To feel so guilty sending 15 month old 3 days a week to nursery?

[Saladleaf]

I am currently SAHM to DS and have had a job offer for 3 days per week when he will be 15 months. We have found a nice and not full nursery nearby.

I'm struggling a lot with guilt at the idea of him going 3 days per week for 9 or even 10 hours a day. It feels so long, and I feel so anxious that he is too young to be in nursery for this many days. Me working means we will be able to afford to buy a house and move closer to my family and he will then be able to only do 2 days at nursery and one with my DM. I don't really enjoy the monotony of being a SAHM currently and find it very hard having no break. I want to go back to work part time as it will give me a balance of feeling like my old self and being a mum, but I just feel so selfish and awful for sending him to nursery where I know he will be upset. He is attached to me and doesn't like strangers, he cries when someone he doesn't know speaks or touches him and reaches for me. I've looked at childminders in my area and I don't feel comfortable with any of them, for various reasons. We can't afford a nanny, it would take every penny I earn.

I'm hoping for some positive stories here or thoughts. Everything I see online says that nursery under 2.5 / 3 is not positive for a baby and I worry 3 full days a week is far too much. I feel like a terrible mum and so guilty every time I look at him :(

Bump!

I was a SAHP to both of our DCs, but put them in nursery for a couple of half days a week - not because we needed the child care but because we felt it important for their socialisation and development. I knew full well that different environments and different people would help stimulate them a lot better than I could at home.

How about trying for a couple of weeks and see how it goes, whether he settles? Mine started nursery at 12 months and he seems to really enjoy it. He’s there from 8.30-3.30 because I noticed that he is quite tired by then. You could maybe look into getting a nanny for just a couple of hours to shorten his nursery days?

Oh bless you. It is tough being a mum!

He will be ok and probably thrive. You will earn more and be able to support him in future and have given him longer at home than many kids have - some have to go to nursery 5 days/week.

9-10 hours is long, I agree. Is there any wiggle room in your working hours, for you or your partner to collect him any earlier?

Having said that I felt the same about ds1, used to get to nursery early, then he would cry at having to leave his friends. After a few tears at the start, he loved it.

Can you start him off with some half day introduction sessions to get him used to nursery without leaving him all day to start with?

Well my DS was fine when I went back to work. I sent him at 13 months old after mat leave and annual leave had been maxed. He went 3 days and absolutely thrived. Be prepared for the illness onslaught of them starting any kind of childcare but we got through it as most do. I didn’t even consider not going back to work - I need my own identity as more than just a parent and have worked hard for my career. I would have ideally liked to do 3 days but compromised at 4 in the end to go back to my old job. This sounds like a great scenario for you, I wouldn’t feel guilty in your place.
edited to add that we tend to do 7.30 until 5 days. Could you stagger your working days and one of you do 8 until 4 and the other 9-5 to make the days any shorter if you’re concerned?

How far away is the start date? I regretted not putting my first into nursery as their social skills weren't great and they really struggled with DC2 turning up.

The baby and toddler ears are relentless. You will still be spending over 50% of your week with your child. It will give him new skills, new entertainments, taste of new foods and some lovely toddler birthday experiences. They are very sweet at that age, if hard work. You've done 15 months solo, it is no harm at all to make financial choices that will give him a happier mother, with the funds to be able to have quality time with him.

Honestly at that age I'd go for a childminder over a nursery because there are less child to adult ratio so the child can form a nice bond with the childminder. It's just a more relaxed setting than nursery which id imagine would feel chaotic to a 15 month old

Isn’t this fairly normal? Many, many women go back to work when their children are a year old (or under). Mine all went 4 days a week from 12 months. They’re all lovely, happy, high achieving older kids now.

my first DS went to a childminder full time when he was 6months old, then to a nursery when he was 14months old. I had no option but to return to full time work, I didn’t have any family close by and full time employment was my only option. I was wracked with guilt but it really was my only option family and financially wise. When I had my second DS 4yrs later, I was in a more stable financial position so was able to go part time and DS went to nursery part time (1st DS was in school by this point). Both my boys enjoyed nursery and mixing with other children the same age was great for them. They are 19 and 15 now, never had any issues with them and they have always been happy and content.

i do agree that a childminder is less child to adult ratio, but they can be very restrictive. I tried a childminder with my first son, she took 13weeks holiday a year built into her contract, then when he started crawling told me was too active for her and gave me a weeks notice to find an alternative!

😳 wow, that's ridiculous. That was obviously just a crap childminder. The one I send my son to is absolutely brilliant. She's got children ranging from 9 months to 4 in the daytime and then older kids after school. My little one absolutely loves it there because they have a lot of time in the garden which my little one loves because he's an active toddler to say the least😅 and they do a huge range of indoor activities too. It's a shame you had such a shit experience with the childminder because honestly a good one is worth their weight in gold

I get the thoughts on a childminder. However I'm not sure a childminder would actually have less than a 1:3 ratio that you'd have in a nursery. Also, I personally don't feel comfortable with my baby being in someone else's home without any other eyes on the childminder and what they are doing. I don't know, it's just me but personally I'd rather he's in a nursery where there are multiple staff for accountability and safeguarding, cctv etc.

