Do you know an alcoholic? What has happened to them?

[BottleDown]

My partner of 5 years is an alcoholic. We have a young child. I am making plans to leave, but it’s absolutely heartbreaking.

If there’s an alcoholic in your life, what has happened to them?

She died before her 41st birthday. She left behind a 14yo son (no contact with his dad), who had to live with his grandfather. Once the grandfather passed away, he went to live with his uncle (the brother of the alcoholic). The whole thing was very tragic.

My dad is an alcoholic. He’s currently 3 years sober at 78 years old.

He spent years as a functioning alcoholic in complete denial. The last few years he was clearly unwell and following a hospital admission he had a period of sobriety (fell off the wagon spectacularly at my wedding).

He then developed really severe illness and was in intensive care, was held under a DOLS as he suffered brain damage due to the alcoholism. Fortunately he stayed in hospital for so long being detoxed and recovering from liver failure and the brain damage, and he has been able to stay sober since then.

I think he finds staying sober very hard and I do kind of expect him to relapse at some point. I have no doubt that if he does it will kill him.

Some horrendous stories here: so sorry to all of you who have gone through this.

Nothing this dramatic in my case but both my father and my ex-husband were alcoholics. My dad was very high-functioning (very successful career etc) and my husband less so but still not drinking all day type alcoholics and my dad lived to the relatively ripe age of 86.

But both of them poisoned their closest relationships through choosing to prioritise drinking over everything else: the rows, the scenes, the emotional toxicity from both relationships have cast a cloud over my life.

Just to say OP that alcoholism doesn't have to be at drinking all day levels to have a significant impact on the loved ones of the alcoholic. The impact on children is horrendous.

So you're doing the right thing.

My mum. 2-3 bottles of wine every single day for 30 years, without fail. Sometimes whisky and brandy on top of that. It is truly staggering how much alcohol some bodies can tolerate.

she was hospitalised with ascites twice. Age 70 went to rehab. Sober now, there will be relapses ahead but I think we will at least see her final years with the real her - the sober her - for the most part.

it is so very very hard, and such a shockingly chaotic illness for the loved ones to navigate. Me and my sibling and dad will forever be scarred for having lived with my mum through those years.

the child of an alcoholic becomes an expert room reader. I would know in an instant whether she’d had her first sip of drink. I’d know from the smell of the house when I walked in from school whether she was drunk or not. Some mornings I’d wake up for school and she hadn’t gone to bed at all, and was still up on bottle number 3 or onto the whisky.

it’s a real hell. Please protect your kids. My dad didn’t know how x

This is the best decision you will make for you and your child OP, but you do likely have a long and stressful road ahead of you.
I left my ex-husband 5 years ago when our child was small and he has spiralled out of control ever since. As he lived alone, there was nobody to call him out or tell him he’d had enough and his drinking worsened. Since we split, he hasn’t been able to hold down a job due to his drinking, so I receive no maintenance. I had to supervise visits quite soon after we split as he lied about how much he was drinking, and would turn up drunk or not at all. I stopped telling our child when we were due to meet him so it wouldn’t hurt them if he didn’t show up. If he did show up in a state, I had to manage that. Contact lessened and I started the process of child arrangement orders.
He is now 36, has been having seizures due to alcohol and is currently remanded in prison. I have PTSD.
You can’t change who your child’s dad is, but you can be kind to yourself and err on the side of caution around unsupervised contact. He is a grown man and there is nothing you can do to fix him if he doesn’t want to be fixed.
Good luck OP x

My sister died in her 50s of a gastrointestinal haemorrhage. Awful way to go. She was high functioning, kind, respectable but there were a lot of secrets and lies. Your husband is the only person who can change himself and you are the only person who can really put your child first. He can’t do that when he is in the throes of addiction.

My husband. He can go weeks without beer but as soon as he's off work he will happily have 12 pints of Heineken in one session. This will go on for a few days until he gets to the point hes just so hungover he moped about clearing his throat constantly and "having a lie down" (sleeping it off while I deal with everything). He's been like this for the 25 years we've been together

My mum. She died.

My partner of four years is over twenty years sober. Still goes to a meeting at least once a week, does "acts of service" as the meetings require him to.

He knows I would end our relationship if he ever had a drink, even though I have never known him drink.

I barely drink, but both my parents drank every day, probably three drinks (3-6 units), and I suspect were alcoholics, though not drunks. Both lived to 83 and died of pretty normal things, though likely exacerbated by alcohol (bowel, stomach and lung cancer - dad; perforated bowel, peritonitis and ultimately heart failure - mum)

My dad, ruined his liver and kidneys but he refused dialysis and eventually the lack of kidney function led to his death. But he was 89 at the time, and managed to live a relatively normal life.

