To not want to cook a full foreign Christmas spread for people I’ve only met once?

[KatieBenoiteee]

My partner is from another country. His only relative in this country is a cousin who lives with her partner and his brother. In the 3 years we’ve been together I only met her once as she always cancelled meet-ups last minute.

We did meet a few weeks ago, the partner and brother came with and we all went out. They were pleasant enough but spoke their own language a lot (which is understandable but at times I was excluded) and the cousin’s partner made a condescending comment about my job.

My partner has now invited them all to ours for Christmas dinner and I’m dreading it. We’re trying to save for a house and I had already declined to go to my family for Christmas to take away pressure of buying presents etc and I thought we’d have a cosy day. I’ve never cooked a Christmas dinner before so I was going to order some sort of M&S package which has all the necessary ingredients with trimmings etc and was going to bung that in the oven and maybe make a pudding. I had a nice image of us having a cosy day together and watching films etc.

Now he’s invited them he’s expecting me to put on a whole spread of their traditional Christmas dishes. I don’t have a bloody clue where to start and can’t find any English recipes. I’ll also have to make up sleeping areas for them etc etc. I’ve only got Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day off and it will be constant work. I’ve got visions of me slaving away in the kitchen whilst they are all eating (and probably criticising the inevitably crap food between themselves) and getting drunk. I will be completely lost cooking their food, it will be several different dishes he is expecting and I will be overwhelmed. Not to mention I’m 5 weeks pregnant so might be feeling tired etc by Christmas.

AIBU to tell them no and we either visit them or we have Christmas just us? He says I’m being miserable but he has absolutely no intention of helping with cooking as it hates it. In his country they are quite traditional and they will all show up to the house expecting me to have cooked and I’m feeling a lot of pressure. His argument is we’ve had a British Christmas every year at my parents which is fair enough and I’m completely supportive if he wants a Christmas eating his own culture etc, and I’d be delighted to join. But I can’t be expected to do the bloody cooking for it

he’s got me over a barrel because he’s had a British Christmas with my parents the last few years and thinks it’s time we had a traditional Christmas for him which is fair enough. But then I’m having to do the cooking, I don’t know where to start.

If he wants a "traditional" Christmas in the style of his home country then he is welcome to produce it. If he means a misogynistic Christmas where you do all the work then he is not welcome to have it. Seems his true view of you is starting to creep out.

Are you sure you want to be in a relationship with this man, OP? Because he sounds awful, and you've given multiple examples of awful behaviour from him. It's not just the Christmas dinner, is it? It'll be far, far easier to break up before the baby is born.

He does not have you over a barrel for this reason.

I've been married to someone from outside the UK for 25 years and never cooked the traditional Christmas meal he grew up with.

His mother was from a different European country to his father and cooked a kind of "inspired by" mixed version of the meals from her country if origin and her husband's, because she lived in her husband's country and back in the 70s and 80s ingredient availability stopped her cooking exactly what she grew up with.

The first years my husband and I were married I cooked a British meal for us and our small children, then later we moved to the country he grew up in and his mother kindly invited us all to join her and FIL and DH 's siblings for a huge gathering and she cooked her hybrid meal, which we all enjoyed (and cleared up but she wouldn't have anyone else cook).

MIL sadly died after a short illness and the first year FIL and one BIL who had moved back in with him tried to replicate her meal but it was all a bit sad.

Now we host at ours - FIL joins us (he downsized and doesn't have room to host) and whoever wants to depending year on year. I cook whatever version of a Christmas meal my nuclear family and I agree on, but as I cook I have veto and nobody objects. It's usually my own hybrid these days.

Whoever cooks decides the menu.

If your (partner doesn't seem like the right word given the context) boyfriend wants certain food then he has to cook it, otherwise how can he expect you to cook something you've never eaten?

Obviously you have bigger problems though - he invited people without asking you, is telling you what to cook and trying to manipulate you by sulking and stropping.

Abuse often begins during pregnancy.

If you're only five weeks pregnant you don't have to continue the pregnancy - you still have time to stop the train wreck of the rest of your life and separate completely from this man without a child keeping his hold over you for the next 18 years and beyond.

This is not a normal bicultural relationship - its not because he's foreign, it's because he's a dick.

WHY ARE YOU HAVING A BABY WITH THIS MAN? Focus on getting some self esteem and dump the lazy bastard. He does not respect you and you think he’s going to be a good father?? FFS.

Correct me if you’ve mentioned this, but why isn’t your partner doing the cooking?
If he wants his family over and only interested in eating food from his country then he needs to bloody man up and cook the food himself.
What a lazy, idle, selfish arse!!!

