To feel so guilty sending 15 month old 3 days a week to nursery?

[Saladleaf]

I am currently SAHM to DS and have had a job offer for 3 days per week when he will be 15 months. We have found a nice and not full nursery nearby.

I'm struggling a lot with guilt at the idea of him going 3 days per week for 9 or even 10 hours a day. It feels so long, and I feel so anxious that he is too young to be in nursery for this many days. Me working means we will be able to afford to buy a house and move closer to my family and he will then be able to only do 2 days at nursery and one with my DM. I don't really enjoy the monotony of being a SAHM currently and find it very hard having no break. I want to go back to work part time as it will give me a balance of feeling like my old self and being a mum, but I just feel so selfish and awful for sending him to nursery where I know he will be upset. He is attached to me and doesn't like strangers, he cries when someone he doesn't know speaks or touches him and reaches for me. I've looked at childminders in my area and I don't feel comfortable with any of them, for various reasons. We can't afford a nanny, it would take every penny I earn.

I'm hoping for some positive stories here or thoughts. Everything I see online says that nursery under 2.5 / 3 is not positive for a baby and I worry 3 full days a week is far too much. I feel like a terrible mum and so guilty every time I look at him :(

This is how I felt, plus if someone at nursery is off ill they get temp staff in, not tell you they can't take your child. DP and I had a day each with him at home so he only attended 3 days and we made sure it wasn't 3 in a row. This helped tremendously with illnesses and the 48 hour rule.

I'll be honest by 18 months I was glad he attended nursery. He was bored out of his mind at home and I felt exhausted trying to keep him entertained - a bored toddler is destructive (at least mine is).

I do have to say though that his nursery has a large garden and they seem to spend a lot of time playing outside, which I'm sure helps.

My DS started nursery 3 days a week from 8am to 6pm at 7 months. He settled in quickly and enjoyed it. DD started at the same nursery a couple of years later for the same days / hours at 11 months and also enjoyed it. Both stayed until they started school and remember it positively. As for no fresh air, the DC’s nursery had a massive garden and they were out playing loads. Both DC are now young adults at uni and have been absolutely fine. It is so hard leaving them at the start though, I remember crying my eyes out the first time I left DS and calling the nursery several times a day to check he was OK. Both DC napped well at nursery so were not over tired by 6pm.

Why not wait till he is a bit older? You have said you know he’d be upset.

Every situation is different.
My childminder was fantastic and enriched my child's life immeasurably

He gets upset because you have not exposed him to the wider world. One of your jobs as a mother is to rear someone as a community member. My son loved nursery and would cry on the days I collected him early 😉 They do wonderful stuff at nurseries that really you can't be bothered with at home. Interaction is everything - for you and your child.

I felt like this when DS was 13m and went. He’s now 15m and I essentially throw him in and run. I love him dearly but that time away is therapeutic.

Mine went to nursery from that age and they were absolutely fine. If you can you should be able to be there for settle in sessions while he gets used to it. And they often have an individual key worker who is assigned to them when they start so that is someone that they can build a closer bond with.

When it was time for school it was a very easy transition after being in nursery. No issues now- well balanced, sociable and very close relationship with us as parents.

Our son started nursery at 13 months, had only been without one of us for 20 minutes before that. He's absolutely loving it. I am glad to be working part time and my back is so much better now I am not carrying him all day, every day.

Mine started a couple of days per week at 13 months, and if I’d known how things would go…I would have felt no guilt whatsoever! I’d only ever left mine with a grandparent for a couple of hours before then, and although he was upset at first, he settled really well after drop-off quite quickly to my surprise - soon it was tears being handed over which I heard stop before he was carried around the corner, then none at all.

I know some will say there are no benefits for the child in childcare until they are older, but I disagree from personal experience. He clearly loves the activities there and being around other children. I’m not the mum who’s going to be baking and finger painting with a toddler tbh, so I think it’s great he goes somewhere he can do these things and more. It has been so much better for my mental health being at work.

The downside is all the illnesses, but that’s coming at some point for your child anyway! Just be kind to yourself as you adjust to the whole thing.

I'd be looking at the finances of it. You say you need to go back to be able to afford a house, but how much is the nursery going to cost you? If you're only going to be £300 or so up a month, I'd be looking into saving nursery costs and getting a job you can do in the evenings when your husband is home. I actually think nursery is good for them, but just not for 10hours a day. I actually sent mine even though technically I didn't need to, just so they experienced it and it was good for them but I will never think it's good for small babies/toddlers to go for incredibly long days.

When I say, I didn't need to, I don't mean I wasnt working. I was, in the evenings. I sent them to give me a break as well!

Both of mine went to nursery full time from 12 months. They both loved it. DD8 looks back on it with very fond memories and DD3 is still there and even asks to go on the weekend. It is great for their social skills, learning routines and independence and preparing them for school. Us mums feel guilty about everything but try to see this as giving them an opportunity rather than depriving them of time with you. It’s also only a couple of days a week - means you can make the most of your time together on your days off - you’ll benefit from being a grown up again for a bit in between.

