To feel so guilty sending 15 month old 3 days a week to nursery?

[Saladleaf]

I am currently SAHM to DS and have had a job offer for 3 days per week when he will be 15 months. We have found a nice and not full nursery nearby.

I'm struggling a lot with guilt at the idea of him going 3 days per week for 9 or even 10 hours a day. It feels so long, and I feel so anxious that he is too young to be in nursery for this many days. Me working means we will be able to afford to buy a house and move closer to my family and he will then be able to only do 2 days at nursery and one with my DM. I don't really enjoy the monotony of being a SAHM currently and find it very hard having no break. I want to go back to work part time as it will give me a balance of feeling like my old self and being a mum, but I just feel so selfish and awful for sending him to nursery where I know he will be upset. He is attached to me and doesn't like strangers, he cries when someone he doesn't know speaks or touches him and reaches for me. I've looked at childminders in my area and I don't feel comfortable with any of them, for various reasons. We can't afford a nanny, it would take every penny I earn.

I'm hoping for some positive stories here or thoughts. Everything I see online says that nursery under 2.5 / 3 is not positive for a baby and I worry 3 full days a week is far too much. I feel like a terrible mum and so guilty every time I look at him :(

The also added bonus of nursery, is that when you're on annual leave, they can still go to nursery and you can get a day (or two) to yourself! I found this an absolute game changer for my mental health and I really benefit from it.

No doubt the "why did you both having kids if you don't want to spend time with them" brigade will be along, horrified at the idea of using childcare to give yourself a break, but we aren't meant to parent alone and it's something I'm looking forward to to my 2nd going in!

My DS was in nursery 8-6 3 days a week from a year old. I much preferred it to a childminder, if the childminder gets sick or goes on holiday you have to make other arrangements, also a lot of childminders are term time only but the nursery was year round (except for a week at Christmas), they also had an outside area and went on outings so wasn't couped up inside all day.
My little one loved it and they were really helpful when he started showing signs of autism getting his EHCP done before he started school which has been worth it's weight in gold!

He did pick up a fair amount of bugs but I think it's done his immune system good as he's now in year 3 and only had 1 afternoon off for sickness!

My 18 month old goes to the childminders for 3 days a week, usually for around 8.5 hours. She loves it, also tires her out nicely so she sleeps like a dream on those days! Also I think the nursery/childminder debate can depend on the child as well. Mine still likes to have 2 naps a day, and is quite timid so childminder works well for her as it’s more quiet, whereas my sister has a very boisterous one year old who only naps once a day, she has started nursery 3.5 days a week and loves it 😂 also I have a super flexible work from home job, so childminder is fine for us as I can just not work if she’s ill/on holiday, and it’s about a quarter of the price of nursery. But for my friends that are nurses etc, they need that reliability of the nursery being open

😂 I look after 2 of my grandchildren 2 days a week! ( both under 3 )
I’m not anti-nursery at all ( despite me not wanting my children in one until they started school nursery )
I just think the vast majority of toddlers don’t need half the stuff nurseries offer. ( and btw, I have been inside a couple of nurseries, albeit briefly, most of the children were just on the floor playing with toys, nothing special going on. And that’s fine.

Interestingly, in my fairly affluent area, it’s childminders & forest schools that are in demand.
Your average nursery seems to be the go to for parents who have literally no help for holiday cover ( always wonder how these parents manage when their children start school & are off for 3 months a year ) or can’t afford forest schools.

I completely get this. I've worked FT, so both my 2 & 4 year old have been at nursery FT, except for when I was on maternity leave. I remember crying about it a lot from the time my first was about 6 months as the idea of leaving him was so gut wrenching. Being FT isn't a choice as such, I'm only doing it until we can move to a bigger place when I'll look to drop a day or two.

