To feel so guilty sending 15 month old 3 days a week to nursery?

[Saladleaf]

I am currently SAHM to DS and have had a job offer for 3 days per week when he will be 15 months. We have found a nice and not full nursery nearby.

I'm struggling a lot with guilt at the idea of him going 3 days per week for 9 or even 10 hours a day. It feels so long, and I feel so anxious that he is too young to be in nursery for this many days. Me working means we will be able to afford to buy a house and move closer to my family and he will then be able to only do 2 days at nursery and one with my DM. I don't really enjoy the monotony of being a SAHM currently and find it very hard having no break. I want to go back to work part time as it will give me a balance of feeling like my old self and being a mum, but I just feel so selfish and awful for sending him to nursery where I know he will be upset. He is attached to me and doesn't like strangers, he cries when someone he doesn't know speaks or touches him and reaches for me. I've looked at childminders in my area and I don't feel comfortable with any of them, for various reasons. We can't afford a nanny, it would take every penny I earn.

I'm hoping for some positive stories here or thoughts. Everything I see online says that nursery under 2.5 / 3 is not positive for a baby and I worry 3 full days a week is far too much. I feel like a terrible mum and so guilty every time I look at him :(

My little boy is 22 months now, he started nursery three days a week at 12 months when I went back to work.
I also feel guilty about the long days and having to send him at such a young age, but for me it just wasn’t feasible to give up work.
I think he’s happy there - the staff all seem lovely and caring, he gets lots of time outside, lots of messy play activities, eats well and sleeps well. Very rare that he is upset at drop off and he’s always playing happily when I pick him up.
I decided against a childminder for the exact same reasons you did. The guilt hasn’t really gone for me, especially as I do feel like work gives me a break. I also read that nursery isn’t beneficial until age 3 but what choice do most of us have?

My DD was in nursery 3 days a week while i worked. It gave me time and money to be me and time i could spend with my DD. She absolutely loved nursery.

Mine doesn't do "endless" activities all day. In fact I don't know many nurseries that do. It's a mixture of songs, reading, free play and lots of outdoor time.

When people are speaking about activities, from what I gather people like myself are speaking about sensory play, messy and water play that they tend not to do at home. I don't really think anyone here has suggested their child is on some sort of non-stop activity treadmill at nursery!

You'll feel guilty for the first week or so, and then you'll never look back.

Childminder above nursery if possible to avoid lots of bugs and provide a more relaxed family setting. They're like hens teeth though

This is completely normal OP. We sent DC1 to nursery 2.5 days per week from 1 (then 3 days per week from 18 months) and he was one of the lowest amounts of hours per week. A lot of kids were there 4 days or full time. He had a wobble around age 2 but generally really liked it.

And honestly, as someone who used a private nursery for DC1 and is currently using a CM for DC2, if the nursery felt right it will be fine. Our CM is lovely and very experienced and I’m glad we have her. But I don’t think it’s a vastly different experience compared to a good nursery with nice staff and low ratios. A good nursery will tailor the activities to the age of the child to prevent overwhelm. And, negatives of a CM is, if she is sick, we are in trouble. And she takes a fair amount of holiday per year which cuts into our leave at times we wouldn’t have necessarily chosen. So yeah, stick with your guns if the nursery felt right.

DS 16 months goes 3 full days a week and thrives there. He’s in about 8 and a half hours as we’re lucky that nursery is very close to work. When we picked him up last Thursday he cried because he was having so much fun in the garden he didn’t want to leave 🥺 I find it a nice balance as he still gets 4 days with me and/or DH (I work Sundays so we can have a day less at nursery), and I don’t feel guilty if our days together aren’t always packed with activities as he’s got those 3 days of constant stimulation and socialisation. Sometimes he needs a ‘down’ day too.

Review your thoughts on childminders you get a better ratio you get better qualifications. You get more experience and you get a single person looking after your child unlike a nursery. Those factors should help you deal with your anxiety. Your child is ready for its next step has been for over a year Check out the offset reports of your local childminder that will be helpful. Good luck.

My oldest was in nursery 3 days a week at 8.5 months, and loved it. There is nothing to be guilty about and the socialisation is very valuable. Go and make the best of having some time when you are not 'mummy' - it's good for you and frankly I think it's good for kids too.

Great post.

It's just hard, the idea of him having his own experiences away from me

I can tell you my 3 young adults have fantastic memories of doing all sorts of things with other adults, without me, throughout their childhoods, and are probably much more rounded, confident and sociable people for it.

I voted YANBU because you’re not being unreasonable but I am going to bet you it’ll be the best thing you do for both your DC and yourself and you’ll see that once you and they settle in. It’s natural to feel how you feel but it’s so lovely to see them mingle and interact and, for me at least, I needed to be back at work to get more balance for myself. Listen, if it doesn’t work you can just stop and revert back - give it a chance. Good luck!

Firstly the fact that you are seeking advice shows you are not a bad mum, quite the opposite.

You need to do what’s right for your family circumstances. If you really want to/have to work part time is a happy medium, however putting a child of any age into childcare for 9/10 hours per day would be a hard no from me.

