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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Warning to all mums

512 replies

ILoveHolidaysAbroad · 03/11/2025 21:17

No matter how wonderful you make your children’s upbringings, they leave and never look back. I did it all for my kids, the best of everything, no expense spared, I worked very part time to be there with them, they had extravagant birthday parties and holidays to Disney land multiple times. Now they are adults and I hardly hear from them. No fall outs. But they just make their own new families and you become discarded.

OP posts:
housethatbuiltme · 04/11/2025 18:27

We in the UK are mostly a child centric society (verses so others which are elder centric). You put your children first and now they move on to start their families and do the same. That how it works.

Co-dependence is however not good parenting, you are suppose to want them to fly the nest and find their own life and give all that love you showed them to your grandchildren. Its now a new chapter of your life to find yourself, redefine your self as something more than 'just a mother'. Make friends, find hobbies, live out your dreams (ever wanted to bungy jump? do it, want to volunteer to rescue elephants? go do it... you're pretty responsibility free, even if you work you can decide to change everything up) but don't lean on your kids as your emotional crutch and entertainment then blackmail them with victim mentality when they aren't constantly their (they have their own lives and responsibilities) or you'll push them away completely.

lamamo · 04/11/2025 18:27

Calliopespa · 04/11/2025 10:56

I think similarly.

I think one of the problems is, without detail as to what has happened, people project their own issues.

Show quote history

I agree. People took it as an opportunity to jump in and brag about how amazing their children are.

Sharptonguedwoman · 04/11/2025 18:30

There are many answers here from people who seem to be very close to mum or in very close communication. I don’t think that’s necessarily the norm. Kids in their early twenties and thirties don’t always think of their parents, why should they? Parents quite rightly encouraged them to find lives and jobs and adventures.
it’s only perhaps later that children realise their parents are people.

Whatswrongherethen · 04/11/2025 18:30

It's not a quid pro quo. I don't do it so they care for me in my dottage. I do it because I chose to bring him into the world and I really really enjoy being around him, caring for him and sharing his joy.

ThatCyanCat · 04/11/2025 18:31

What do you want them to do?

LastNameBeeswaxFirstNameNunnuyar · 04/11/2025 18:34

I'm afraid it's your attitude that's the problem, not theirs...

EleanorReally · 04/11/2025 18:36

that is you op
some come back
some live nearby

Greenshed · 04/11/2025 18:36

I’m sure it must be difficult in some ways, but you’ve been a good parent, bringing up children who have become happy, independent young adults, and that fantastic job you’ve done has meant they have been well prepared to fly the nest. That is something of which you should be very proud. But, I’m sure also that you wouldn’t want to be that person who makes their children feel duty bound to stay close to the apron strings. It’s natural that they should fledge and find their own way. It doesn’t mean that they no longer care about you, but it’s natural that their lives will evolve and they will find their path - just as you have done (and probably what your parents wanted for you). They may not see you every day, but I’m sure they adore you and are thankful that you’ve supported them to reach what they have now.

EleanorReally · 04/11/2025 18:37

be proud op that you set them on the path to freedom and independence

Firsttimemom3 · 04/11/2025 18:39

If I was feeling more comfortable around my parents, I promise you they’d see me more.

Meltdown247 · 04/11/2025 18:39

ILoveHolidaysAbroad · 03/11/2025 21:17

No matter how wonderful you make your children’s upbringings, they leave and never look back. I did it all for my kids, the best of everything, no expense spared, I worked very part time to be there with them, they had extravagant birthday parties and holidays to Disney land multiple times. Now they are adults and I hardly hear from them. No fall outs. But they just make their own new families and you become discarded.

If you did all this and they become happy and fulfilled then surely your work is done. Enjoy life.

Mumwithbaggage · 04/11/2025 18:40

I don't see my kids every day or even every week - we all have our busy lives to get on with and they don't live down the road - but we do spend quality time together. Also WhattsApp chats. They don't owe us anything. I'm glad I brought up strong independent thoughtful kind adults with lives of their own.

TheScreamQueen · 04/11/2025 18:44

ILoveHolidaysAbroad · 03/11/2025 21:17

No matter how wonderful you make your children’s upbringings, they leave and never look back. I did it all for my kids, the best of everything, no expense spared, I worked very part time to be there with them, they had extravagant birthday parties and holidays to Disney land multiple times. Now they are adults and I hardly hear from them. No fall outs. But they just make their own new families and you become discarded.

Are they boys? Once girlfriends and wives come aboard, we do get forgotten! Keep the contact up, hopefully they will bestow everything they learn from you to their children 😘

Matronic6 · 04/11/2025 18:45

I know their absence may hurt but it sounds like you have raised two independent, confident and content kids. They have both found their own paths in life, even if that takes them away from you.

They are also at an age where they are enjoying life. I spent a lot of time socialising and with friends at that age. I became much closer to my mum and spent more time with family when I had a child.

