Husband has been gambling behind my back

[Wouldratherbeinitaly]

Been together for 17 years and married 10. I've always been the higher earner and have never minded paying a bit more to try and balance things out. Husband recently got a new job that gave him a good increase and I thought that things might be starting to balance out a bit. He's told me today he's in debt to the tune of £60k and has been gambling to try and pay off his debts (which has obviously made everything worst).

This has been going on for two years. I'm absolutely shocked. We have a joint account for bills etc and then our own. He has taken out 6 credit cards and has substantial amounts on all of them. On top of that he took a loan for £30k last year without saying anything to me. He has spoken to a debts advisor and has blocked himself on all the gambling sites. We've spent the afternoon going over everything and, with me paying more than I do now it's salvageable in terms of finances.

Separately, I'm am beyond angry. He got very upset when he told me and said "he couldn't tell me because I would behave the way I always did". He told me he'd contemplated suicide. There was a lot of crying and self pity but not once did I hear a sorry. It's only now that I've sat down to mull it over I just don't know if i can keep going. When I think back over the past two years and all the lies he's told and everything he's kept hidden, i feel sick. We've also just gone through 3 horrid rounds of ivf which I paid for (unsuccessful) and I just feel almost grateful it wasn't successful as I don't think i could bring a child into that.

I understand he's ill. I understand he needs help. But it falls on me again. He had a breakdown in the past and we had no help from his family. I had to pick up everything. I just feel this means he's heading the same way and I have to pick up the pieces. Like I always do. Part of me does feel like I should leave but I'm terrified he'll do something to himself. I've given him an ultimatum to get help and set down rules in relation to finances but I feel like his mum and not his wife.

Any idea where to go from here?

YABU - he's not well
YANBU - I'd feel exactly the same

Oh I am so sorry @Wouldratherbeinitaly. My exDH was a gambler. I remember once going for a nap and in the space of an hour he’d lost 3k and emptied our current account of the money for my university fees. Surprises like this were constant. After I finally left him, it took a woman at payplan to explain to me that I’d been financially abused for twenty years, and she calmed me as I sobbed down the phone. It was a hell and you are in it my dear and you have my sympathy. I am so sorry.
I have to be brutal and say that this won’t get better. Based on his response to the situation he has no intention of taking responsibility. He cannot even apologise. You need to cut your losses. Do not fall for the sunk cost fallacy. I left after 20 years. Do not be me. Don’t waste more time. Life is precious.

I would leave. He will just do it again.

I'm so sorry OP, it sounds like you have been very supportive of him for a long time and this must feel like a kick in the teeth 😔 I would say that if you feel like you want to leave, don't stay because you're afraid he will harm himself - you are not responsible for his actions and it is wrong of him to put that on you.

As the child of a gambler please leave. It never gets better and I've never yet met a gambler who stopped and stayed stopped.

Be honest with yourself here he isn't sorry, he isn't remorseful and he literally only told you because he could no longer hide it, if he could you'd be none the wiser.

Leave him but take advice first on how to avoid paying his debts. They don’t change and you will forever be worrying that he’s lying to you.

He's behaved terribly, he's gambled away £1000's and he says he couldn't tell you "because you'd behave the way you always did"- in other words he's trying to make this your fault, nasty judgemental you who wouldn't let him drag you into financial ruin to keep his addiction going. Leave Op, just leave, this won't get any better

Leave, sell the house if you have a mortgage. Share the equity. Let him pay his debts from that.
You are the higher earner, you can get yourself another home and live well without him.
I really detest men like your husband, tries to blame you, does not apologise, then cries and snivels. You owe it to yourself to have a good life and find someone worthy of you. I hope you do not cover his debts

He hasn’t learnt his lesson, because he’s still gambling. 60k is a huge amount of debt, more than most people earning in a year. I hate to think how much interest that accumulates.

I wonder why he told you now. What information is about to come to light?

I’d be surprised if it’s only been going for two years. That’s probably more debts hidden out there.

Apparently , it’s harder to give up a gambling addiction than other firms if addiction, including drugs.

Don’t saddle yourself with him. Break free and start fresh. Going forward, you be responsible for yourself, and let him be responsible for himself, good or bad.

And as you said, there’s been no apology. He doesn’t feel guilty at what he’s done, more that he possibly was about to be caught out.

It will never get better. I know many have said it, but I feel it bears repeating. Even if he ends up ‘in recovery’, the addiction will always ALWAYS come first. The main character energy and victimhood of his addiction or sobriety will always take preference over you and your needs, and you will be villainised constantly.

I am so sorry this bomb has been dropped in your life - I have been there (£500k over 10 years behind my back), and the devastation is not something I would ever wish on anyone. I can at least offer the small hope that it does get better on the other side, even if you build a life that looks very different to what you had every right to expect.

