Warning to all mums

[ILoveHolidaysAbroad]

No matter how wonderful you make your children’s upbringings, they leave and never look back. I did it all for my kids, the best of everything, no expense spared, I worked very part time to be there with them, they had extravagant birthday parties and holidays to Disney land multiple times. Now they are adults and I hardly hear from them. No fall outs. But they just make their own new families and you become discarded.

Sorry you are feeling this way. There is another thread about MIL coming to stay once a month and everyone was telling the OP that she needs to cut this as it's unacceptable. So yeah I guess a lot of people do think that seeing parents 4 times a year is sufficient.

Sorry that you’re feeling upset but I think raising independent adults is a credit to you and to try and reframe how you look at it. Easier said than done I know. Your kids will always be grateful for all you’ve done for them but it is natural for them to step away into their own lives now, as they are independent. You can be so proud of the people you raised.
On the other hand, I know of a family with a son in mid-30s whom has never worked and has only ever lived at home. His life is small & sad, and he is very disrespectful of his parents. He takes living there rent free for granted & leaves a mess everywhere. They still do everything for him - laundry, cooking, cleaning, the lot. I’m sure it’s not how they imagined the early days of their retirement to be! They’ve worry what will happen to him when they’re gone.

I left home, had a horrible upbringing and bad childhood and I still talk to my mum. I text her everyday and go around hers regularly. I’d live to hear your kids side of the story because adult kids usually don’t cut off their mum or go low contact for no reason.

I'm 36 and talk to my mum everyday 😆

Moral of the story is that if you bring your children up to believe that the world revolves around them and do everything to make life easier for them, they will believe their needs always come first and will consider you less. Hopefully as they mature more they may appreciate what you have done for them. There’s a balance to be struck between supporting and helping your kids, while also helping them to understand they are not the only members of the family.

”They still do everything for him - laundry, cooking, cleaning, the lot.”

Well then they are part of the problem. If they keep doing this and allowing his disrespect, mess and taking them for granted it will continue. Time to tell him to do his own washing and cooking, stop cleaning up his mess etc.

To me that sounds like you gave them a lovely childhood, but the whole point of parenting is to rear strong independent adults , who can survive and thrive on their own .

I was away to post something similar to this but this is much better put! I'm not saying this is you OP, but too often you see mums on here, compeltey martyr themselves, drop all their friends, have no life outside their children and devote all their energy, time and do everything for their children. They then pop up on the teenager board, bewildered and moaning they're lonely because their teenagers would rather spend time with their friends.

I'm not saying it's normal to not speak to your parents. In fact me and my husband see and speak to our parents several times a week. But I'm not sure what's happened in your case but quite often children have become completely suffocated by their parents and need their own space and life.

Id rather my kids had and enjoyed their own lives. Id obviously like them to chat and see me as I'll miss them. They didn't have flash birthday parties and have never been to Disneyland but I don't expect repayment. You say a lot about how much cash you spent on them. Maybe they think money is love so are busy trying to make some.

I sympathise with you OP but my mum is mentally unstable (through no fault or choice of her own) so for myself and my siblings there is a reason to keep a cordial distance. Extravagant holidays and parties do not a happy child make. My parents also took us on holidays. But that doesn't make up for my mum's mental health issues and excessively controlling behaviour.

Nope. My mum was my best friend until she died 2 years ago. I spoke to her every day and saw her most weekends.

Just because it is happened to you like that, it does not mean that is the norm, as proven by many other posters.
You must have done something really wrong for them to not to want be near you. Things always happen for a reason.
The fact that your are unable to identify what that might have been, seems to indicate there may be some mental health issues at play. You need help urgently before things get worse.

Did you read a different OP to me? She said there had not been and fall out and she hardly heard from them NOT them not wanting to be near her.

All these people saying they are talking to their mums every 5 mins, well yes you are the DDs. How many of your husbands and partners are ringing their mums daily etc? I suspect the percentage is must lower. My DDs often ring or WhatsApp with little snippets, my DS only to ask a question rather than just chat.. Maybe the OP has sons

No problem in relationship with any of them

Although to be honest although I got on very well with my mum I didn't have time to be ringing her everyday ( what we would talk about so often I don't know ) . She wasn't " discarded" merely the relationship had moved to 2 adults rather than adult/ child

If your children don’t leave and become independent functioning adults then you have done something wrong. Sorry OP but that’s just the way of it - did you think it would be any different? Do you make a lot of effort with them? Are you quite demanding of their time? There is always two sides to every story

I guess the cruel irony is that as our kids grow up and spread their wings they need us less when we actually start to need them more.

If they’re creating good lives for themselves and are happy and fulfilled, job done. You have to learn to take a step back.

My brother ‘gravitated back’ to my parents every week for a roast 😂. Now we are both married with kids we are as close as ever. Spend holidays all together, weekends, activities. Can’t imagine either of us abandoning our parents.

This is a really helpful and supportive response.

Now that sounds a bit insular tbh. How do your partners feel with having to spend so much time with in laws

Well I'm not the poster you're replying to but I absolutely adore my in laws and we spend loads of time with them. I actually suggest seeing them / inviting them to stuff more than my DH does. But I don't see it as any different as spending time with my own family or good friends?! They're just people who I love and get on with and enjoy being around 😊

No, it doesnt happen to everyone.

Im in my 40s, have my own family and live 150 miles away from my mum (and dad). She is my best friend and I see them and speak to her as often as I can. My brothers are the same - moved away but still see them as often as possible and speak several times a week on the phone. We choose to holiday together, spend Christmases together. Both of my sister in laws are close to ther parents as well.

My husband, however, rarely sees or speak to his parents - and that's because they aren't very nice people

I am sorry this has happened to you but it doesnt happen to everyone

And also - my parents didnt prioritise extravagant holidays, never been to Disney, never had fancy birthday parties. In fact, quite the opposite. A very very normal, low income childhood.

My husband and his brother speak to their mum several times a week and we see them at least once. My own brother is in frequent contact with my mum and sees her often and when my grandmother was alive both my dad and his brother were very close to her. Honestly it's just stereotypical nonsense that boys and men drop their mum as soon as they grow up.

We're only hearing one side of the story here. It may be well from the OPs view point nothing has happened but her DC may well have a different view point.

Just catching up on comments. So to answer a few questions...they are 27 & 29 years old. I am a young Mum, I was 45/46 when they left for Uni. Son has never been back and settled in his Uni town, which is just 40 minutes away. I do go to see him when I'm not working, but I work 7 days a week usually in my own business. I maybe see him 4 times a year. He has a very busy social life. Daughter came back after Uni for a year, which was lovely. Then she moved abroad and is still abroad. Me and DH have visited twice. It's long haul and incredibly expensive, so not something we could afford every year (costs £10k each time).

Well I see my DM regularly and my young adult DCs phone me most days.