Just don't do it OP. Go and stay with your family and leave him to it. He's unbelievably selfish and taking the piss.

Why do you think that you have to do anything at all that he says?

Why can't he cook the traditional Christmas meal of his country?

Was he this nasty before you got pregnant?

No no no no you are not his slave op to rush around and look into solutions to deliver exactly what he wants!! He woukd find something wrong with this option anyway and it certainly wouldn’t save any money.

as an aside, do you think a traditional Christmas meal with enormous pressure to satisfy his family is the way to start exploring his food? Do you think he has a role in introducing traditional foods?

Seriously, you're happy being pregnant with a baby whose dad is a mysogynist?

Wake up.

You are not in a relationship but servitude.

My PIL have different cultural heritage to each other and guess what, when FIL fancies some of the dishes that he grew up with, he cooks them.

It’s easy enough for your partner to find receipes online and he has several weeks to practice.

Just keep saying no, OP, he invited them and if he wants to give them certain dishes, it’s his problem.

I'm not sure the OP is genuine to be honest, but on the off chance you are - stop being such a martyr.

It really isn't cute and it doesn't make people like you.

He's invited his family, so he will obviously be sorting out their sleeping arrangements and cooking his own traditional food.

Stop fluttering around like a put-upon Victorian housewife for goodness sake 🙄

Well in the dating stage he used to know how to cook basic meals and then all of a sudden “forgot” when I moved in. I begged him to cook a few months ago when I was violently ill with flu and the food was awful. He admits he hates cooking and doesn’t want to do it and then he tells me all sorts of things he does such as DIY, mowing lawn etc and that I don’t do any of those things so it’s fair

Hi op I've only skim read the thread so apologies if has already been said but even the most experienced cook would have issues cooking for the FIRST TIME traditional well loved dishes for that nations citizens.
Especially places where more spices and herbs are used.
Even if you were happy to try i don't think it would turn out well In a happy congenial setting.
He's going to be very disappointed .why can't they cook ?

Because from what the OP has said, when she did offer to cook her husband a meal from his culture he told her not to bother as it wouldn't taste the same.

You have here a misogynist who sees cookingn and cleaning as women’s work. He’ll be the proud host and berate you behind the scenes for anything not up to his standards.

FFS, how on earth is anyone to prepare a set of dishes they’ve never tasted? Tell him he’s on cooking and hosting as you won’t have time or energy- only 3 days off work and if you’re anything like I was at 12 weeks pregnant you’ll be exhausted and nauseous most of the time.

Your cosy twosome idea was much more appropriate for the circumstances. I’m afraid he isn’t going to want to improve in this relationship.

Why on earth have you not taken your not-so-dear partner to task over this?

Mike, what do you mean you’ve invited them for Christmas?You know we already have other plans! You can’t just invite people without talking it through with me first. You will have to uninvite them, and explain that you were in the wrong in asking them in the first place.

Mike, what on earth were you thinking? There’s no way I’m cooking dishes I don’t know for people who prefer to talk to you in your own language and don’t try and include me! You’ll have to cook for them and do all the entertaining as I’m going to my parents.

You're not really taking on board anything people are saying are you?

I took the comment 'on the outside' to mean op will be excluded from conversation as they will natter away in their own language. But either way he sounds revolting.

@KatieBenoiteee he sounds bloody awful. like he wants to show you off as good little wifey. tell him to cook and host himself as he's enjoyed every other Christmas being hosted by your family.

Why are you casting yourself in the role of being the one who cooks in any of these scenarios? Please think about what expectations you are setting here. People treat you how you allow them to treat you. He should be alternating cooking with you as the norm. Don’t fall into the ‘little woman’ stereotype- you will seriously regret it in future.

He's not that confusing, he just has utter contempt for you, why have you even stayed with someone who is such a nasty fucking bastard.

This will get worse if you have a baby with him, buy a house and are trapped. Right now you have options. Run.

Does he do whatever DIY and garden maintenance etc. that you tell him to? Or is that his own domain where he gets to decide what's reasonable? (and I don't mean - has he sometimes done what you've asked him to, I mean can you ask him to something he isn't that comfortable with and he will go and learn how to do it, because you asked him to?)

Yep either fake to generate outrage or totally pathetic.

he has offered to help with the cleaning up etc but this is missing the point IMO

He invited, he hosts. He sounds really awful. Are you sure this is a relationship you want to be in long term?

He invited these guests. He can cook for them. He has plenty of time to practise until Christmas.

And you thought 'right, I'd better have a baby with this prince'?