Husband has been gambling behind my back

[Wouldratherbeinitaly]

Been together for 17 years and married 10. I've always been the higher earner and have never minded paying a bit more to try and balance things out. Husband recently got a new job that gave him a good increase and I thought that things might be starting to balance out a bit. He's told me today he's in debt to the tune of £60k and has been gambling to try and pay off his debts (which has obviously made everything worst).

This has been going on for two years. I'm absolutely shocked. We have a joint account for bills etc and then our own. He has taken out 6 credit cards and has substantial amounts on all of them. On top of that he took a loan for £30k last year without saying anything to me. He has spoken to a debts advisor and has blocked himself on all the gambling sites. We've spent the afternoon going over everything and, with me paying more than I do now it's salvageable in terms of finances.

Separately, I'm am beyond angry. He got very upset when he told me and said "he couldn't tell me because I would behave the way I always did". He told me he'd contemplated suicide. There was a lot of crying and self pity but not once did I hear a sorry. It's only now that I've sat down to mull it over I just don't know if i can keep going. When I think back over the past two years and all the lies he's told and everything he's kept hidden, i feel sick. We've also just gone through 3 horrid rounds of ivf which I paid for (unsuccessful) and I just feel almost grateful it wasn't successful as I don't think i could bring a child into that.

I understand he's ill. I understand he needs help. But it falls on me again. He had a breakdown in the past and we had no help from his family. I had to pick up everything. I just feel this means he's heading the same way and I have to pick up the pieces. Like I always do. Part of me does feel like I should leave but I'm terrified he'll do something to himself. I've given him an ultimatum to get help and set down rules in relation to finances but I feel like his mum and not his wife.

Any idea where to go from here?

YABU - he's not well
YANBU - I'd feel exactly the same

When they ‘need’ money, interest rate is of no consequence to them tbh.

Well £60k appears to be a significant underestimation.... looks like it's £90k. I'm not surprised in the slightest.

I'm sorry to hear that. Unfortunately 90k is probably not even the complete figure. Did you check if there were any loans secured against the house and get chance to speak to someone today?

90K, honestly you need to leave him I think

Over 90k? Oh my god OP. And whilst you were going through IVF?

I am so sorry. Look after yourself. x

90K!!😬
I don't think I could forgive that. Sorry Op but he will keep doing it. Please think about yourself x

Funny isn’t it. In a way the amount shouldn’t matter at all but £90k???

My husband gambled, the only way he stopped was when I took control of all our finances and gave him pocket money. He had no debit card, a secondary credit card on my account for emergencies so I could see all his expenditure. He also had over the phone counselling from one of the gambling helplines which was extremely good. He tried gam anon meetings but they did not work for him. I was lucky as he didn’t take out loans or cards, but he was a very high earner and we had no savings left. 7 years later we are in a very good place. He has to really want to stop though and you have to be really tough with him. Gordon Moody do residentials for gamblers. There are lots of good resources online.

90k is just shocking OP, I'm so sorry.

Hopefully all the debts are entirely in his name and you won't be responsible for them when you divorce.

He's an addict OP, he will be selfish and lie and do everything he can to protect himself. Once you start talking about leaving he'll probably suddenly start pulling out all the stops to get you to stay, he won't want to lose your financial support. - and that may include threatening to commit suicide. But you cannot be responsible for him and his behaviour OP, he is an adult man and responsible for himself. Please do not let him blackmail you into staying and trying to sort out this huge mess for him.

It doesn't sound like he has any interest in actually working on his addiction beyond not accessing online gambling and cutting up his cards - he will find a way. He'll be borrowing money off people or who knows what. You do not want to spend your life worrying about what he is doing OP, you cannot have a child with this man. Cut your losses and go and find someone decent. You deserve a million times better than this loser,

Sorry OP, as a recovering addict I can say that that 90k is NOT all the surprises to come.

Dont decide whether to leave yet, separate the finances, 100% full disclosure on anything else, go through every financial statement, credit check etc.

When you have a full picture of the financial position and of how hard it was to drag out of him, then you can decide. He is still hiding stuff.

OP this is probably going to be a process for you as it was for me so I hope this post doesn’t sound too harsh as it’s meant with love.

