Husband has been gambling behind my back

[Wouldratherbeinitaly]

Been together for 17 years and married 10. I've always been the higher earner and have never minded paying a bit more to try and balance things out. Husband recently got a new job that gave him a good increase and I thought that things might be starting to balance out a bit. He's told me today he's in debt to the tune of £60k and has been gambling to try and pay off his debts (which has obviously made everything worst).

This has been going on for two years. I'm absolutely shocked. We have a joint account for bills etc and then our own. He has taken out 6 credit cards and has substantial amounts on all of them. On top of that he took a loan for £30k last year without saying anything to me. He has spoken to a debts advisor and has blocked himself on all the gambling sites. We've spent the afternoon going over everything and, with me paying more than I do now it's salvageable in terms of finances.

Separately, I'm am beyond angry. He got very upset when he told me and said "he couldn't tell me because I would behave the way I always did". He told me he'd contemplated suicide. There was a lot of crying and self pity but not once did I hear a sorry. It's only now that I've sat down to mull it over I just don't know if i can keep going. When I think back over the past two years and all the lies he's told and everything he's kept hidden, i feel sick. We've also just gone through 3 horrid rounds of ivf which I paid for (unsuccessful) and I just feel almost grateful it wasn't successful as I don't think i could bring a child into that.

I understand he's ill. I understand he needs help. But it falls on me again. He had a breakdown in the past and we had no help from his family. I had to pick up everything. I just feel this means he's heading the same way and I have to pick up the pieces. Like I always do. Part of me does feel like I should leave but I'm terrified he'll do something to himself. I've given him an ultimatum to get help and set down rules in relation to finances but I feel like his mum and not his wife.

Any idea where to go from here?

YABU - he's not well
YANBU - I'd feel exactly the same

He's off this week and I have important things at work so have decided just to go in. I haven't told anyone in real life what's happened and am just trying to work out who's the best person to tell.

I had been thinking "I'm not paying his debts" but I am really as I'm paying more of the bills again so he can clear the debt which is the same thing. He was fast asleep this morning.... he probably feels relieved it's out in the open. And now I'm the one who has to deal with it......

See a solicitor, pronto. Make sure he has no access to your bank accounts and credit cards. Close and empty any joint accounts you have. He will rise you for everything you have unless you are very careful.

what’s your housing situation?

He was out last night - we all hope he was working but it seems unlikely. He’s relieved and sleepy this morning having unloaded all the stress on you. God almighty.

Yes, have a good day at work and note the contrast when you are with people who you can trust are telling you the truth, at least about things that affect you. Do you have an Employee Assistance Programme or similar? Use them.

Unlike @FlowersFawb I think people stay with gamblers much too long. My mum stayed about 25 years too long. Her retirement, which would have been penurious, was saved by her aunt, who left her some money accumulated over six decades of satisfying work all over the world. My aunt never married. My dad went on to a string of girlfriends, eventually living with one, from whom he embezzled 100k in her 80s. I’m incredibly grateful she put up with him but she shouldn’t have tbh.

Wow, he blames you and threatens suicide, what a catch.

Gosh. Please find the strength to leave this man.

I felt so angry reading your op and subsequent posts.
The audacity he has to not only put you in this situation, but to then not show any remorse (no apologies, not asking how you are, and the fact he’s happy for you to graft more to pay more, all whilst you’ve been likely going through turmoil through IVF)!
And where the fuck did he go out last night after this!

His behaviour since shows he’s got no burden at all. He will continue on with this.

You have two choices - don’t fall for the one where you think he will suddenly change. 30 grand of debt hidden from you from gambling!! This isn’t a case of a father who found himself supporting the whole household after multiple maternity leaves and childcare etc on one wage!!

Can I ask how or what triggered him to actually tell you?

I don't know what triggered him to tell me. He said it got too much. I don't believe him. The figures and timeline he gave me just don't add up. And when I count it up, it's nearer £75k.

He went out as he had plans already to go out and after telling me he said "he needed a friend to talk to". Very good. I'll be honest, I thought i wanted him as far away from me as possible last night but once he left I was just left thinking and without him there to answer my questions, I think it just made everything worse. He woke the dog when he came in so I went to get her and he didn't say anything to me. I mean, I didn't say anything to him, but why should I? I'm not the one that has broken everything. He mentioned telling his mum yesterday and said he might do that today. Intrigued to see if he does. She's absolutely useless at the best of times but it would give me someone else to talk to whether she likes it or not. My parents are away this week and to be honest i can't face telling them.... just trying to think of someone who will be strong for me and care about me as that's what's missing right now....

You've been worse than scammed, Op.

This person supposedly loves you most and knows you trusted him.

I would only stay if a very strict regimented plan for handling any money what-so-ever was instigated by H. He needs to be transparent and not have any control of earnings. Never allow him access to your cards, accounts and pin numbers. Transfer ownership of cars and houses into your name.
He needs to realise his lying and apologise in words and massive action.

You don’t have to do anything on any particular timescale but I would definitely tell your parents. And a counsellor, if your employer gives access. If not, google what the NHS offers in your area - in mine you can self refer to talking therapy. Obviously you can go private but it’s expensive and maybe start with what’s available to you first.

@Wouldratherbeinitaly I'm so sorry this is happening to you. One option as you try to come to terms with this is to contact Gam-anon, they support the friends and relatives of gamblers. Their focus is helping people like yourself deal with the fallout of living with a gambler.

https://www.gam-anon.org

Thank you. They are on my list for today.

