To not want to cook a full foreign Christmas spread for people I’ve only met once?

[KatieBenoiteee]

My partner is from another country. His only relative in this country is a cousin who lives with her partner and his brother. In the 3 years we’ve been together I only met her once as she always cancelled meet-ups last minute.

We did meet a few weeks ago, the partner and brother came with and we all went out. They were pleasant enough but spoke their own language a lot (which is understandable but at times I was excluded) and the cousin’s partner made a condescending comment about my job.

My partner has now invited them all to ours for Christmas dinner and I’m dreading it. We’re trying to save for a house and I had already declined to go to my family for Christmas to take away pressure of buying presents etc and I thought we’d have a cosy day. I’ve never cooked a Christmas dinner before so I was going to order some sort of M&S package which has all the necessary ingredients with trimmings etc and was going to bung that in the oven and maybe make a pudding. I had a nice image of us having a cosy day together and watching films etc.

Now he’s invited them he’s expecting me to put on a whole spread of their traditional Christmas dishes. I don’t have a bloody clue where to start and can’t find any English recipes. I’ll also have to make up sleeping areas for them etc etc. I’ve only got Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day off and it will be constant work. I’ve got visions of me slaving away in the kitchen whilst they are all eating (and probably criticising the inevitably crap food between themselves) and getting drunk. I will be completely lost cooking their food, it will be several different dishes he is expecting and I will be overwhelmed. Not to mention I’m 5 weeks pregnant so might be feeling tired etc by Christmas.

AIBU to tell them no and we either visit them or we have Christmas just us? He says I’m being miserable but he has absolutely no intention of helping with cooking as it hates it. In his country they are quite traditional and they will all show up to the house expecting me to have cooked and I’m feeling a lot of pressure. His argument is we’ve had a British Christmas every year at my parents which is fair enough and I’m completely supportive if he wants a Christmas eating his own culture etc, and I’d be delighted to join. But I can’t be expected to do the bloody cooking for it

OP, I won't comment on the relationship dynamics as it looks like you got plenty of advice on that one...

On the topic of food, my husband is Eastern European, and over the years, I've learned how to make some dishes out of my own curiosity, but I would never attempt to do a full Christmas spread as I wouldn't want to ruin Christmas dinner for everyone (myself included, haha). Perhaps you can order a few traditional dishes from an ethnic store together with your partner; it's very common for Eastern European families we know to pre-order food for Easter and Christmas. And mix that with one or two dishes that are traditional to your family.

If it were me I would let him have his family for the meal but be firm about the cooking.

It can be hard for people to change their long held expectations about things like holiday meals. And if he doesn't cook he might notfeel up to the task either. But he needs to understand this is also outside your wheelhouse.

I'd tell him that you are happy to have differernt food, but cooking the special holiday dishes is not something you are comfortable with, you have no better idea than he does and in fact less because you don't know what they are supposed to be like. So he'll have to be in charge of that part. Maybe offer to sous chef if you think he could use the help.

If he will come round it could really be a nice thing to do together and in coming years maybe you could even bring some of his dishes to your family events.

OP, there is so much wrong with this situation, I don't know where to start:

• he excluded you, not only from the conversation but from the decision-making about these friends being invited AND what they were going to eat AND that you were going to cook it
• he plans for you to spend Christmas in the kitchen while he relaxes with his friends
• he's not doing any of the work because he's 'traditional', for that read 'he doesn't want his friend to think you're calling the shots'
• he's gaslighting you into thinking you're the one being difficult (hint: you aren't).

I'm sure I could go on but do you want this to be your life? I really hope you haven't got children. For God's sake, don't get pregnant. When he accuses you of being selfish you're reply is 'You aren't my boss. I'm not your servant. If you want food from your own country, you cook it. If you invite friends over, they're your guests. If you want to do all this, I won't be able to follow the conversation so I'm off to my parents' for Christmas.'

I would have dumped him already, myself.

Exactly. Why is it up to the op to cook. traditional foods,when her H dislikes cooking' so refuses to do any himself ?

This is not the first time someone has a problem like this on Mumsnet.

A woman writes "My husband/partner invited all these people over! Now I have to cook [and clean]! I am so stressed!"

Other people write "Your husband/partner invited them. He can cook. [and clean]. You relax with the beverage of your choice."

OP-woman answers "No, I have to cook! My husband/partner can't possibly cook! He wants me too cook! I am so stressed!"

And so on.

He’s confusing as well because a few months ago I bought ingredients to make a traditional stew from his country and I was really excited to make it for him and when I told him he told me not to bother because it wouldn’t be the same!

Is there a restaurant that does his cuisine that you can all go to? Or can you order it in?
I am a terrible cook, on purpose so noone ever asks me to do such a thing.
I secretly like cooking and can cook, but my partner thinks I only know how to cook 4 dishes. This is 16 years into our relationship 😂

Wow so he thinks you'll be in the kitchen cooking/serving them and they'll be sat having a wonderful time, what a twat, you're pregnant too!! My husband would never treat me like this whether I was pregnant or not, I would seriously reconsider this relationship.

