To feel so guilty sending 15 month old 3 days a week to nursery?

[Saladleaf]

I am currently SAHM to DS and have had a job offer for 3 days per week when he will be 15 months. We have found a nice and not full nursery nearby.

I'm struggling a lot with guilt at the idea of him going 3 days per week for 9 or even 10 hours a day. It feels so long, and I feel so anxious that he is too young to be in nursery for this many days. Me working means we will be able to afford to buy a house and move closer to my family and he will then be able to only do 2 days at nursery and one with my DM. I don't really enjoy the monotony of being a SAHM currently and find it very hard having no break. I want to go back to work part time as it will give me a balance of feeling like my old self and being a mum, but I just feel so selfish and awful for sending him to nursery where I know he will be upset. He is attached to me and doesn't like strangers, he cries when someone he doesn't know speaks or touches him and reaches for me. I've looked at childminders in my area and I don't feel comfortable with any of them, for various reasons. We can't afford a nanny, it would take every penny I earn.

I'm hoping for some positive stories here or thoughts. Everything I see online says that nursery under 2.5 / 3 is not positive for a baby and I worry 3 full days a week is far too much. I feel like a terrible mum and so guilty every time I look at him :(

Sorry tears to start with not years !!!

Mine both went to nursery from 6 months and DD went for 4 days a week as soon as she started (DS did slightly less). They both enjoyed nursery and still have fond memories. One of DD's best friends is a girl she met at nursery and they stayed friends despite never going to school together. There was a lot of guilt-tripping online from other mums at the time (nothing ever changes) about kids in childcare being institutionalised, becoming aggressive, being insecure, why have them if you don't want to sah and look after them, yadda, yadda, yadda.

My children are now 21 and 19. I can safely say that any guilt I felt about sending them to nursery and working full-time was misplaced. They are fabulous, independent, sociable and ambitious young adults. One at uni having the time of her life, one graduated and working. I am very close to both of them (no problems with bonding there) and they both assure me that they had the best childhoods!

Just do what is best for your family and it will be the right thing.

Okay I could have written this with my first 2 years ago. I sobbed at the thought of her going to nursery, I felt guilty, it genuinely made me sick. But she is now 2 ½, she does term time only due to my job, she does 3 days a week 8-5, and she LOVES it. She was my shadow and sidekick, I never went anywhere without her, in that 2½ years I have had 1 night away from her when I had my 2nd baby. I am not someone who willingly gives up time with her, I enjoy being with her, but nursery offers things I can't. She has grown so much being there, she is learning how to interact with peers, how to be in groups, how to share, take turns, be with other adults, find comfort away from me. Yes she's had some days she hasn't wanted me to leave her, she cries, I get back to the car and I cry and ALWAYS nursery have messaged me within 30 minutes saying she is over it and happy, with a photo so I know it is true. They do settling in sessions so it isn't a new big scary experience in one go. My DD first session was whilst I filled in paperwork and she played in the next room, but if she'd come through the door she would have seen me. Ask if they do settling in sessions, if it isn't something they normally offer, ask if they will do as beneficial for your son.
Also, it is okay to feel guilty, but equally and almost more importantly it is okay to need to find a bit of you space and time too.

You’re seeing lots of sahm content so the algorithms will be showing you all of the anti childcare things.
You’re doing this to get your son a happier fulfilled mummy and a happier home. Part time is perfect for his age.
if it works with new jobs you might want to consider more half sessions eg work mornings only, as the long days are quite a lot

I hear you OP. I sent mine into nursery at aged 2 for 3 days a week. It was hard! I do have a belief that toddlers and babies should always be with their parents but it just isn't doable for most people.

We did many settling in sessions and, whilst I know my kid would rather be with me, they have settled well and definitely grown in confidence.

3 days a week is a good balance. I took a financial hit as I really should have been working 5 days but I enjoyed the time we had together on non nursery days

Ex nanny here now a maternity nurse and I would always choose a cm over a nursery

it’s a home from home. Usual ratio is 3 under 5 or 6 under 8 tho are exceptions twins /siblings

if he cries over strangers a nursery will be a lot for him to take on

but it’s good for you to work as you want to

i do find a lot of mums are happier at work and back to being ‘blondes’ and not just mummy and 3 days is great as working but still time as mummy and I think the best of both worlds

@divorcinganabsolutewanker au pairs are not meant to look after under 3’s and usually for school age kids and work 7:9 and 3:6

9/10hrs is normal as often a 8/9hr working day plus travel

there is no point in feeling guilt as many/most parents have to work and in doing so you are providing a forever roof over their heads

That is so young, I couldn't do it.

Out of all the responses, you choose to reply to a negative one - what about all the positives on here?. This is definitely a you issue but it may be right for the child.

