Warning to all mums

[ILoveHolidaysAbroad]

No matter how wonderful you make your children’s upbringings, they leave and never look back. I did it all for my kids, the best of everything, no expense spared, I worked very part time to be there with them, they had extravagant birthday parties and holidays to Disney land multiple times. Now they are adults and I hardly hear from them. No fall outs. But they just make their own new families and you become discarded.

Really 🥺

I think the kids need to know how she feels, if I were in touch with my dm, I would want to know how she felt

I'm sorry that has been your experience OP. I can hear the hurt and pain in your words. I hope you can repair the relationship with your children.

I have to say though, that I have 5 adult sons and that has not been my experience at all. They are thoughtful and caring & I see them all regularly. They pop in and see my mum (their Gran) often too. They are my favourite human beings on the planet ❤️

She does actually sound hurt.

Why be unkind if you don't know the full story?

Well, distance does make a difference.

I lived only 16 miles away from my parents, but my late husband's children lived at the other end of the UK. It does make things more difficult, but children often have to leave their home area for their career.

Here's a violin... honestly, stop being so morose and just be pleased they're getting on with their lives. Maybe make your own much fuller so you don't have time to dwell on things so much?

This is my experience too.

Agreed. It's called communication.

It is no wonder so many relationships are poor these days when any kind of expression of feelings is regarded as manipulative, passive aggressive, narcissistic or cringe.

Most of those terms get hauled out to enable people to dismiss other people's feeling without an ounce of guilt.

Same. Am nearly 50 now and speak to my mum at least every other day if not more.

Again, though, is this mother to daughter?

I go out with my DD and we go on holiday together. DS phones at least 3 times a week. We see him and DiL at least once a month. We couldn’t afford holidays abroad but brought them up to value family and to be caring and kind.

Speak for yourself
my kids are adults and I see them and the grandkids at least once a week and often more when we can

Whilst I think there is element of truth in your op - I know quite a few families where adult DC only bother on high days and holidays (or when there’s a juicy will), I voted YABU because it’s not inevitable.

I regret every day that we could never afford to take our kids to Disneyland (and still can’t) but I couldn’t be happier that even though they live away, and are busy adults, they’re in contact with us all the time and we still hang out and have fun.

It’s not what you ‘do’ for them as children but it’s the relationship you grow and have with them. So many parents see their DC as an extension of their own identity and ego and all these overblown gestures that people do for likes on social media, or to keep up with the Jones’, rather than doing it for the individual child are always going to misfire in the end.

Their wings obviously

well - i live in a different continent and i am close to my mum - my bother and sister are close to her too - see her all the time, in fact, she stayed with me for 3 months and is now with my brother for a short holiday with his wife and kids... not sure your full story but i can say its different in other families...

Would it help to reframe it slightly? - you have taught them independence and self-sufficiency, for example.

Now this is the time in your life to live for you - to devote your time and efforts to something that you were not able to when your children were younger, be that hobbies, a career, volunteering, friends etc.

Me neither and nor has my OH. We don't have fathers in our lives, his died and mine wasn't on the scene but we look out for our mums and aren't selfish.

I notice you talk about money spent, extravagant birthdays and Disney land. That stuff does not a happy childhood make.

You opening post gives off a very materialistic vibe: "the best of everything", "no expense", "extravagant holidays"...
It is really concerning that you did not mention how much you loved them or cared for them.
I don't think you are telling the full story.

You're absolutely right. This is why it's important not to get lost in the identity of parenthood and prepare for a life beyond it.

Everyone likes to think they're different.

I think that sometimes kids are so used to focussing on themselves that they forget about their parents.

When my husband's ex needed a medical procedure, I was astonished that her daughter didn't offer to take her to the hospital. (The ex's partner had died.) The daughter lived a good bit away, but she wasn't working and her child was away at university, so there was nothing to stop her from supporting her mum.

In the end, I took the ex. The kids did send me flowers and a note thanking me for helping their mum, but I was puzzled that they didn't step up.

Sounds like my in laws! The ones who don't show any interest in their GC whatsoever, just the ones they favour. I wouldn't be surprised if the step MIL from hell has dictated that there's no way she's making any effort for her husbands kids and GC and he's not allowed either. Big wet fart that he is.

What goes around comes around.

My DM on the other hand, polar opposite and sees probably more of us all that she wants to 😅

I notice you focus on what you gave the materially but then bemoan more not having a relationship or emotional connection with them now, could the two be connected? Anyway I would be devastated not to be in my children's lives but we do have seasons of relationships, it may be when they are ain a different stage of life you might be closer to them again? Don't give up hope and keep the doors open

I really worry about this sort of thing as a single parent. As single mums we're often to not worry about being alone, sacrifice everything and concentrate on just bringing up our children. Often we end up staying single as we're the ones that manage everything. Then what happens when they leave? I couldn't cope if my son didn't speak to me after everything. I went through so much and he has been the light in all of it and I love him more than anything. I want him always to be in my life, even if he has his own independence. His own father, my ex, has a very controlling wife who cut him off from everyone, including his mother who he has been very close to, then she died without him seeing her for over a year. I'd be devastated if my own son ended up with someone like that.

Be sure to bring it up at any family events, tears at Christmas is always a good way to get your point across.

Exactly what stood out to me too.

Did you hang out with them? Play music together? Chat? Cook? Watch films? Walk the dog? Have their pals round and get to know them? Go for meals one on one?

Ffs it's not about the best of everything or holidays. It's time, love, talking, fun.