I did exactly the same arrangement, including long days but with baby basically half that age. She is thriving there and so happy to go, her social and physical development have come on loads and she is so outgoing and confident. Granted she may have been like this anyway but nursery has definitely benefitted her. It’s hard sending them in at first, before you know it they’re running in without a backwards glance!

Honestly, I know you're worried about a childminder in their home but I'd really recommend it. There are occasionally issues with childcare of the type you're worried about, and from what I see in the news, if people are that type of person, being in a nursery doesn't really help with safeguarding etc. My little boy was with a childminder 3 days a week from 11 mths, some days it was just him and he got 121 care, amazing outings to parks, museums, farm parks, playgroups, aquariums etc. She did craft activities, had a beautiful garden, grew fruit and veg, messy play and lots of love and cuddles plus proper naps in a cot. I thought it was much better than the staff turnover and sitting in 1 room all day other than a bit of outdoor play space which is what happens at a nursery. We are still in touch with our previous cm even now that dc is 10, she was like a grandparent to us. If you research attachment theory and the best child care options for younger kids, then they really are a better option if you find a good one.
Wherever you do send your little one, you're going to end up better off financially, you'll be happier emotionally and you already have a plan for the increased earnings that in the long term will make your little one very happy. Never feel bad for putting those things at the top of the priority list. Lots of children are at nursery full time, 10 hours a day, before they turn 1, it's not for me but you're doing just great and don't let the mum guilt creep in!

Mine was in 3 days a week at 15 months and so was virtually every other baby I knew from baby groups as well. I can't think of anyone who didn't have their babies in at least 3 days minimum from that age.

Most studies will say there isn't any benefits but what also they mention is that babies aren't adversely impacted either. It's a neutral for them. However I did feel mine got so much from nursery, they got heaps of outdoor time and activities and socialisation as well.

Mine is now 3.5 and is a confident, happy, well attached boy. I have friends as well with much older kids who went nursery and there's absolutely no difference between them and those that went to nursery.

In my circle at least it is totally standard for children to go to nursery for 9-10 hours per day for a few days a week from age 1. If you want to go back to work there is often no other option. I can hardly think of anyone I know who didn’t send children to nursery part time at this age and all seem happy well-adjusted children a few years on.

My two boys were really happy in nursery from that age and I felt it was beneficial for them over being at home all the time. I had read about a home environment being better for very young children so was pleasantly surprised by how much they seemed to get out of it. My oldest was a Covid baby and was clingy and upset for the first week but only at handover - he was fine once inside. My second was never upset going in.

I chose the nursery carefully and it was excellent. I preferred it over a nanny or child minder (both of which I considered). I liked the variety of activities and planning that went into these, that they spent loads of time outdoors in a really lovely environment, the interaction with other children, that they had healthy food which they seemed to love and that there were strong safeguarding procedures and that I got a lot of feedback on how my children were doing. The staff were really warm and engaged. I never had any concerns about my children’s happiness or safety at nursery.

I sometimes felt guilt about the length of the day but they both napped well at nursery, which helped. I actually feel more guilty about after school club now they’re in school.

As a working mom I find posts like this so frustrating- not at you OP but at the world narrative that has made you think this is a problem. Has your husband/partner ever once said “I feel bad going back to work” and had to justify why he’s going back to work?
i was a full person before i had a child, im a full person after, I just have some more responsibilities to wrestle into my 24hours. DS (who is now two and thriving) has been in nursery from 6months, and full time (well, 4.5 days a week) since 9months. He is well socialised, he runs to his caregivers and shouts about what he does every day. He also runs to us when we pick him up. We have a lovely time at home at weekends, holidays and before and after nursery. We have no attachment issues, even better, we can afford a nice life for him and we are both fulfilled as adults.
that’s not to say every parent should work, for some being a SAHP is a calling and that’s fine, but dressing childcare up as the enemy doesn’t help anyone, least of all you. Going back to work makes sense for you, there are people - specialists with training, regulations and qualifications - who will look after your child whilst you do. They will make sure they’re warm, dry, loved, entertained and educated in the process. don’t feel guilty about that.
if you can shorten the days then do that, simply because you feel like you get and evening rather than straight to bed, but if you can’t, that’s fine. You will still have 4 entire days together, plus night time, plus getting ready in the morning - don’t under value that.

@Saladleaf I hear you. My DD started nursery 4 day a week at 11 months and the first couple of weeks were harder than I expected (and we had had multiple nights away etc). It’s hard to accept the end of an era of just you and them. Separation anxiety is real and it is quite possible that your little one will be upset when you leave them at the nursery but often it’s just the initial being left that’s distressing for them and they usually settle quite well without you - that’s been my experience anyway. I also think if you don’t do it now, they may just experience something similar when they go to school anyway. My experience with our nursery has been 100% positive. They’re so attentive, they absolutely love my dc and she them. Her development has been insane and she does lots of fun things there that I wouldn’t have the creativity or energy to do with her. I love that I can just enjoy her when she’s home rather than worry about her development and if I’m doing enough things to try and support this as she’s getting that from nursery.

