Husband has been gambling behind my back

[Wouldratherbeinitaly]

Been together for 17 years and married 10. I've always been the higher earner and have never minded paying a bit more to try and balance things out. Husband recently got a new job that gave him a good increase and I thought that things might be starting to balance out a bit. He's told me today he's in debt to the tune of £60k and has been gambling to try and pay off his debts (which has obviously made everything worst).

This has been going on for two years. I'm absolutely shocked. We have a joint account for bills etc and then our own. He has taken out 6 credit cards and has substantial amounts on all of them. On top of that he took a loan for £30k last year without saying anything to me. He has spoken to a debts advisor and has blocked himself on all the gambling sites. We've spent the afternoon going over everything and, with me paying more than I do now it's salvageable in terms of finances.

Separately, I'm am beyond angry. He got very upset when he told me and said "he couldn't tell me because I would behave the way I always did". He told me he'd contemplated suicide. There was a lot of crying and self pity but not once did I hear a sorry. It's only now that I've sat down to mull it over I just don't know if i can keep going. When I think back over the past two years and all the lies he's told and everything he's kept hidden, i feel sick. We've also just gone through 3 horrid rounds of ivf which I paid for (unsuccessful) and I just feel almost grateful it wasn't successful as I don't think i could bring a child into that.

I understand he's ill. I understand he needs help. But it falls on me again. He had a breakdown in the past and we had no help from his family. I had to pick up everything. I just feel this means he's heading the same way and I have to pick up the pieces. Like I always do. Part of me does feel like I should leave but I'm terrified he'll do something to himself. I've given him an ultimatum to get help and set down rules in relation to finances but I feel like his mum and not his wife.

Any idea where to go from here?

YABU - he's not well
YANBU - I'd feel exactly the same

My friend's ex-dh was a gambler - in secret.

He gambled away their savings. Then remortgaged the house without her knowing.

Then embezzled money from his work and it only all came to light when the police turned up at the school he was a headteacher at to arrest him.

She left him.

OP speak to Citizen's Advice about protecting yourself financially. They can signpost you to the appropriate services.

Leave..my ex was a gambler a secret one for 2 years then it all came out supposedly was getting help, sorted a plan for paying back cards etc. Think the good time lasted about 4 weeks then he started stealing money from my purse, he even stole my mums bank and credit cards and blamed another family member. Stuff started disappearing around the house he took to cash converters and the final straw 6 months later he stole the last £15 from my purse that was for formula for our new baby and tried to blame a visiting midwife. 3 days later I packed and left and that was 15 years ago. I got a super quick divorce as my parents said if he signed papers they wouldn't go to police about stolen bank and credit card so he did. All the false promises of changing, all the lies and family turmoil he created in a short time was unbelievable.. never seen him since and married the most wonderful man after

Same here. Online slots for the past 3 years. Hard to stop. But I’m trying x

Both of you, contact Gamblers Anonymous.

The first love of my life was an addict. He was a good guy. But ill.

I am doing that. Sorry you were affected by someone else’s gambling x

Hi OP - I would get professional advice from a solicitor about separating your finances. Even if you do stay together it may be best to divorce so that your assets aren’t tied together by marriage.

I would end it; my dad had something very like a gambling addiction and it was more destructive than you’d believe. Mum put up with losing her home, twice, feeding us on beans and potatoes for years, grafting 18 hours a day to keep the show on the road. He eventually left her and she had a really good 20 years after that when she finally had control of her own life. What they do is remove any ability you have to make your own choices, they make choices for you and blow your life up. I could put up with other women and am often here saying ‘ooh talk to him’ in different circumstances including infidelity but with financial shit, particularly affecting the roof over my head, I’d be gone.

Been in this situation. Best thing I did was call CAB and they advised me to separate myself from him financially asap by calling Experian or any other credit agency and telling them the situation and to note that we were financially independent of each other. That way my credit rating wasn’t affected and I wasn’t liable for any of his debt. They’ll go through everything against your address so you can tell them that all those credit cards etc that are his are nothing to do with you. Then I sold our house as fast as I could, followed by a swift divorce.

He's been out tonight and has just come home. He's not asked me how I am at any point. I've just realised he didn't ask me that earlier either. He really only cares about himself doesn't he? I'm not convinced he actually wants to be with me.... rather he just wants to be with my bank balance. I'd love to do and scream at him but it's not worth it is it? He's absolutely destroyed everything we had.