My kids both started at 12 months for 3 days a week. My daughter was a people person and just went straight in from day 1. My son was all me and very shy- i was so worried. He's 18 months now and runs in! He loves his nursery workers. Sometimes when I go to collect him he shouts no! And carries on playing with whatever he's doing. My nursery is fantastic though, very outdoorsy and creative. They've also both made loads of friends (as have I with their mums) we all meet out of nursery regularly and it's so lovely to see them all grow up together.
My daughter is almost 4 now so in her last year and I know she is going to miss it so much.
They learn incredible amounts and do things that I'd never think of.
To cut to the chase, it'll be hard going leaving them for the first week or so, and it is really sad, but they will be OK.
I'm definitely grateful that I only have to do 3 days a week. There's a child there that started at 3 months 4 days a week, 7.30am-6pm.
I also find that i enjoy my days off with them much more. I genuinely dont think i could be the best mum for them 7 days a week, as sad as that sounds!
If I were you I would start them the week before you start work, so that you can just do half days or go and collect them if they're too sad.

If you have to work then you have to work. You don't have a choice. If you don't have to work then no, it's not ideal, and if that's the case I would rethink it to be honest.

Well my eldest went to nursery at 3 months. Now perfectly functional, socialble adult with no anxiety problems etc. youngest went at 5.5 months and a more outgoing lad you will never meet. Middle one at childminders at 5 months

No need to feel guilty. You are not sending him to a torture chamber

Why do you think this is a helpful comment?
“oh, well it’s a bad thing to do but I guess you can’t help it. Such a shame.”

Absolutely nothing wrong with a woman returning to work to improve personal and familial conditions whilst using a regulated professional to provide care. Not a make do scenario.
Do you judge her husband for the same?

There is literally nothing to feel guilty about. You are talking about providing for your child - a safe childcare arrangement, a new home, close relationship with grandparents. No idea what you’ve been reading but nursery perfectly good for children from younger than 2.5/3 - in fact that seems late to me for important skills and socialising before the school start at 3-4yo. There is lots of positive evidence about children growing up with a working mother too. My 3 kids all went to nursery full-time from the end of my maternity leave (8-12mo) bc I work full time and so does DH. All happy and thriving.

He will be even more upset then (more than likely).

Nothing at all to feel guilty about. Mine go 5 days a week and started much younger than 15 months.

Women are allowed to have careers, financial independence etc and many DC love nursery. DS sometimes even asks to go to nursery at the weekend.

My GC went to nursery at 6 months, 4 days a week (I covered the 5th day) when their single parent's maternity leave finished. Soon settled in and their parent realised any misgivings were down to their feelings and not the baby's. Now 17 years old and eats anything, is sociable and comfortable around new people. Had to change schools a couple of times (locations moved) and coped with new friendship groups - perhaps the trick is not to project the parent's feelings of loss but to be calm and positive.

💯 % this!

@AmusedMaker doesn't sound like you’ve spent much time around a nursery or 18 month olds recently. Like @Radiatelikethis has said it’s not non stop activities (although my personal experience of my 17 month old is she would actually love that) - most nurseries fit in at least 2 meal times a day and a nap certainly at that age. The “activities” my dc does IS reading, singing, she goes outside most days for an hour or so and they play with a tray of toys or jelly or some other messy play with sand / water- all in age appropriate ways and all fun ways that work on developing their skills.

I have lots of friends with children at nursery and never have I heard one of them complaining that their children are overstimulated by the activities. So yes I am a mother that “raves” about nursery because my child is happy and thriving there, it’s like her second home and I love and trust the staff. In fact some of the staff there we’ve paid privately to babysit for us. It’s nice that she does fun activities but that’s not the reason I “rave” about it.

Another who’s DC has thrived at nursery.

She went 2 days a week from 13 months and 3 days a week from 15 months. Grandparents cover the other 2 days. I have to work for financial reasons but if I’m honest being a SAHM never crossed my mind anyway.

I would warn you that the settle period was not great and the guilt was awful despite not having a choice. We had tears at drop off for a few months but nursery were great about it and now at 2 she runs in. She mixes with other children, does so many things we wouldn’t probably do at home, and has trained professionals encouraging her development.

I do feel guilty at times but it’s just life for most of us. I know DCs who went earlier and for longer hours. All absolutely fine. I doubt their father’s feel the same guilt about doing what they have to do to pay the bills.

OP you are absolutely doing the right thing here for yourself and your family.

9-10 hours is a long day but at that age they sleep for a couple of hours of that!

I have twins they went to nursery 2 days a week at 15 months and I went back to work 3 days a week, my mum had them for one day. It was the best balance and I've been able to progress well in my career. DTs thrived, they are lovely teens now.

You will have the majority of the week with your DC.

YANBU to feel like that, OP. Sadly the cost of living these days is such that in most cases, you need to have 2 working parents to survive. It’s a shame, but you are not alone.

100% this.

Nursery did loads of stuff that i was never going to do (unless i suddenly acquired a bigger house and significantly less cooking/housework responsibility).

Plus he has made loads of friends, and it has enabled us both to work which gives us each a sense of professional satisfcation and improves the outlook for our family.

He will still be with you for most of the week!

It’s the age my two started nursery. Older one loved it, younger one not so much. I’d say try it out for a term to see how he responds and how you feel.