In the meantime, I would say enjoy putting yourself first again.

BrieAndChilli · 04/11/2025 18:45

The examples you gave - disneyland etc are all monetary. Throwing money at kids is not what it is all about and you come across that yoi expect them to be grateful for spending money you - a close relationship is about being there for them, listening to the big (and little things), being a call safe place for them but also teaching them resilience and boundaries.

The point of parenthood is to equip them with the skills to go off and live a great life. If they are not in contact with you and if mutltiple children have cut you off then you really need to consider if you did give them such a great childhood.

PhotoFirePoet · 04/11/2025 18:46

I notice that most of your post is about how well you provided materially for your children. I am not saying that is all you did, but it’s what you mention in your post. Spending lots of money on your kids and buying them stuff does not create an emotional bond that lasts a lifetime. I grew up in a council house, my dad worked in a factory and my Mum was a cleaner, so I didn’t have lots of material things and we never went on holiday, only on day trips.

But they were kind and open, spent lots of time with me, played with me, gave me their full attention and empathised with my worries and fears. I knew I could tell them anything, so I did not cut them out of my life at all, but kept in touch with them regularly and did things for them until they died.

As long as you bond emotionally with your children, allow them to be themselves and teach them kindness, gratitude and empathy, they will still be there for you, want a relationship with you no matter how old they are or how busy their lives.

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 04/11/2025 18:48

TheScreamQueen · 04/11/2025 18:44

Are they boys? Once girlfriends and wives come aboard, we do get forgotten! Keep the contact up, hopefully they will bestow everything they learn from you to their children 😘

Show quote history

This is not true.

ArtTheClownIsNotAMime · 04/11/2025 18:49

I've noticed whenever a "discarded" mother posts on here, she always focuses on how much money she's spent on her children. I think there's a clue there.

Happyher · 04/11/2025 18:50

Do you think possibly that working 7 days a week may have influenced your children regarding how much time to spend with family?

StrongLikeMamma · 04/11/2025 18:52

PractisingMyTelekenipsis · 03/11/2025 21:25

Its rare I go more than 2 days without speaking to my mum.

Same

MaddestGranny · 04/11/2025 18:53

ILoveHolidaysAbroad · 03/11/2025 21:17

No matter how wonderful you make your children’s upbringings, they leave and never look back. I did it all for my kids, the best of everything, no expense spared, I worked very part time to be there with them, they had extravagant birthday parties and holidays to Disney land multiple times. Now they are adults and I hardly hear from them. No fall outs. But they just make their own new families and you become discarded.

Children! You let them go, like the three little pigs, with their sticks & sandwich-holding spotted hankies over their shoulders, and they don't look back. Ow.
But, the good parent lets them go. And it's hard. Isn't it?
But, d'y'know what? After they get to about age 30. And/or after they start to settle down and have their own kids. ...
Then, they start to find their way back to you.If you can be patient.
It's hard to wait. But, if you do, with a good and open heart, you will be rewarded.

Hotterthebetter · 04/11/2025 18:54

Not always the case. When my parents were alive, I saw them 1-2 a week. I see my PIL once a week but my husband sees them more.
I see both my sons at least once a week and chat on WhatsApp daily. One has a partner and two children. The other lives alone although he has a partner, and he and I go on at least holiday together each year and he still sometimes comes on summer holidays with me and my husband

Lilactimes · 04/11/2025 18:56

It sounds like you’ve done a fantastic job @ILoveHolidaysAbroad and you’ve brought up good humans!
enjoy any time you have with them but more importantly enjoy your life for you now 👏

Rewis · 04/11/2025 18:58

Others have covered the "not all kids" thing. But it feels for you. I've noticed that some of my family/friends don't have the urge to keep contact eventhough they have no reason (to my knowledge). My cousin forexample never visits his mum (my aunt). His wife and children have never been to grandma's house. They ask my aunt to visit/babysit a few times a month (so she drives 4h) so it is not like they want no contact.

Me and my siblings had the same upbringing. One of my brothers have no urgency to visit our parents. When he does go over he happily stays for hours and has a great time. He is icnsiderign moving to Australia and I have to admit that if he does, I will never see him again eventhough he is my best friend.

My bf hasn't seen his dad for years. Mainly because of his wife, but I've encourage him to go. By himself, together, pay fo hotel. He juat doesn't feel the need. To be fair, the dad doesn't visit either.

I don't know what has happened with the kids but I kust wanted to share that it isn't necessarily that something has happened, some people juat are like that

FlawlessShiv · 04/11/2025 18:59

Bit of a dramatic post OP. I didn’t always get on with my mum for a myriad of reasons growing up however, I have the closest relationship with my parents out of all my siblings as an adult with a DH and DC. My parents keep a very open and honest communication about everything! Mum actually said you treat your kids like kids when they are young, but treat them like your best friend as adults! Mutual respect and kindness goes a long way in adult relationships.