To not want to cook a full foreign Christmas spread for people I’ve only met once?

[KatieBenoiteee]

My partner is from another country. His only relative in this country is a cousin who lives with her partner and his brother. In the 3 years we’ve been together I only met her once as she always cancelled meet-ups last minute.

We did meet a few weeks ago, the partner and brother came with and we all went out. They were pleasant enough but spoke their own language a lot (which is understandable but at times I was excluded) and the cousin’s partner made a condescending comment about my job.

My partner has now invited them all to ours for Christmas dinner and I’m dreading it. We’re trying to save for a house and I had already declined to go to my family for Christmas to take away pressure of buying presents etc and I thought we’d have a cosy day. I’ve never cooked a Christmas dinner before so I was going to order some sort of M&S package which has all the necessary ingredients with trimmings etc and was going to bung that in the oven and maybe make a pudding. I had a nice image of us having a cosy day together and watching films etc.

Now he’s invited them he’s expecting me to put on a whole spread of their traditional Christmas dishes. I don’t have a bloody clue where to start and can’t find any English recipes. I’ll also have to make up sleeping areas for them etc etc. I’ve only got Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day off and it will be constant work. I’ve got visions of me slaving away in the kitchen whilst they are all eating (and probably criticising the inevitably crap food between themselves) and getting drunk. I will be completely lost cooking their food, it will be several different dishes he is expecting and I will be overwhelmed. Not to mention I’m 5 weeks pregnant so might be feeling tired etc by Christmas.

AIBU to tell them no and we either visit them or we have Christmas just us? He says I’m being miserable but he has absolutely no intention of helping with cooking as it hates it. In his country they are quite traditional and they will all show up to the house expecting me to have cooked and I’m feeling a lot of pressure. His argument is we’ve had a British Christmas every year at my parents which is fair enough and I’m completely supportive if he wants a Christmas eating his own culture etc, and I’d be delighted to join. But I can’t be expected to do the bloody cooking for it

He's not only a selfish useless prick, but also odd to the extreme.

I'm Eastern European. If I'm invited to celebrate Christmas with a Mexican family, I'd fully expect to eat traditional Mexican Christmas dishes or anything from Mexican cuisine (or along those lines). I would never even imagine them attempting to cook Eastern European food to please me? That would be the weirdest and entitled thing to expect.

And vice versa, if I'd invite people of other nationalities, I'd cook them my traditional food, because I'd think it might be interesting to them, to maybe try something new, something they might have not tried before. I'd also probably prepare something more 'international', like a traditional roast or something, in case they didn't like EE food.

How dare he and his relatives expect a pregnant British woman to suddenly become fluent in their country's cuisine (whatever it is), cook expertly and single-handedly provide them with a feast, whilst he's sitting there, twiddling his thumbs. The most you could do (if you're feeling charitable), is to give a nod to their culture, serve one single easy to make dish/drink/snack, maybe shop bought if possible, and you don't want to cook.

Could he himself cook - say - Thai/Malay/Peruvian food to a high standard for natives? Or if cooking is a 'woman's job' (VILE opinion), then could his female cousin do it?

Anyway, that was a long-winded way to say - you should give yourself a Christmas gift of dumping this misogynist loser.

Please, please take a step back and look at the red flags here - there are many and although they might not seem obvious while you’re in the middle of the situation, you are recognising them because you’re writing them out - listen to your gut! I am sadly speaking from experience when I say if you ignore these red flags now, they will just multiply and you will be trapped. Run for the hills!

• He has invited people you hardly know without having a proper, private, conversation with you first - such disrespect.
• He has shown total disregard for how you might feel at that time - you will very likely be really tired. Or what happens if you are unwell/your pregnancy has ended? (I’m sorry to be brutal, but you’re early pregnant and sadly these things can and do happen)
• He is dismissing and manipulating you constantly - including gaslighting you saying YOU have ruined his evening
• He dismissed and belittled you previously when you were excited to try and cook something special for him (but now it’s okay for you to cook?!)

I’m sorry to say that he is showing you his real colours and he doesn’t care about you, your feelings or opinion - this is just going to get so much worse when you have a child. Look hard at those red flags, listen to your gut and think seriously about your future.

Let him have Christmas with his family, his way and you go to your family. You are pregnant, you don’t need to be cooking and hosting people, let alone trying to make dishes from scratch you don’t know how. Xx

did you actually plan to have a baby with this man? are you really sure you want to? (it is not too late to change this situation).

is he going to expect you to carry on being responsible for cooking every single meal he eats for the rest of your pregnancy/ immediately after you give birth/ for the rest of your lives?! and doing all the childcare? and changing all the nappies? and cleaning the house?

you haven't explained why it's considered your job to sort out bedding for his visitors.

or why his guests can't help him with cooking all these traditional dishes they are familiar with and want to eat.... (or - if he's too lazy to do that - why he can't find a UK-based caterer from his home country who can, for a price, supply these authentic dishes he loves so much)
if he was a considerate human being, he'd have already thought about these options and realised that either would: (a) give his pregnant partner a chance to rest and (b) be a nice way to introduce her to his culture and cuisine.

So, to sum up...

• He does not cook
• He invited his cousins over infront of you, in another language without any consultation or consideration?
• He then expects you to do all the shopping, prep and cooking for an unfamiliar meal - that you have not agreed to - whilst pregnant and dealing with first trimester tiredness/ sickness.
• When you object he goes in for the DARVO approach and sulks.

Fucking hell, he sees you as property.

