Husband has been gambling behind my back

[Wouldratherbeinitaly]

Been together for 17 years and married 10. I've always been the higher earner and have never minded paying a bit more to try and balance things out. Husband recently got a new job that gave him a good increase and I thought that things might be starting to balance out a bit. He's told me today he's in debt to the tune of £60k and has been gambling to try and pay off his debts (which has obviously made everything worst).

This has been going on for two years. I'm absolutely shocked. We have a joint account for bills etc and then our own. He has taken out 6 credit cards and has substantial amounts on all of them. On top of that he took a loan for £30k last year without saying anything to me. He has spoken to a debts advisor and has blocked himself on all the gambling sites. We've spent the afternoon going over everything and, with me paying more than I do now it's salvageable in terms of finances.

Separately, I'm am beyond angry. He got very upset when he told me and said "he couldn't tell me because I would behave the way I always did". He told me he'd contemplated suicide. There was a lot of crying and self pity but not once did I hear a sorry. It's only now that I've sat down to mull it over I just don't know if i can keep going. When I think back over the past two years and all the lies he's told and everything he's kept hidden, i feel sick. We've also just gone through 3 horrid rounds of ivf which I paid for (unsuccessful) and I just feel almost grateful it wasn't successful as I don't think i could bring a child into that.

I understand he's ill. I understand he needs help. But it falls on me again. He had a breakdown in the past and we had no help from his family. I had to pick up everything. I just feel this means he's heading the same way and I have to pick up the pieces. Like I always do. Part of me does feel like I should leave but I'm terrified he'll do something to himself. I've given him an ultimatum to get help and set down rules in relation to finances but I feel like his mum and not his wife.

Any idea where to go from here?

YABU - he's not well
YANBU - I'd feel exactly the same

I would firm up plans now to divorce him. He will bankrupt you emotionally, physically and financially if you were to stay with him.

This.

As much as you want a baby, this would be a disaster for you. Have a baby by yourself or with your next man. He is NOT the one

Honestly op. Just split what ever assets you have and walk away.. this man is a selfish child who will never improve, his lack of remorse will show you that. He absolutely wants to split up and any assets and will start again and pretend none of this ever happened . Your crime is knowing what sort of man he is now and you can't unsee that. Havjng a child with this man would have been a mistake. You could never live with the uncertainty that he might lose your home some day .
Im so sorry op. You didn't deserve this.

Just want to point out that if you divorce you may not have to pay any of the debt for him, OP. UK divorce courts have discretion not to count as joint debts incurred secretly for the benefit of just one spouse when divvying up the assets.

Now you know about it, if you stay and engage in helping pay it off the courts are more likely to see it as you having accepted the debt as joint. So you may be able to walk away with half the house equity and half of any savings rather than half of what's left after the 90k is taken out.

To which end, don't engage in any paying off the highest interest credit card from savings or the like without taking independent legal advice (i.e a lawyer just for you, not Step Change or any other service focused on helping you get out of debt).

Are you sure his mum knows? Or is that just what he's told you? (And was she there to supervise the guy doing work because your DH was off taking time to himself after dumping all this on you?)

I wouldn’t bother calling any gambling support lines, I’d be calling divorce lawyers and asking if his secret debts could stay his in the split. You don’t have to pay his debts by paying more of the bills, that’s a choice you make by staying which will only lead to yet more pain and heartbreak

I'm sorry OP, but it's NOT your job to subjugate yourself and to 'manage' his mental health either.

He is a grown man, and the responsibility to manage his mental health and finances rest squarely on HIS OWN shoulders.

Why on earth should you sacrifice your life, and your energy and money on him, when he doesn't even do you the courtesy of being honest with you??

You need to prioritize yourself first. If you don't, you'll waste your life 'in service' to that man, the same man that has zero consideration of you and your needs.

He is so self absorbed OP.

Just checking to see how you are doing this morning.

Tell him to leave. Ring his mum and tell her he has to go and why.
Do you have friends, tell them. You have done nothing wrong. You need people to hell you.

He’s happy now and relaxed because he expects you to work yourself harder to pay his debt. Don’t do it! What’s the house situation - rented/jointly owned?

Excellent point about not engaging in trying to clear HIS debts.

Not great this morning. I just wish i could turn my brain off. Sitting crying in the car park trying to muster up the courage to go into work. I'm taking tomorrow off ive decided to see if he will actually talk to me. I'm going to ask him to go to his mums at the weekend as I need some space. I just wish my brain would stop worrying about him and how he's feeling but I cannot stop it. I've made enquiries to talk to someone and am going to book some financial appointments for tomorrow. My brother came round last night which did help but this morning I just feel alone 😔

Perhaps you need to take some time off work, it would not be unreasonable to phone in sick for a week while you process all of this. I know you said you had some important stuff going on at work but I am sure it can wait or someone else can cover

Sitting in the car crying is not good, you should be at home with friends or family to support you and you should be getting your husband out of the house while you do this. Prioritise yourself over him, work and everything. You are going to need all the strength you have to get through this and to get him out of your life without it costing you money.

