Do you know an alcoholic? What has happened to them?

[BottleDown]

My partner of 5 years is an alcoholic. We have a young child. I am making plans to leave, but it’s absolutely heartbreaking.

If there’s an alcoholic in your life, what has happened to them?

Good friend went to AA and got sober, 15 years now. Good friends brother, didn’t get sober and died aged 50. It is a recognised fact that an alcoholic on average dies up to 25 years earlier than a non alcoholic.

My first husband.

I divorced him, he never hit rock bottom until he died aged 39. His eyes were yellow.

I do not regret divorcing him. I regret that he couldn't save himself. Al-Anon helped me see that even if he got "sober" the best I could ever hope for was years on edge that he'd relapse again.

I am so very sorry for your situation. It is a terrible, terrible illness and the only person that can leave this self destructive path is the person on it. Wishing you and your family strength xx

I'd lost touch with my alcoholic best friend when we moved to Northumberland. I'd phone her regularly at first, in the days when long distance calls were expensive. She'd nearly always be drunk, and put the phone down and wander off. My husband got annoyed at how large our phone bill was and I started putting a note in her birthday/christmas card instead. She started drinking aged 21 in 1978 when she got jilted the week before the wedding. Her Mum and Dad didn't cope well with it and it was a very public display of returning all the gifts/bridesmaid dresses etc. She spent two weeks in her bedroom drinking. I don't remember being much help, sadly.

In 2011 I found out on Facebook she'd died in December 2009 aged 52 - her Mum hadn't let anyone know. She left an 8 year old daughter, with her 74 year old Mum, her Dad was a lot older, had dementia and died shortly afterwards. I went down to see her Mum and she showed me a photo of my friend - I could hardly recognise her. Her face was very puffy and bloated, she looked so ill.

I felt guilty and upset for a very long time, but eventually realised if she couldn't stop drinking when her Mum begged her, she wouldn't have for me. Her Mum used to get phone calls from my friend's boss asking her to come and collect her as she was drunk at work :( She didn't drive, so had to get taxis. I still ring her Mum on my friend's birthday, she likes to talk about her.

I was so sorry to lose contact and wouldn't ever do it again because of the cost of the 'phone bill', I should have written regularly. I wonder how my life would have turned out if she'd still been around.

My exh and father of my children was an alcoholic died at 40 years old due to his drinking. Not before he lost us everything including our home and left me in a lot of debt.
His children all teenagers at the time have been destroyed and it left them with huge mental scars through their lives and unanswered questions.
I stayed way to long because I loved him and believed his lies and empty promises. Dont make the same mistake x

You are doing the right thing by ending things OP. Alcoholics are nasty, deceitful people. I know I was an active alcoholic, sober 5 years now. He can't change until he is ready, protect your child.

Why is he blaming you OP? How is his alcohol addiction your fault? (Until he can take ownership of his problem, he'll never be able to start his recovery.)
We had a very old friend who had a drink problem. He always drank to excess in his 20s, but was amiable. Then the drink got the better of him and he could turn nasty with his wife (more verbal than physical). He was a functioning alcoholic in that he was extremely good at his job and never went sick because of drink, but his marriage broke down (his wife came to hate him) and he was estranged from his children. He died at 61 - his landlady found him dead in his room. His life could have been so different and we all thought what a terrible waste when he could now be happily retired.

Ok just remember another relative who stopped drinking. His family realized later the drinking was probably do to his experiences at war, but he did manage to give it up.

I know an alcoholic and his wife divorced him because of it. He was dead within 2 years.

Yes it does sound like he is not committed to recovery. Particularly the lying - that's absolutely not on.

Without knowing the ins and outs of your situation, maybe separating is best.

That way, if he does stop drinking you can revisit your relationship when he has regained your trust and proved himself. If he doesn't, then you have saved yourself the heartache of staying and waiting for him to change.

I don't know if rehab is available to you, but they can be lifesavers. However if the person is not ready, you may as well make a bonfire with £50 notes.

Most important is to put yourself first, and leave if you have to. I feel for you, it's an incredibly tough situation.

