Do you know an alcoholic? What has happened to them?

[BottleDown]

My partner of 5 years is an alcoholic. We have a young child. I am making plans to leave, but it’s absolutely heartbreaking.

If there’s an alcoholic in your life, what has happened to them?

He recognises it and has been going to AA on and off for six months, but he’s still drinking and lying to me, even if it is less than before.

He has a sponsor but I know he is delaying on starting, and he hasn’t read the books despite having them for months.

He’s also blaming me and everything else still. I don’t think he genuinely is ready to stop.

Shake my family tree and they fall out from every branch! Their health ranges from sober and turned their life around, to still drinking heavily in their 80s after multiple bouts of cancer and widespread family estrangement. The most important thing is getting support for you. Al-Anon has online meetings via Zoom, bulletin board meetings (similar format to MN), even phone meetings. I hear you on not wanting to leave your little one with your husband, but there are lots of alternatives. The alcoholics make it or they don’t, but you deserve to live the best life you can.

An ex friend of mine from many years ago. Lost jobs, friends and family because of it. Now living alone on benefits. Still drinking.

I married a man in his early 20s who drank heavily. He developed MS; he became a severe alcoholic and had to be hospitalised etc. When he was drunk by 10am on our 37th wedding anniversary, I began divorce proceedings. He then drank himself to death. He was 60 by then. It is a very, very long time to tell yourself that surely he will stop. @BottleDown I still don't know if my staying enabled him to go on living, or to go on drinking. I know it blighted our only daughter's childhood. I send you very best wishes.

It was painful. I couldn't do to my child, what my father did to me, though.

I knew 2

My mum. Died aged 65 when I was in my 30s. She drank quite a lot as long as I can remember but held it together when she worked. She retired aged 51 and moved abroad with her husband (my Stepdad - the other alcoholic I know) and that’s when the drinking really ramped up. Nothing really to do when you’re not working and alcohol is so cheap. Drinking started at midday (having only got up at about 11am). Wine (large glasses) with lunch. G&Ts early evening. More wine with dinner. Scotch after dinner. Never travelled without a bottle of scotch in her handbag. That would last about 2-3 days. Probably got through a bottle or more of wine a day plus a couple of G&Ts.

It really changed her personality in the last five years or so. She couldn’t remember what she’d said. She could turn nasty quite quickly. She was full of barbed comments born of resentment. She would often make a scene. She was never like that before!

She died very quickly from a syndrome where the nervous system starts to shut down. Apparently there were a few signs earlier on (which she ignored and of course she rarely saw a doctor). But from my step dads initial phone call to me to say mum isn’t well but it’s OK, no need to fly over, to her dying bf was 20 days. (She was not OK, her organs were failing and her brain was shutting down, and of course we did fly over but there was nothing we could do). She was in hospital for about six days and then she died in the night. She was terrified. It broke my heart.

Remarkably my stepdad is still alive and although a chain smoker and older than my mum, he so far has outlived her by 9 years. He’s managed to quit the drink! Which is amazing. But he’s heartbroken and is so lonely without her. They loved each other very much but legitimised each others terrible drinking.

My sister, died at 49. Burst brain aneurysm. Was probably 'functioning' for a long time, but I was young and no real idea but was getting increasingly obvious. Relationships where breaking down with everyone including her daughter.

My uncle is recovering 55. Had a couple of falters. But currently doing well. But can't hold down a relationship. It's boring and never stops talking self obsessed. But has also got ACEs which could potentially be considering a factor in predisposing him to it. Now channels his energy and drinking money into mountain biking.

I'm mad at my sister still and its been 9 years.

One was my partner we've been together 11 years and 6 months. He was an alcoholic before I met him, he hid it very well. He's been sober for 10 years and 4 months.

Hi,

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I’m a nurse who specialises in addictions, particularly drugs and alcohol, and I’ve seen a wide range of outcomes.

Some people do recover and go on to live full, meaningful lives. Others manage periods of recovery but find themselves caught in a difficult cycle of lapses and relapses. Sadly, that kind of instability can be very hard for a child to grow up around and for a partner to live through.

There are also those who struggle to stop drinking at all, even with detoxes, medication, and support. And sometimes, people substitute one addiction for another, stopping alcohol but turning to painkillers, other substances, or behaviours like gambling.

What I’ve learned over the years is that addiction is not a reflection of how much someone loves their family. It’s about how much pain they carry within themselves. Recovery only happens when that person makes the decision to seek it, no one else can do that for them.

