Warning to all mums

[ILoveHolidaysAbroad]

No matter how wonderful you make your children’s upbringings, they leave and never look back. I did it all for my kids, the best of everything, no expense spared, I worked very part time to be there with them, they had extravagant birthday parties and holidays to Disney land multiple times. Now they are adults and I hardly hear from them. No fall outs. But they just make their own new families and you become discarded.

So, given your update, it turns out your OP was just you being melodramatic and you haven't been discarded at all.
You even admit that YOU are the one who is working 7 days a week, so it is your fault you can't see your relatively local son more than 4 times a year.

Obviously if your dd is currently living so far away, it is more challenging (including even phone calls or face time being awkward in different time zones) but in the relatively short time you've been there you have been and stayed twice, that sounds like a relationship that is alive and well to me.

I understand you're feeling lonely, I would miss mine terribly. But they're young, they might not be like this forever.

I have a busy life and probably see my parents once a month, sometimes more if there's more family bdays etc. Some of my siblings see them less than that. I probably had stages in my 20s and 30s where I saw them less - or not at all when I was travelling.

What do you do when you do see each other? Is it enjoyable, for all of you?

I said a higher % not all - your son sounds lovely. I have a son too, but he's only 14,and still sits on my knee 🤣 I'll have to wait and see how he turns out. If there's any lesson to learn grom MN it's be nice to your DIL 🤞

You've kind of got your answer there and it's not necessarily anyone's fault, just circumstance. You're too busy with work to see your son as much as you'd like/he's busy too, and your daughter is thousands of miles away...

Being this resentful of your children for living their lives must be horrendous.

At least your children were able to grow up and become independent. I'd love that for my youngest but it's not going to happen.
I had a great relationship with my mum until she died. We saw each other every week and spoke at least twice a week. She was an absolutely brilliant mum. So it's not inevitable at all.
If you really feel discarded have you spoken to your DC? Not saying that you feel discarded but that you miss them? Do you offer to see them or ask them to come to you?

I am an adult living with my partner and I speak to my mum every day (sometimes multiple times a day), see her most weeks, still go abroad with her, have days out etc. I would never discard her!

For me the whole point of successful parenting is to develop kids with sufficient independence mentally and financially to fly the nest. I am happy that mine have done this and are making their own way. They call me for an opinion on anything they find challenging if needed and that is absolutely fine. I think you should congratulate yourself on an amazing achievement to be honest.

My son turned 18 this year.

I hope he leaves. I hope he does well in the world of higher education and the world of works. I hope he meets a lovely women and has children, I hope he has the chance to go travelling and live his life to the fullest…… I hope he has EVERY opportunity that I never had.

if that means that I don’t see or hear off him for days, weeks then that’s fine with me. It means I’ve won as a parent. It means I’ve equipped him with the knowledge and skills not to “need me” anymore.

Isnt this what all parent should strive for?! Some are closer than others. I don’t see my mom that often…. I work, I have kids, I have a busy life…. But she knows I love her and would drop everything if she needed me in an emergency.

I think you are being hard on your children and need to reevaluate your freedom.

I'm terrible at calling my Dad (my mum died a year ago). My wife nags me to do it. But I'm just awful at getting round to it. I do however see him every couple of months (he lives in N.Wales I am in London). I did spend a week in Iceland with him in June and currently planning a week in Italy in March).
My sister calls him every other day, but probably wouldn't take him away. People are just different.
I do realise that it is hard to want them to interact and for them not to seem bothered. People are just different. I have other friends who call parents several times a day and talk all kinds of banal rubbish and that would def not be my cup of tea.

My Dd left home to go to uni in Manchester, and I knew right then that she probably wouldn't come home again permanently. She has made a lovely life for herself but we message on What's App at least once a day, we call at least once a week, and she comes home regularly for a weekend. I also visit her and we go shopping and lunching, I am just about to visit for our annual Christmas shopping trip.
I am sorry you feel abandoned but this is not every mum's experience.

