Do you know an alcoholic? What has happened to them?

[BottleDown]

My partner of 5 years is an alcoholic. We have a young child. I am making plans to leave, but it’s absolutely heartbreaking.

If there’s an alcoholic in your life, what has happened to them?

First husband was a raging alcoholic who died aged 43, we had been divorced about 12 years by then. He’d lost jobs, driving licence, been sacked by the Army. Tried to medically dry out but suffered a huge heart attack. Our daughter was 18 and had no contact with him since she was 4.

leave him op it doesn’t get any better!

And you can’t help those that don’t want help… I know this too well!

My husband was a functioning alcoholic. Not the shambolic, chaotic sort, the respectable sort. Great job, well respected at work, held it all together most of the time, but his drinking was habitual and he had no cut off switch. A couple of glasses of wine each evening gradually turned into a couple of bottles. His answer to everything was wine. A great day at work? Wine. A celebration? Wine. A terrible day? Wine. A stressful time at home with the children, or an ill family member or the threat of redundancy or anything else that might be causing him worry or annoyance? Wine. Boredom? Frustration? Wine.

Most nights he would be slurring in front of the telly by 8pm. It got very tedious.

We couldn't go out to a party or a fun event without him drinking himself into complete oblivion. I got to the stage where I would always leave before him because once he had his 'party head' on I couldn't reason with him. he always had to be the last to leave and I didn't particularly want to stick around to see him at the falling over stage, so I'd just go home and leave him to it. I hated doing that but not as much as I hated the pointless row that would ensue if I tried to tell him it was time to go home. I lost count of the times he got lost, fell asleep on a train, ended up in hospital, had to sleep in his office etc.

I tolerated it while he was good natured drunk but then he started to behave like an arse when he was drunk. Picking stupid arguments with me over nothing, or just being embarrassing in company.

We went away with with my brother and his wife once and we were looking for a place to get a light lunch. All we wanted was a sandwich and a coffee but my DH kept saying no to every place we looked at. We didn't need a big meal but he was insisting on looking at proper restaurants rather than cafes. In the end it dawned on me that it was actually a drink he wanted. We ended up in an unlicenced cafe that my sister chose and he descended into a filthy mood. I realised then that it had become a need, not just a want. Even at 12 noon.

One day I said to him, very calmly, as he laid in bed one morning, something like:

'I don't know if I want to grow old with you. I am dreading our retirement, when you don't have a reason to at least stay sober until 6pm. If every day is going to involve watching you drink from lunchtime onwards until you can't speak properly, then picking stupid arguments with me, I'm not sure I'm up for it.'

He said 'are you threatening to leave me? Are you issuing me with an ultimatum to stop drinking? Are you trying to control my life and stop me enjoying myself?'

I said 'No. I'm just telling you how I feel and what I will do if I think this is going to be my future. It's not the future I want. It's completely up to you how you choose to act on this information. Change. Don't change. Do whatever you want. I don't care. But whatever you do, do it in the knowledge that I've told you how I feel.' I think he just sensed that I really meant it. I wasn't going to fight or plead to make him change. I was just going to walk if he didn't. I didn't know whether it would be that month, or year or in another ten years, just that it would be evenually.

He stopped drinking literally that day, and bar a couple of relapses that each lasted a matter of days each, he hasn't drunk since. I mean nothing. He knows he can't be a moderate drinker. It's just not possible for him to have one or two drinks a night then stop, or to only drink at weekends or on holiday or whatever. He's very all or nothing. He recognised that for himself, so didn't even bother trying to cut down. He just stopped, completely by himself. That was 7 years ago now.

It's bliss. But it has completely changed how we live. He doesn't like socialising much, goes to bed really early. Never wants to go out for the evening, if we do anything it's always in the daytime. He can't enjoy holidays unless he's on the go the whole time with a packed itinerary. He can't relax on a sunlounger by the pool. Whereas he used to enjoy a few cocktails around the pool and get that mellow holiday feeling, now he's twitchy and bored after an hour. He used to be a real dancer at parties. Now he hates parties, hates meeting new people and wouldn't dream of dancing. So many of the things that used to give him pleasure are now pointless to him, if you have to do them sober.

There is a lot of negativity towards alcoholics in this thread. Of course it’s extremely hard on those around them but a lot of the time mental health is involved.

My father was an alcoholic throughout my whole childhood. I remember writing him a letter when I was 16 outlining all the risks of alcohol (we were learning it in science) and how I wished so much for him to stop drinking. I never intended for my dad to see it but my mum found it in my school bag and gave it to him. He was completely heartbroken by it and tried to quit. It didn’t work that time. But when I turned 21, having left home and at uni my mum rang me to say dad was missing. He was found later unconscious in a ditch. My mum gave him an ultimatum and that was it, he went to AA. Has been clean for 14 years and is now an AA councillor.

My dad’s alcoholism stems from him being abused by his father when he was a young boy. He has lived with the trauma his whole life and that was his way of numbing it.

i love my dad immensely, although he wasn’t a perfect dad due to the alcohol, he was still a good dad and is the best dad and grand dad he can be now.

Alcoholism doesn’t always have to be attached to shame and “oh well their fault their dead”. It breaks my heart that if I told someone my dad was an alcoholic that people would automatically assume he was no good.

of course you have to do the best by your kids. But for our family, the best thing for us was my mum keeping us as a family unit, protecting us as much as possible and untimely saving my dad’s life in the end. They are still married, extremely happy and retired living their best lives now.

They died from liver cancer caused by alcoholism…my sister’s husband. It was sad to watch as he was a lovely man but could never get in control of his drinking.