I actually think 3 days is great mix of socialisation for little one, and a chance for you to have adult company and make some extra money. A good nursery can be really good for them. My first loved it. Second is more clingy and would probably like more time with me (I still have the guilt), but the staff there genuinely care about the children and it's like a second home almost. My eldest started school in September and they still ask how he's getting on.

Cut yourself some slack. It's hard enough being a mum x

Well yes, it’s very difficult for parents who have no other help to manage childcare in the summer holidays, but that’s not the fault of the parent! We have no help and both work, so we have to stagger annual leave and use holiday clubs, like many people.

Both my DS were in nursery from 12 months from 7.30 to 5.45.
It's a long day but it's a day that is totally built around the child. They don't get semi ignored while the housework or cooking is being done. The staff are always there to interact.
We chose a nursery that I loved. Not the shiniest but full of lovely staff ranging from young apprentices to almost at retirement age.
They also did a lot of messy play, something that I don't enjoy (except cooking which randomly I love doing despite the mess) so I felt that I could focus on the things that I enjoyed when we were at home.
They did take a little while to settle and cried at drop off but the staff used to call and send photos to show that they settled really quickly.
I lived being back at work and keeping my career going. Now that they are older it means we have 2 incomes and can afford little luxuries like an extra club and save up for the secondary school trips...

Mine went to nursery full time from 12 months. They love(d) it! Now almost 3 and 5. They learnt so much from the different experience. From having peers and friends. From learning to interact with a group of other kids without parents hovering over them. Doing all sort of messy play and activities i would not have set up at home. It set them up so well for school. They are happy, loved and secure kids.

In defence of forest schools, yes it’s a bit of a fad right now, but quite a good one as fads go.

My children’s nursery had a large wooded area. They had campfires, built dens, played in a mud kitchen and with sand /water, had stories in a hut in the woods, did gardening, hunted for bugs, made hedgehog homes etc. They took the babies out to sit them on the grass and pick daisies and crawl around. They also had lots of time inside playing.

I don’t think those things are “necessary “ but my children had a lovely time and I much preferred that to them being inside all day.

I chose a school with a really good holiday club. The nursery also runs a holiday club so sometimes they go back there. I’m a single parent and lawyer so that’s the only option for me. I don’t think my children would be any better off now if they had just been at home with me or a grandparent until school age and we would be in a far worse financial position as a family if I’d scaled back my career.

Both mine went three days a week from 1. Yes I felt guilty about it as we tend to do as mums but I loved being back in work and it made me a more patient, better mum in the time I spent with them. They quickly got used to the routine, bonded well with their key workers and got to do loads of fun, messy, social things they wouldn't have done at home with me.
On the long days I'm not convinced small children understand time all that well - as in they don't seem to recognise if you're gone for two hours or eight. Good luck with the new job, you'll both benefit from nursery 😊

It's just a pity you didn't send him earlier as it's quicker to settle them into it.
I worked full time from 6months, 2 days at home, 3 days at nursery. My boy loved it. As did I as I get bored playing with kids very quickly.
The quality of staff and nursery will be key here. I found it difficult at first, every mum does - not the guilt so much but the worry. I never regretted it for a second though. As they grow up they're more independent, better fitted for school, and following your good work example. The staff are so much better and more patient than I ever was.

Im going to be in the same position as you, this is my 2nd and he'll be going 3 days a week from 15 months. Although I have already started the process with him doing 1 day a week since 12 months and then increasing up month by month. I've found putting him in harder than I did with my first, perhaps because his days will be longer probably 10 hours each of the 3 days when I'm back to work but equally I know the reasons for going back will be worth it e.g. moving house being able to afford different things for them etc. I also know my eldest really did enjoy her time at nursery and then preschool and has made fantastic friends and increased in confidence. The nursery did a lot that as a sahm I just didn't have the capacity for whereas being PT meant I could outsource things like messy play but then when I did have the kids I was all in and we could different activities etc

Try to rationalise the guilt and not be so hard on yourself. There are massive advantages to being at nursery. My sons are still friends with those they met at 9 months old. They also learn social skills waaaay faster than they would staying at home with you.