Addicts care only about themselves and their addiction, he does not care about you. I am sure that if you pushed him he would say that you don't understand the pressure he is under, what it is like for him, that he had to gamble, run up debts, you don't get it. It will be excuse after excuse, all very self pitying. As someone says, he has now dumped all this on you so now he feels better, and feels free to probably carry on gambling, because I doubt it has stopped.

Please go home if you need to, sign off sick, and give yourself some time to get your head around this.

Oh and chuck that lying decietful dishonest horrible man out of your home. He does not deserve to live there, he does not get to carry on as if nothing has happened, he does not get to say 'we are done' and then float around like fucking gods gift.

Chuck him out and for the love of god stop worrying about his feelings. He has really done a number on you if you are worrying about how he will cope. He will cope the same way he as been for months and months, by putting himself first.

Get him out.

I agree with the others, stop worrying about what he might say or not say. The man is an addict and therefore a liar and not to be trusted. For your own sanity you need to get rid of him.

Sweetheart, you're worrying about him and how he's feeling, but at what point was he worrying about you and how you are feeling?
Where is the love, support, and care for you? Not coming from him.
You are currently in shock and will not be able to see the wood for the trees. Take time for you, to process everything, and in the meantime do nothing that would evidence accepting the debt as joint.
Can you go and stay with your brother for a few days until your parents are back?

Does your work have an Employee Assistance Programme? I would try and call them today OP. Can be a very useful source of support when you are struggling. I’ve done it several times.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP. I can’t even imagine the pain of it. I feel so angry on your behalf.

Definitely seek financial advice. It can be quite thorny sometimes and I know someone who ended up having to pay off her ex husband’s debts because he’d opened cards in her name or had debts linked to the joint account. Make sure you go through everything really thoroughly and ensure he hasn’t implicated you in any of the debt. It’s not yours to carry or pay off - it’s his fault and his problem to deal with.

I also wanted to say that you don’t necessarily have to give up on motherhood just because he’s not going to be a part of it. It’s not the dream situation most of us want, but many women can and do seek IVF as single parents. If you want to pursue having a family, then his awful behaviour doesn’t have to be the end of it.

Stay strong. I hope you have people around you who can support you.

Hi again, OP. Do you think you could try and reframe the worry you feel for him as a bad habit you need to break? That’s what it is, if you think about it - a bad habit of placing his needs above your own.

Yes, he will be in a difficult position if you leave but it’s his own doing, not yours. You’re not leaving him to fend for himself - he’s done that all on his own.

If you don’t leave, you’ll only be enabling al this terrible addiction.

Also, OP, I know the children issue is heavy on your mind (I’ve been there and sympathise!). But addictive and compulsive behaviours are often hereditary and run in families. You can get better DNA elsewhere!!

What does he bring to your life, really, beyond financial ruin and heartbreak? Take control 🙂🙂💪💪

I would ask him to leave the house ASAP, he can go stay with his parents.

Then take the time to absorb the facts and feelings and think about your new life.

I've booked a therapy session for tomorrow so I think that will help me get some clarity. I've also taken the day off tomorrow. I messaged his mum... her message just said how sorry she was and how he was taking responsibility and wanted to fix it. She didn't ask how I was. And she ignored my request for him to stay with her for a night to give me space. So as helpful as always!

He probably is a habit I need to break but I don't know how and that makes me feel weak. Him ignoring me is helping though. Baby steps and hopefully tomorrow I'll get the help I need.

It's such early days, you must still be in shock, be kind to yourself.

His Mum can just deal with him, if she feels he's taking such responsibility.

It’s not the gambling addiction illness but the enormous lies which make it difficult to stay together imho. It’s very sad but you can at least suggest some time apart for you to reflect on what he has done and see how you feel. As you are married this is for richer for poorer so he may well be entitled to around 50% of everything, regardless of his spending habits or the higher earnings from yourself. If you are not comfortable with this, you need a divorce asap so you can have financial separation going forwards… even if he recovers and you stay together you may wish to protect yourself from his addiction with a post-nuptial agreement. Sorry it is a v difficult situation

Yes, regardless of what you ultimately decide to do, I’d sort out financial separation now so he can’t drag you further into the gambling debt shit.
You should tell him why you are doing it too - trust has been broken, you need time to think, this will give you all the time you need with no pressure from worrying what further debts he may be accumulating. If he isn’t getting help with his gambling habit, it’s highly unlikely to just stop now.