Come on @KatieBenoiteee

What are you doing with this man?

You need to go and search 'sherlock' on threads.

If he wanted you to cook because he felt he was useless at it, and he asked nicely, that's whole different kettle of fish than him telling you that you will be.

Or him saying of course he would clean, shop, wash up, make up the beds, tidy up - rather than him telling you that you will be.

The man is a total leech - please see the massive red flags waving and have a bloody good think about whether this shitty life is what you want

OP you deserve so much better than this man who just wants to be the big fucking I am in front of his family. If you are really going to do this then buy as much as you can pre-prepared. If you can go out, then do

FFS OP, either tell him if he wants to invite his family for Christmas done in his style he is welcome to do it and you will be supportive, but not do the hosting (peppeing the space, cooking the foods he wants, etc." or if you want to be the homemaker then lean in, learn about his culture, have your best go at cooking the feast (I would suggest roping him in for some things) and laugh about what goes wrong.

But simply moaning and wringing your hands about it as though you have no agency is just a bit pathetic.

This is a blessing OP. He is sexist and selfish and doesn’t really seem to like you.

dont stay with this man. He will expect you to obey him. He won’t lift a finger around the house. Your children will grow up seeing you being treated like this and think that is acceptable.

Leave now. This won’t get better.

He invited them, he can cook

Don’t say this lightly but he is showing his true colours here. No discussion, no respect. Talking in the foreign language in front of you says it all,
Unless you want to be going through this next year with a baby in your hip, run. Was the pregnancy planned?

It's fair to take turns on the type of Christmas dinner you have. So if this year you cook him his traditional food, then next year he's going to do a full British spread for you, right? No? I didn't think so.

Run...
Run like the wind...
Seriously, it won't get any better 🙁

Perhaps you can find a local restaurant/caterer that makes his cuisine?

If he pushes back about a restaurant/caterer - then yes he is being totally unreasonable and there is something more worrying here.

As an aside - are you not planning to learn a bit about his culture/food for your child's sake?

He sounds like one of those abusive tossers who will never be satisfied with anything you do.

You'll run yourself ragged trying to please but nothing you do will be enough. You'll just wear yourself down until you have no fight left in you and you’ll be a shadow of your former self.

It’s what he wants.

Can you leave him ?

My father isn’t British. In his culture it’s not common for men to cook, but he learned how to cook his traditional Christmas Eve meal because of course he missed it but he loves my mum and knew it would be unfair to make her cook food she knew nothing about. He doesn’t cook often, and even at Christmas mum mucks in with peeling veg because multi-tasking isn’t his forte but for 50+ years he’s cooked Christmas Eve dinner. If your partner is a decent human he’d figure it out and not put it all on you.

Op, he’s had British Christmases given to him. You did all the work to give him your Christmasses. If he wants his traditional Christmas then that’s on him to do the work for. Tell him you’re not the cook or his slave and hasn’t he thought one single time you’ve been preparing your traditional food that it’s on him to prepare his? Not that you should do all the work and jump when he says jump, why does he think he shouldn’t do anything for you? Why does he think it’s not on him to cook his food? and that you will be at your parents for Christmas reconsidering the relationship.
the relationship has no future at all by the way, you owe your baby better than living with this man and how he treats you, and I hope you don’t come back from your parents, it would be best for you and baby. This man won’t be a parent. He will never cook his child a meal, even if you’re away or unwell, or worse. That’s not a dad.

Why would it be on the OP to find out about and cook his national cuisine (festive Christmas fare to boot!), when he doesn't and won't cook?

I'm surprised after several years together that she has shown no interest in trying to cook something from his culture. This is an absolute basic.
I agree she should not have to cook the whole thing herself, but I wonder who has been doing to cooking in their marriage so far?
we cook dishes from all over the the world in our house, without having a heart attack about trying something new.

Agree with PP. This whole scenario is really uncomfortable to read.

He is throwing previous years Christmases in your face (if you both live in the uk, of course you're going to have a British Christmas more often)

He is deciding what you both do for Christmas without even discussing it at all. In a healthy couple you don't present things like this as a done deal.

Even though you are pregnant and not familiar with the food, he is expecting you to do all the work (preparing, hosting, cooking). This suggests he is selfish and sexist. He is setting you up to fail here OP and that's not fair. You're never going to be able to cook a feast of completely unfamiliar food for people you don't know, to the standard they are used to (unless you are a professional chef).

I'm married to someone from another country, am a good cook, and its taken me a long time to be confident cooking food from their country for his family, even when it's not expected and not an occasion

His attitude and lack of understanding and compromise is really worrying OP

It sounds like he is deliberately setting you up to fail which is cruel and not what a loving relationship should be like