I knew one at work. Will leave out his most outing details as it's a tragic life, he wasn't a very nice person tbh, but alcoholic wise he died aged 42 after repeatedly saying his grandparents smoked and drank and lived to their 80s. He looks twenty years older than 42.

An old friend. Would drink beer in the pub and take a bottle of wine home. He turned up one day Simpsons yellow. We convinced him to seek help and he made it through. His cirrhosis was hiding a cancer in his liver, and he died from that in the end despite several years of being sober.

I have the loveliest life but it could be much nicer. I am retired and have no mortgage and plenty of money. I have 2 kids who I’ve helped to have their own houses. I am an alcoholic and i am horrified by that. I drink only from 4pm onwards until bed. It affects my life badly. My mother and most of my family were alcoholics by today’s standards my mother in particular. She said to me when i was young ‘i don’t trust people who don’t drink they are boring’ anyway i am suffering i think from generational abuse. My mother in particular. When i get to 10 days with no alcohol i feel free. Then i go back to it. I don’t know how to break free. Meanwhile i love so many things in life. I want something to flick that switch that stops it.

Some people say that if alcohol was discovered yesterday it would be illegal
Not a bad idea methinks!!

Yes - my friends brother. Lovely guy had a great career, but after a messy breakup He turned to the booze. He died in his early 40s with his sons carrying his coffin. Heartbreaking.

Died young of cirrhosis unfortunately.

My nearly 80 year old dad is an alcoholic. Just drinks endless red wine. WFH (still
working!) and drinks throughout the day but pretends he doesn’t. We can smell it on him. He isn’t a kind man and the booze makes him utterly disgusting. Tells my mum to “fuck off” and becomes very odd and belligerent. Terrible with the grandkids. I think of my daughter as only having one grandparent that can help as he does eff all and I wouldn’t trust him if he could (not all of that is to do with the booze). He has fallen flat on his face from getting off the sofa recently - blood everywhere as he hit the cat stand. In my more cold moments I often think it would
be good when he dies because he doesn’t contribute a great deal, if anything to my life and hasn’t for years.

There should be friends and family support available to you through your local drug and alcohol service.

I know several who have stopped and live really happy successful lives.
I also had a family member who died of it in her fifties. She’d already ruined her marriage; husband had left and kids had gone nc. She was moved into sheltered accommodation and basically fell down drunk and was found dead like that. Terribly sad as she was lovely when not drinking but horrendous when drunk.
Another family member who is very similar to how @pittapat describes
OP I really applaud you from getting your kids away from it. It’s so awful growing up around it. My siblings and I don’t drink at all and I’m pretty sure it’s because of what we went through and saw in our family growing up. I never want my kids to experience having a parent who is a drunk especially one who refuses to admit they have a problem. The emotional impact is devastating

A very good friend of mine died of a heart attack at 50. She had had problems with alcohol on and off for many years

One bled to death. Two died alone and were found dead at home after police kicked their doors in. One stopped when he got dementia and couldn't buy booze. One died in mysterious circumstances -possibly by suicide. Another has brain damage after an accident.

Edit: I forgot about the one who left her family and was found dead in a homeless shelter.

Yes I do.
Me.
I stopped drinking 18 years ago.
I’d be dead if I hadn’t.
I know I’m more of an exception than a rule though.

Several friends and my birth father, who managed to live a reasonable life span but made it miserable for everyone else.
One is the most extreme chaotic example you could think of, with car crashes, waving guns around, but shielded by money and a daughter who became basically her carer. Sober now for years, post divorce and settlement, long may it continue.
One is a homeless street drinker, who for a time ended up on a protest site, gaining some purpose in life, but was too chaotic and out of order to sustain it and ended up being kicked out. His fate is unknown, but sadly, I can guess.
One who seemed to be a social drinker, albeit heavily and nightly, didn't stop when she went home and finally died in ICU on life support, with massive organ failure.

Ex H is alcoholic but has always denied it. Aggression and intimidation and anger got worse n worse including for the DC and became physical st times to the DC We divorced, he met a bar maid/pub landlady! Drinks even more now and they’re proud of how much they both can drink. It’s affected his memory (unless it’s dementia he has), is a mire argumentative and has fallen out either way DC2 after a drunken (he drunk) row. All very unpleasant. Not worth you staying with him.

1. Dead - horrific something ruptured
2. Exacerbated alzheimers and vascular dementia worsening symptoms
3. Dead - alongside smoking contributed to lung cancer