Do you know an alcoholic? What has happened to them?

[BottleDown]

My partner of 5 years is an alcoholic. We have a young child. I am making plans to leave, but it’s absolutely heartbreaking.

If there’s an alcoholic in your life, what has happened to them?

I knew one.
His alcoholism gave him throat cancer and he died a long and painful death. He was the most glorious man but the drink just had too much of a hold on him.

I loved him and still do but I also have ultimate respect for my auntie (his wife) who endured an awful lot she didn't deserve.

I know someone, they are self medicating and slowly loosing everything and everyone - children, partner, home and at some point job. They manage to not drink (we think) when looked after/ kept busy, but as soon as they’re alone they binge.

If there’s an alcoholic in your life, what has happened to them?

I did know one.

He died.

My step-father, a violent, aggressive alcoholic with a mean streak in him a mile wide even when sober. He was also addicted to weed. Smoked and drank every penny we had, while mentally and physically abusing myself and my mother. She was his enabler and refused to believe anything was wrong and hit me herself if I tried to tell anyone. Everyone I knew in their lives ended up going NC, including me. As far as I am aware they are both still alive but they can rot in hell as far as I am concerned. She was drinking along with him by the time I cut them off.

Take your child and run, OP. You can't control your partners behaviour, but you can control yours. Your child is going to have a much better life as a result of you leaving, a healthy relationship with at least one parent and a much better chance of having a good life as an adult. Your life will be immeasurably better. My parent's addiction and abuse destroyed my child hood and crippled me mentally as an adult.

Maternal grandfather - dropped dead of a stroke at 60
Maternal uncle - died at 47, bowel rupture/sepsis
Maternal uncle - had massive heart attack at 45, barely survived and has lived a shell of a life ever since.

Fractured the entire family.

Get out while you can OP, it's no life to live.

My brother. Functioning alcoholic until his mid sixties then massive stroke at 64. Now lives in a nursing home paralysed doen one side.

I know one, she lost her marriage, her house, her job and her child. Even the idea of losing her child didn't stop her drinking. She looks dreadful as she has replaced alcohol addiction with not eating, she thinks she looks good as everyone tells her how great she looks.

Her personality has changed completely, she isn't the person I first met before her drinking got out of hand.

Two sadly both passed away

Your husband could beat this but he has to want to do so.

@CrazyHormoneLady I read your thread. I really hope that you and your daughter have a better life now.

It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do but I know that leaving with my daughter is the best thing for her. It’s so sad. He’s only 34, he can be loving and kind, and he’s in quite good health currently but he just can’t stop. He’s not drinking to excess at the moment but I fully believe the alcohol will kill him eventually.

Some time after losing my mum I went to volunteer in addiction services, initially in a prison rehab unit. I really loved it, learned so much, and am glad I went for it. But obviously, I only had a second hand experience of addiction, and at that time no professional training in supporting people with substance dependency.

We used to do these group sessions with guys who were on methadone while in prison, they'd be released and be back within days often. I remember once expressing surprise to a colleague at how few people achieved recovery, let alone maintained it. They laughed and said if one in a hundred of the guys they worked with made it a week or more without relapsing, that was good going. They did it because often it took fifty relapses on the trot for one stint at recovery to stick. And of course, everyone deserves the support to try enter recovery, no matter how many times they've tried before.

It really hit home for me how the stats are against people who are addicts/alcoholics.

The sad part is that the booze/drugs seem like the solution to a problem at first, then over time you need more and more for the same effect, and within very little time you're now physically dependent and need even more to get even a slight effect, and a short time later you no longer experience any positive effect from the substance, you're merely using/drinking to avoid withdrawals, which can range from being able to kill you to making you want to die to escape it.

It's like quicksand and often people don't realise they're in it until they're stuck in it.

That's not to be hopeless or say people can't recover, many can. But the superhuman amount of effort it takes, and support, and courage, is immense.

Unfortunately, they have all died.

One, my grandfather, who lasted a long time, but died horribly in his early seventies from a combination of no less than four unpleasant alcohol related cancers (of the throat, tongue, stomach and bowel), along with liver cirrhosis and poor lung function.

Another, a young female relative-by-marriage who died aged 35 from alcoholic liver failure which set in after bariatric surgery made her switch overeating for drinking.

A school friend who died last year aged 45 from a massive gastrointestinal bleed caused by oesophageal varices, because of liver failure from persistent alcoholism. She left behind two teenage children.

Another relative (male) who died of a heart attack aged 60 which was caused by organ failure due to alcoholism.

All of them struggled with poor past decisions they had made in their lives, bereavement, trauma and depression.

Sadly, most really serious alcoholics end up dead. 😞 You cannot change them, only get out, protect yourself and your child, and get them access to professional help. Contact your GP for support and focus on yourself.

First husband. He left when the children were tiny. He married a drinker as his second wife. Embezzled a million pounds. Told a thousand lies. She divorced him. He ended up with a warrant out for his arrest. Committed suicide in a cheap hotel when our children were in their 30s.

OMG that is one of the saddest stories I think I've read on here. I am so sorry, poor poor girl.

My ex/children's dad - he got sober a few years ago, and married the woman who he met shortly after we split. They were on and off as he was drinking but eventually got married a few years after he got sober. Both are now very religious. I dont chat to him about it, we just parent amicably, but its a huge feat. He never stopped for me, or his kids, or his now wife, he literally hit rock bottom then started on AA.

