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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to cook a full foreign Christmas spread for people I’ve only met once?

660 replies

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 20:13

My partner is from another country. His only relative in this country is a cousin who lives with her partner and his brother. In the 3 years we’ve been together I only met her once as she always cancelled meet-ups last minute.

We did meet a few weeks ago, the partner and brother came with and we all went out. They were pleasant enough but spoke their own language a lot (which is understandable but at times I was excluded) and the cousin’s partner made a condescending comment about my job.

My partner has now invited them all to ours for Christmas dinner and I’m dreading it. We’re trying to save for a house and I had already declined to go to my family for Christmas to take away pressure of buying presents etc and I thought we’d have a cosy day. I’ve never cooked a Christmas dinner before so I was going to order some sort of M&S package which has all the necessary ingredients with trimmings etc and was going to bung that in the oven and maybe make a pudding. I had a nice image of us having a cosy day together and watching films etc.

Now he’s invited them he’s expecting me to put on a whole spread of their traditional Christmas dishes. I don’t have a bloody clue where to start and can’t find any English recipes. I’ll also have to make up sleeping areas for them etc etc. I’ve only got Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day off and it will be constant work. I’ve got visions of me slaving away in the kitchen whilst they are all eating (and probably criticising the inevitably crap food between themselves) and getting drunk. I will be completely lost cooking their food, it will be several different dishes he is expecting and I will be overwhelmed. Not to mention I’m 5 weeks pregnant so might be feeling tired etc by Christmas.

AIBU to tell them no and we either visit them or we have Christmas just us? He says I’m being miserable but he has absolutely no intention of helping with cooking as it hates it. In his country they are quite traditional and they will all show up to the house expecting me to have cooked and I’m feeling a lot of pressure. His argument is we’ve had a British Christmas every year at my parents which is fair enough and I’m completely supportive if he wants a Christmas eating his own culture etc, and I’d be delighted to join. But I can’t be expected to do the bloody cooking for it

OP posts:
Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 02/11/2025 21:57

Firstly, I'd just say "you invited them, you will cook it".
Secondly, I don't understand this " can't find any English recipes." Like ..just Google it or ask your family if, as you say, you've been to your folks for Christmas recently??

Thirdly, leave the misogynist.

MidnightColours · 02/11/2025 21:58

WildFlowerBees · 02/11/2025 21:35

Why do some women set the bar so low for relationships? What exactly do these men bring to the table except misery?

My dh would never do this I’m not ‘lucky’ he’s just a decent person. Your dp has put himself first without giving any thought to you and instead of acknowledging the many helpful posts you swerve and continue to talk about how overwhelmed you feel.

Set your boundaries and honestly ask yourself why you remain in a relationship with a man who thinks so little of you.

Edited

I'm going to be crucified for this, but it seems some women accept -or even actively participate in- being a "martyr" at the beginning (to show how much they care?). Then they get stuck in the role and can't get out anymore, particularly as very few men will actively take on "women's" tasks and are only too happy to be off the hook? Men just won't do anything they don't want to and don't apologise for it. The particularly sneaky ones will even use this as "well, she took it on, so she must have wanted to do it (forever and ever)/must have wanted me not to do it (ever)".

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 02/11/2025 21:59

It's certainly an interesting first thread though, op! ;)

Hedgehogbrown · 02/11/2025 21:59

I think you should just marry him and be his slave.

longtompot · 02/11/2025 21:59

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 20:19

It just doesn’t seem fair that I’ve been roped into this but he’s got me over a barrel because he’s had a British Christmas with my parents the last few years and thinks it’s time we had a traditional Christmas for him which is fair enough. But then I’m having to do the cooking, I don’t know where to start.

I will feel like a hired caterer (a very crap, incompetent one)

Edited

He doesn't have you over barrel. Did he cook this British Christmas dinner the past few years? I suspect not. He can cook the traditional meals from his home country. He is highly unreasonable to expect you to cook unfamiliar recipes. Why is he expecting you to do all the work?

Grammarnut · 02/11/2025 22:00

This is ridiculous. This man cannot possibly expect you to conjure up a traditional Christmas dinner in the manner of his family - you don't know how and don't have any recipes. Point this out. Say he cooks. If he doesn't want to cook then go to your parents and let him get on with whatever he wants.
Are you sure you want to be with this man? He sounds a right prick.

Istanbol · 02/11/2025 22:00

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 21:20

Well in the dating stage he used to know how to cook basic meals and then all of a sudden “forgot” when I moved in. I begged him to cook a few months ago when I was violently ill with flu and the food was awful. He admits he hates cooking and doesn’t want to do it and then he tells me all sorts of things he does such as DIY, mowing lawn etc and that I don’t do any of those things so it’s fair

DIY happens once in a blue moon, mowing the lawn is not a daily job. Cooking is an everyday job and I’m guessing you probably do all the housework form this sexist man?
OP you need to think long and hard about what you want here because if you have this man’s baby, life in going to get much much harder. You’ll have two babies to look after.

Kelticgold · 02/11/2025 22:07

Sparkletastic · 02/11/2025 20:15

I think you might have made a mistake with this man.

