Warning to all mums

[ILoveHolidaysAbroad]

No matter how wonderful you make your children’s upbringings, they leave and never look back. I did it all for my kids, the best of everything, no expense spared, I worked very part time to be there with them, they had extravagant birthday parties and holidays to Disney land multiple times. Now they are adults and I hardly hear from them. No fall outs. But they just make their own new families and you become discarded.

I understand, OP. I remained very close to my parents - even after I emigrated to America! - and I've often been really shocked at the extent to which my peers simply do not bother about their parents, including when very ill. They don't seem to care much about their feelings. I have seen it again and again and again, and I think it's so selfish.

You're not going to get anyone on here admitting that they don't bother about their parents.

She might have been trying to adduce objective fact, rather than things that sounded like her take on how well she cared for them.

This post is about you feeling sorry for yourself. Somehow blaming your adult children for bringing them up well as if they owe you something back.

If they are out there thriving with their own families, you should be proud. You've done a great job and done your best, but they are independent adults now, there's nothing to be sad about! Fill your heart with joy for them instead of feeling sad and give yourself a pat on the back.

If you are feeling lonely, get yourself out there, get some hobbies, make new friends and take some time to focus on yourself. Everyone else is getting on with things

Eventually, yes. After they’d gone out into the big, wide world first.

There is something very off about your posts @ILoveHolidaysAbroad I hope you have some good support in your life I think you have a lot of healing to do. I really think it would help your relationships with your children if you were to do it. Best of luck. Your situation sounds very difficult for you. It is far from being a universal situation though. I know tonnes of adults who are extremely close to their parents and my adult DD is thankfully close to her father and me.

This is a sad outlook 😞. Whatever has happened for you I’m sorry to hear that. But I have to say I don’t believe this is mine or my parents experience. I am in my 30s and still rely on my parents for emotional support and speak with them often. I have my own family now too and they are super supportive of us.

I get it.
I think it’s a bit of a lottery.
Some adult children are really close to their parents, some less so.
I live close by to my parents but I don’t see them as much as I might like as they like doing their own thing.
Plenty of my friends don’t go a day without speaking to their parents, and I know some who still live with theirs at 40! (Not saying this is good).

I always think of a school friend and her sister. Her parents were the ‘cool ones’ when we were kids, they hosted school discos, let us have parties as teenagers, were very laidback and a close family.
Now both daughters live at opposite ends of the world and I think they see each other/their parents once every couple of years.

Crikey. Discarded is a bit harsh. I love my parents but we might go a month without speaking. We know we love each other and everything's fine, just life goes on.

I hope to build my own busy life after the kids have left. Enjoy more hobbies, holidays etc.

Oof. I know at least one mother who would write this (and genuinely believe herself that there was no spin or anything left out) whose children - and outside observers - would tell the tale very differently! It may be worth a bit of honest self-reflection if you have genuinely been "discarded".

Alternatively, a more positive version of this is that you've raised your children successfully to be self-sufficient and independent. And, ultimately, isn't that the goal?

I don't think you are unreasonable for these feelings - although plenty will be along to tell you you are.

It is quite unnatural the way families drift these days.

I think it's sad we now see it as a sign of strength for children to want to isolate themselves from family connections.

Of course where parents have not been good parents that' s understandable, No parent who left their dc can complain when the same happens in return.

I think you're probably forgetting that we're all children of our parents who have probably started our own families, and have wonderful memories to cherish with our parents.

To me, now I am an adult with agency and free choice, my desire to continue making wonderful memories all boils down to my mums ability to respect my boundaries and not be overbearing.

I still make wonderful memories and involve my mum and her mum in everything I can tolerate them being around for, but I am not going to have my boundaries pushed so they don't feel like victims.

We don’t feel discarded,far from it. When we see them , it is quality time and proper conversations.

Maybe extravagant holidays and birthday parties aren’t the key to adult child/parent closeness ……..

That's so horrible. Why? Many, many people are extremely selfish and self-absorbed these days, helped along by the narcissism that social media encourages. And it's hardly an unheard-of trope, the adult child who doesn't bother enough about their parents. Why must she be the problem? I have witnessed a LOT of this behaviour among my peers towards their parents. I think it's relatively common.

But we don't know how long op's dc have been gone.

If they are first year uni, then yes, it's a natural thing. But to me it sounds as though they have families of their own. I don't see anything grown up or clever about that at that stage of one's life.

Perhaps we are all answering a different thread, as op has not given a lot of detail.

Did you take them to stately homes Op?

Well that's what I was wondering too actually. 😂

I frequently travel to spend the week with my mum and dad. And speak to them at least twice a week, usually for an hour or more.

Nonetheless, if my two don't have much time for me when they're grown up, I'll cherish the time I've had with them as babies and children. Can't imagine lamenting not spending more time dealing with invoice queries and appraising quotes.

Yes, I agree - and it's enabled by attitudes that paint traditional family ties as needy or suffocating.

Maybe it is because with so many families where the children were abandoned and have - understandably - made their peace with that by focusing on their own life, the children of attentive parents hear these stances and decide they are useful for them too.

I say again, I think a lot of DILs can't be bothered with ILs.

Yes.
But my sister doesn't speak to her anywhere near as much so not always a daughter thing

You seem scarred OP sorry about that. I hope you are ok. Have you tried inviting them over and making an effort?
My husband's parents are constantly calling us over for dinners we never say no to them. Theres a lot of consistency and that can help to rebuild what u think u have lost. Dont lose hope xx

and in that case obviously not always a mother thing.

People are just being honest. It’s not a question of whether or not women heal each other, it’s just a fact that some families are closer than others. I’m 65. My daughter has four children, aged between 12 weeks and five years. I’m very lucky, she lives nearby. We speak every day and see each other at least twice a week. I am included in their holidays and am welcome any time. Her friends’ parents are not particularly warm; the difference is tangible.
It should be remembered that our children owe us nothing. We chose to have them and of course should do our best. We then have to hope that they love and respect us.

Yes, this op.

And why don't you share some more detail?

It isn't helpful for you to be lambasted by people jumping to assumptions about what the background is.

Maybe we were just supposed to get them safety to adulthood and then let them live their lives.

In other words, you are simply warm and loveable and have decided the op clearly isn't?