Do you know an alcoholic? What has happened to them?

[BottleDown]

My partner of 5 years is an alcoholic. We have a young child. I am making plans to leave, but it’s absolutely heartbreaking.

If there’s an alcoholic in your life, what has happened to them?

My best friends Mum, died at 54 when we were early 20s. Liver failure and malnutrition. Multiple sections and hospital stays from accidents. My best friend is unfortunately now the same way and had never recovered from what she saw and went through when we were teens. Her and her sister ended up living with my family for a while.

In the last two months she's lost custody of her three young children, been arrested twice and.more. I'm trying to support her the best I can, but she doesn't know how ill she is. I fear she's too far gone.

Yes. Hes dead. Died age 53.

My ex partner father of my dc. Crashed his car drunk age 28.
Police came to our door to tell me. I was 24 with a 4 year old ds and baby dd.
I hold a lot of guilt as that night I had tried to stop him and take the car keys but was unsuccessful.

Ds and I enjoy a drink but know when to stop and never ever drink drive not even after one drink will we get behind the wheel.

Dd is teetotal and works for the police.

There is nothing you can do to stop them as I know now.

We had been together since 6th form and it devastated me although I already wanted to leave him.

I have PTSD even in my 50s if anyone knocks on the door or the phone rings unexpectedly.

I hate how he became in drink, sometimes a horrible and vile person totally different to the boy I loved in my teens.

Drunk people and pub noise really distress me.

I think it is an illness but one that affects the whole family.

The shame of cleaning up the alcohol bottles and vomit so dc didn't see in the morning will never leave me over 30 years later.

Death. All died young. Alcoholism is awful, an awful exercise in self pity. If it stopped with the alcoholic then it might not be so bad - but they damage a lot of people as they hit rock bottom. It’s particularly awful for children. You are doing the right thing OP

I knew two alcoholics, one family member and one family member of my DH. Both died in their early 60s. Both had cancer but I know alcohol related causes were on the death certificate of one of them.

MIL was, so much so that her liver basically exploded and when my partner helped his dad clean up the house after she died they found 24 bottles of wine and vodka hidden in places all over the house. She even got banned from Sainsbury’s for drinking vodka in the toilets then told everyone that she didn’t want to shop there anymore because a staff member was rude to her. It’s only when someone FIL knew told him the truth else we wouldn’t have known. My grandparents were alcoholics. And my dad is borderline…

Sorry died age 26 not 28

One of the saddest yet truest things I've heard about addiction is: You will never be a bigger priority than his alcohol when he is in active addiction, and you will never be a bigger priority than his sobriety when he is in recovery.

You and your child deserve to be somebody's top priority!

I know a few.

A work colleague, lost her job and her husband left her once the kids were grown. She ended up homeless.

An old school friend. He got caught drink driving, eventually treated his long term partner (also an old school friend of miine) so poorly she left him. He frittered away the money from selling the house they'd bought (mainly with her income as his work become sporadic especially when he couldn't drive) but has found another woman to support him. I hear she's getting tired of him, though. He's a great laugh to be around for an evening, but you can't rely on him at all.

Brother in law. Also lost his license due to drink driving. Seems to keep it under wraps better than the others I know, goes on a bender a few times a year. Otherwise comes across as a middle class lush, but not someone with a problem. SiL makes excuses for him but he seems to have been a pretty shit partner in terms of pulling his weight and he's somewhat selfish in more ways than the addiction. Wealthy family, though, who have supported him financially and provided SiL with help, friendship and some lovely homes to take the children to when she needs to. So with the ability to stop the drinking spiraling (so far) they've muddled along as well as several other couples I know where no one is alcoholic.

A uni friend. Only one (I know of) who stopped. Built up from drinking in uni, then once working in early 20s wine with dinner most nights. Then kids came and wine with mums when they went out and a glass while cooking dinner and then wine with dinner, etc. Admitted she had a problem a few years ago. Tells me her marriage was on the line and she realised she just really wanted her family more than alcohol. Hasn't drunk since (didn't do it all by herself, joined a program, though think it wasn't AA).

Edited to add: Just remembered, also my grandfather. Became an alcoholic in the war. Died of a heart attack in his late 50s.

Those who went to AA had a positive long term outcome. Obviously the addict has to want to stop and have the commitment.

At the extreme, it’s been a decline and loss on all levels if not (job loss, health, family).

Sorry OP things will feel much more stable for you out of the situation. I hope he seeks help for your sake of your DC if not himself. There is support for families of alcoholics as well which may be helpful as you navigate this.

Ex DP, died early 50's. He was always encouraged by 'friends' as he was the life and soul of any social situation, while I lived with the manipulated arguments so he could go off on benders, and the pissing on the bedroom floor. I had to leave in the end.