And so will you. For your long term financial and emotional health maintaining your career and sense of self is massive benefit you can’t ignore.

I sense some dodgy search algorithms at work if all you are hearing about are the dangers of nursery.

Good luck. You will have shit days and great days but one thing is for sure the challenges and dilemmas you’re facing now pale into insignificance as they hit teenagerdom!

Don't you think it's important to work and contribute to society?

I’m not the poster you’re asking but yes, it is important. And so is raising the next generation. Neither is more important than the other, both contribute to society in different ways. It’s up to each individual family what is best for them.

3 days is perfect imo. That was my best time, I wasn't cut out to be a SAHM and we needed my income.
DS and I were at home more than work or nursery, we could do classes and see friends but still have family time with DH at the weekends.
Moving closer to family would be good for you all too presumably.
Win win in my book

My two went to nursery at 1, 8- 5.30. 4 days a week. They never particularly loved it. However guilty I felt at the time, I'm glad I did it. They barely remember it, and are benefiting from it now as it allowed me to advance in my career so that I now have the flexibility to let them do some clubs that they want to attend etc and they'll have some money for a house deposit etc when they're older etc.

They will still spend the majority of time qith you - weekends, holidays, you'll be there when they wake up in the night, you'll be there when they're ill, you will make the most of the days you're at home on your non working days with them to ensure its real quality time

And there are some benefits for them - it does make them more independent and build up their immune system etc.

And remember if you or they really hate it you can always go back to being a SAHP

I think it's important to contribute to society, and that might be by working, it might be by raising the next generation, it might be by volunteering your time to help others. I don't think there's only one way to contribute to society and in fact I don't think that generating profit for private commercial organisations is a particularly good way to do so. Most jobs don't really contribute to society in any meaningful way, but rather are part of the capitalist agenda. I think that raising children well is one of the best ways you can contribute to society. But of course people tend to work for other reasons, not least needing money (see reference to capitalism) rather than to contribute to society.

I work in a nursery and love my job. However it is heartbreaking when we get a new starter and they are so sad when they are there. We had one today who cried all day. Don’t get me wrong we get some children who love it but some are so sad no matter what we do. It’s busy and some children find it so overwhelming. I am a huge advocate for childminders. It’s a calmer environment, they are took out most days and it’s seems more personal. They will also do settling in periods so it’s better for the child. I am planning on becoming a childminder soon. Childminders do the job because they adore children and want to make a difference to their lives. But whatever you do don’t feel guilty for working. It will be good for you.

I think it depends on the child. My child struggled and so we moved to a smaller environment arrangement until DC was older.

Not everywhere is like that. There were a max of 6 babies in the undr 2s room at my sons nursery

My two went to nursery full time from 12 months. I struggled with the guilt but quickly realised how much they get from it. A loving, supportive nursery is so great for mental and social stimulation. My children are so happy, well adjusted and I have no regrets. Working makes me a better mum.

I will say - as someone who works five days a week - I often see mums struggle trying to do essentially a full time role for three or four days a week. I feel like they end up working so hard and for such long hours and getting paid less; working five days means I can finish earlier or make all the school/ nursery get togethers. I can always justify it to myself thinking ‘I’ll do that tomorrow,’ whereas someone who only worked three days might feel more pressure.

That’s so sad and concerning to read. I’m unsure why the nursery didn’t call the parents if the baby was crying all day? I’d much rather be called from work and have to make an excuse than my baby be crying all day for me. I will make sure I ask our nursery to call me if this is the case..

My DS did 3 days from 10 months in a nursery and one day with each parent at home it was a lovely mix that he quickly got used to. Loved those days together and he had great fun at nursery learning how to mix with groups, that helped a lot as an only child. Children adjust - it may take some years to start with but it’s all new for you both