I guess it depends on your child and the setting. Mine went to nursery 3 days a week from 14 months and absolutely loved it. We immediately saw huge leaps in her development and independence. She is now a very sociable, confident and happy little girl. Nursery was brilliant for her.

When mine were little I worked part time and they went to a childminder who had other children there too . This used to concern me a little as I thought my little angels deserved 1 to 1 .
They absolutely loved going and even cried when they couldn’t go , for example if I had a day off. This used to upset me at the time but looking back it was a good sign that they were very happy there .
In your head you see it as abandoning them.
In their head it’s a party atmosphere with loads of other children to play with and children thrive on that .
Dont be hard on yourself , I believe work is good for us too as we can loose “ourselves” at home . Good luck x

Sorry, but another vote for a childminder at that age. Vast majority of c/m in my area are Ex primary school teaches, police officers, nurses etc.
regarding the safety/ accountability aspect, I do get that but what do you think would be happening?
Plus, unfortunately, you only have to look at recent news to see that nurseries aren’t always safe.

My friends sent their children from 9 months 3 days a week and all of them thrived! I sent my son at nearly 3 years old and regret not sending him sooner, it’s done wonders for his confidence.

Personally I’ve found the reverse to be true. Our nursery is 3:1 for under 2s whereas a childminder can have up to 6 of varying ages across the day (although I think only 3 under 5s).

Our nursery is great, all activities geared towards the right ages and very low turnover of staff meaning little ones form bonds with their key worker.

The childminders round here seem to spend much of their time doing school runs and catering to the older ones whilst the little ones are just left to amuse themselves. I also don’t like the idea like a PP of a single responsible adult with very limited checks, a good nursery will have proper procedures in place and for me, the likelihood of mistreatment is lower due to increased supervision.

I don’t mean to bash childminders and I’m sure some are wonderful, however I personally found it much easier to tell a good nursery from a good childminder which is what swayed me.

OP your little one will be absolutely fine, 3 days will mean he still has a good amount of time with you, could you ensure the 3 days aren’t back to back to avoid him being too tired? You are doing a great thing by working to provide a stable home of your own for your child.

10 hours a day, yikes, that would be a no from me.

What about an au pair.

This worked great for me.

Childminder would be a lot better, out and about not stuck in a creche etc.

I think you’ve found the perfect balance with a 3 day a week role. That is what most parents/mothers dream of. My DS has been in nursery 4 days a week since he was 1. Most of friends with DV have done the same. We adore our children but have to/want to keep our careers. He is absolutely fine, has a two hour nap there and does lots of nice activities. You have to find a nursery you like with staff you trust. Or you could consider a childminder or nanny if you prefer a more homely environment. The first few weeks dropping them off is tough but he’ll be fine.

It’s hard being a mum but this could benefit you both especially baby with socialising and social skills. I worked in a nirsery and could always tell little ones who had a SAHM compared to little ones that had nursery experience. However it all comes good in the end

If you need to work and have no choice than you are wasting your time feeling guilty about this. You need to do what's best for your own family circumstances.

Its hard being a mum and mum guilty makes it worse but from your post, I'm guessing it will have benefits for both you and your DS. Sometimes we have to do things to make us a better mum in the long run and put ourselves first sometimes.

Both have been have been full time nursery (7.30am -4.30pm for DS and roughly the same maybe slightly shorter for DD) from 12 months. It was a necessity I went back to work money wise. I was also not comfortable with childminders but it might have just been the people I saw I didn't gel with.
They both have thrived at nursery. It took them a while to settle as they were very clingy to me but DD in particular loves her key worker now. Nursery do so much more with mine that I could ever do. They are setup for different activities all the time.

We went the nursery route and it was fine. 2 days a week from 12 months. A friend has a childminder who complains when her 2 year old wees on her carpet so I am very glad we didn't go that route.

OP, with all kindness, you just have to look around you for positive stories. A large proportion of family's do this and the kids are completely fine. My twins went to nursery 8-6:30 3-4 days a week from 11 months old. They are now 8 and completely normal, happy, well-socialised, well-educated kids.

I used a wonderful c/m until my son started school nursery at almost 4. ( why I voted for a c’/m )
yes she did a school run but I didn’t mind as that’s normal life for many toddlers and I wanted a ‘home from home’ setting, not a large nursery chain.
She picked my son up from nursery and picked him up from school until he was in year 4.
it really depends what you’re looking for and the environment you want. I personally didn’t want my child stuck in the same room all day & was happy for him to be out & about getting lots of fresh air.
She was a brilliant c/m though and did so much with the children. I was very lucky.