First poster always nails it.

This man has been incredibly rude, he should have discussed it with you before inviting anyone.
If he feels nostalgic about his country’s traditional food, he should be a bit more proactive and start cooking. He should do the hosting duties.
A very disrespectful man, you’ve got. This doesn’t look good.

MeridaBrave · 02/11/2025 22:07

It’s only 3 extra people, so your partner can do the cooking. Tell your partner that he will be doing the cooking exactly as he wants it and sorting out the sleeping areas. Just say you aren’t doing it. And don’t do it. keep on reminding him you won’t be doing it .

BadLuckNameChange · 02/11/2025 22:08

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 21:20

Well in the dating stage he used to know how to cook basic meals and then all of a sudden “forgot” when I moved in. I begged him to cook a few months ago when I was violently ill with flu and the food was awful. He admits he hates cooking and doesn’t want to do it and then he tells me all sorts of things he does such as DIY, mowing lawn etc and that I don’t do any of those things so it’s fair

you in danger girl whoopy goldberg GIF

…

You have a much bigger problem than food for Christmas.

There’s a reason that a lot of abuse starts when the woman is pregnant - because it’s one of the times when you’re most vulnerable. The way he reacted when you had the flu seems to me like a sign of things to come. Any man (or woman) in the world can cook an egg without fucking it up IF THEY WANT TO. You said he seems to have “forgotten” how to cook when you moved in. I’d bet money that when the baby comes, he’ll also forget how to wake up during the night, or in fact how to do anything at all. These are the kind of men that think maternity leave is a “vacation.”

And I know it may be a knee-jerk reaction to respond, “He’s never hurt me!” And hopefully he never will, but there’s more than one type of abuse. It sounds to me like he’s not someone who fights “fair” (accusing you of “ruining” your whole evening TONIGHT because he was just thinking of childhood Christmases and you rightly pointed out that you, no shit, are incapable of making some feast of foreign dishes). How’s he acting right now? STILL short with you? Maybe he’s even giving you the silent treatment? Not. Good. Relationship research has shown that relationships ending (in particular, divorce) can be predicted by the way people fight.

Maybe there’s a lot of good to this relationship and this incident is just happening to highlight all the weak spots. But if he already told you not to make his cultural food because “it won’t be the same,” then you’re in a catch-22: even if you DID make the full Eastern European Christmas dinner, you’d be stuck staring at a bunch of slapped-arse sour faces because it wasn’t “just like mum used to make.” The only way to win is not to play, and I saw your comment that said you’ve told him no.

But you need to do a lot of thinking. Like I said, is he miraculously going to bad at changing nappies and soothing the baby and night wake ups and making bottles and and and… the same way he became magically bad at cooking when you moved in?

I added the GIF because I thought you needed a light-hearted moment but… really. Maybe go to your parents for a weekend so you really have time to think.

Bestfootforward11 · 02/11/2025 22:09

You’ve been together 3 years but there doesn’t seem to be any teamwork here. Why do you have to cook all these dishes? He hates cooking but so do a lot of people but they just have to crack on. He has piled on you the responsibility to make Christmas special for him and his whole family. And I’m guessing even if you did do it, he’d be saying it’s not the same as when he was young…What might’ve been nice is to cook together. My parents are from 2 different countries with very different cuisine and they’d sometimes spend time cooking together on the weekend and we kids were roped in too. But your DP is approaching this as he says, you do. If this indicative of other behaviour, I’d suggest reconsidering the relationship. I don’t think this is how a healthy partnership should work.

chaosmaker · 02/11/2025 22:10

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 20:19

It just doesn’t seem fair that I’ve been roped into this but he’s got me over a barrel because he’s had a British Christmas with my parents the last few years and thinks it’s time we had a traditional Christmas for him which is fair enough. But then I’m having to do the cooking, I don’t know where to start.

I will feel like a hired caterer (a very crap, incompetent one)

Edited

He didn't do any prep when you had xmas with your folks so it's his turn with his.

DoodlesMam · 02/11/2025 22:10

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 20:21

I’ve ruined our night apparently as he was talking to me reminiscing about childhood Christmases and was going on about dishes he can’t wait for me to cook and I said I felt overwhelmed and wasn’t sure if I wanted to do it. I’ve “ruined his mood and ruined our night”

er a bit of a red flag? Maybe explain that you're not the house elf and either its 50 50 or its macdonalds?

SendhelpToddlerBoy566 · 02/11/2025 22:10

Abortion. Now.

If you think he's being a bit mysoginistic now, you have absolutely no idea what is coming for you.

Kelticgold · 02/11/2025 22:11

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 02/11/2025 21:57

Firstly, I'd just say "you invited them, you will cook it".
Secondly, I don't understand this " can't find any English recipes." Like ..just Google it or ask your family if, as you say, you've been to your folks for Christmas recently??

Thirdly, leave the misogynist.

I think she means she can’t find his country’s traditional recipes translated into English.

Because he can not even do that for her, the treasure.