OP, I advise you to terminate the pregnancy and the relationship. Its going to get 10 x worse when the baby is here and he does not lift a finger to help.

You deserve better.

Exactly. And he invited them so it's up to him to facilitate the visit.

OP, this isn't sounding very idyllic, and particularly as you're pregnant and tired.

He sounds like a sexist selfish twat. Also you may be in the pregnancy pits of hell around that time, if you are unlucky enough to be nauseous and have food/cooking aversions. If you are, there is no way in hell you’ll be cooking anything, let alone a fancy meal for 5. Don’t let him bully you into it. HE made the plans so HE needs to follow through with them.

Jesus wept, he’s a boorish lazy bully who’s shacked up with the live in maid
You have a live of domestic drudgery & criticism ahead of you and you’re already seeing that
When you have a child, his child, he’ll probably get worse.

What do your family & friends think of this lazy boorish bully? He’s a right fucking catch
Get him out your flat, get shot of him. Plan a safe exit, delete your internet history. Don’t want to alarm you, but this is v worrying

It's not fair though.
The lawn doesn't need mowing every day.
DIY doesn't need doing every day.
Meals need to be prepared and cooked every day.

I can't help but notice that you aren't responding to the 'you need to leave him' comments. Why aren't you? His bad behaviour will only escalate, especially after the baby has been born, you are storing up a life of misery for yourself.

How has he got you over a barrell? Fine to have his traditional Christmas, but of course you don't need to cook it! His mum can tell him what to do if he wants the food of his childhood.

Woman up and let him know that you won't be doing the cooking - put your foot down now, before you end up doing absolutely everything for your baby, because he can't change a nappy, as in his country men know that their testicles will fall off if they touch a nappy.

And tell him you're tired with the pregnancy, so start taking rests whenever you need to/feel like some me time, so he gets the message that you're no longer at his beck and call.

As others have said, if he flat out refuses to cook on Christmas Day, just go ahead with your MandS spread, or go to your parents.

He can go to his cousin place if he will only eat his traditional Christmas food, prepared by a woman.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Let’s hope the petulant entitled man child you are already parenting manages to cope with sharing his space and your time and attention with the new baby. Don’t expect him to pitch in, I expect he will explain to you soon that in his culture men don’t do basic childcare.

Tell him if his friends come for Christmas then he will be responsible for them ( cooking, sleeping arrangements, entertaining,) and that you will be enjoying your Christmas break with a box of quality street ( or an upgrade) and the best binge watching that Christmas tv can provide.

Well can he hire a caterer if he doesn’t want to cook? Then you can have a relaxed time

So have you agreed to this?
no way id be doing it. He sounds awful

Most decent men,swing into action when their partner is pg. Protecting you & baby and maintaining your maternal health and unborn baby becomes their priority. Decent men don’t plan laborious tasks,stressful events and drama for their pg partner. Decent men step up,unasked, and relieve you of stress and drama.

You have got a big problem. He’s like this now, he’ll only get worse
Get some advice. Plan to safely exit. Delete and internet searches
Consider a ToP

Your partner sounds like a real catch. It is understandable that he wants to enjoy some of his own traditions and dishes at Christmas but unreasonable to dictate that you should prepare them. It was rude of him and his friends to talk in front of you, in a language you don't speak, if they can all speak English. However, it gives another reason why you shouldn't plan to spend Christmas with them. I'm sure they can bring some food with them to help with catering, so your partner can have his traditional Christmas, but you should go to your parents and enjoy being looked after in your pregnancy.

He asked them without running it by you first?

We moved house last week to find the windows need updating they are absolutely shocking . Thick black mould on the seals the seals have gone , the handles are dodgy and don’t close . The radiators are ancient and need upgrading . The garage door collapsed when we arrived with the removals we wanted to put some items in and the house has signs of black mould on the wallpaper

we paid for a level 2 survey at £600

@KatieBenoiteee ooh girl. Sweetheart. Woman. Ma’am!! 😑 Please just have an abortion and break up with this toilet of a man. You’re in an abusive relationship. You’re only 5 weeks along. Get an abortion and don’t get trapped. The universe and your female ancestors are begging you. PLEASE. 💐

Another one! WTF? For the second time this evening - what is it with these relationships?

I haven’t read any updates but tell him in no uncertain terms that you won’t be spending your Christmas cooking a lot of unfamiliar dishes and if he wants to do it, that’s up to him.

How he responds will tell you everything you need to know. Listen.

This is not even close to how healthy relationships work. If you accept this now, where do you think you will be down the line?

Wrong thread maybe??? 🤔

I had this once, because MIL was a fabulous cook.

After a few years, I got DH to make his own Christmas dinner and it was charred black all over and total crap. I said nothing critical at all and he ate it in silence.

Ever since then we've had absolutely lovely Christmas lunches with just normal food and everybody keeps their thoughts to theirselves on all sides.

I still think I get the prize though for the year when I screwed up the tesco delivery and got 14 bottles of persil liquid and a bag of potatoes delivered on Christmas eve. Classic.

No he hasn't. Tell him fine, he's cooking.
Think hard about how your life will be with him - in a year, in five years... ten...

But you cooked?

Yes. He’s a lazy boorish bully and he’s getting away with it. Is this what you imagined when you daydreamt of man you’d have a baby with?Really…
Did you think When I grow up I want to be with a boorish bully who won’t cook. A boorish bully who has forgotten activities of daily living.

It is called weaponised incompetence. Pretend cannot do a task, or do it so badly that the other person is compelled to intervene. It’s a strategic choice.