My parents were massively emotionally abusive or absent.
At 42, I realised I shouldn't hate myself, but them.
Yes, they were discarded.
Good decision.

Two of my adult sons still live at home. Another has his own little family but I see them often(at least once a month.)
I was a teen mom and left their father due to DV. They didn't have the best childhood by any means but they still communicate with me and know I am always there for them. Its not necessarily about material things.

I see this time and time again, to do with estrangement.

If the kids have been spoiled, they are less likely to stay in touch as much in their futures.

Just catching up on comments. So to answer a few questions...they are 27 & 29 years old. I am a young Mum, I was 45/46 when they left for Uni. Son has never been back and settled in his Uni town, which is just 40 minutes away. I do go to see him when I'm not working, but I work 7 days a week usually in my own business. I maybe see him 4 times a year. He has a very busy social life. Daughter came back after Uni for a year, which was lovely. Then she moved abroad and is still abroad. Me and DH have visited twice. It's long haul and incredibly expensive, so not something we could afford every year (costs £10k each time).

YABVU

You have what reads like two successful adult children, work 7 days a week, admit it’s costly to see one child and you’re here making it out as if they abandoned you when they did what is natural, finding their way in the world independent of their parents.

Other parents would be happy not being “what about me”.

I would be happy and proud if these were my children.

It is a very bitter sweet message.

I feel for you OP, it must be difficult.
I speak to my mum pretty much daily.
Id feel really upset if I didn’t hear from my daughter when she’s older.

Id bet when they go on to have children(if they don’t already) you’ll hear from them more. It’ll be a treason for them to visit and vice versa.

Reason not treason 🙈

This is not the situation for everyone OP. I’m married with a child & still very close with my parents. My mum lives 4 hours away but I speak to her most days (FaceTime or call) & she comes to visit once a week so help with childcare. We also try to go and stay there for a long weekend every couple of months.

Is this really a warning to all Mums or an airing of emotional distress over your current situation?

What I find most interesting about this thread and similar ones is that anyone who goes against OP, and is on the side of children who have had to go NC with parents, gets piled on. The parents in the situation, despite claiming to not do anything to push their children away, retaliate with defense and offence and try to have these 'gotcha' moments. Not even to convince the commenters, but just to shout over them. "He who shouts the loudest" comes to mind. There's just no space in a thread like this for anyone to go against the OP. I get it, you post on here for other people in your situation to agree or sympathise. But you're just confirming everyone else's thoughts, and most likely reassuring a lot of now grown children that they did the right thing by going NC with their parents.

Wait, so your children didn’t ‘discard’ you? They just moved away for uni and work and have functional full independent lives?

This is…fine. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Completely normal.

I actually don’t have a relationship with my mum. It’s kinda her choice. I made the final decision, but it was only after years and years of trying to get her to have a normal healthy relationship with me, and only after she facilitated my children being potentially abused by a known paedophile. I haven’t seen or spoken to her in 3 years. She hasn’t seen her grandchildren in 6 years for obvious safeguarding reasons. She does not know where I live. I don’t know where she lives either. When she dies, there is no one to even tell me she died except her partner who wouldn’t out of spite because he’s a controlling jerk. This is what not having your adult children in your life looks like.

On the other hand, MIL lives an hour away and we see her about 5-6 times a year. She doesn’t invite us over (again partner won’t allow it), so we have to host her for the weekend and it’s hard to find free weekends that often. BIL sees her maybe twice a year, lives 6 hours away.

It sounds like you made your life all about your kids.

That’s not healthy for any of you.

Not true at all. I was very close to my Dad until he died when I was 40. If he was still here he would be sitting on my sofa right now having a cup of tea as he did most days

My Mother however Im no contact with because although she did all the things you've said and gave me the "best" shes a horrible person

My parents gave me cheap, small-scale birthday parties at home and we only ever had four foreign holidays (none to Disneyland, two only for long weekends). We remain in almost daily contact.

Unsurprisingly though spoiled children might tend to become spoiled grown-ups.

They sound totally spoilt OP