Sorry for the recent death of your brother 😔

This is what "they" do, it's everybody else's fault, they take no responsibility for themselves Then there's the pathetic self pity. Then there's the guilt they feel when they remember flashes of treating everyone like shit and so the cycle perpetuates and so on and so on and before you know it you'll be 50 with a fucked up dc and your mental health in tatters.
LEAVE, THERE IS NOTHING, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO HELP HIM

I’ve known/know plenty. Mostly a health scare stopped them drinking (heart murmur, liver fibrosis, injured after a fall) in their thirties. Those who continued drinking all carried on to(wards) death.
Two died terrible deaths of liver failure, witnessed by their families. It takes weeks to die. One 55, the other 75. Another from DVT (52), another a drug overdose (55).
My former manager was a functioning alcoholic, pissed his job away and looks like he won’t last to 55.

My experience is you cannot help an alcoholic, they need to help themselves. You can lead a horse to water….
Most are supremely selfish, and manipulative, and will bring everyone around them down with them.

I've just twigged the part that he is blaming you.

Now i just say - Leave!
It sounds like he is an unreasonable and possibly abusive person, not just an alcoholic

Of course it is NOT an AA term,it is a medical diagnosis! I am an alcoholic sober over 22years.I doubt you are one if you only “suppose” you were one,believe me there is a big difference between an alcoholic and a heavy drinker,which is what you most likely were.

Few alcoholics find long term recovery,I mean over 10years.I once stopped drinking for 3 years,but drank again.AA was what worked for me and continues to do so.

OP carry on making plans to leave your partner,it is hell on earth to live with an alcoholic.If you asked my family they would tell you how it was for them.Luckily for me I have wonderful relationships with all of them today.But it took several years for them to trust me.

Hiding this thread now as I am not getting into a debate about AA.

My alcoholic father killed himself

Yes. My ex husband is an alcoholic and nobody can work out why he’s still alive….
also my current partner (no I don’t go looking for them) who has had a problem for 8 years since stopping a high profile career and now goes on monthly benders where he drinks a litre or more or neat vodka per day. I’ve tried so hard but getting really sick of it as although he’s a gorgeous human sober, he’s very unpleasant when drunk. I have refused to live together and feel increasingly like I won’t be able to cope unless he stops. He’s gone 7 months sober once. It’s the hardest thing, watching someone you love doing this to themselves. He’s done AA, rehab, counselling- nothing has worked. There are no kids thankfully, and I have been teetotal my whole life!

My Dad - he occasionally gave up but mostly he drank a huge amount of whiskey, he got diabetes - that was painful, eventually he realised whiskey made the pain worse and he stopped drinking a year before he died aged 87.
My Mum gave up when she was about 60 - without a mention to anyone, she gave up smoking at 87, she's 93 now and looking healthier that she's entitled to.
My friend's brother died of liver damage at age 42.

I'm so sorry.

Too many unfortunately and all are dead now except one who unfortunately looks heading exactly the same way.

Don't drain yourself trying or hoping for change. No matter what you try, it will won't work.

You've zero control over it and the only think that makes an alcoholic recover is themselves. Unfortunately, most can't reach that decision. I have the utmost respect for the rare few who manage to turn it around, it's not easy.

A girl similar age to me, lived on our street. Did the usual teenage stuff sneaking out bottles of wine to drink with friends. Friends grew up and stopped. She didnt.
Died of liver disease in her 30s.
My mums friend's daughter. Had a great job, fantastic lifestyle. Met an alcoholic, fell in love with him. She ended up the same, died in her 50s
My sister. Long term alcoholic. Age 50s. Refuses to seek help. Will probably become homeless quite soon. Prognosis: probably death sitting outside a train station begging.
My former work colleague. Chronic alcoholic. Failed rehab once. Partner threatened to end the marriage.
Went to rehab again. Now 10 years sober x

A relative died at 36, another in their early fifties. A friend recently died aged 59.

He died. He was 37 and had a 3 year old son

Over 50-odd years, there have been a lot of them either through school, socially or through work.