Three days a week sounds ideal. The days sound very long though, if that can be worked on at all that would be better.
As in, your dh collecting him earlier or arranging to drop off a little later. (You should share nursery drop offs whenever possible - don't get into a habit of it always being you)

My DD went into nursery full time at age 6 months, it broke my heart at first as I just wanted to be at home with her. However, I had to go back to work and we were in the military, not near any family so we had no choice. My DD absolutely thrived. The nursery was rated outstanding and she loved it there. Clearly she may have loved being at home too if she’d had the chance but I’ll never know. At nursery she socialised with others, did messy play, was stimulated all day long and had fun things to do. At home with me she wouldn’t have had that same level of interaction i don’t think, as I would have had to clean, iron, do the supermarket shop etc…she’s now a very rounded, happy young lady who’s just left for University and is thriving there. So do what you need to do for you and your family, nursery is not the end of the world, it can be a very positive experience.

This was years ago and I'm not in UK so likely different rules.

Why is that better than a 1:2 ratio that my son had in baby room?

My 2nd child had a childminder. Twice ( sometimes 3 tines) a day she was bundled into a car to do school runs at different schools. Luckily for me childminder worked non 9_5 hours at times so helped with my shifts.

She was very good childminder though and a person friend and neighbour of mine

So young? What on earth do you think all us parents did who had 16 weeks maternity leave?

The nursery should do settling in sessions, you’ll get much more of a feel of how DC will be once they are done.
10 years ago now but DC did 3 days a week at nursery from 9 months old, 4 days at 12 months and 5 days from 18 months. We most often had tears when leaving at the end of the day, mot wanting to leave!
I found going back to work improved my mental health massively and as a result I was a more engaged parent.
We chose nursery because CMs we met with seemed to be doing it so they could be home with their own children rather than wanting to be CMs. I also didn’t fancy DC being carted round the multiple school runs they all seemed to do, or the lack of ‘other eyes on’ as PP have referenced. Space and food/nutrition were also concerns. Basically we felt the nurseries were professional environments with regulations, policies and safeguards whereas all the CMs we saw (5 in total!) didn’t seem very professional at all.

That’s rare. The ratio is 1 adult to 3 babies

so yours must have been a quiet nursery

a cm would never have 3 under 1 - where a nursery often would esp if parents go back at 6/9mths

then once over 3 , it’s 1 to 4 in a nursery

the cm would only have 3 under 5

once the toddlers hits 3 - ratio goes up again to double in a nursery - so 1 adult to 8 children

again the cm would only have 3 under 5

Ratio in nursery

Under 2s

1:3

2-year-olds

1:4

3 and over

1:8 (or 1:13 if the adult is a qualified teacher / EYT / QTS)

There was maximum of 6 kids in baby room and 3 staff

Not all nurseries stuff in as many kids as possible to stretch out the ratio

cm did have 3 under 5 plus another 3 older ( inc her own child). So when my 6 month old was with her after school hours there were plenty of kids

Yes they can have 6 under 8
but not all cm do school runs

my friend doesn’t. She only has little ones so only 3

as that’s who fits in her car comfortably

So tge 6 under 8 ratio is worse than the 1:2 or even your 1:3 at ghe baby room in nursery. Hence the thing of better ratios at cm doesn't add up

So choose one that doesn't do school runs. I dont, plenty of others I know don't either. Currently I have two 3 year olds and a 2 year old, fab ratios (and currently all sleeping).

My 14mo does 3 days a week at nursery and has coped really well. It’s an adjustment and the nursery bugs are brutal for a while but I don’t think most children are traumatised by going to nursery.

6 under 8 and 3 under 5
so means she has have 3 toddlers and 3 at school

not 6 little 2/3yrs

But for the 6 month old that's still less adult attention that they'd get at nursery. Or are you unable to calculate that? They'd be one of 6 kids to the adult rather than one of 2 or 3

Kind of irrelevant now as DD is grown but how many flexible childminders who work covering shifts you know with spaces that you can be so picky?

And obviously she didn't do school runs in the holidays so was 6 of them then. Oh and adding to that one of the kids she collected from schools was my elder one so did need a CM that did school runs

There will be a settling in period with the nursery where your little one adjusts to the new environment. My DS1 went when he was 13 months old, he had only known myself/dad/grandparents before then. He struggled to begin with but now he marches in without a backwards glance. He’s nearly 2. It did take a couple of months for him to adjust but has done him the world of good. I will say that he only goes 2 mornings and an afternoon a week because I am incredibly fortunate and have an amazing MIL who looks after him the rest of the time. Now that he has adjusted, we will be increasing his hours to get ready for school in a couple of years and also I now have DS2 (11 weeks old) that my MIL will be looking after once I go back to work. It has been a pretty positive experience overall but the first few times I dropped him off, I came home and cried. I technically didn’t need to put him in nursery at all but we felt he needed it as he got very little interaction with other kids otherwise. His social skills have come on leaps and bounds since going. As long as you are prepared for a bumpy ride initially, it will get better as they get used to it.

I returned to work when my son was 17 months old as hubby was being made redundant. I worked 4 days a week and hubby took a day off mid week to look after our son meaning he did 3 days at nursery. Until then, I'd never left him. It was long days, 7.30-6.00, and it was a shock for him. But he did cope, he made friends (stayed friends with 1 of them for years after) and it meant that we could pay the bills.
Me and my son are still extremely close and I don't regret my extended time at home with him or having to return to work.