Sorry to say they got worse, refused all help, multiple rehab stints and ultimately died from alcoholism. They were in their 60s . It was all very sad.

An old friend choked on her own vomit. Also my dad who I guess might have been considered a functioning alcoholic died from cancer in late 60s x

My dad died at 54.
my mother somehow still kicking about.
3/4 of her sisters are heavy alcoholics too.

A total shitstorm I have nothing to do with now

My mum was an alcoholic. She died at 45. I was 23. My sister was 17. My brother was 7. Its shit.
My younger cousin is too. He went to rehab and has been sober 2 years.

I know quite a few, but perhaps one of the saddest I know is a family friend who became an alcoholic in her mid 30s.

Her husband tried for a few years but eventually left, along with the children. She moved in with her parents but when she drinks she becomes extremely violent so now she has a restraining order on her. She doesn’t work, sleeps around and is abused to fund her habit. Only one of her children still talks to her.

To me the scariest part is still that this all kicked off in her 30s, after many years as a functioning adult. You just never know.

A parent of mine has been sober for over 40 years. Stopped with AA but hasn't needed to go to meetings for a long time. I'm very proud they managed this.
Their parent died in late 60s from alcohol related issues. Their sibling is a functioning alcoholic. One of my siblings drinks too much too. Not sure if dependant yet but it worries me.

I hardly drink anymore and regularly contemplate Al Anon.
If you go to Al Anon do you tend to also tell your alcoholic person that you're going to help you cope with their drinking?

So many heart breaking posts here. My first real experience of someone who had alcohol use disorder was my best friends mum. I knew my friend had problems at home because she never wanted to be there. One day we were coming home from school and we went to her house first, her mum had been drinking and fell asleep in front of a gas fire and badly burnt her feet. We had to get an ambulance we were 14 at the time. When I look back my dad always drank but he always worked and manged to do so until he retired but one night my mum was worried he'd not come home with tea. My son and I found him after driving around completely bent over trying to walk home with two asda bags. I'm now in a situation of drinking a bottle of wine most nights am I happy and proud of myself or in denial absolutely not. All of the people who I've written about suffered trauma that's not me making excuses im just putting my experience out.

Friend: currently 3 years sober, so far so good. Has two children, still with her husband, things were rocky for a while but hope they will continue to improve.

Aunt: was an inpatient in a mental health hospital in the 80s due to alcoholism. Was put on medication that made her ill if she drank alcohol. Seemed to work. She died sober, age 84 and still married (but not a happy marriage).

Ive been sober for over 19 years and i know a lot of sober alcoholics through AA and am married to one.

An ex of mine and my sister’s ex DH both died of alcohol-related illness, aged about 30 and 46 respectively.

My stepmother, late 70s, has a drink problem and IMO my DF enables her by protecting her from consequences.

People can change but it’s not easy and you have to want to … some people are just not lucky enough to have that lightbulb moment and act on it. Alcoholics are not all the same, except that the alcohol is the most important thing in an active alcoholic’s life. And as the alcoholism progresses the alcoholic becomes more and more selfish and dishonest. Also often extremely boring and just incredibly shit to be around.

Please put yourself and your baby first. Al-Anon would be helpful. None of this is your fault.

Not personally but a friend of my parent. Unfortunately they are dead. Very sad.

Both of my parents were alcoholics.

My mother died when I was 6. She tanked her liver. I lived with my grandparents by that point and she came to stay with us. I remember how yellow she was.

My father died at some point in my teens. He disappeared off the radar when I was about 7ish. Everyone was relieved as he was a nightmare. Didn't find out until I was mid twenties that he'd died years before. It was thought he had no family.

My earliest ever memory is them having a drunk row on Christmas night

My df. Chronic alcoholic. Ended with a form of dementia caused by alcohol abuse in his early 50s. Lost feeling in his feet (again related to alcohol abuse) so was also disabled. Found dead at 60 with multiple organ failure.

Me. Always loved a drink but just a bit more than anyone else. Got to the point where I knew it had to go one way or the other. Thankfully I was able to stop and have been sober over 3 years.

My 2 uncles and myself.

We all got sober. One uncle swore by AA, the other did 30 years sober without AA until he died last year. I tried AA but it didnt 'click'. Health issues that scared the shit out of me caused me to cut down massively and then I stopped drinking altogether 5 years ago when I got pregnant during lock down. Haven't touched a drop since and I don't miss it. I absolutely love sober life and feel enlightened.

My father and sister in law are both alcoholics and neither have ever tried to get sober. You have to want it and recognise and admit to at least yourself that you're an alcoholic.

You're doing the right thing by leaving. That's brave, you're a great mum. You can't make someone choose sobriety.

My friend's dad, nearly 80, lifelong alcoholic, always having alcohol-related accidents such as falling down the stairs and breaking his neck. In decent health and still runs his own business. A very nice person, decent dad.