To not want to cook a full foreign Christmas spread for people I’ve only met once?

[KatieBenoiteee]

My partner is from another country. His only relative in this country is a cousin who lives with her partner and his brother. In the 3 years we’ve been together I only met her once as she always cancelled meet-ups last minute.

We did meet a few weeks ago, the partner and brother came with and we all went out. They were pleasant enough but spoke their own language a lot (which is understandable but at times I was excluded) and the cousin’s partner made a condescending comment about my job.

My partner has now invited them all to ours for Christmas dinner and I’m dreading it. We’re trying to save for a house and I had already declined to go to my family for Christmas to take away pressure of buying presents etc and I thought we’d have a cosy day. I’ve never cooked a Christmas dinner before so I was going to order some sort of M&S package which has all the necessary ingredients with trimmings etc and was going to bung that in the oven and maybe make a pudding. I had a nice image of us having a cosy day together and watching films etc.

Now he’s invited them he’s expecting me to put on a whole spread of their traditional Christmas dishes. I don’t have a bloody clue where to start and can’t find any English recipes. I’ll also have to make up sleeping areas for them etc etc. I’ve only got Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day off and it will be constant work. I’ve got visions of me slaving away in the kitchen whilst they are all eating (and probably criticising the inevitably crap food between themselves) and getting drunk. I will be completely lost cooking their food, it will be several different dishes he is expecting and I will be overwhelmed. Not to mention I’m 5 weeks pregnant so might be feeling tired etc by Christmas.

AIBU to tell them no and we either visit them or we have Christmas just us? He says I’m being miserable but he has absolutely no intention of helping with cooking as it hates it. In his country they are quite traditional and they will all show up to the house expecting me to have cooked and I’m feeling a lot of pressure. His argument is we’ve had a British Christmas every year at my parents which is fair enough and I’m completely supportive if he wants a Christmas eating his own culture etc, and I’d be delighted to join. But I can’t be expected to do the bloody cooking for it

Completely understand why I’m being called a doormat but I do want to clarify I have told him it’s not happening.

@VikaOlson if you are new to mumsent just an fyi calling people out for being fake isn't allowed you should privately report to mnhq if you have suspicions and the thread is deeply worrying you for some reason.

Also fyi have had many ,probably thousands of threads about my in laws over the years and many have said this or that doesn't seem true it's all been true.

Well in the dating stage he used to know how to cook basic meals and then all of a sudden “forgot” when I moved in.

So why didn't you move back out again?

Well start doing them then, otherwise you're encouraging 'pink' and 'blue' jobs 🤷‍♂️

You're a couple living together so you need to share the chores.

I don't have much to add except that he sounds like an absolute prick.

It'll probably be cheaper to buy gifts and go see your family.

Tell him that, that's nice dear. I'm going visiting and wish him a good time.

and do you cook meals you've never eaten on demand from people who never cook?

Whoever cooks decides the menu.

She is not his chef - he could cook meals from his culture for her and she could cook meals she is familiar with and enjoys eating (regardless of the cultural background but meals she has seen and tasted in restaurants or people's homes) for him.

Cooking something you've never eaten for someone for whom it's a cultural staple is different from trying out new recipes together or trying to reproduce something you enjoyed at a restaurant or on holiday, for fun.

So you're not running around sorting sleeping arrangements or cooking foreign food then?

Great, sit back and enjoy Christmas with none of the responsibility.

Your partner is waving his red flags extremely high and you really need to take notice!
If he wants a traditional Christmas from his culture, then he can prepare and cook it. Whilst he's at it, he can prepare the house and entertain the guests that HE invited without any consideration for, or consultation with, you.
From what you've written, I'd advise you to take a step back to revaluate your relationship and future with this selfish individual. He certainly doesn't give a shit about you and your feelings, and is trying to manipulate and emotionally blackmail you into doing his bidding.
Imagine that your potential future daughter was explaining this to you about how her partner was treating her. What would you be feeling/thinking/advising? Personally, if it was my daughter I'd be advising her to walk away, fast!

Christmas dinner might feel like a small win but you have much bigger problems here. It's not one meal, it's his whole attitude - to relationships, to women, to you. These little battles are going to spring up constantly for the next 20+ years and every single time they do he'll be twisting facts and making you feel like shit for saying anything. You'll either be at each other's throats the whole time or you'll be worn down until you give up.