Please gather any trusted support you can, as this level of betrayal trauma takes an awful lot of processing x

This

You did not cause this and you cannot cure it.

Another with a gambling addict ex. I urge you to leave as soon as you can.

Can i just say I understand more than you know...I am still with him and we are working through things. Been together 14 years and I love him dearly.

I appreciate people saying leave but its not always that easy.

I have control of all bills these days. His salary is paid into my account and he is blocked with gamstop on all gambling avenues. He has seperately blocked himself from bookies in many counties. You have to call and manually block each bookie it takes a while but is worth it.

We have a lot of debt to pay off...north of £35k and it has prevented us buying a house but he is sorry and he has been better. I have access to absolutely everything his phone, his email, his clearscore...its a work in progress but what I will say is don't trust them. You have to see and have access to it all.

For me, i don't think he is a bad person but do think he has a problem we are working on together to resolve.

I appreciate you love him but honestly reading that all I could think is what a shockingly horrible way to live. Constantly being on edge, wondering if today is the day he places another bet, checking and rechecking and at the end of it all the knowledge that your life is on hold whilst you help someone you admit you don't trust pay off a debt that you didn't contribute too but which has such a stark impact on your daily life.

My parent stayed for a while, the sunken cost fallacy of wasted years and the worry about change from everything they had known for decades but truthfully you get one life and you should live it. She says now she regrets trying to fix the problem by staying for so long.

I agree with you but it is a choice I have made and he has been improving for many months now. I think people are too quivk to give up sometimes. I appreciate everyone is different.

There are charities which support the 'affected others' of gamblers and I strongly suggest you contact one of them - you need support yourself, urgently.

Gambling addiction is a hideous thing, and it an lead to people acting in ways they never would otherwise. I do think some people can stop, but I think it is very difficult and impossible to do by yourself. The comment about your reaction is concerning to me - it does not indicate that he is taking any personal responsibility here. Until he does, his chance of recovery is zero.

I don't think it's fair to say people are too quick to give up. I think it's pretty unkind actually. Most people's first reaction is to stay and try and fix the issue like the OP but actually it's not really something you can fix for them and what sort of a life is it to have to basically parent someone who is supposed to be your partner. You can still love the person but understand that its better to live your life without them.

I sincerely hope it works for you but it's not the way mos of us would want a relative, friend or our children to live.

I’m a gambler. I started playing online games about 4 years ago. I’m scared to count out how much I’ve lost over the years but it’s at least 30k. I stopped about a year ago when I’d spent all my savings, . I’ve blocked all gambling sites. The urge is still there, I keep thinking I’ll just have one more go and I’ll win big. But I’m determined to not gamble. I can’t anyway with the blocks on my phone. When I think about what I’ve lost I feel sick but I just have to be strong and resist temptation.

You either take control of all finances moving forward and work your marriage out, or separate/divorce.

He's an addict. That need will always been lurking in his background and you'll always have a niggle in the back of your mind whenever he has a wobble.

If you're not prepared to manage your entire financial life pretty well forever, go now.

Please look for the local gambling harms service through your local NHS - they have them all over the country and it can help you develop some new skills for when you are struggling.

Thanks to everyone who has commented. It's the advice I would absolutely give to anyone in this situation but for some reason I feel stuck. Looking back I feel so stupid for not picking up on what he was doing. I also feel like anything he's ever bought is tainted. He seemed regretful but that's probably just because he had to tell me. I'm scared there's more but am sure time will tell. My primary concern is making sure it doesn't destroy my finances and credit rating. I just keep running round in my head everything we've been through and how he managed to keep it a secret. The rug has absolutely been pulled from under me. We are going through the hardest journey with ivf and I'm putting my body through all of that and he does that.

In all honesty I don't know where we go from here but I know I need to do what's best for me. Any advice on the financial side would be much appreciated to protect myself.

A huge thanks to all who shared their stories. I know that's not easy. X

Honestly go now.
You don’t have children, it really is the best time to go.
Sell the house, he pays his debts, cut your losses while you can.

My dh was a gambler, I found out when he was visiting our dts in nicu. I'm not proud to say this but my first reaction was to bloody shame him on fb. I'm glad that I did though in hindsight, he was held accountable by all our friends and hasn't looked back since.

Financially you need to separate your finances. You also need to consider if he's secured any loans against your home. You also need to look at the possibility of creditors putting a charge against the property if it were to be sold. You are jointly responsible for the mortgage, so you are tied to him financially. You are in a position to leave - you are a high earner so can independently support yourself and as hard as it is, there's no children involved. It's probably the best time to divorce and leave. You are not responsible for his debts and the mess he's in. Why should you help your husband pay back debts that he alone has incurred?! He needs to be accountable for the situation. Don't waste your life away. My Grandfather was a gambler, and my Dad's childhood was bloody awful, barely any money to put food on the table. He spent it all on slot machines and the horses.