PaddlingSwan · 02/11/2025 22:13

Am I correct in thinking that your "annoyance" partner does not come from somewhere that traditionally celebrates Christian Christmas?
He needs to step up or you need to go to your family.
If you are not able to resolve this, you need to discard this one.

ChestnutGrove · 02/11/2025 22:14

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 02/11/2025 20:19

Why are you cooking this meal. When DH wants to do a traditional meal from his country for his friends or family - he cooks.

Tell him you are looking forward to trying all the dishes he will be preparing and how much you appreciate him sharing his culture with you.

Agreed

TheAutumnalCrow · 02/11/2025 22:16

PaddlingSwan · 02/11/2025 22:13

Am I correct in thinking that your "annoyance" partner does not come from somewhere that traditionally celebrates Christian Christmas?
He needs to step up or you need to go to your family.
If you are not able to resolve this, you need to discard this one.

No, he’s from Central Europe, the OP said.

Poland, Romania, Hungary … all have longstanding traditions around food preparation, church and eating from Christmas Eve and into Christmas Day.

Breadcat24 · 02/11/2025 22:16

he invite he cooks

99bottlesofkombucha · 02/11/2025 22:16

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 21:20

Well in the dating stage he used to know how to cook basic meals and then all of a sudden “forgot” when I moved in. I begged him to cook a few months ago when I was violently ill with flu and the food was awful. He admits he hates cooking and doesn’t want to do it and then he tells me all sorts of things he does such as DIY, mowing lawn etc and that I don’t do any of those things so it’s fair

You know this doesn’t actually make sense don’t you? You need to eat, wear clothes and live in a clean house every day. Every decent human adult pulls their weight in contributing to this- it’s like a baby learning to walk. After that diy etc is on top.

again, if this is real, you should leave. This dick ‘offered to help clean up’ earns zero points. You will have a shit Christmas if you don’t leave, he won’t cook, if you cook british food he will say nasty shit about you to his family, no matter what happens. You will sit there smiling politely while they talk in a different language and ignore you , and I think no matter what happens he will say nasty shit about you to his family. If he cooks he will sulk and make you miserable and say really nasty shit about you to his family, if you cook his ‘helping clean up’ will be worse than my 3yo attempts, and the tantrum if you call him on it will equal my 3yos. That’s an awful awful Christmas any way you look at it and you could iust not accept it and go to your mums. And stay there, baby needs food and you might get sick again- he doesn’t have your or baby’s back.

YoudonemessedupAyAyRon · 02/11/2025 22:18

I would not be having this man’s child or any further Christmases with him. He sounds like a shit.

hihelenhi · 02/11/2025 22:19

GarlicHound · 02/11/2025 21:31

Dear lord, this is a bloody nightmare! It makes our simple roast with extras look like a plate of sarnies:
https://www.polonist.com/polish-christmas-food/

Culinary details aside, OP, it does seem you've got yourself a man with rigid & unreasonable expectations. I'd bugger off out of there if I were you.

Sorry, have I missed something? Do we know it's Polish? (if so, I think you're meant to have your Christmas carp swimming about in your bath already, OP...) Edit: ah, I see, "Central Europe".

Seriously, though. What ARE you doing with this useless, controlling man? It'd be high pressure to cook a Christmas dinner you're familiar with for people you don't know, let alone something you don't have the first clue about with people who will be bitching about your failings in another language. Awful, awful man who thinks it's 1950, wants a little subservient wife and is going to make it as difficult for you as possible at Christmas, so he can have a go at you for not being 'up to scratch'. It really isn't "fair enough", it's abusive. This is not a situation you want to be bringing a baby into.

Iamnotalemming · 02/11/2025 22:21

He and the visiting relatives can cook the main from their culture and you can do a dessert. Few bottles of wine and everyone is happy. Tell him the alternative is you order a pizza.

WhatterySquash · 02/11/2025 22:21

Bloody hell OP! As many others have said, just no.

No I won't cook for YOUR guests who YOU invited without even consulting me!

No, just because I have a vagina doesn't mean I do everything while you sit on your arse.

And frankly no to him as a whole, he has zero respect for you and is a sexist arsehole. He should be talking about how he'll do everything at christmas as you'll pregnant, knackered and possibly feeling sick.

So what if he's had British Christmases, the poor diddums? That doesn't mean you have to provide him with a non-British one! It's very clearly his turn to do the donkey work for the guests he invited. If he doesn't know how he can learn, like he;s expecting you to.

Agree with PPs, go to your mum's on your own where someone else will cook and you can take it easy.

I understand not continuing the pregnancy isn't for everyone but it's something I would consider carefully, while kicking Mr Host with the Most back to the 1950s where he belongs.

Flippineck67 · 02/11/2025 22:22

I would leave him now.

Do not buy a house with this man.

Your future is only going to get worse if you stay with this man. He's got red flags written all over him and they usually start to change once you're pregnant.

He's giving you a taste of what your future will look like so open your eyes and smell the coffee. In his eyes, you're worthless and only there to serve him. Your feelings don't count and they never will.

Run as fast as you can and don't look back. Your baby will thank you for it.

Tell a friend or family, contact women's aid and start the freedom program course ASAP.