Do not have children with this man. He's got a cheek blaming you for him not telling you earlier the trying to guilt trip by saying he felt suicidal. It's all bollocks and it won't end here. Trust me. I've been in a relationship with an addict.

In your OP you say he claims he's been gambling to pay off his debts. Does he mean debts he accumulated through gambling or did he first accumulate debt in other ways? And if so, how? What was he spending money he didn't have on?

I don't know that the above matters much. You allude in your OP to gambling addiction being an illness, but I think it's important to remember that the disease model of addiction is just a model for treatment purposes. It isn't the full story. Addiction isn't something that just happens; isn't something that sufferers have no responsibility for. He will have made choices everyday to keep it secret from you, to dissemble, hide and lie, to gamble instead spending money on the family, to prioritise himself, etc. Addicts have a harder time not making selfish choices, but they are selfish choices and they were selfish choices right from the beginning. The impact on you of supporting him would be to take the brunt of the impact of his selfishness.

I have a friend whose husband has done this on multiple occasions. She is now approaching retirement age with almost nothing because he has gambled everything away. They lost their house and now rent. She has bailed him out on numerous occasions. He stole from their kids so they have very little to do with them both. I know people can recover but it's a very hard thing to deal with.

Ah OP. I'm so sorry he has put you in this position.

I think you know deep down what you need to do, but this has been a shock so you need time to process it all. You do not need to make a decision right now.

But this issue is out in the open now, and now you will most likely pick up on other things that just seemed not right to you before, and were likely pushed under the rug or shrugged off.

I very much think the drowning man reference applies here. This is an addiction and the chances are that he will pull you under too.

You cannot have a baby now OP. Not with this man and this situation. You cannot rely on him.

If you are able, I would get some legal advice to see where you stand financially and to see if you can secure any funds that you might have.

How dare he blame you for his having hidden his secret gambling and debts. How bloody dare he.

Please do not have children with him! My mum had to divorce my dad when I was a child because he just couldn't stop gambling besides being given warnings. He even took all money from my savings account that my maternal gp set up..
He's 80+ now and still hasn't kicked the habit..

I think you probably have a greater strength of character than most gamblers.
Good luck to you and stay strong. x

No it’s not worth it

Really! Where the F… has he been?
Out with mates and spending money he doesn’t have? If so, this guy needs kicking into touch.
Please come back and tell me this is not the case and he’s taken a second job somewhere to help pay off HIS debts…although I doubt it.
This behaviour is not what anyone deserves to be at the receiving end of.
He won’t even accept full responsibility for his actions. The absolute bare faced cheek of him trying to put part of the blame onto you because of your possible reaction.

Seriously, I would be having a face to face conversation with his parents but I would present it as seeking their advice. I don’t care that he’s now an adult because he’s not behaving like one! and don’t let him come back at you with nonsense like “that was a betrayal of trust”. The biggest betrayal of trust is his running up thousands of pounds of debt.
Hopefully your eyes have now been opened.
Good luck lass x ❤️

100 % this ^^
I’d kick him out, how dare he try laying it all on you 🤬
It’s not going to get any better staying with him, all respect has gone. I would despise him.

Thank you. You're right. I've been going over everything since he told me and there's so many things that don't add up that I need answers to. I know I probably won't get them but I have to ask. Have barely slept and now have a long day at work so going to try out it to one side and get through the day. I definitely need time to process. His "poor me" complex is something I just don't have time for.

To all who have suggested getting advice, that's my first thing to do and I will.

This is horrendous. Please leave him. He will land you in financial trouble over and over.

He is responsible for this. Please don’t take on the fear of his topping himself or anything like that.

Saying that you think that people are too quick to give up sometimes sounds rather judgemental. What OP's DH has done is the equivalent of stealing at least £60k which OP will need to repay. He is full of self-pity but hasn't really apologised. He thinks that he is the victim rather than OP.

Plus, I don't think you can ever trust a gambler never to gamble again. They often find a way around all the restrictions that have been implemented. If OP stays with him, she will be in a permanent stage of hyper-vigilance which isn't healthy for anyone.

I would suggest taking today off if possible and getting the ball rolling by contacting CAB and looking into your options. You won't be able to concentrate at work and it will give you a bit of time to process the situation.

I definantly think there’s more to come out, else why has he told you now.

Stay strong, and as others have said, give yourself time to process everything what has happened, grieve the changes in circumstance, take advice, and make plans. Doesn’t have to be done in a day, but give yourself a timeframe. And don’t allow him to shift the blame on you. This is his undoing, not yours.