It sounds like he’s sorry he’s had to tell you, the ‘knew you’d react’, the underestimation of the true amounts, the lack of accountability because ultimately he wants to be able to manipulate the situation to be able to continue to gamble. He’s just focusing on your potential reaction to neuter you from showing emotion to make his life easier. Many women would throw him out at this point so if anything you may be under reacting to try and avoid upsetting him.

You cannot have children with this man ever. Even if he said and did all the right things now (which he isn’t btw) then it’s like living with a ticking time bomb. Every time an advert for betfred pops up online as you browse, you’ll be wondering if he’s been gambling. When you have a partner like this, you realise gambling is insidious. You can’t stake your future financial or emotional wellbeing on an addict. Mine was saying all the right things whilst joining new sites, gambling the joining offer and then blocking it and in his mind this was him being honest in saying he wasn’t gambling.

There are also charities which support the affected others of people who gamble. They can be invaluable and i would encourage anyone who is in OPs situation to look for them online.

Quelle suprise!!

That’s some gambling debt! If he pays one thousand pounds a month, that’s eight years of repayments (excluding interest), and he (apparently) only accumulated this debt within two years, that’s nearly four thousand per month . Is he also addicted to drugs?

OP. Is it because you’re worried he’s your last chance to have a family? I can understand it if so, ii’s a very powerful urge. But you could consider sperm donation, I’ve known at least three couples who had their children that way. They went to Spain because the law makes it easier, and it was cheaper anyway even consideriglights.

Apologies of this sounds inappropriate.

I’m sorry @Wouldratherbeinitaly you deserve so much more

He’s weak. He will never be a strong man or a man you can ever trust again and things will only get worse.

The manipulation over suicide is not your concern.

He has made all the poor choices in his life that now see him in the mess that he is in but what is completely unforgivable is that he’s dragged you down with him.

Is it a joint mortgage you have?

When I think of my posts on here I always seem to be telling someone to leave, to give up on their DP/DH, unfortunately there are some things you see over and over and you just know they won't have a happy ending. If your DH has managed to keep this huge amount of debt secret then he has a whole life you're not privy to, he's waited and waited until he knows he can't hide this anymore and if he was deeply remorseful he'd be on his knees saying sorry but he's not, is he? Protect yourself @Wouldratherbeinitaly , he thinks admitting his failings is enough but it's not, they'll be no more money for IVF, no money for time off after babies born, no money for you to indulge a DC. I'm sorry, truly sorry, but he has screwed you over big time

Thanks everyone. You've all been very kind. I've come home and he's so detached. Says he thinks we're done. Has gone upstairs as he needs "time for himself". He seems to think we can keep living in the same house while he sorts himself out. He absolutely needs mental health help but he's done a complete 180 from the kind husband he was (Or I thought he was) just on Saturday. I think it's hit me now tbh. I did see him as my last chance to be a mum. I'm 39.... starting over wasn't my plan. But maybe it's for the best. I just feel very lonely just now with my parents away but I will not ruin their holiday. Absolutely not.

Did something scare him for him finally telling you about it. Like I hope he’s not put you in any harms way by people he might be associated with. Why the big confession now?

I wondered the same. Are you safe?

I know a lot of mn-etrers are against snooping, but can you access his phone to check any messages, emails, etc., to see if you can gauge what’s actually going on?

You’ve got this!! YOU will get through this. But you have to give yourself a couple of weeks to wrap your head around all of this, and the change it’ll be, and then find that fire in your belly to get of this.

You’ve got time to have a baby, to find someone who will respect you. And do you know what - even playing devils advocate and being in the scenario that you didn’t, I’d much rather have a baby alone with a donor that a man like this who will never ever support your child. The resentment would be unbearable.

I’ve been thinking of you lots today. Sending you so much love 🥰

I'm safe. It's credit cards and a ridiculous loan. I have the DAS agreement here. I don't actually think there's more. I spoke to my brother and feel better for that. I have to think about what I want and what's best. His mum was here all day and is messaging on the family whatsapp like nothing has happened which is making me annoyed (probably misplaced anger but I'm going with it). I haven't been able to stomach anything and that useless feck of a husband of mine has gone upstairs with a sandwich and crisps. He is absolutely relieved and has ignored me sobbing down here which just makes it all worse.

Glad you’ve been able to speak to your brother op. Try to get some professional advice soon.

I am so sorry to hear that, OP. You honestly need to leave. Him and MIL think that the worst is over, they think it can all be swept under the carpet.... until the next time. Leave now and find a happy future, there's no happy future with a gambler.