Thank you. They are on my list for today.

I would get onto Land Registry website today, firstly to check that there are no charges on your house other than your mortgage (in case he's secured a debt against the house) and secondly to sign up for alerts against anyone trying to add a charge.

Your house is, presumably, your biggest asset. Make that secure.

How did he owe all that money that he turned to gambling to try to pay back, that's my question Op. Unless it was spent on IVF he should have something to show for a debt like that.
More importantly, now he's told you he expects you to shore him up but he's not apologised and this will effect your future for years to come. I know you're in shock but you need the truth, where did that money go and what forced his confession_ sadly I suspect there's more shocks to come Op

He won't change and won't even take responsibility for his debts. If divorce him, share equity and his can go on clearing his debt. If you remain married you are at risk of losing everything you have built. No apology and just expecting you to bail him out shows he's not even sorry. You will never be happy and cherished with this man. Find one who will make you feel loved and cherished.

Do NOT have a baby with this man. ATM the bonds you have are breakable. Once a baby is in the mix it will be much harder.

From experience it won't change. I stayed with my ex partner for 13 years. Even from the beginning he never had money. He would lie all the time about money. "Can my mum borrow" "i need money for my car", the odd £ going out the joint account for vending machine at work just after he had been paid.
I recieved a large sum of money and stupidly paid his car/debts off.... he just got into more and lied about.
It was a relief when we split up. I guess i knew the whole time, I never felt settled but I guess im glad of that because no kids/marriage. My closest work friend told me he has never seen me so happy.
He hid his mail. When he moved out there was multiple letters from credit cards etc. I knew deep inside but I thought thank f**k he's gone. He is now paying me back around 10k, 5k for his car and then 5k for other bits but im positive its more than that.

I think this is the tip of the iceberg OP. The full reason he told you has not come to light yet. He already lied about the amount, so what else is he lying about?

You are 100% correct not to trust him, but he is the only one responsible for this happening.

And he was able to go out and breathe easy, as in his mind he has done the most difficult part, of telling you. But he is so far in his delusion if he thinks that makes it all better and you will now just take over and fix it.

Do you generally deal with all the major finances admin in the relationship?

You are not responsible for his happiness and mental well-being in these circumstances. He made conscious choices to gamble, and then to chase his losses. He has only confessed now because his house of cards is crashing down. He gave not one iota of thought for your happiness and mental well-being and is 100% to blame for his current predicament. This is not your mess to sort out.
I think you need to consider where you will be in 5 years, with him and without him, and see which future feels right for you.
It's going to a long, painful road, whatever you decide to do. I wish you well with the journey.

If he’s admitted to £60k I’d be worried it was even more than that….
I would call my employer today to make sure my November salary isn’t paid into a joint account. I would probably clear out my share of the joint account too.

I experienced similar in my marriage, albeit a different addiction (alcohol). When all the associated lies came to light I asked myself the question 'do I want to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder?' The answer to myself was 'no' and it wasn't easy either as I had a toddler.

You have a good job and no children - please, please realise you are worth so much more than this. Get out of your marriage while you can and also while you still have some money left.

If I was on the outside looking in I'd be saying the same thing.

I've heard nothing from him today until I messaged about the man coming to do some work in the house. All he said was his mum is on her way. Still no "how are you" or "sorry". I'm going to ask him some questions tonight and see where that takes me in terms of knowing more. I've called a debt management agency to speak to them about me and I think I'll reach out to my sibling as he's pretty level headed. I wish I had the strength to just walk now. I feel so weak but like some kind people have said, I'm still trying to take out all i suppose.

Your feelings are completely understandable - for sure you're blindsided at present as this is all new to you. I'm so sorry - you absolutely don't deserve this. Well done for deciding to reach out to your sibling, you can talk it all through with him. This is exactly what I did all those years ago, albeit it was my mum and dad. Family help, advice and support is definitely what you need at the moment.

You can think about your course of action but certainly get those financial safeguards in place to minimise your liability to any debts and ensure that your property has not been leveraged by him. I'm thinking of you today.

You do not need to make any decisions right now.

I think the important thing is just getting through the day, as this is a major shock.

You do absolutely need to tell someone, as firstly, you need to get this out, and secondly please do not feel you need to keep this a secret. You have done nothing wrong and you will need your support base around you.

My exh has for the last 10 years, asked repeatedly to borrow money on a monthly basis as he can’t afford food (how dare I suggest a food bank!!) whilst stood their with cigarette in hand, asked to ‘borrow’ money from my young teenagers savings account, and asked me to be a guarantor for him for a loan if £7k so he can pay off all his numerous smaller debts in one go!

And the sob story still hasn’t stopped.. ‘I wish I could afford to go on holiday’ ‘oh it’s ok for you…’ ‘how the heck can you afford that’… ‘I’m starving I’ve not eaten all week’ his go to line is… ‘pfft I wish.. I’ve got 57p (or other measly sum) until payday..’

It’s painful, takes all my energy not to let rip at him… the lies continue… honestly! I cannot wait for the day my child turns 18.

so yes, please extricate yourself from this person asap.

I hate to break this to you, but it has been illegal for a UK licensed gaming company to accept credit card payments since April 2020.

It's possible he's gambling on websites outside the UK, or he's using the cards for cash advances (which is going to be attracting colossal levels of interest) but ultimately I'm far from convinced that gambling is the only problem here.