There is support available. The NHS offers alcohol detox programmes, both inpatient and home-based (depending on the person’s circumstances and what’s safe). Drug and alcohol nurses like myself work alongside patients and their families through every stage of that process.

One important thing I always remind people is that alcohol should never be stopped suddenly without medical guidance, it can be very dangerous. A safe, gradual reduction plan is essential to avoid serious withdrawal symptoms.

I know this might not have been exactly what you were asking, but I want to be honest, living with someone who is dependent on alcohol can slowly take away everything that makes you you. It can drain your finances, your patience, your peace of mind, your confidence, and it can deeply affect your child, exposing them to instability and trauma that can last a lifetime.

As painful as this situation is, you are making a loving and responsible decision for your child. If your partner chooses not to seek help, the situation is, unfortunately, unlikely to improve on its own.

I have known people who lost their families due to alcohol but, through support, treatment, and time, found their way back, sometimes not as a partner again, but as part of the family in a healthier way. Recovery is always possible, but it has to begin with the person themselves.

I really do wish you nothing but the best whilst you go through this, if you reach out to your GP they will be able to provide you with some support for you too.

I don't know where you are from but below is a link for support for yourself if you live UK - https://www.wearewithyou.org.uk

If you are in Scotland let me know and I know several resources to support you as the partner of someone with addiction issues (they are confidential) xx

Both died early 60s ☹️

My son has a dual diagnosis: schizophrenia and alcoholism. He's 23. He was in a residential rehab facility for 10 months and managed to remain dry for 6 of those months. He left rehab in May and has had frequent relapses since then, including today. He lives with me.

So we split when they were just babies, just 1 year. So i protected them a lot from when he was drinking and avoided him having them so they didnt experience all that. That said, when he got sober etc, they saw him more. However they did say recently that they didnt know what i was like to have a proper dad.

Honestly, OP...
I typed a depressing list of the alcoholics I've known, and realised that half them were dead by 65, another third dried out, and only one is boozing merrily into old age.

If he's lying to you, leave.

Easier said than done, I know, but dealing with an alcoholic is a special kind of hell.

My ex husband. Didn't drink much at all when we met (at university, when pretty much everyone drank more than him) but went downhill after a close family bereavement and things falling apart with work. I stayed much longer than I should have done. Our daughter was about two when I realised the drinking was becoming a real problem and I almost left soon after, but ended up clinging on and got into a cycle of hoping things would get better, seizing on slight and sporadic improvements, and then basically just existing through the bad times. By the time I left (when our daughter was 10) he was drinking daily, usually from the morning onwards, and without going into too much detail, life was chaotic and very difficult.

The crucial thing to remember is that it is a progressive disease. Unless he stops entirely, it will get worse. It did for my ex - much much worse - despite him being in and out of AA for many years. He now lives alone in accommodation that I bought him, but he's clinging on by his fingernails, still drinking and clearly very unhappy, in and out of hospital, and pretty much making the wrong decisions at every turn. I have no idea how he's still alive to be honest, but he seems to keep bouncing back; he's mid-40s now. I do feel guilty as I know his life is harder now than when we were together, but ultimately I had to put myself and my daughter first. I know how hard it is to make the decision to cut those ties, but believe me, your life will be much better afterwards, despite the guilt. I met my new partner a few months after the divorce was finalised (which sounds quick, but I'd been through a long and painful period of emotional detachment for years before that) and have been with him two and a half years now, and the difference is incredible. It's not that my ex was a bad person or that we didn't care about each other, but you just can't have a proper functional loving relationship with an alcoholic. It's not possible. I will always be grateful that I got out and gave myself the chance to be happy.

My brother - alcoholic most of his life since about 16. He is now 47 and in full time residential due to wernicke korsakoff syndrome. Not able to live independently, short term memory is completely gone and he will never leave care. He has been sober ( not by choice) for 3 years

My uncle, literally hit the stereotype of vodka on his corn flakes, died in his late 50s. His brother, addicted to various substances, died in his 60s. My mother, drinks to the point of being shitfaced every night and seems reasonably healthy for her age, nearly 90. I gave up trying to prevent her drinking decades ago. Me and my sister moved far away from her.

My dad (if you can call him that) is an alcoholic, the best thing my mum did was leave him, she gave him chance after chance but he could never give up the booze, not even for his family.
I'm grown up now, and I refuse to have anything to do with him and I don't want my children around him!

