Warning to all mums

[ILoveHolidaysAbroad]

No matter how wonderful you make your children’s upbringings, they leave and never look back. I did it all for my kids, the best of everything, no expense spared, I worked very part time to be there with them, they had extravagant birthday parties and holidays to Disney land multiple times. Now they are adults and I hardly hear from them. No fall outs. But they just make their own new families and you become discarded.

As they should. They are not discarding you, they are growing up. Never make your life just your husband and your children. You need to have a life outside the home and keep your career wherever possible or build a new one. They still love you. They are young adults and building their own lives.

There's a difference between kids growing up and rarely hearing from them, though. I'm sure most parents on here would find that upsetting.

I hate to think of how hurt OP must have been to the responses to her on this thread. She was clearly feeling low.

That sounds really tough. I think a lot of parents feel the same once their kids grow up. They still love you, but they get busy with their own lives and families. It doesn’t mean they’ve forgotten you. You did a lot for them, and that still matters — they’ll probably realise it more as they get older.

A parent has done their job right if a child turns into a confident adult, who goes out into the world and is no longer dependent on their parents. To look at it another way.

You have them possessions and experiences , did you talk to them?

This is a really unfair message. I’m sure this does happen to innocent parents who did nothing but their best .. but it’s definitely not the majority.

I'm so sorry OP. It must be difficult if you feel you gave so much, but are not getting much back.

If there is no fall out, they might just be busy with their lives - work, kids, managing a home etc. It all feels so much harder for younger people now. If you want to be a part of their lives, you might see if you can (or want) to offer support or fit in with what they are already doing e.g. take grandkids out for a few hours and build relationships with them, cook a meal. It might seem one sided, but you might have time right now which they don't.

My mum's life is very different to mine. She has rarely worked, is financially secure etc. She wants a lot of contact and really struggles with understanding the fact her kids are very very busy just trying to stay afloat!

The OP doesn’t need to know what wonderful relationships posters have with their parents. It may be ‘honest’ but it’s unlikely to be helpful to her as she’s obviously suffering and in a lot of emotional pain

i haven’t read every post as there are so many, but it would certainly be helpful to have more information from the OP about the situation. Are her children sons, daughters or a mixture? If her children are daughters then hers is a less usual situation as so many of these posts reflect. Sons are often more likely to have reduced contact as they build their own family units unless their wife or partner is supportive,
and actively encourages them to do so.

Not in my experience and my oldest is 31. He is more likely to ring me and he and his fiancee visit whenever they can. I'd say he rings once a fortnight. And then you add in the others, it's a lot of calls. We have a family chatgroup as well Same with my 20somethings. xmas there's 10 of us. I obviously understand that they will start doing alternate xmas's but that's no problem. I'll probably snore happily through the whole thing when it's "not my year" with the xmas movies on and sip Baileys!.
Oh and my 4 are all sons.Total loves of my life, but we moved 2 hours away, they didn't. We've had huge parties here, they can call in when they are heading home ( one does a lot of camping). They ring if I've had a medical appt to check on the results. I adore all their GF's. It's worked out really well here, but we did have a psychotic gf for a while which almost blew my family apart and I was close to discarding that son if he didn't get rid of her. He eventually did ( not because of me) and has a baby with a lovely woman now . She texts me tbh almost too frequently , but they are normally photos of my gorgeous grandbaby so I make time.
No complaints here. Sons are the best, in my admittedly limited experience, for keeping up with whats going on with mum. I know a lot of women who are not close to their mums at all but very few men who aren't close to their mums. Just my experience

I feel the op is really quite sad and upset yet so many posts telling her how great their relationship is with their mum- give her a break!

Sorry , hadn't read the full thread. Assumed it was the usual pile on about sons not loving their mothers ( though they do and then they are called mumm'ys boys by their wives). Can't win .Sorry if things aren't going well with your family OP.
Maybe try to set up a tradition - like xmas in July ( that's an Aussie one ) but something like that where you all get together for a few days once a year?

You haven’t said if your kids are men/ women. I think this is particularly true with sons, in fact there’s a saying that’s been around for years and years! A son is a son until he takes a wife; a daughter is a daughter all her life.

Mumsnet hates this saying and I expect an influx of how ridiculous and untrue it is. Of course not always the case but I think there’s a lot of truth to it. But most children , including daughters do fly the nest and do become busy with their own lives. There will probably be times they need you more and other times they need you less.

Did you read my previous replies? 😁

I remember that post from a mum who was so upset her 30 yo children didnt invite her over for their Halloween party and how she initially planned to just turn up, among other posts.

Maybe your children are ungrateful, or maybe they were feeling suffocated, or maybe you are overdramatising they made choices you dont approve of to live their own lives. Or maybe something in between, we will never know.

It’s our job as parents to ensure our children can grow up and leave us. I’m sure my mum would like me still to be living at home - but nope, I knew at 20 I had to go. Don’t trash your life for children knowing they are inevitably going to leave.

Our children should leave and have fulfilled lives. I’m sure you haven’t been discarded just needed less. That’s life.

You seem to have confused giving children material things with what they really need.

I’m 35 and we’re currently living with my parents for a few months while our house gets renovated. We see them most days usually too.

I think it's a bad idea to bring children up in the hope that they'll always 'belong' to you. It's a good sign if they are independent. You can let them know you'd like to see them or hear from them more than you do but you can't demand it.

Absolutely no abuse! If anything I was far too soft. I can only remember shouting once when my son did something so dangerous he could have died. It really was a great childhood. There would be no point in this post if otherwise, because then the lack of contact would make sense. You will just have to take my word on this. My daughter did come back home for a year after Uni and I even spoiled her then- did her washing, made her lunches, ran her to work and picked her up etc. She said then how grateful she was for everything I did to make her life easier. As I said previously we haven’t fallen out or anything, they are just busy with their own lives.

You’ll see them again when the grandchildren arrive!!

Do you mean you NRVER see or hear from them OP?

Sorry that you are going through such a shit time and have also had so many unkind responses xx

My stepson and his girlfriend are cheerfully living with his mum and see them a lot. So no, not all.

Yes, MN is the worst place for anyone to go if they feel low.