Warning to all mums

[ILoveHolidaysAbroad]

No matter how wonderful you make your children’s upbringings, they leave and never look back. I did it all for my kids, the best of everything, no expense spared, I worked very part time to be there with them, they had extravagant birthday parties and holidays to Disney land multiple times. Now they are adults and I hardly hear from them. No fall outs. But they just make their own new families and you become discarded.

I have not discarded my parents, nor has
my sister or either of our husbands. All
my friends and cousins are in regular contact with their parents.

It’s fair to say that you do need your own life outside of being a mum.

Op, your message isn't true for all mums.

I have two adult sons.
One has a partner the other split from his 6 months ago.
We see and hear from them loads during the week.
Dh is working on a project with ds2 in their spare time and ds1 joins in.

With ds1 me and dh go on long hikes at the weekend and during an evening in the week. He has two dogs and I have three so we do this all year round.
All 5 of of us go to quiz nights, meals out, the theatre, pub etc. Not always all of at the same time, but sometimes for a particular event.

Ds2 drives past our house on the way home from work and will often pop in for a brew. He won't always stop long mid week as he has a partner he has to get back to inless she is working away.

Both lads are buying their own home and have lived away from us for years. One left at 17 and came back for a few months and left again. Other son left at at 21 and started buying his home at 22.

Ds1 is the organiser and always making plans and ds2 is very prote time of me.

Op I'm not sure whats happeed that your kids dont stay in contact much, but do you reach out to them eg face time them and ask about their lives and sound excited and interested by what they are doing.

Ive reduced contact with my mum as for decades she will talk about herself in the phone and then say ' anyway, Ive got to go, glad you're ok' without even asking if im ok. She never calls me unless it's bad news. Its not a new thing she's been like this forever and still holds stupid things I did in my mid teen yeas against me ( im frigging 60!!!)

Op, im not saying you've done anything wrong but have you done any self reflection. Maybe youve got selfish children but are you sure you are not negative, critical or judgement of their choices. I know I always try to think before I speak, especially with one of them who reads too much into things I say sometimes.

There is literally nowhere in the world that costs 10k to visit. Even if she's gone to Australia/NZ you can get flights for £1500 each, probably less with advance planning and a couple of weeks in an Airbnb (assuming she's not got space to put you up) isn't costing 7 grand surely?

It sounds like you are busy and they are busy. What does your son say if you suggest meeting up for lunch or coffee?

I agree , my dh calls his dm every day almost. sees her at least 2x a week. My own df and his brothers spoke or saw their dm regularly. It's absolute nonsense that saying " a son is a son til he gets a wife". I see my parents regularly or speak on the phone I'm a parent to 2 adults now myself. I am also a young mum ish I don't expect that when they eventually move out that they need constant contact with me . Eldest is 24 all I want for them is to be independent and happy

My job as a mum was to enable my children to live without me (as they will have to when I'm gone). They are all managing this admirably, having their own lives and families. I still see as much of them as I want to (even the one in Australia) but we don't rely on constant contact. I am there for them as they are there for me, we all know that quietly.

I am happy that i have done my job and sent them out into the world without needing my approval or my presence in everything they do.

Where my partner has to be nagged to get in touch with his dad who lives 10 mins from him.

I think similarly.

I think one of the problems is, without detail as to what has happened, people project their own issues.

She might mean with two x airfares and accommodation.

I'm raising my kids so they can live an independent and successful life. I'd hate if they felt they had to live near us or were obliged to change their life plans to please us.
Having said that, I absolutely expect a relationship and keeping in touch. When that doesn't happen I think it's really tragic.

My DH sees his mum atleast twice per week. Si I guess it depends on the relationship.

So you haven't been "discarded", they are just being adults living busy lives. Why be so melodramatic about it? You did a good job raising independent adults. Be proud of yourself and go find some friends/hobbies/dates.

It is tough. But its only natural. You've done a good job and they are independent ... as they should be. Just keep the lines of communication open and stay positive whenever you talk to them, where possible. If you work everyday they probably think you're busy and fulfilled and don't need them ... which is good. I think people in their 20s probably don't think about their parents much. They'll probably think about you more as they get older.

I'll be honest reading the update, only seeing your son who lives 40 minutes away four times a year isn't normal at all. No matter how busy someone is, I can't forsee any reason why if someone has good relationships with their children, they would only see them four times a year when they live close by.

