To not want to cook a full foreign Christmas spread for people I’ve only met once?

[KatieBenoiteee]

My partner is from another country. His only relative in this country is a cousin who lives with her partner and his brother. In the 3 years we’ve been together I only met her once as she always cancelled meet-ups last minute.

We did meet a few weeks ago, the partner and brother came with and we all went out. They were pleasant enough but spoke their own language a lot (which is understandable but at times I was excluded) and the cousin’s partner made a condescending comment about my job.

My partner has now invited them all to ours for Christmas dinner and I’m dreading it. We’re trying to save for a house and I had already declined to go to my family for Christmas to take away pressure of buying presents etc and I thought we’d have a cosy day. I’ve never cooked a Christmas dinner before so I was going to order some sort of M&S package which has all the necessary ingredients with trimmings etc and was going to bung that in the oven and maybe make a pudding. I had a nice image of us having a cosy day together and watching films etc.

Now he’s invited them he’s expecting me to put on a whole spread of their traditional Christmas dishes. I don’t have a bloody clue where to start and can’t find any English recipes. I’ll also have to make up sleeping areas for them etc etc. I’ve only got Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day off and it will be constant work. I’ve got visions of me slaving away in the kitchen whilst they are all eating (and probably criticising the inevitably crap food between themselves) and getting drunk. I will be completely lost cooking their food, it will be several different dishes he is expecting and I will be overwhelmed. Not to mention I’m 5 weeks pregnant so might be feeling tired etc by Christmas.

AIBU to tell them no and we either visit them or we have Christmas just us? He says I’m being miserable but he has absolutely no intention of helping with cooking as it hates it. In his country they are quite traditional and they will all show up to the house expecting me to have cooked and I’m feeling a lot of pressure. His argument is we’ve had a British Christmas every year at my parents which is fair enough and I’m completely supportive if he wants a Christmas eating his own culture etc, and I’d be delighted to join. But I can’t be expected to do the bloody cooking for it

You give your partner the hardest no you can muster and don't even think about changing your mind. No decent man would expect you to do all the work for his guests when you don't even want to host them.

Now he’s invited them he’s expecting me to put on a whole spread of their traditional Christmas dishes.

Fuck that. Presumably he has hands and as cooking grant require milk ducts or vaginas he can deal with the consequences of his actions.

I don’t have a bloody clue where to start and can’t find any English recipes.

not your problem.

I’ll also have to make up sleeping areas for them etc etc.

not your problem.

I’ve only got Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day off and it will be constant work.

if it is it’s your partner’s work, not yours.

I’ve got visions of me slaving away in the kitchen whilst they are all eating (and probably criticising the inevitably crap food between themselves) and getting drunk.

why would you allow/enable that?

i will be completely lost cooking their food, it will be several different dishes he is expecting and I will be overwhelmed.

avoid this by not doing it.

Not to mention I’m 5 weeks pregnant so might be feeling tired etc by Christmas.

not too late to disentangle yourself from this arsehole.

This has to be one of the troll wind up Mumsnet posts. It's ticking so many boxes. The OP is super aware of why it's unreasonable, yet is unable/unwilling to do anything different+ pregnancy. Guaranteed to be a Reddit thread laughing about this one

In a normal relationship, your family would cook when your family hosts and his family will cook when his family hosts. He has invited them, he is the host as it's side of the family, he cooks.

However, that aside, this relationship is going nowhere because you have completely different cultures and he is not willing to compromise. I would advise you to move out, end the relationship and let him have the freedom of a single person to invite who he wants to his house.

As he invited them, he should be doing the cooking, shopping and organising.
If he won’t, then I suggest you LTB as he’s got a cheek.

IMHO you should think very carefully about a future with this man.

Sure, he can have a traditional Xmas, by doing all the shopping and cooking himself.

No one has you over a barrel. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.

I agree with PP who said go to your parents. Let him host his cousin in your home.

Why do you have to do the cooking?
Do you always do the cooking?

If you want to cook, then you cook an English dinner. Its madness trying to cook a cuisine you don't know how to cook while the rest of them sit around.

If you don't want to cook, then let him sort out the food.

Personally I wouldn't want to spend my Christmas time off work with strangers speaking in another language in my home.

Help with the cleaning up?? It’s his cleaning up and his cooking to do! If you help him with it, it’s kind of you.

Honestly, I would change your mind about going to your family and change your mind about the relationship.

It’s a sign of things it come, and as so often is the case, it’s started when you’re pregnant!

Oh gosh, this sounds like him showing his true colours.
He is not sensitive to your feelings and when you point out the potential overwhelm, you're spoiling things for him.
I'm so sorry, OP, this is a shit situation.
Like others have said, have Christmas with your parents, where they will look after you. He needs to know he can't be taking you for granted like this.

its not fair on you to do all this in your first trimester. You need to avoid stress in those first few weeks. You’ll only just be 12 weeks then, tell him it’s not safe to be stressed and he should be looking after you. Can they book a delivery from a local restaurant, or go to a local pub? Wishing you luck.

Do not have a child with this man.

He’s shown you who he is. Now is the time to run.

Why does he have you over a barrel because he’s had a British Christmas with your parents . He didn’t cook it did he?

There’s no way I’d cook a meal for guests that consisted of food from their home country. If that’s what they want to eat, they need to bring dishes and your partner needs to cook.

Maybe the Reddit bros will freak out at the idea of women in the UK being able to access abortions to disentangle themselves from crap men, and <horror!> encourage each other to do so when the circumstances call for it.

He sounds dreadful. You can do better.

he can cook and host and clear up and prepare beds. I would go to see your family for lunch and the evening, but if you must stay with him and his relatives- who no doubt you won’t understand, make your plan to stay out of the kitchen.

Does his 'culture' celebrate Christmas?

pack your bags and leave. Is he kidding.

That's a NO from me. He invited them, he cooks. If he refuses, you go to your parents.

OP surely there are some Polish food shops in UK where your DP can order these special dishes already made/ pre prepare that can be delivered?

He’ll get over it. Don’t give in.

How dare he invite them without talking to you first.

Especially as he expects you to do all the cooking.

As I said don’t give in then this way you won’t be setting yourself up for future christmases where he’ll invite all and sundry with you doing all the cooking plus looking after the kids.

Remind him that we’re living in 2025 and not the 50s. Does he expect you to clean the kitchen up afterwards as well.

Nip this in the bud now.

Thank you everyone for the advice. I’ve had stern words. I’m making a curry for everyone as I like curry, make a lovely curry and am comfortable making it. He will prepare a traditional side dish himself. Not going to do the classic English Christmas dinner as I’m not comfortable doing that for 5 people for my first time

What a CF he is!

Exactly. I told him I was being set up to fail

If having his traditional Christmas is so important, if he starts now, there is plenty of time for him to find an appropriate restaurant and either book it, or arrange to have the dishes delivered. Restaurants did this during the pandemic. That would mean he would be treating his pregnant partner well at Christmas by giving her rest and food as a Christmas present as well as introducing their foetus to his heritage … win-win … do you get where I’m coming from 😉

He invited them without consulting you. If he wantd traditional dishes from his own country than he can cook them
And as for all talking in their own language whilst you are there, that's just bloody rude