If he's so culturally traditional and masculine that he can't possibly cook, I fear this doesn't bode well for him doing his share of caring for a baby.

@KatieBenoiteee it is not for
him to invite people round and expect you to cook, I’d leave them to it. I’d consider leaving him full stop; he sounds awful.

Second word is "off".

Then "Do great to continue this pregnancy?" . Not forgetting that if you continue with it you will have to put up with this s..t for another 18+ years!

Is this the life you really want? If not end it all tonight.

Are you really falling for this? He wants a maid with benefits.

Cooking requires menu planning, shopping, prep, cooking, cleaning up. More than once a day, everyday, forever. It is relentless. I used to quite enjoy cooking, but I don't anymore because it turns into such a grind when there are people expecting to be fed 3 meals a day. Thank god my husband is not a loser, and can take on his share of this. He can't menu plan or navigate a supermarket for toffee, but he can and does get the meals on the table during the long stretches where I just can't face the grind of it anymore.

I much prefer to do the occasional lawn mowing and diy too. I'm also much better at diy than my husband. However it's a team effort not a piss-take. It gets a lot harder when there are children to care for and raise. You have been warned OP. Please consider the recurring message PPs are giving you.

Meant to say : Do you WANT to continue with this pregnancy?

He mows the lawn three times a day does he? And does a weekly shop for lawn mowing gubbins? You surely both know that mowing the lawn and doing all the cooking aren't remotely comparable on terms of labour.
Jeez this man needs to be in the fucking bin.

He sounds absolutely horrid. So he can't wait for his pregnant partner to slave away in the kitchen cooking Christmas food from his own country while he and his family put their feet up and bitch about the results in their own language?

Fuck that. If I were you I'd be going to my own family, partner is very welcome to cook and clean and tidy for the guests he invited.

I'd also seriously reconsider the relationship, because he's not going to improve.

Dear lord, this is a bloody nightmare! It makes our simple roast with extras look like a plate of sarnies:
https://www.polonist.com/polish-christmas-food/

Culinary details aside, OP, it does seem you've got yourself a man with rigid & unreasonable expectations. I'd bugger off out of there if I were you.

Well that’s good, OP.
If he invites them, don’t look for solutions like caterers etc for him.

If he invites them, he deals with it !

In fact if he does invite them, you're best going to your family as they’ll likely make you feel guilty for not cooking !

The bigger issue of his lack of respect for you hasn’t gone away though and you should seriously consider if you want to stay with him and why ?? Do you think he will be a good role model to your child ? Sexist, selfish, lazy, disrespectful ?

You should have said you were also really looking forward to the authentic dishes he's going to cook for everyone.

That's a really handy skill to learn. Whenever someone has these sort of hair brained ideas where the unspoken assumtion is you will be doing the work, turn it around on them and say you can't wait for them to do xyz. When they say it's meant to be you doing it, feign surprise - I couldn't possibly make you an authentic xmas dinner, you'll probably end up with inedible swill if I tried to do it. I can't wait for you to show me your favourite dishes! I'm so excited you're taking charge of xmas this year!

If it's something you don't want to do, put them in charge of it.

Why do some women set the bar so low for relationships? What exactly do these men bring to the table except misery?

My dh would never do this I’m not ‘lucky’ he’s just a decent person. Your dp has put himself first without giving any thought to you and instead of acknowledging the many helpful posts you swerve and continue to talk about how overwhelmed you feel.

Set your boundaries and honestly ask yourself why you remain in a relationship with a man who thinks so little of you.

THIS

My husband is American. I make American-style things now and again because it seems like a nice thing to do. I lived in the States long enough to know that some of what I make does not taste exactly the same, but he is always pleased I’ve made the effort, and of course he is complimentary about it.

We also celebrate some American holidays - July 4th, Thanksgiving - with a fair number of guests, and we share the cooking (he does more though) because they are his traditions. If there was something he wanted to include that he didn’t know how to make, he’d look up a recipe.

If he carried on like your ‘partner’, I’d have told him to fuck off long ago.

@KatieBenoiteee sounds like he’s ruined YOUR mood and YOUR night. Not to mention he’s ruining your Christmas by expecting you - by then 6 months pregnant presumably - to stand there slogging away without any help from his Lordship. And you do realise he’ll be like this with the baby don’t you? It will all be up to you……

Im guessing his british Christmas was him eating the food and he never actually lifted a finger.