I’d really appreciate some perspective because I can’t tell if I’m overreacting or if this is something serious enough to end a marriage over.
I have been married to my husband for a couple of years and he’s a really good man. He provides for me financially even though I work full time, he’s never been abusive in any way (emotionally, mentally, financially, etc.), and he defends me strongly, even cut off some family members because of how they treated me. He treats my family with a lot of respect, and he’s physically affectionate. Hugs, kisses, cuddles- physical touch is definitely his love language.
He spends all his time with me, which I love in some ways. He doesn’t really go out much, he’s a total homebody. When he’s not working, he just wants to be home with me. We hang out a lot- watching movies, playing video games, or just relaxing together. He has close friends, but mostly interacts with them online or by phone. He’s not very social outside the house, which has never really been a huge problem for me.
The issue, and it’s been going on for years now, is that he just doesn’t express love through words or through effortful gestures like planning dates.
Before marriage, he used to constantly tell me how lucky he was, how much he appreciated me, how he loved me, and he would plan things for us. That’s actually one of the main reasons I married him. I need reassurance and verbal affection to feel loved. Now, yes he tells me he loves me every day (at night before we sleep, in the morning before work), but he is not as vocal as he used to be. He even used to send me paragraphs expressing his love for me.
Now I’m the one planning every date. If I didn’t plan them, we literally wouldn’t go out. When I bring it up, he says he’ll “try,” but even when I suggest something really minimal like “just one date night a month,” he’ll say “I’ll try” instead of actually committing. He'll then do it once or twice and then we will go months where he does not plan any dates before the issue is raised again.
It breaks my heart because I feel like I’ve been so clear about what I need, and it’s not even something huge or expensive. I’m not asking for daily gifts or over-the-top romance- just small verbal reassurances, compliments, and some effort to plan things so I feel seen and wanted. In his mind he can't see why I have an issue with being the one who plans all the dates, but I want it to be a shared thing and I want to feel like he wants to plan things and do fun things together. BTW he pays always. Not sure if that adds anything.
He’s not cruel or dismissive, like I said he says he loves me, and I know he does in his own way. But this is starting to really affect me. When I tried to tell him that, he said something that really hurt- that he “doesn’t think he has it in him” to give me what I need. Later he backtracked, but honestly I don’t think asking for one date night a month is too much.
So now I’m stuck wondering:
Am I being unreasonable for wanting this?
Would you take this as something that could be worked on, or do you think divorce is needed?
I love him, and we have a peaceful marriage but I feel unhappy with these two things. I honestly don’t know if this is fixable or if I should start accepting that this might be the rest of my life if I stay. He has now begged me to give him a chance to try but I don't know how many chances I need to give for something so minimal.
PS before anyone suggests- he is a very loyal person. We have access to each other's phones, accounts etc. so I know that he is not doing anything shady or cheating. Just want to put this out there before any potential comments.