From working in pubs I've known lots and lots of them. Mostly men. Some have wives and children (young or older) and run functional lives due to the wives keeping it all going and every family function at the pub. Drunk every night and act as though it's normal.

Some alone, and living small lives with daily runs to the shop. Estranged family.

What nearly all have in common is dying earlier than normal life expectancy and being shorter on cash than they should be.

I have known several. I can think of three people I know well, who stopped drinking, but they always class themselves as 'recovering alcoholics'. All three did it with the help of AA. One told me that it was something he had to want to do for himself. Nobody else could do it for him. AA was just the support he needed. But he had to - as he put it - 'hit rock bottom first'. And he pointed out that many alcoholics sadly die before they hit their own personal low. He recovered. With all three, once they were recovering, the worst thing (they said) involved so called 'friends' persistently offering drinks. They changed friendship groups because of it. It ruins lives, and I sympathise so much - but it can be overcome.

Well he is dead. A long term ex from my 20s.
He is dead and out of his misery. His sister also died from alcoholism. They had an abusive childhood.
DHs friend is also an alcoholic. He just had major heart surgery.
I think people can come back from addiction. I hope your DH is one of those.
You should remove yourself from the situation though. There is nothing you could do or say to change him. The only person that can do that is him.

I just mentioned in another post the my BiL nearly died from cirrhosis, although he no longer drinks and hadn't for years before he showed symptoms. Another friend died from multiple organ failure.

It's not a pretty thing to have.

Several. They all died early.

Leave

You can't change them and you aren't responsible.

Yes, a close family member. Has been to rehab twice in the past 6 months. Lies about everything, refuses to admit to drinking even when slurring words etc, drives with the kids while drunk, passes out on the street, too drunk by school pickup time to be able to go, and on and on.

Problematic drinking behaviour for years has now progressed into a full blown addiction where she is rapidly becoming non functional and is going to end up losing her kids and marriage over it. I fear if it continues, the outcome will be similar to many on this thread and will end in a health crisis, there have been red flags about liver blood test results already but she absolutely will not listen to anyone and denies anything was ever even mentioned about it. So sorry to everyone who has been through this 💐

My mother was barely an alcoholic. She drank too much to cope with abuse, but she was never a problem drinker. She died far too young from a really aggressive cancer.

my other relatives are all seemingly pickled and able to keep being abusive as hell and drinking to their hearts content. One is nearly 100.

one did recently get sober after being told he was facing paralysis if he didn’t stop. They gave him meds that made him violently ill if he had even a trace of alcohol in anything so that helped with the transition.

@BottleDown No he didn’t have an accident
He died of alcoholic liver disease
Same as my mother . He drank himself to death .

My dad. He’s 71 and doing better now, in a sense. He’s cut back a lot and is more in control now but has never ever truly been able to accept that he is an alcoholic and the damage it has done to people around him - me, specifically. He’s never properly given up booze. Partly because my mum enables him terribly.

A good friend, my age (40). She accepted she was an alcoholic 6 years ago, got lots of help and therapy and hasn’t touched the stuff since. She’s doing very well.

OP, it was awful growing up with an alcoholic parent. The unpredictability of it. The aggression and the fear. I knew if he’d been drinking immediately when I came home from school just from the smell of the house when I came through the door. If I ever smell anything like that smell now I feel instantly tense and ill, more than two decades later. I really do think you are doing the right thing. You have to put your child first.

my mum - 64 - lifelong drinker /alcoholic - list custody of my siblings and me in the 1970s - only lasted that long because she had stints in residentials where alcohol was not permitted . Once she left it was open season

Several. Some of my own family and I married a family of alcoholics.
They are all alive but I had to leave my now ex-husband. They all have depression and/or serious anxiety. My ex husband is still a wreck and sadly won't change. I adore him and always will/have done but I just got to the point where I just couldn't compete with the alcohol anymore.

I went to al anon which was enormously helpful OP. Even if you dont want to do the steps you meet a group of people who know instantly where you are and what you are going through and really helpful strategies to manage it all kindly.

Protect yourself and protect your children. That is ALL you are responsible for. It is a disease, yes, but that doesn't mean he isnt responsible for his choices. He will either pick himself up and sort it out or he won't.

And big hugs, you can do this xxx

Sorry rest of my message was lost . My ex husband early died this year aged 60 organ failure and my best friend 54 a few months back after a fall . All alcoholics.
All very sad and messy ends.

2 friends- one died at 40 due to alcohol induced seizures leaving an 8 year old with no mother or father.
The other 60 year old, bilateral amputee, liver cirrhosis, eating disorder and separated from partner!

A former classmate - passed away in their thirties.

@Rosepippi many of us loved the alcoholics in our lives dearly. People on here are being negative about the alcoholism, not the person. Importantly, your mum didn't save your dad. He saved himself, which is wonderful.

Yes, they're dead.

My mum, she died of alcohol related illnesses. Having an alcoholic parent is heart wrenching and so damaging, please don’t put your DC through this.

I'm a long term sober alcoholic. I did it through six weeks of rehab and many years of AA meetings, which i grew to love. I had my last drink on 5th April 1989. I have adult kids who have never known me as a drunk. I'm still grateful. Best thing I ever did.

My sister is 41 and is an alcoholic, currently sober for a few weeks at a time with intermittent binge drinking. Her partner is 45 and has liver failure through alcoholism. I can't begin to understand it at all. She can be very selfish and is a horrid drunk. I'm expected to forgive and forget. So I just keep my distance to protect myself but encourage gently when she decides she will entertain my opinion.

I got sober partly because I could see my very new marriage wasn't going to last. We loved each other so much so in part I did it for him.

My DF was an alcoholic. He also got sober through AA. He died recently at 93 having been sober for over 50 years.