My grandmother and all my extended family (aunties/uncles and cousins) all lived 3 hours away and we saw them at least once a month/every six weeks growing up. My own BIL also lives the same distance and us and his mum see them a lot more than four times a year.

I'm thinking something is amiss here and we're only getting one side of the story.

Well given that you work seven days a week, it’s not surprising you don’t see them much!

And one lives abroad?

Mine are 25 and 28 and live about 90-120 minutes away from me. We message each other several times a week. I see each of them at least every eight weeks.

They are busy, I am busy. I don’t feel remotely discarded.

We have a family WhatsApp group where we all post funny memes, stories about what we’re doing and general bits of gossip. I only saw my daughter (27) about 4 times last year and she did not come home for Christmas but as long we we touch base every now and then we’re all happy. She’s busy, her career is on an upward trajectory and we live in a very boring place.

I speak to my DM almost daily and see her atleast a couple of times a month.

My eldest 32 moved back in with me after a period abroad and my youngest 25 visits every few days with his partner, most families I know have similar relationships

We give our children "wings to fly, and a nest to come home to." Did you tend to go on a lot to your kids about how much you were giving them? I provided perfectly adequately for mine but never equated gifts and treats with love, or saw it as transactional. I have never given what I can't afford, and I don't demand gratitude in any form - I'm their mum, it goes with the territory. And we remain close although they're adults now. So please don't give "warnings" that are true for yourself but not for most of us.

I know what you mean. I have a little one but already remind myself that their presence is fleeting, and they will eventually leave. I think I will be happier and feel relieved when I see them living their own independent lives. I've realised that my love for them is non-transactional. Within my capacity, I will be there when my child needs me. I think I will feel sad when they leave, but I am preparing for that day, knowing that my life and well-being are as important as theirs, regardless of the happiness I feel when they are around.

I'd hardly call this being 'discarded'.

You can't see your son much because you work seven days a week. It's normal and fine for him to live in his university town, or anywhere else he chooses.

You can't see your daughter because she lives overseas. She hasn't 'discarded' you. She's made a totally reasonable choice to emigrate. Good for her.

It's normal for adults to lead their own lives and make their own way in the world. Just because they don't live on your doorstep, that doesn't mean they've 'discarded' you.

Your post seems to be suggesting that you expect them never to move away from you because you took them to Disneyland. Sorry, but that really isn't how life works and it would be weird to expect adults to stay in their mum's pocket forever because she threw money at their childhoods. You just sound like you're guilt-tripping them.

Speaking as someone with a young family and who works full time: life is just really busy! Monday to Friday is manic, and we are at the stage where there seems to be a birthday party almost every weekend. I know it won’t always be like this, but right now we are just trying to stay afloat.

While your daughter moving abroad is a challenge, it doesn't mean you've been "discarded".

The story about your son is depressingly familiar - from the child's POV.

My mother regularly complains about how much she misses us and how she doesn't see us.

She never invites us to anything, and when she's invited to something she's always "too busy".

This summer I was celebrating something - not huge, but I wanted to go out. Organised a lunch with partner, brother, and mother. Mother all very excited, can't wait, so long since I've seen you etc etc.

Four days before, she cancels. Because, and I shit you not, the landscapers are coming and she has to decide where some shrubs are going. All very important, simply impossible to rearrange or to leave to her husband to decide.

Since she remarried after dad died, she's left and never looked back. She'll complain no end about how she never sees us, but won't actually bother herself to see us.

Its sad, but to be honest I've checked out.

So it sounds like you haven't really been discarded - you seem to be less available than them if you are working 7 days a week. How would additional contact work?

You need to decide what level of contact you want. If you work 7 days/week and your daughter lives abroad then in person contact will be tricky. Do you call her? Video calls?

With your son have you suggested meeting for coffee or perhaps Sunday lunch/dinner once a month

Kindly I think you are being ridiculous.My DS is in his 30s and has got married to a lovely girl .We see them every few weeks .I was a SAHM and we had days out Chessington/ Thorpe park /holidays UK mostly ,but managed Disneyland and Europe a couple of times . I dont feel "discarded" at all! They say in the Bible "For everything there is a season" .Time to be born ,to live to die" ,I have a dog,/ friends /a life a s well! Its your season now .; join a club .get a doggy .whatever .drive to NT or the beach /beauty spots see friends . I am in remission from Ovarian Cancer ,you need to grab every waking moment!