To feel so guilty sending 15 month old 3 days a week to nursery?

[Saladleaf]

I am currently SAHM to DS and have had a job offer for 3 days per week when he will be 15 months. We have found a nice and not full nursery nearby.

I'm struggling a lot with guilt at the idea of him going 3 days per week for 9 or even 10 hours a day. It feels so long, and I feel so anxious that he is too young to be in nursery for this many days. Me working means we will be able to afford to buy a house and move closer to my family and he will then be able to only do 2 days at nursery and one with my DM. I don't really enjoy the monotony of being a SAHM currently and find it very hard having no break. I want to go back to work part time as it will give me a balance of feeling like my old self and being a mum, but I just feel so selfish and awful for sending him to nursery where I know he will be upset. He is attached to me and doesn't like strangers, he cries when someone he doesn't know speaks or touches him and reaches for me. I've looked at childminders in my area and I don't feel comfortable with any of them, for various reasons. We can't afford a nanny, it would take every penny I earn.

I'm hoping for some positive stories here or thoughts. Everything I see online says that nursery under 2.5 / 3 is not positive for a baby and I worry 3 full days a week is far too much. I feel like a terrible mum and so guilty every time I look at him :(

I had one at home and the second at nursery from 12 months. Now they are teenagers I can tell you honestly that there is absolutely no difference in them whatsoever.

if YOU will benefit as a mother and as a family from working 3 days per week then you should do it. If Nursery doesn’t work for you then you can review or going forward, but please don’t feel guilty about going back to work and doing the best for your family, it will be wrenching but only briefly - and guilt? We all feel guilty all of the time for all of the choices we make for our DC…. That part of parenting is totally relentless :)

Both my kids were in FT nursery at that age. 8 to 5pm. They genuinely loved it. It was a very good nurturing nursery.

They are now young adults. When they talk about nursery, where they stayed even after starting school as they offered breakfast and after school clubs, they always talk very fondly about it.

They were kids who thrived on stimulation and the murseey environment was the best for them.

Don’t worry op. It’s pretty common for kids to start childcare when they are even younger. My DC2 started 4 days a week (8 hours) at 11 months old.

Based on my own experience with sendiny DC1 to childminders at first, I agree with you. We had 2 bad experiences and nursery has been much better, as well as more secure.

But not all nurseries are large chains confining children to one room all day. Ours has a big outdoor area and puddle suits so children are encouraged to spend at least 50% of the time outdoors, the baby “room” is also two big rooms and there’s another separate area for meals.

Im really pleased you had a wonderful CM and I’m sure some are, but I don’t think CM=good, nursery=bad, I’ve seen plenty of babies strapped into a buggy or car seat most of the afternoon while CMs run errands which isn’t what I personally want - DC can do that with me!

Oh of course, I agree with you.
some nurseries are wonderful, some not so.
same with childminders ( or indeed any other profession )

My son is nearly 7. He and most of his friends went to nursery from around 1 year old, because their mums worked. A mix of 3/4/5 days a week. I don't know of any children who hated it, or who couldn't settle after the initial settling in period.

All his friends are now bright, confident children, clearly not damaged by being at nursery as babies/toddlers.

All nurseries are not the same. We used one with free flow to outside, every room had a garden with play equipment, the nursery was in an acre of land and had a forest school which all the children attended at least once a week. My son seemed to spend most of his days digging and riding trikes. He was very happy there, much happier in fact than when he started school.

I use a childminder now for school pick up and while she's lovely, I definitely wouldn't have preferred that set up.

Our son went to nursery 3 days a week 7.45 till 5pm from 10 months. He is a confidemmt, happy boy and his speexh has come on really well mixing with the other children. When he started in the Baby room ration was 3:1 and 5:1 in the Toddler room.

mine went to nursery 3 days a week from 5 months! Needs must at the time. It was stressful at first but after a while we got used to the routine of it.

now they are almost grown up and thankfully seem to be none the worse for it!

I voted YABU. I don’t think you’re unreasonable for feeling anxious about sending DS to nursery, but I don’t think that feeling is a good reason not to do it, when you’ve so clearly outlined the benefits to you and your family that your return to work will bring.

Mum guilt is a special kind of self torture I think. I didn’t like the guilt and then I could see how much my DD got out of her nursery days. Your little one will have access to playmates, messy play, and all sorts of fun. It’s not for everyone I appreciate but worked really well for us. Staff from nursery became our trusted babysitters (family aren’t close by). My daughter still has friends from baby nursery now in her mid teens even though they went to different schools. DD was confident going into school as was used to nursery and also the pre-school she went to.

