are just as selfish as their kids and everyone else in the world then, glad you agree!

Sounds like you think money can buy love. I had not a single Disney trip growing up but I’ve managed to still want to see my mum in adulthood.