This isn't your responsibility to 'fix' him, the best thing you can do for your child is put them first :)

My boys dad, dead at 37, leaving 2 boys 5&7.
It was an awful few years before his death.
Leave, there is absolutely nothing you can do to help him. Protect yourself and dc.
🫂

Aunt, Uncle and Cousin - If ever there was a textbook toxic marriage this was it. Both loathed the other, as soon as Cousin was conceived they led separate lives in the same house. Uncle is dead, Aunt is a poisonous old bitch. Cousin is now in his 50s and is screwed up, arrogant and deeply unpleasant to be around (not surprising really)

Ex boyfriend - dead by 40, he was in hundreds of thousands of pounds worth of debt. His drinking and gambling and occasional drug use destroyed his relationship with his children. He blamed everyone else for everything that was wrong in his life.

Friend - Very heavy drinker, who had a wake up call during lockdown and hasn't touched a drop since.

@BottleDown

He won't be ready to stop until he is, which may be never OP. The percentage of alcoholics who stay sober for life after hitting rock bottom and/or attending AA is very, very small. My DH was an alcoholic. He died aged 47 of a brain haemorraghe in front of me. Eventually the only important thing in his life was where his next bottle was coming from. If there had been a housefire, I know he would've let me burn to death whilst he rescued the booze. He started to have his first drink of the day at around 7.30am. He would wet himself and sometimes poo himself where he sat and not even realise it, or care. Anything that resembled the man I married completely vanished. He was effectively a zombie constantly seeking out the next shot of booze. He was either semi comatose or calling me a fucking bitch (and worse). I thought I could "save" him. I cried, begged, tried to please him, tried to reason with him, shouted and screamed. All I did was drive myself to the brink of insanity. You really can't help him OP. Get yourself and your daughter out now.

My DH.
He died nearly three years ago of cirrhosis and malnutrition.
He lost two marriages, his children, his home, multiple jobs and most of his friends.

If AlAnon does online meetings I recommend giving it a go, but please don’t bring up children in this situation.

My mum too. From the age of 9 to 17 she drank heavily most days. Years of her forgetting to pick me up from school, years of having to try and make dinner for my younger siblings because she had gotten drunk and past out by 4pm. My childhood wasnt great.

Luckily she recovered. Sorted herself out and is doing well now. Hopefully she never falls off the wagon...

I know three, one very bright, privately educated man who had a good job and a lot of skills in carpentry and craftsmanship, and also a very nice, kind person has very sadly has succumbed to his demons and is now jobless and living in a hovel. I began a thread about him a couple of years ago. Surprisingly perhaps, his body must just be very robust, he is still in good health. He gives up for a long time then begins again. I find it very sad as I am still involved with him for various reasons and I do not like to see it.

Another one, ex university lecturer. I was close friends with him-he had always been a drinker but within the realms of normal for much of the time, life and soul of the party, fun to be around, had a good job and lots of friends etc etc just got a bit drunk sometimes. Then I saw him one day after not seeing him for a year or so (I had moved away) sitting half asleep on a park bench and realised things had taken a turn. Dead in his early 60s. A few years before he died he bought a house and put it in a friend's name with the clause that she must take care of him until he dies, which she did. He was soiling himself and in horrendous health toward the end but died suddenly.

Another one, younger, dead in his late forties/early fifties. Awful man, abusive, violent and lazy. Treated his long-term partner despicably. I am not sure this was all to do with alcohol but it most certainly did not help.

I am sorry for what you are going through OP. It's a common problem and a very misunderstood one I feel. I know plenty of people who drink too much but they are absolutely not alcoholics. Alcoholism for me seems to be both a very specific thing and a very nuanced one.

Yes. He tried several times to quit drinking but unfortunately relapsed. His partner tried so many times to help him but eventually couldn't cope with it anymore and asked him to leave the family home. He suffered from several alcohol related illnesses for a few years and then sadly passed away earlier this year. He was in his mid 50s and left behind a 12 year old child.
I'm sorry to hear what you're experiencing and for what it's worth, I think you're making the right decision.
Another I know was caught drink driving and had his licence revoked, which in turn affected his ability to work. Thankfully, he was able to quit drinking and I believe is still in recovery nearly 30 years later.

An unpleasant death, mid 50s and I was a teen.