Be kind to yourself, give it a go. You can be a very present parent outside work and work gives you a break and the financial stability to get the house you want long term. It’s not forever and if it really doesn’t work out, you can change things. Many people do this and have really happy kids who love nursery. All the very best, I hope it works out brilliantly!

My granddaughter will be going at four months unfortunately as my daughter has to go back to work. No choice unfortunately.

YABU

but I just feel so selfish and awful for sending him to nursery where I know he will be upset.

You don't 'know' he will be upset at all.

He is attached to me and doesn't like strangers, he cries when someone he doesn't know speaks or touches him and reaches for me

How regularly has he been looked after by other people ?

Please don’t feel guilty! It will be beneficial all the socialising playing singing so much to learn and have fun.

i work in a childcare setting and have babies as young as 5 months who come to nursery 7.30-6.30 5 days a week!

My daughter went 3 days a week at 8 months and my son at 10 months as I went back to work full time. Now 13 and 9 both are perfectly fine and are in top set in all school subjects, have no relationship issues and both thrive in sports … he’ll be fine.

Dd1 had to go back to work when dgd was 11 months 3 days a week and dgd has come on in leaps and bounds. She is now 18 months and goes 4 days a week so dd1 can study for professional exams. I was a SAHM for my 4dc and I don't think they suffered for it - went to playschool for a couple of half days a week when they hit 2 and a half. If you're happy with the nursery he'll be fine and you'll enjoy your time with him more.

the answer is he's only ever been looked after by me, DH or my parents. I am very reluctant to leave him with anyone else but I will need to rip the plaster off and try and get used to leaving him at nursery. I just feel upset at the idea of him being upset without me there and someone else doing the things that I do for him. It's just hard, the idea of him having his own experiences away from me although I know at some point it'll happen either way.

Hi
I work as a childcare provider. I have also in the past used childcare for my own children, so can see both aspects.
your little one can gain so much from attending a nursery / childcare. Being able to have a sense of self/ independence. Grow in confidence meeting new little friends within a different setting / environment.
I totally get how hard it is, I cried each time for the first few weeks at drop off with my own son.
but, he thrived. Learnt lots of new things and was more confident generally.
Good luck and

@Saladleaf my daughter went to childminders from 5 months old right through to starting school and thrived in a smaller setting Childminders still have ratio limits like nurseries. I also found childminders more flexible with hours than nurseries.

Nanny share?

Mine all were in nursery by that age. They are much older and developed great social skills.

When I was in kat leave I saw a lot of child minders out and about and I heard them gossip and saw things which I didn't like. Eyes on child etc.... but I had a great nursery and each setting has pros and cons. Do lots of research for all

My multiples went to nursery 4 days a week from 14 months. I was wracked with guilt and heartache at the idea, but I had to pay the bills. I spent ages finding somewhere I was totally happy with, but eventually I did. They were often 1st and last out (long commute) but they liked it and even now (and thry are at high school) randomly talk about a nice nursery memory! They adapted very quickly, the staff took good care of them, they liked the food and enjoyed sitting “dinner party style” with their teachers and friends to eat it, they played out lots, went on trips to the park, shops, local college and library and made lots of crafts / cakes etc.

it’s bloody hard, because you’ll miss them and worry about your decision, but you will LOVE your days off with them, and they will enjoy all the activities, food and friends. 10 hours or 6 hours quickly makes no difference to little children. They know you’ll be back and the day is v well structured. It’s not like school - there’s plenty of rest and down time, they are in comfy clothes (if you dress them that way) and they get lots of cuddles.

try not to worry, find somewhere you like and trust, ask a million questions and go with it. Good luck xx

Mine went from four and five months albeit for six hours not ten. Now 23 and 20. Smart, independent young adults. All bonded just fine.

But you're generalising childminders in the same way this poster has with nurseries?

Haha believe me nursery workers still gossip and do things you don't like- just differently because it is behind closed doors.

Mine both went full days, 5 days a week from 6 months old. I honestly think I found the first few weeks with my eldest harder than they did... she did not shed a single tear at drop off and was always so happy to go in. Once she could walk... she would literally run it to cuddle the other children and their carers. My son a couple of years later was exactly the same! I wish I hadn't had to go back to work full time when they were so little but there was no alternative for us financially and professionally. I'm sure being at home when they are under one is preferable, but as toddlers they genuinely loved all the activities, arts and crafts etc which I would never have been able to offer them at home. They are both thriving at school academically and socially, and have remained the best of friends with a number of the children they were at nursery with. If you have found a good nursery then your baby will be fine. You will cry at the first drop off but it is nice getting to have time to be an adult at work again. Don't be too hard on yourself, we all do the best we can with our individual circumstances.