1. Forced to retire after having a temper tantrum during routine surgery which resulted in the patient needing lifesaving surgery. Died within the year, facedown in a pile of empties, aged 62. Never admitted it.
2. Keeled over with a severe stroke aged 47. Life support removed five weeks later. Four kids aged from 10 to 16. Never admitted it.
3. Went from average looking man in early middle age to bloated, pallid and confused in the course of a week. Died of sepsis after 3 weeks in HDU aged 42 due to not getting an injury caused by falling over cleaned or treated. Said he knew it but didn't want to stop.
4. Died in her flat and not found for three weeks after she fell out of her wheelchair and couldn't call for help. Her drinking buddies only did something about it when she didn't turn up at the pub on the day her benefits came in when she'd buy them all drinks until the money ran out. Was a miracle she hadn't been killed on the way home from the pub before due to weaving all over the road on her mobility scooter. Possibly an element of choice because she had been diagnosed with MS and didn't see the point of not drinking.
5. Ran out of money and died of withdrawal seizures. Was about 56. Never admitted it.
6. Fell over, huge cut in head, left hospital without being treated because his wife refused to smuggle in vodka and told the staff that he was an alcoholic so that they could ensure he didn't develop delerium tremens. Went to off licence instead of going home, found dead a few days later at a mate's house when the mate had been arrested for being drunk and disorderly. Never admitted it.
7. Haven't a clue. If still alive, is probably either being treated for dementia or has found somebody else to leech from whilst waiting for a liver transplant. Would be 58 now, had cirrhosis diagnosed aged 47. Never admitted it unless it was to bully somebody into buying him alcohol, 'I'll die if you don't' and attributed it all to women cheating on him (they didn't) or if that didn't get sympathy, because his childhood friend died at 14 from a heroin overdose. Would also threaten to break into houses to get money to buy heroin if he wasn't bought alcohol. Last seen being thrown head first out of his ex girlfriend's house because he'd come round expecting to move back in once he staged a fake suicide attempt, having given up his flat in anticipation of her falling for his emotional terrorism. Her last words to him before launching him out the front door were 'If you're going to do that, you're not doing it on my fucking laminate'.
8. Still alive, still going from one relationship to another when he gets violent, has been cut off by his daughter after he turned on her whilst drunk and told her how pathetic and stupid a failure she was (she wasn't), will probably keel over from stroke, heart attack or by road raging himself into a ditch somewhere. Is 52. Claims that women are the source of all his problems and that he is forced to drink himself stupid every night because if he didn't, he'd have to batter them. Will never admit it.
9. Died of lung cancer aged 36, her infant granddaughter beside her. She hadn't gone to the doctor about symptoms because 'they'll only tell me to stop drinking and smoking'.
10. Liver failure aged 26. First sign of problems was turning luminous yellow. Told his Mum that he'd taken four paracetamol because 'the doctor had said it would be alright'.
11. Got into a fight. 32 and had 5 kids. Never admitted it.
12. Don't know. Was the driver when a friend was killed as he was driving drunk. Last heard of using this as mitigating circumstances for a fraud prosecution.
13. Ended his life a couple of years after killing his little sister driving drunk.
14. Undiagnosed autistic. Would drink to excess when disregulated, spiralled over 6 months or so and slapped his girlfriend once when she had called an ambulance because his breathing had been so shallow, she thought he was going to die. Was carted off to hospital and received a banana bag drip and a massive bollocking from the consultant once he sobered up, followed by an even bigger one from the girlfriend when he went home. Had no memory of hitting her. Was so horrified at himself, he attended a local drugs and alcohol project two days later, tailed off the alcohol slowly and is still sober 14 years later.

As you can see, the last one is a true exception to the rule. Apart from the hurt caused to others, that is.

Don't let yourself be guilted into staying in this situation.

My step father, Died suddenly on holiday, felt ill went to bed and was found dead by my mother in the morning, his liver had given up, his mouth was full of blood He'd just turned 60.

OP there's a whole section of MN where there's loads of ongoing talk and support

Talk Subject - Health
Sub section - Alcohol Support

Come on over x