I live with a recovering alcoholic who hasn’t had a drink for five years. He’s the man I married again, thanks to huge willpower and AA.

I know of 2 people who agreed they had a problem and turned their lives around - there is hope.

My Mum and her husband. Both died this year within weeks of one another. They hadn’t even reached retirement age.

In the preceding 10 years they had slowly but surely thrown away their lovely life in a mortgage free house to move to a caravan park in the middle of butt fuck nowhere, lost their transport, their jobs, and relationships with family. Her husband became disabled and couldn’t be bothered to help himself so Mum became his carer. My Mum sat dying of pneumonia laying in her own piss and shit for days before her husband, also sitting in his own piss and shit, called an ambulance. The paramedics had to sift through further piss and shit and bottles and junk just to get to Mum to take her to hospital. I have never seen a house in such a state and can’t imagine how much she suffered.

Myself - I am an alcoholic but I have a much better relationship with alcohol than I used to. I was sober for a year and a half (decided to stop way before Mum died) and made a conscious decision to drink at my wedding, knowing I will now not drink again (it wasn’t even worth it, even if it was brilliant day) I don’t go to AA but I have had and continue to have extensive therapy which keeps me on track. It took me 10 years to admit I had a problem and thankfully I did while I was still able to “bounce back”.

Two very different experiences which are ten a penny for alcoholics. Ultimately if your DH doesn’t think he has a problem and won’t change it’s not worth fighting because an alcoholic will always think that everyone else is the problem, even at rock bottom when they have lost absolutely everything, if they can’t accept they need help.

Save yourself and your children the heartache and get out.

Maternal grandmother - died in her early fifties from a brain haemorrhage (my mother is teetotal as a result)

aunt (daughter of the above) - ditto

cousin (son of the above) - went into multi-organ failure in his mid forties after years of heavy drinking and died, leaving a young family

cousin - sixties, divorced, two grown up kids who are estranged, not really functioning, pissing in a bag as he can barely walk. Was hospitalised for a internal bleed earlier this year and in hospital for months, not sure how he's still alive, it's no existence at all. Very intelligent man, had a good career, but if I had to guess I would say there was some undiagnosed neurodivergence, he drank as a crutch and got over dependent on it.

ex's mum - drank the best part of a bottle of vodka a night in front of the tv after her husband left her. No other interests at all, endlessly self pitying. Died in her fifties.

close friend - her father drank himself to death and she is doing her best to do the same. It's a shame as she's a wonderful person, but very damaged.

I'm in my fifties now, and have had/still have, several alcoholic friends. Some have been sober for many years, some have relapsed, some are 'functioning' alcoholics who don't think they have a problem, some are now (prematurely) dead as a direct result of their alcohol addiction.

Alcohol to me is the most insidious and dangerous of drugs. You cannot save him, he has to hit the bottom and make that decision himself.

You are doing the right thing in leaving, you must protect yourself and your child or it will destroy you too. I'm sorry you are in this position, please seek out support, and wish you all the best.

They can be very good at hiding it...

I remember times when I'd go visit my mum and she'd swear on her life that she had stopped drinking and felt quite great, actually, and was so glad she'd taken the leap and didn't want to go back to it.

Then she'd pop to the toilet (this was when she was still able to walk), I'd go sniff her 'glass of water' and it was neat vodka :(

The cruel thing about it is that by the time the addiction has ruined their life (or caused them to ruin it...), the emotional consequences are so intolerable, and there feels nothing to live for, that they drink even more to escape and numb themselves. I can easily see why some people can't pull themselves back from that.

@BottleDown id also add i left to save myself and the children. I never wanted the kids to see this, plus i hated him for what he put me through. Im happy he has found his happiness

An alcoholic I know was a nice man, ended up throwing his mother down the stairs while drunk. He went to prison. He also used to be intelligent and creative. When you talk to him now (we attended his mother’s funeral) he repeats himself even when sober like his mind is literally gone. In his 50s (still alive and drinking).

Another, lovely, previously creative, intelligent man. Drank himself to death earlier this year. His mid-20s son found him. It was tragic.

My grandma was an alcoholic. She ended up in an alcohol-induced coma which she managed to come out of. She quit drinking and survived a few more years but the damage she had already done to her body meant that she still died young (early 50s).

How are your children now?

It really is a horrible drug. Blunt, messy, unpredictable, addictive, and lethal in a single dose if high enough. Look up how the WHO rates it on harms sometime compared to other drugs.

I also knew (though only as a slight acquaintance) a young person who died after a single binge. He was not addicted, and his behaviour wasn't massively out of step with our peers (millenials). He drank to blackout one night, passed out in the wrong position, and lost the dice roll.

I have a relative who lived to be quite old despite being a senior when they quit. Know a couple other people who quit and had great lives. Know another couple in their late sixties who still seem quite healthy despite having a drinking problem. It did affect how long they could work for.

Hi,

I am a five years sober alcoholic after about 5 years of active addiction.
It is totally possible to recover, but you have to have the resolve in you to do it for yourself, that you can't live like you are anymore. I know many many sober alcoholics in recovery.

everyone is different, and every alcoholic's recovery will look different.

Does your partner recognise his addiction? Does he want to change?