It definitely can be challenging and the first couple of weeks / months takes adjusting but I genuinely enjoy time with my DC sooo much more because I appreciate it more. My advice would be if you have the opportunity to, start your child in nursery a week or two before you need to be at work - that way you can both get used to new routine without the stress of work. It also means if there’s any illnesses which are common first few weeks you’re available and it’s less stressful to pick them up.

You’ve mentioned so many great reasons for you to take on this job. Ultimately being a parent isn’t just about spending every last second with your child but about making decisions that ensure they have the best future imaginable. It sounds like taking this job will be amazing for you and your DC so even in the tough moments remember you’re doing it for them.

I have worked 3 days a week since my eldest was 7 months. She went to nursery from 7 months (3 days a week) my youngest 3 days a week since she was 9 months.
I wouldn’t have it any other way! One I totally agree with the monotony, I need to break it up. Two I think it’s great for them socially. My 2 year old comes back telling me all about her friends and loves going! I take her to activities on both my days off but I think she spends a lot of time following me around while I do housework, playing alone or watching cartoons while I try to bring back some order to the house! Three the nursery does all sorts of fun activities that I never do…you know the ones that take 20 mins to set up, holds there attention for 10 minutes and then takes another 20 to clean up? She gets different experiences from being at nursery. I also put her in a nursery next to my eldest’s primary school so a lot of the children she knows now she will eventually go to school with making that transition easier. My eldest didn’t know anyone when she joined the school’s nursery and did find it harder to make friends and settle in. All her friends went to the primary school local to the nursery she use to go to.

He will be absolutely fine OP. It’s a very normal amount of hours for thousands of kids across the country. It’s normal for up to be anxious and sad but don’t show that to him. Sounds like you will thrive being back at work which means he will too!

Honestly OP this is perfectly normal and, if it is a good nursery, can actually be really beneficial to their social skills.

I do understand your concerns at leaving him. I went back to work four full days a week when DD was about 9 months. When I took her in for the first "taster" session of a couple of hours she screamed when I left her and it was so hard. But when I went back to collect her she was perfectly calm and happy. The first week back at work I found tough because I missed being at home with her, but we both soon settled down.

She was in the nursery until she started school and genuinely seemed very happy there and when she started school took it well in her stride as I think the nursery prepared them well.

I would disagree with some of the others about child minders. During DDs last year before school we used a child minder two days a week and nursery two days a week. This was just down to logistics reasons around getting her to pre school sessions at her future primary school. The child minder was OK but I definitely felt she had a better time, more stimulation and more company at the nursery. Plus there is the problem if the child minder or their child is poorly or they go on holiday

DS went to nursery three days a week from 7 months old. I dropped him at 7.45 ish and picked him up anywhere between 5 and 6. He loved his nursery, he went through a slightly clingy phase when he was about 18 months old and cried and clung to me when I dropped him off but they said he always calmed down in a few minutes once he had some breakfast in front of him 😂 He was fine the rest of the day and also got very annoyed if I collected him before he’s had tea time snack, so he actually really liked nursery and still has fond memories of it.

Due to house move, DD went to a childminder from 4 months old, also three days a week. She loved it there and they both still go to her after school three days a week.

It’s a shame you don’t like any childminders in your area (I get it, there are some I wouldn’t have used here but also a few really good ones, including mine.)

My 1 year old has just started and honestly my heart is a little bit heart broken but it’s necessary for me to return to work and the nursery is lovely with so many activities and a fab outdoor space. From what I gather she spent the whole day today being cuddled! I’m hoping she does thrive there and will be doing three days a week.

@Saladleaf I have a 9 month old DS and he just started going to nursery last week because I have to go back to work in a week (my salary is significantly higher than DP’s, so I don’t have a choice). He is going 5 days a week, full day because we both work full time. I was worried about the transition because he is so little still and very attached to me (he breastfeeds), but he has been doing just fine! The nursery sends us lots of updates about how he is doing and pictures so I feel reassured he’s ok. There are a few tears at drop off, but then he gets on with it and plays, naps, eats and has a good time. Anecdotally (in case it helps reassure you), I started attending nursery myself at age 1 because both my parents worked full-time, and I think I turned out completely fine (and going to school was easy because I was already used to going to nursery every day). Regarding guilt, it is normal to feel guilty—I just keep telling myself I’ll be a better mom this way because I’ll be looking after myself and my personal achievement.

He'll most probably love it and will certainly be fine, they enjoy being round other kids of that age.

4 days with parents and 3 in nursery is a good balance (for both of you)

Change is always a bit anxiety making but don't make it more than it is

I know this isn’t a nursery v childminder thread, but I do feel that when parents rave about nurseries ( generally speaking, not taking about this thread ) it’s usually about all the activities their baby/ toddler participates in. How many activities can the average 18 month old handle in a 10 hour day?
young children need nurturing and lots of attention, their attention span is short, so wonderful, carefully planned activities are usually completely lost on them. ( everything just goes in their mouth at that age anyway ) My personal view is pick a small setting that concentrates on the 3 core areas of learning ( communication & language, physical development, & personal, social & emotional development ) so lots of chatting to the children, stories, singing, etc, rather then endless ‘activities’ -there are some good smaller nurseries op that aren’t part of large ( profit driven ) chains.
all the best, your child will be fine :)